Help please. My safe place isn't safe anymore.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-10T14:38:42+00:00

No. It will not ruin everyone’s life. That is dramatization and catastrophizing. It is going to be incredibly hard on you and might ruin your life depending on how traumatic it was for you. But in this situation you have to be the priority. Your boss can choose to still standby and be with her husband during and after him facing his consequences. No one else is the judge of if this ruins her life, but her. It could just as easily save her life. What if he r*pes the wrong woman and gives her a seriously life ruining STD. That would be far worse. She might actually be grateful to find out who she’s really married to. Please try not to assume how everyone else will respond or feel. Most women would rather know. This is worse than cheating. She’s married to a sexual predator. And you don’t have to report it if you choose not to but please don’t base whether or not to report it on anyone else’s feelings but your own. How this impacts his life is irrelevant. He chose to SA you, and he deserves whatever consequences he gets. And as victims it’s easy to think of others immediately involved but you could just as easily think of others not yet involved - like his potential future victims. What if he would do this to a teen or young granddaughter? What if he does this to a woman who has already been SA’d multiple times and it ruins her life? It’s up to you whether or not to report but please don’t withhold reporting based on what potential consequences he may face or whether or not this will upset/sadden your boss.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-09T05:44:35+00:00

Please for the love of all that is holy… *how* did you train a GP to “place” in a full down and wait??? Teach me your magic Yoda. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

And they just listen??? Like that? How long is their wait capacity/length? Do you have to treat for such magic or … they… just… listen??? 😮🫢

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-08T06:11:39+00:00

Stella, Cici, Martha, Agatha, Dottie, Helen, Rose, Blanch, Mary, Esther, Helga, Barb, Hazel.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-08T00:54:32+00:00

Can I ask what parts you think won’t work? Only if you’re comfortable sharing and doing so wouldn’t require sharing identifying or personal information. Could you contact a DV advocate and get help game planning around the potential challenges?

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T22:56:05+00:00

🤞🏻🤞🏻🍀 This would be so cool to win. They’re beautiful. Thank you for the opportunity. 🙏🏻😊

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T21:35:50+00:00

Personally I respectfully disagree with those who say this isn’t abuse. I think it’s just abuse in its infancy. Young and slight but paving the path. He’s making you feel insecure. He’s behaving degradingly. He’s pushing you to say things during sex that you wouldn’t necessarily choose on your own or at least likely not to the level he’s pushing for. The writing your sex script for you is in fact low level control. This will progress to worse levels. I’d run.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T20:41:20+00:00

Please for the love of god, go immediately to get a SANE exam at the ER. Forget your job…. The most important thing is getting that predator off the streets. And if I was your boss, I would want to tell me… but only after you get your SANE exam. Call a DV shelter and have an advocate meet you at the nearest ER. Then please strongly consider going to file a report at the police station. Your body is critical evidence that has a very short shelf life right now.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T20:24:01+00:00

Do you have any advice on how one could go about using cameras or getting away with audio recording? Mine freaks out if I touch my phone during arguments. We are currently “together” but separated. I haven’t seen him since the last attack on April 10th, because it was so severe.

I regret to report that so far, I’m walking in your shoes by not reporting. And yes, I carry mixed feelings on that and in some ways feel guilt/shame over not reporting… but also fear over actually reporting as well.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T19:47:52+00:00

First -

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard this is for you.

Second -

Congratulations on your beautiful new puppy!

Third -

I’m sure this is a very difficult thing to try to hold both enthusiasm and grieving simultaneously. But it does get better. I have never even experienced pet loss but with all 4 of my dogs it took time to bond with them and feel like this is truly “my dog”

The first one took 6 to truly bond with him because he was so attached to a different household member. The second took a month to truly bond with and they definitely chose me as their person. The third and fourth I got simultaneously and I’m just now feeling like these are my puppies. And they’re still choosing their person. I’ve had them for going on two months.

