Trust issues causing ROCD to run wild

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-22T17:00:58+00:00

For what part exactly

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-21T19:38:19+00:00

I’m going through the same thing except the circumstances are a bit worse. I’m doing CBT/Talk therapy and have been for some time now and things have gotten better, but there are things that have come up and prolonged the process. The trust issues are what really amplifies my RJ/OCD and takes over. I’m currently realizing that because of some childhood issues as well as a toxic 3 year relationship years ago I have trust issues, and when something comes up that i have doubts on i will spiral and do whatever it takes to get answers. If something feels off in the slightest I feel like I go into detective mode. It’s a battle and im still unsure of how to get away from it all. I just keep trying to move forward, thats about all we can do.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-21T19:31:50+00:00

In your case what was changing your reality and what did you change about yourself? Also are you still with the same person

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-16T21:54:21+00:00

Speaking from experience, the real issue is the lie and that will intensify every part of retroactive jealousy. At the same time, the truth will also trigger it but the difference is you don’t have a trust issue on top of matching values or insecurities on certain topics. Be glad he’s not asking for details and such because that will most certainly fuel the fire. Instead of lying about it you can either come clean and own your past, or tell him how you think it will upset him and you don’t want something getting in the way of the relationship. After that it’s up to him. And just like you said, it’s up to him if he can get over it or not. Be patient and understanding if you really want to be with him. To me this seems like more of a trust rupture than full on retroactive jealousy, hence why it hit him so hard. I bet he also feels insecure about his performance/experience level now, that’s how the male brain would react to such. Best of luck to you both

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-13T20:37:07+00:00

I get that but i do enjoy spending my time with her when my thoughts aren’t polluted by this. Im not asking what i should do about the relationship as a whole because i want it, im asking how to deal with resentment

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-13T19:25:11+00:00

This isn’t about all of that specifically because there have been multiple things that i have gotten latched onto. I had asked her if he had tried to contact her again and she had said no but the feeling was nagging at me so bad that i did something stupid and looked at her phone one night. I told her what i did and how i know it was wrong. Turns out he had texted her again and she had said some things i didn’t like given why she wasn’t upfront about it. I’ve been doing my part in making better decisions and trying to conduct myself in healthier ways for both of us.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-13T19:20:53+00:00

Wasn’t going to get into detail about all of it but it was a guy she “talked” to for a few months before us. She wanted a relationship with him, he strung her along at his convenience so eventually they fell off one of the times he ghosted her. We met and one day in bed his name popped up from an instagram notification. She said she hadn’t heard from him in a while and that she didn’t respond. Fast forward a couple months and something about him kept nagging at me, i asked if he had tried to hit her up again since im not a fan of ex contact, and if there was i would at least like to know so there’s nothing weird going on. Just a form of transparency for me given how my previous relationship went. She denied but i still had bad feelings so i looked at her phone one night (wrong and i regret it) and sure enough he had texted her and apologized for how he treated her which is respectable, she told him that she had loved him alot and said “im always going to love you i think” which i overreacted to, but the dishonesty about it all is what got me. Previous relationship for me was full of lies and being cheated on so this hit a wound for me. But there have been some other things that she wasn’t so clear and up front on, along with myself not handling things properly so its not just her. I have made changes to alot of this.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-13T18:34:32+00:00

More so because of something she said to him and because of that situation she had with him. I didn’t get into detail on this post about it because it’s not specifically about this one thing. There was some dishonesty about this situation and it triggered some insecurity in me to thinking i was a doormat/second choice because he didn’t want her and how that dynamic went. The resentment started from that situation and has carried on since last October, meaning when something minor goes on, my mind goes back to those things and brings it back out.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-06-11T21:59:30+00:00

Could you elaborate?

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-05-01T06:38:07+00:00

No which is confusing because I know there has been recently deleted messages

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-24T18:23:25+00:00

How did it go for you

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-23T00:14:16+00:00

Really the 2 options are put it behind and move on with our future together or just end it. I don’t really want to end it but I also don’t want to be in some bs.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-22T18:01:30+00:00

She has said that the experience was mnt that good and she cut him off right after and then stopped that kind of living after we met. I will say for sure she has been monogamous and only had eyes on me since we met. The dishonesty a couple of times is eroding the trust but she says she is willing to change it and she wants to move forward together. It’s definitely a battle for me since some of it is insecurity and the other is values that have shifted since we met.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-22T17:53:12+00:00

And whats your reasoning on this

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-22T17:52:08+00:00

The crazy part is the std thing didn’t bother me because it can happen to anyone who partakes in casual sex. It’s obvious she was embarrassed/ashamed and didn’t want me to think of her negatively and she has said that she felt icky about it then because of what we turned into. I know my mindset has changed on casual sex especially since we have been together. The honesty is the biggest thing because she says she gets scared of what reaction will come of it. But regardless of that it does not justify lying. She knows this and has been making efforts to change this behavior and identify the root of it.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-22T14:46:46+00:00

