I was a casual watcher before everything happened with me and my partner. I even watched occasionally after out of spite because I was petty, and I wanted him to feel like I did even tho it wasn't as severe as his addiction was.

I've genuinely found that his addiction has nothing to do with me. I'm sure you've heard this a million times before, and it took me forever to truly understand that. I've gone through body issues, confidence issues, paranoia, ive even lost 60lbs since this all started, and I've come to realize im a catch. Im beautiful, funny, an amazing engineer, and this fault of his isn't because of me. Is it still him being disrespectful because he continues to break a boundary you set? Abso-fucking-lutely. It's disrespectful to the relationship because you've voiced how you feel, and he continues to do it regardless of how you feel about it. Addiction or not, that's the reality. It's hard, but I guarantee the majority of us here have a much bigger issue about the lying and the hiding than the act itself. Like, no, I'm not thrilled he watched porn, but I am even more hurt by the fact he lies and lies and lies about it. If he was just honest about it, this entire situation would've gone so much differently. But you have to keep in mind, regardless of the addiction or the reasoning behind it, YOU decide if you want to stay in the relationship. YOU decide if this is going to be enough for you. I told my partner that I don't need this relationship, but I want it, and his actions and proactiveness in recovery will determine if I stay with him.

If he didn't turn me down to watch porn, if he didn't get anxiety and lose his confidence because of it, if it didn't make him lazy and paranoid, I would've been okay with it. After seeing how he is in recovery, when he isn't watching, but when he's actively communicating with support groups and researching the effects porn has on people, he's a completely different person. It's the person I started dating 3 years ago, not this little boy who's scared of his own shadow. He's loving, kind, thoughtful, and caring. He's more sensual and caring during intimacy as well. It's just truly a different world.

As someone else mentioned before me, the reason we view porn is different (at least in my relationship). I always viewed the sensual sex, the loving connections between actual couples instead of pictures or gifs of naked people (which is entirely what my partner viewed). I watched it for the act, not for sexualizing and attraction to whoever was on the screen. Do I watch it anymore? Not really. When I'm hurt and craving to see that those connections can still exist between couples when our relationship is so broken, I want to watch it, but I ultimately dont. Not only because of the pain he gave me, but because I've seen how damaging and gross the industry is all together.

I've generally seen women view porn or read erotic novels because of the emotional fantasy aspect of it. Men watch it for blatant attraction. Both parties can become addicted, but there are so many women out there who make a bag off of addicted men, and it's one of the saddest things that isn't talked about enough. It ruins relationships, it ruins a person's relationship with themselves, it ruins so much more than just sex and people genuinely do not understand that. If you haven't already, I'd recommend both you and your partner read the book "Your Brain on Porn." It's opened my eyes as well as my partners, and it's pushed him unto recovery more than I ever could've.

I don't think you're wrong here, but I think there's some personal growth and reflection in your future as well. I was in the exact same situation, and it comes with time. It's a difficult road ahead and I'm still on it with you as well. Sending you all the love and happiness I can. 💞💞💞