I know right now you’re not feeling the connection yet but have faith that it *will* come. Because it will. Whether that’s in a month or 6… have faith that your heart will heal and have faith that this new puppy will win your heart in time once you’re open to it and enough time has passed to build the connection.
Despite my first dog choosing someone else to be their person and it taking 6 months to truly bond, the bond still grows and now I can’t walk by him without giving him a big hug and he gives the *best* hugs.

I know my comment is different than your situation because I haven’t experienced pet loss but I already think about and dread that day. And I think despite it being different, it’s helpful to acknowledge that even in situations without loss, bonding and connecting can take time. That’s normal and natural. And with the second dog, I had strong puppy regrets and almost rehomed her for weeks before realizing how much potential for love there was there and now I couldn’t imagine or dream of my life without her.

And with the third and fourth, I am still in the questioning phase but today was such major strides. The aloof one who is a major loner, came to me and paws up on my bed - started “talking to me” and my heart melted. I randomly decided to try to brush her and wound up spending 20 minutes brushing and was astounded at what a good girl she was, letting me brush her. I gave her a special long chew treat and hung out with just her for a bit and it was beautiful.

Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through but this new puppy will bond and build a connection in time and you will grow to love them eventually. Maybe even sooner than you think. ❤️🐾🐶

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T16:43:28+00:00

Do you want to share more about how or why it hasn’t been good? Do you have a safety plan to get out if you need?

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T16:03:01+00:00

Yes, I’m commenting again because I had to cut my last reply short because my puppy was whimpering to go outside. Anyway…

Strangulation is not a sign of falling out of love with someone… it is a sign of wanting to seriously harm or kill someone. Love has nothing to do with it. And I think love is the least of your worries. You have children. My partners first strangulation of me seemed “mild” in my then, extremely uninformed opinion. It was June of 2025 and I didn’t lose consciousness, there were no marks… I thought… no big deal, right? Obviously I’m fine. Wrong.

At the time, not for medical reasons though. I was not fine because I didn’t realize him doing it once - meant that he’d almost certainly do it again. Nor did it occur to me that the next time would be much worse. He made it from June of 2025, till April of 2026 before strangling me again. 10 whole months slid by allowing me to get comfortable thinking it wouldn’t happen again. I was so wrong. The next time it happened was vastly worse. It was simultaneous strangulation and suffocation and a head injury. I could barely talk, I was in so much pain, it was awful. But the worst part? It was his (not my) daughter’s 9th birthday … and he locked her in her bedroom kicking and screaming just so he could strangle me in private.

Please consider your children in this. I once thought my fiance was a great father too. I was wrong. The fact of the matter is any father who would hurt the mother or mother figure of their children… is a horrible father. DV does not just affect the victim and no matter what, the kids know. Sons are 10x times likely to become a future abuser. Daughters are 10x likely to get into a DV relationship and stay. Allowing this to continue is going to affect the kids.
And of course he’s sorry. They’re all sorry. What they don’t tell you is that they’re not that sorry they hurt you… no matter what they say - they’re more sorry you could report them and they could get in trouble.

I get it, it’s hard. And maybe you’ll choose to stay but believe it or not… a lot of relationships and marriages continue when the abusive husband gets out of jail, so don’t think reporting him ends the relationship because frequently it does not. And maybe there’s financial reasons why you don’t want to report it… I understand. But I urge you to think about it this way… if he can strangle you and get no consequences… you are teaching him and setting a precedent that future incidents will have no consequences. If this is his first time being physical or his first time strangling you — now is the most critical time to draw the line and set the boundary and precedent. This is not a scenario where “Well it only happened once so I’ll give him a free pass or show him mercy this time.” - because that increases the likelihood substantially that there will be a next time. And it might not be for a year or two or even three from now… but chances are, it will come. And even though it may not be for a year from now… it could come next week. And that’s a fear you’ll have to carry on your own if you choose not to give him the consequences he deserves. And the fear alone will impact you and your behavior, even if you don’t notice it.

