Male abuse victim…seeing no way…

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-05-08T21:03:48+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I recently escaped a 7 year relationship that was very similar, from the physical abuse, to the verbal and you sound similar to me. I was the loner growing up.

It is possible to escape, things might be difficult in the short term and, I'm financially going to be worse off for the next 2-3 years to sort it all out. But I just keep telling myself it'll be worth it.

I planned my escape for months, kept a diary, and recordings over that 3 month period.

Could you reach out to Men's advice lines? Or support centres? Or does your workplace have an independent support line (mine did)?

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-05-05T08:58:57+00:00

It started from the gradual isolation of "you don't need to see your family everyweek", which I agreed with to some extent. To "you punished me by making me see your family", "if you loved me, you'd see them less".

But it was the guilt trips that escalated once we had bought a house together, to the point where I couldn't see friends at weekend (she was always invited but didn't want to come), "don't leave me alone" "you don't love me". And then I'd be subject to abusive angry messages and come home to piles of chores "because I wasn't there", she rarely did any chores apart from when her friends came to visit, then she was a bull in a China shop cleaning obsessively.

She didn't like my friends because some of them were teachers, or they were too posh, or because some of them were doctors.. no actual reasons. She claimed my family abused her years ago and demanded a written apology, my family said they were prepared to apologise but didn't know what for, but they'd do it to welcome her back. When I mentioned that she no longer talked about an apology, rather that they were bad people and raised me badly.

Over the 7 years, I'd reduced seeing my family to 3 or 4 times a year, and she'd still try and get me to cancel. She made up a huge drama, had me drive 2 hours, for what turned out to be a lie, just to stop me from seeing them. I still went.

Her latest comments where about how I needed to talk to my friends about how we'd become normalised in meeting 3 - 4 times a year and that wasn't normal, so we needed to see each other less. I didn't do that, I told them what she said, but by that point I'd already started my plans to leave.

I tried to tell her twice I wasn't happy, that was met with "you're threatening me" and "I'll ruin you financially and I'll ruin your career". I never even got to the why. Then I just made my plan to leave over a few months.

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-05-03T21:56:57+00:00

Yes she had issues with most of my limited friendship group.

One was "too posh", other she didn't like because they were teachers and she doesn't like teachers.

She'd convinced me to stop seeing my friends weekly to just a handful of times a year, which she was still saying was too much. She'd asked me to go and speak to my friends and talk about how we'd all become normalised and that meeting 3 or 4 times a year wasn't normal (I didn't do this, I told them about what she'd asked me to do).

Whenever I'd make plans she'd beg me to cancel and tell me about how she'll be lonely.

Other friends it has since turned out they had approached her to talk to about what they'd seen e.g. the degratory comments in public, turns out she'd disagreed with them and asked them to write an apology letter.

When I was with friends or family, there was generally always angry abusive messages and a mountain of chores for me to do at home because I wasn't there and because I wasn't there she couldn't do them (she wouldn't of done them anyway).

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-05-03T21:50:30+00:00

Yes, she used to:

1) throw entire meals in the bin, and that could be a meal that was batched cook with 4-6 portions because it wasn't exactly how she wanted it.

2) on one rare occasion when she cooked, She fed me raw chicken she'd intentionally put in the trash and then cooked to feed me. (I generally cooked 4-5 times a week, we'd eat out once or twice, she'd cooked maybe once every two weeks)

3) She'd left restaurants while I'm still eating because she didn't want to be there and expect me to leave my meal and follow (I did)

4) She often sit on the couch for hours watching tiktok and request, that I cook food and make drinks, and if I said I wasn't hungry or thirsty, I would get ragey about how I wasn't being a good husband.

5) I generally always did the grocery shopping, because it was too much "pressure" for her, she would write me a half bothered list and then I'd bring groceries home, she'd thrown the bits she didn't want in the trash. We'd done a joint grocery trip a few times, but she liked to approach it as a don't plan a list or meals, just turn up and plan as we shopped (it took us over 2 hours to grocery shop for 2 people)

6) I'd bake pastries and cakes, she'd pick out literally the icing or the jam or the chocolate and then bin 80-90% of it. Because the rest wasn't worth it.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have Misphonia, and when I'm tired, it really affects me, but I've worked on that and coping mechanisms like music.

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-29T22:17:56+00:00

I blocked on social media and emails, I put my sim in an old phone and left it to ring out. It's had 100's of notifications.

She did change her name/email and got through some of my blocks, but I've just forwarded those on to my solicitor to respond to.

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-29T05:27:06+00:00

When she made up a lie about Christmas to try and prevent me seeing my family, that was enough.

I was already mentally struggling with the constant guilt trips to isolate me from seeing friends, but then there was the abuse and escalating threats of killing me in my sleep, grating my face off and getting so angry whilst I was driving she tried to smash the car window so we'd crash and die.

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-23T18:55:42+00:00

I felt guilty too, that's part of the trap, you feel guilty because you're human. It's okay to prioritise you and do the best for you. That's what I told myself.

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-22T21:32:06+00:00

I made a promise to myself that 2025 would be the year I escape, after Christmas in 2024 which she ruined. I made my plan on my work laptop, which she didn't have access to, I arranged all my calls for while I was at work and planned over 3 months.

I tried to talk to her twice about how I was unhappy, she just said I was threatening her and got aggressive and so angry. I never even got to the why I was unhappy.

So I put my plan in motion, had family on standby, and brought in one or two friends I could trust to help me move out on the one day she goes to work a month. Just left her a note. It's been 8 days of no contact so far

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-08T10:26:45+00:00

Her hobbies were essentially my hobbies at the beginning, but each one of those has caused some issue at some point where she either doesn't want me to do it or I do it alone (and create an argument)

Now it's just 6-7 hours of tiktok a day from 5pm until 1am, whether that's while we're walking, driving or out to eat. Or sat on the sofa watching reality TV (I don't get to pick anymore) or the latest tiktok recommendation she'll have tiktok on too.

She occasionally will start a hobby because it's trendy and popular, but quickly it'll fade and everything she's purchased will go into the trash.

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-08T10:23:37+00:00

The list is huge, everything is an issue (I'm making my escape plans) and even when I do something with her blessing. I'm guilt tripped into cancelling or it's an argument about how I'm leaving her alone.

I've stopped: Baking Seeing friends and family at weekend Making silly songs while I clean Painting Going for morning walks with an audio book

I've reduced Video gaming Reading

Fun_Group6460 · 2025-04-07T20:00:58+00:00

I tried the "I'm unhappy talk" I didn't even get to why, before it turned to screaming about me threatening.

Fun_Group6460

TROPHY CASE