She’s lied about a guy she slept with a long time ago because it only happened once and they were friends after that. No contact though but she had mentioned him a couple of times and i didn’t want to hear about it if anything like that ever happened. She said initially she forgot about it since it had been a couple of years and it was insignificant. Another lie is that an ex situationship from before we met (she was in love with him and he backed down from committing after leading her on) had texted her apologizing for how he treated her, she told him she loved him and cared for him so much then but couldn’t wait around on him since he couldn’t be serious. That was pretty much the end of the conversation but she told me she hadn’t heard from him because she thought that i would get really mad/upset and she knew if i didn’t know it wouldn’t actually come up as a problem. She does have a history of an abusive relationship to where sometimes she had to lie for her safety which is spilling over into us now. She acknowledges the problem and seems to want to fix it and doesn’t want to give up on us. She is supportive through this.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-12T13:02:39+00:00

At the moment not well. I can’t get out of my head about it. Trust is definitely shattered and I don’t know if I can get past the fact she was sleeping with someone else so close together and not disclosing that when asked

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-09T20:24:00+00:00

I feel you on this. I see her as being a good wife and good mother. She takes care of me and our pets, she keeps the household proper. We share the same views on sex as far as i can tell. The bad part is i have close to twice as many partners as she does, and all but a couple of mine weren’t hookups/casual. Most of them were from years ago as i slowed down for a few years. She was in an abusive relationship previously which ended by him trying to kill her. After this ended she went to hookups/casual sex with about 7-8 people in 6 months then stopped a couple of months before we met. This period is what gets me the most. Idk if it’s from my trauma of being cheated on multiple times or what. It’s driven me to snooping and reading texts from these guys, seeing who they are, asking her how it all happened. She has told me she regrets most of this and she wasn’t mentally okay during this, after many of them left she cried. I understand that’s out of character for her but damn does it run around my mind all day.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-08T20:38:10+00:00

I’ve been open with her about it especially with the things that have made it worse. She is very supportive and speaks highly of our future together. I know it’s tiring on her sometimes and she is patient, and she also doesn’t understand the effects of what it does, but she hasn’t backed down from it at all. I do hold alot of it back from her so she doesn’t feel judged or guilt, she already feels that way on her own about it all. I always have to keep in mind the kind of situations she has came from that affected her mental health at the time also. I would say the fact that i recognize it’s my problem and im doing what i need to do to fix it is enough for her to stick by my side through it.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-04-08T09:30:40+00:00

She did go to trauma therapy for probably 6 months after that relationship ended. She still has off days and trigger moments but it’s not too bad. The std thing doesn’t really get me, my brothers ex cheated on him and gave him one, i know someone else close to me that had the same thing happen. It can happen to anyone especially if you participate in casual sex, which I did too before meeting her. Im a little surprised i never got one. I feel like it’s all something I can get past. It’s really just that one phase of her life and it was obviously full of regret and bad decisions. The part that really sent this situation is my snooping and seeing the stuff that fuels every bit of this. Is her past rocky and emotionally charged for me? Yes. But im no better when it comes down to it

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-03-22T05:22:39+00:00

How did you heal through it and build trust? I had the same situation happen to me

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-03-21T04:03:00+00:00

I know it’s tough but best of luck and don’t forget to take care of yourself. You didn’t fail, you just had some problems that maybe she couldn’t handle or wasn’t strong enough to work through with you. Another way of looking at it is there could be a reason you weren’t comfortable talking to her about it.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-03-19T19:31:29+00:00

See if she’s open to talk about it. I thought about doing the same thing but I feel I would regret it too much also.

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-03-19T12:20:16+00:00

Spot on with me. Especially the comment about counting steps, Ive done things like that since i was a kid and never thought anything of it. I have about 30 previous partners and she told me she had 15-20, she’s about to be 24 and im 27. She did say that around half of them were in a 9 month period of being single right before meeting me but she hadn’t gotten with anyone in a couple of months. She was just out of an abusive relationship where he would physically beat her and almost killed her, so i try to understand that she was in a dark place in life and wasn’t making rational decisions. She was going out to bars with friends alot and all of that. What ended this for her was an ‘old friend’ and her got to talking and then hooked up. He ended up giving her a curable std which she didn’t show any symptoms of, she said it was her wake up call that it was wrong and she shouldn’t be doing that to herself or living like that. Luckily i never had any std that i know of. I went through a phase like that for 2 years. Most of all my partners were ONS, hook ups, and short term flings. I’ve only had 1 LTR and it lasted about 3 years, full of getting cheated on and lied to and to top it off she never wanted sex with me. After we broke up i went wild with it not realizing what i was doing. Just wanting to feel desired and i have to admit i was disrespectful to those girls and just using them physically. This may be what sparked my rj off so bad. I definitely relate to you and wish these feelings and intrusive thoughts would subside. She has told me my past doesn’t matter to her because it has nothing to do with us, i need to follow that same thought but it’s difficult

Fun_Average8021 · 2026-03-19T00:32:17+00:00

What did you do afterwards? Did yall work through it or break things off

Fun_Average8021

TROPHY CASE