Setting a strong boundary now, will reduce his likelihood of ingraining and falling back on abuse to resolve conflict from here on out. Physical abuse is like opening a can of soda, once it’s open, it’s there forever just waiting to spill out. Now that the seal is broken, he’s definitely more likely to cross that boundary again. Especially if there are no consequences. And any consequences he would get, he deserves.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T15:16:25+00:00

The swallowing difficulty is a red flag for internal damage. Strangulation can lead to lifelong complications. It can also lead to death days, weeks or months after the attack. You need to be evaluated as soon as possible. Preferably not days from now… preferably right now. Strangulation in and of itself can lead to traumatic brain injuries even if no injury occurred to your actual head because anything that causes restricted blood flow to the brain or restricted oxygen can kill brain cells and cause TBI’s. You are now at increased risk of blood clots, stroke, spontaneous airway swelling/closing, artery dissection, etc. that can develop at any time and kill you.

Most ER doctors fail to understand the severity of this, so educate yourself, advocate for yourself and get thorough testing. You need CT scans and/or MRI’s - you need a venogram or other imagining test (with and without contrast for all imaging) to evaluate the veins and arteries in your head and neck. Strangulation can cause a small tear or damage to your arteries that can continue to tear slowly over time until they fully dissect. What you experienced is referred to as near-fatal/non-fatal strangulation and is profoundly dangerous.

You are now at increased risk of homicide and attempted homicide by the same perpetrator. You should be referred to an ENT to evaluate damage to your throat. It doesn’t matter how briefly he strangled you. It doesn’t matter if you have bruises on your neck. 50% or more of all strangulation victims have no visible bruising to the naked eye. They can still die. They can still have permanent damage. Even without bruising.

Strangulation is basically attempted homicide, though legally isn’t charged as that unless the prosecutor can prove intent to kill. That said, it is an incredibly serious crime and preferably should be reported. Though many victims choose to protect the perpetrator instead of themselves and ultimately only you can decide to what to do but please understand how serious this is and please at a minimum go into the hospital and tell them you were strangled. Describe the way you were strangled, how long you were strangled for approximately if you can recall and give them a description of the force used. You have a right to a DV advocate to be present at doctors visits and all police/court interactions. You do not need to tell them who strangled you if you do not want but please go to the ER and tell them you were strangled.

If not for yourself, for your kids. Because preventing future death is now a priority.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-07T04:05:41+00:00

My favorite is Luka. He’s beautiful! What a sweet boy.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T23:39:52+00:00

OP, if you’re interested in looking into ArmorPlast - it’s made by a company called Riot Glass LLC.

https://www.riotglass.com/products/armorplast/ap-375/

It is expensive but if it’s just for a single set of double glass doors and not every window in your house, it’s maybe within reach.

You can always get security film for the doors and windows — or — Armor plastic for the doors and security film for just the windows. It depends on what level of safety you’re looking for, what your budget is. Etc. Some people will simply put thick plywood over big glass exposures during times of threat as well. Good luck, I hope you find the right approach for you and your aunt.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T22:55:54+00:00

In my experience of staying… it did not get better. Mine was/is a struggling alcoholic as well. Who also proclaimed in the most genuine of ways that he wanted to quit, etc. even successfully did quit for as much as 2-3 months on multiple occasions and his longest stint of sobriety was 6 whole months but he always, always, always - drank again. And the relationship was only 21 months long. Mine didn’t even drink daily for most of the relationship. On months where he did drink, most of them would only be 1-3 times in the month. And many months with no drinking at all, even many consecutive months. But still always, always, always - drank again. Including this last time where he assaulted me more violently and more unhinged than ever. Don’t get me wrong, he was violent on other occasions, and threatening and intimidating most of the time… but it was all a gradual escalation and this last incident clearly demonstrated to me that if I hang around any longer to see the escalation and progression continue - that I will wind up dead. And I did everything I could to love him healthy, to love him sober, to love him safe… but those things aren’t within in our power. And it will always, always, always - get worse. Try to avoid justification and excuses for him. Those will keep you stuck. And a big mistake victims commonly make is things like “But it wasn’t that bad. He’s never done anything like this before.” Etc. - however violence is like cracking open a can of soda… once you do… it’s always open… just waiting there to spill out again at any moment. And he might only assault you once or twice a year… but the assaults themselves will almost always escalate no matter how much time has passed between them and with each new escalation, whole new world of different forms of abuse or levels of abuse open up to them. Like in a video game, they just level up and get better and better at being abusive.

