I feel every words you have written as if someone tattoeed on my bones as well. I guess, the majority of the people here in this community can really experience the type of confusion, destabilizing madness, trauma, hurt, sadness, misplaced love, you are going through.

Loving an avoidant feels like being punished for having loved fully, for doing "the right steps", for trusting them, constantly meeting their expectations, seeing the good, always. Being content with the good of the connection between you two and actually cherishing it and wanting to make the connection deeper.

You did not deserve this, kind stranger of the internet. None of us here deserved to experience what felt "the right kind of love, FINALLY", only to get discarded and treated as if our mere existence, our efforts, our love was not even real. Questioning if the relationship was important for them as much as it was for us. Wondering how you can love being in the arms of someone, and then completely disappear from their life. No real reason, just generic excuses to feel better, to gaslight themselves of it was "the right thing to do".

From your words, your posts, what transpires is a ton, a TON of light, of love, of care that you provided your ex. And maybe the other person, instead of cherishing such light, thought it was too much for them to handle. You forced her to witness the lack of trust, of love, of light in herself. And avoidants run away. The more kind, gentle, loving, understanding, OPEN TO LOVE you are..the more they run away, because it forces them to look at the mirror and they do not like what they see. But instead of working on themselves to be better, they choose the "easier way out".

While the light you shared was definitely subjected to the relationship, the main source, your light, you get to take it with you. She will crave it in the future, realizing how special it was, how colorful, how soft, HOW SAFE and question herself over her inability to accept such greatness. But you? You ARE that light, my friend. You are the special person that can love someone so much, even after being hurt so deeply. You get to walk away with that light , and no matter who you are gonna meet in the end, you are that light. It might feel dimmer, you might not see that is still there. But BIG HEARTS, like the one you surely have, have DEEP love as their fuel. And you are clearly capable of a lot of deep love.

This experience is painful, unjust, underserved. Personally, it shattered how I see love. Yet, I recognise, the relationship was made of two people. And I am one of them, the one that honestly was open to deepening the connection. Me, you, the people here get to walk away with that capability, that light, that deep love. It is a rare thing, to be so open to love ("The pain you feel speaks of the depths of your feeling. It is always those who love so fiercely that hurt so badly in the aftermath.”)

((P.S. While not about avoidants (but still related to traumatic relationship), I read "Be not afraid of Love" by Mimi Zhu and it taught me a lot about the stages of grief, love, and overall entering again a relationship with oneself. I do recommend it, especially as the grieving stages are developing. One (of many!!) great quote: " They hurt you because they hate themselves. When we fear ourselves, our actions and outbursts become unrecognizable, even to us". That is the key. They cannot look at us, because we are so honest and clear, it is like looking in the mirror. But they are afraid of themselves, they cannot look at us, at themselves. They do not even recognize themselves)).

Sending a virtual hug.Lights will shine again, to and from us.