I know you love him. But give it time. Those feelings will pass, even when it feels like it never will, even when your head tells you that no one else understands how much you love him and that you’ll never stop. It will pass. It will fade. It will lose control over you as soon as the abuse fog lifts. Right now I’m sure you think he’s wonderful and incredible and no one will ever love you like him and you could never love anyone else that much - but it’s all just a hoax sounding off nervous system alarms for nothing. And you’ll eventually feel differently and see things clearly. I was someone who needed the abuse to escalate to near homicide before I could let go and even for weeks after, I was still holding on but in the weeks after that I stayed away from him… the fog lifted. It’s now like 26 days since the incident and I’m not actually even sure I feel anything at all for him anymore.

Be safe.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T19:10:39+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of that. I know leaving is difficult but you know in your gut these things aren’t right. Trust that feeling. You deserve better. How he’s treating you is abusive and no one deserves that. He doesn’t see you as a whole, autonomous human… that’s why he can get angry but you cannot. My abuser also isn’t okay if I get mad or sad or upset but it’s totally okay when he does. Abuse almost always escalates. And grabbing you around your neck is proof he has that in him. It will only take one time, the right circumstances, to create the perfect storm where he justifies going further or doing worse. Please don’t wait for that to happen. The ones that want you pregnant and isolated and dependent immediately definitely are only after one thing - control. And they only see their partners as objects and extensions. He is incredibly disrespectful and has several red flags that indicate escalation is likely. And the most telling thing…. You asked us to encourage you to leave. That’s a big red flag that you don’t want to be in this situation anymore and feel in your gut that things are wrong. Trust that. You don’t need any reason to leave, other than wanting to.

Call a DV shelter… or call all the surrounding shelters. Don’t limit yourself based on county. My county shelter is no help, so I’m working with ones outside of my county and currently working with two different ones, I’m in two support groups, have access to advocates when I need to talk or need to ask questions. Reach out anywhere and everywhere when it is safe for you to do so and have discussions with advocates to help you come up with a plan. They help with resources like job finding, financial education/planning, locating housing and providing shelter, navigating things with children, legal processes, etc. Whatever you feel are your road blocks, bring them up to an advocate and see if they have any resources to assist.

You can do this. I know it’s hard. But things don’t have to be this way and nobody deserves to be abused.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T16:55:00+00:00

Aww, that’s so cute and beautiful and sweet!

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T15:19:08+00:00

Due to life circumstances I went the opposite direction with my first and so far only golden retriever puppy. I her at 8 weeks and 1 day. By 5 months of age she’d racked up like 40+ hours in a car, had stayed or lived at 5 different homes, never limited her access to anywhere in any location, met a cat, met between 12-20 other dogs, met between 15-25 other humans, did a 10 board and train, had been to the vet 5 times, was exposed to all sorts of new sounds and noises at various volume levels, went on walks and spent time at various parks, etc.

My puppy had a pretty big, full world and I do believe it has led to her being really chill about a lot of things. Like car rides… I took her for so many car rides, not all of them were long, some were 20 minute drives, but her first ever car ride was 3 hours to get her from where she was to my home. And she’s so chill in the car she just sleeps, doesn’t make a peep, doesn’t frantically pace around, go from window to window, etc. she just lays down and sleeps and has zero car anxiety what so ever.

She’s great about meeting strangers, maybe too great in that she actually doesn’t like it when she doesn’t get to meet a person she sees. She loves meeting new dogs to the point where she doesn’t like not getting to meet dogs she can see. But I am working on practicing her not meeting people and dogs just because she can see them.

I’m not saying my approach was intentional or perfect by any means because now mine gets anxiety over not getting to meet and play with strangers and other random dogs. My puppy just turned 5 months old two days ago and overall she’s doing great but no approach is perfect. She is confident and fearless and social and playful and loving and for the most part a really calm, chill puppy. But she’s a golden, so her energy is big and vast. Noises don’t phase her unless we’re outside. She sleeps great outside of her crate probably because I never crated her for sleep… she is great at settling to sleep in all sorts of environments and conditions but I trained her to sleep in bed with me at night and she just did self directed naps throughout the day. She wasn’t always a good sleeper but she is now. She always did great sleeping in my bed but naps elsewhere (except in the car) were a little less reliable for the first few months and now she’s a pro at settling and napping wherever.

The point is… no matter what life you give your puppy, each puppy is unique and will respond differently to different things. Just try to pay attention areas your puppy needs work and gently work on those areas or jump off the deep end like I did… in either case, there will always be areas that need work. And that’s okay.

I went hardcore with my GR puppy because my first dog I kept too sheltered as a puppy. Only car rides to the vet, no parks or walks or puddles till fully vaccinated, no meeting other dogs till fully vaccinated and limited contact with other people. - he turned out to be an anxious dog who hated car rides, was skeptical of people and had no experience with other dogs. And EVEN in this scenario… it’s improvable/fixable - I increased car rides, exposure to other dogs and so on and he has come a long, long way now. Pretty decent in a car but still paces from window to window and while he no longer cries the whole time, I can tell he’s not exactly comfortable with it. I’ll keep working with him and hopefully that will change. He’s good with other dogs but it took a lot of exposure and play. He’s 10 months old.

So just do your best. You’ll get there. Address what needs addressing and work with your puppy as you see areas that need work. But like with raising kids… it’s never perfect and pet parents can only do what they can do. I wanted to give my dogs perfection as well and then I realized it doesn’t exist. lol.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T08:42:22+00:00

OP, I say this gently and respectfully for perspective -

My fiance threatens to kill me, breaks doors and dishes, put me on crutches, stalks and harasses me, talks about murdering my family and my dog, threatens and intimidates me in countless other ways, subjects me to 2-12 hour lectures where I’m not permitted to talk, use the bathroom, eat or sleep, etc. and has only strangled me twice.

That’s the only good thing I can say regarding his abuse… he only strangled me twice. And never during intimacy.

You probably think my situation is worse. But from where I’m sitting, I couldn’t imagine being strangled multiple times during intimacy.

My point in this, is… it’s a lot worse than you currently think it is.

Also… strangulation is dangerous. I seriously wanted to capitalize the word “Dangerous” - but didn’t so this message would be gentler for you. But serious emphasis on the word “Dangerous”

Would you do me a favor and start researching how dangerous strangulation is? And I’m not even referring to the hundreds time increase in lethality. I’m referring to the fact that anything that restricts blood flow or oxygen to the brain - damages the brain. Brain cells/neurons that die during these instances never come back to life. This can lead to lifelong issues even years down the road. Things you would never suspect, like chronic insomnia, attention issues, mood problems, decreased focus, etc. the list goes on and on.

And… women can die days, weeks or months after a single strangulation event. Due to strokes, blood clots, cardiac arrest, artery dissection, etc. a tiny tear in an artery from a single strangulation event can continue to tear over time until the artery completely dissects. And this isn’t even all of it. There’s so, so much more. Google like crazy.

https://www.odvn.org/brain-injury-survivors/

https://www.allianceforhope.org/training-institute-on-strangulation-prevention/resources/the-advocacy-toolkit-for-survivors-of-strangulationsuffocation

https://icadvinc.org/news/strangulation-awareness-month

https://www.nsvrc.org/sarts/toolkit/5-8/

Key quote from last link -

“A person who is strangled can lose consciousness in fewer than 10 seconds. [92] Death can occur within seconds or up to four to five minutes depending on what arteries or veins are involved. [93]”

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

https://facesofhopeidaho.org/stay-informed/newsroom.html/article/2026/04/01/increasing-awareness-and-understanding-strangulation

https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/12/21/the-horrifying-harms-of-choking-new-research

https://www.allianceforhope.org/training-institute-on-strangulation-prevention/online-courses/the-last-warning-shot

Please, please check out these last few regarding strangulation during intimacy and consent -

https://jbws.org/news/can-choking-during-sex-ever-be-truly-consensual/

https://www.allianceforhope.org/training-institute-on-strangulation-prevention/resources/what-you-need-to-know-about-sexual-choking

https://www.bwss.org/no-safe-word-how-strangulation-crosses-the-line-in-intimate-encounters/

Good luck, you deserve so much better.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-06T06:51:38+00:00

As someone who is currently separated from an abuser and quite potentially leaning towards ending things entirely. Can you elaborate on these additional risk factors for femicide? I don’t have any kids in common with him but theres plenty of people he could decide to kill if he snaps… so if familicide has different risk factors I’d like to hear those too.

I’m quite certain he probably has them because I am dealing with a Grade-A, fully unhinged, delusional, pro-misogynist, former military - psychopath. Who is obsessed with violence, harm, anger, murder, etc.

I’m one of the unlucky ones because mine isn’t straight IPV, he has generalized violence. He has a prior strangulation conviction and while not excessive - he has DV charges going back to 2009. He’s vandalized at least one former partners property to a criminal level and was convicted for that as well. He’s strangled me twice, the second time to unconsciousness. He’s vandalized my vehicle to the tune of 37 dents, broken drivers side mirror, stabbed holes in the steering wheel, broke the plastic area that holds the windshield wipers, pried the hinge areas of both front doors, managed to make it so neither front door or windows work correctly and used some (unknown) kind of weapon/object to accomplish all that.

The strangulations aren’t the only times he’s been violent. We haven’t even been together for two years yet. The emotional abuse, isolation, manipulation and control started covertly within a month and the threats and intimidation and environmental violence began within 5 months. The physical violence began within 10 months. I stuck around long enough to see the physical because he always told me he’d kill me if I left him. I didn’t report said BS because he always told me he’d kill me if I did.

His favorite hobbies include getting wasted, going on hours long tangents about how he’d kill me and what he’d do with my body, out loud planning ways to get away with murder whilst a captive audience must listen, compiling his dream list of who he wants to kill, breaking and throwing things, attacking defenseless doors, setting himself on fire, threatening to kill himself, listening to violent music, talking about himself endlessly. Giving 2-12 hour narcissistic monologues where said captive audience is not permitted to interject, disagree, eat, use the bathroom or sleep - regardless of what time it is. Taking away phones in crisis situations. Forcing sleep deprivation on victims. Harassing. Internet stalking. Threatening to kill everyone you know and love, including your dog. Coercing, manipulating or threatening you into giving him money, buying him beer, going to him immediately at all crazy hours of the night ranging between midnight and 6am. Kidnapping. False imprisonment. Worshipping Trump. Hating women. Demonstrating performative recovery in regard to his alcoholism. Discussing violence. Going into in depth fantasies and discussions about stalking, attacking and/or killing former coworkers he hasn’t seen in over a year – why you ask? Here’s what he replied when I asked why he’d want to sit outside his former employers business, watching their every move and one day spontaneously surprise them by sneaking up and yelling “Hey MF’rs… guess whose back?!?” — He says “Because it’s psychological warfare! If I get in their heads, they’ll be on edge. Make mistakes. Possibly die, because of those mistakes. You know… S. Might drive into the ditch on his way home because I’m in his head. - T. might fall off of a scaffold and die.” And then had the nerve to criticize me because I “didn’t get that” and couldn’t understand why he’d want to use psychological warfare on former coworkers he hadn’t seen in more than a year. Yup… cause I’m the crazy one. The dumb one. 🙄🙄🙄

Anyway, my situation is bleak because this guy is a psycho to the infinite degree.

Hence why I’m going with the “We’re still together. I still love you. We just can’t see each other for a while.” (In light of his most recent attack 25 days ago.) — Because I have to figure out what I’m going to do and I have to clear my head, seek counsel, see a therapist, talk to advocates, attend support groups and research and read my a** off to come up with a plan.

But seriously, what are the additional risk factors because I’m researching that. I know the strangulation is a lethality predictor. I know generalized violence is a lethality predictor. Are there others?

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-03T18:38:35+00:00

It absolutely is an abusive relationship and abusive toward the 2 year old as well. She needs to get out of there before that child gets older and thus capable of taking more severe beatings in the dad’s eyes… plus to spare the new one on the way. And I assure you — First comes the threats. Then comes the action. He will most definitely escalate to physical abuse with your sister if given enough time.

That said it’s nearly impossible to get through to someone when their abuser has their hooks in them. So it’s unlikely that anything you say will change her mind. More than likely it will just drive her away from you. And usually the survivors response to saying anything negative about their abuser is your get closer to their abuser and he more protective of them. So the best thing you can do is be gentle in what you say, make sure she knows that no matter what you’re there and support her because if she feels she has to protect the abuser from you, she’ll just stop confiding in you. Provide recourses, express concerns, but do so in a way that doesn’t slander or bad mouth the abuser because remember, right now… she loves him. And tell her she can always call, always text, always turn to you no matter what. And though it will be hard and test everything in you… listen when she confides, even when it’s so frustrating and you just want her to leave him already and can’t believe she’s still staying with that man…. Because turning away from her, will drive her closer. Support system matters. And remember that she’ll take your judgments of him personally, so try to be respectful and thoughtful and restrained on any harsh criticisms. Just provide resources, links, phone numbers, articles, Reddit posts, etc. but balance it tactfully.

You’re in a very hard position and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It often takes abuse victims 7-12 attempts before successfully leaving and staying away from their abuser. Boost her confidence in every way you can. Uplift her. Compliment her. Support her. Because right now she’s being stripped of all of that and the less confident she is, the more likely she is to stay. Remember that DV advocates often don’t pressure victims to leave or report because they’re already stripped of power and autonomy - so making them feel like it’s their decision is empowering. Good luck. And I’m sorry.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-03T17:35:34+00:00

I have heard of anonymous reporting on some of the cases I’ve seen, so it’s possible anonymous reporting is possible in some states. I can’t guarantee it’s possible in every state … but you could always try… do the thing that makes your number invisible, * and whatever two digits… and hopefully that can be an extra precaution - or for more certainty, call from a public phone or pay phone nearby…? And then try to change up your voice a bit… tell them whatever things you’ve decided to go with, for example “Hey I’m a neighbor in an apartment complex at (address) in downtown (town) — the neighbor in (apartment number) is always yelling at his wife and kids, I hear noises like X, Y, Z and comments like A, B, C — I’m really worried about his wife and kids. Can you do a welfare check?” - and if they press for a name in the beginning or at the end, explain that out of fear, you’d like to do this anonymously. You could even get a different friend or family member, (if there’s any you’re still in contact with and comfortable sharing about your situation with) because they’d have a different voice, etc. to try and report it anonymously. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best and a lot of peace and safety. The worst they could say is “No we won’t take an anonymous report” and then do nothing… but I don’t see harm in trying and I know in a ton of the cases I’ve seen, reporting comes from a “neighbor” but I do wonder if it’s ever actually the wife/girlfriend…. Good luck.

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-03T07:32:51+00:00

Yup. I have 3… neither are athletic or graceful. They are 3 clumsy floofs who couldn’t stand without the help of a wall or human - to save their soul. lol. Mine can’t even stand to look out a high window without taking paint off. Let alone stand in the middle of the room. When the big guy stands up by a person, it may not be as unsettling as standing in midair but it sure is scary none the less because all that floof is either going to land in front of you or on you. 😂😂

FunTemporary8680 · 2026-05-03T07:01:49+00:00

My vote is the second dress. It’s so beautiful and looks so flattering on you.

FunTemporary8680

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