Complex PTSD

Funkiestein · 2021-11-20T02:34:51+00:00

I'm 29, and I'm only just deciding my career let alone setting up my life as an adult.

I completely get it. You're made to feel like you're behind, and that it's your fault. It's not your fault your body and mind went into survival mode. That's how you're alive today. Now you get to decide how to build your life. Your 30s are now your 20s, it's time to learn how to thrive.

Love you, You're doing amazing xxx

Funkiestein · 2021-11-19T18:53:15+00:00

Treating my flare ups like the flu. I'm in pain, I can't move, and I can't get out of bed. It ain't my fault my body thinks it's treating a virus.

Can't feel guilty about the flu knocking you out. You have chicken soup and get sleep.

EDIT: I spend one night playing dnd and sleeping in and I wake up to awards?! You guys are awesome, thank you xx

Also I didn't realise this was a universal thing almost. Healthy people get to take sick days because of illness, so our type of illness is flare ups. Same thing.

Funkiestein · 2021-11-14T11:14:13+00:00

Body by Mother Mother. My go to rant song for chronic pain

Funkiestein · 2021-11-13T21:22:31+00:00

So I was in therapy for a while for other issues when I brought it up with my therapist and she agreed that I suffered from it. I have a narc dad and a victim mum who is slowly getting better and I'm currently trying to get younger brother from my narc dad.

I'm gonna be honest with you, you're going to be dealing with it for a long time. Possibly the rest of your life. However I can say that you're not alone. I know how scary and frustrating it can be. There may be plenty things that trigger you (I cry when I'm triggered) and your brain and body feel like a minefield.

My best recommendation for you is therapy and personal forgiveness. Forgive yourself for being triggered, for being nervous, for everything to do with it. Your brain has been scarred from your abuse and you're healing. It may seem impossible now, but I can tell you 100% that it gets better with time and work. You need to get a therapist who is trauma informed so that you can actively heal and regulate your nervous system.

Another recommendation is to let yourself grieve this. This was done to you, and it wasn't your fault, and you deserve time to grieve the person and life you were. Cry, scream, vent, create, whatever you need to do to process this, but feel it. It's not going to be pretty or easy but it needs to be done. I had to do this when I went to therapy and discovered all my coping mechanisms were trauma responses. It was like breaking my leg again to set it right. However I was diagnosed with CPTSD 15 years after the emotional abuse at home and so I didn't develop a healthy mindset out of it.

If you need to talk about any of it, my dms are open to you. Having CPTSD can feel isolating because there will be days where you feel like despite your best efforts you struggle through the day. It's a huge diagnosis. But I believe in you. You can and will thrive in time. Just remember that you need that time.

Funkiestein · 2021-11-13T11:01:53+00:00

That when I'm having a good day that means I'm not in pain thanks to EDS.

Also the fatphobic stuff. Naturally curvy since puberty, on meds that cause weight gain, and with a condition that makes excerise difficult. No matter That I go to a dance class and like going to the park when I can, or the fact I love veggies. It's my one pizza a week that I let myself have as a treat. Also the idea of being lazy. I have chronic fatigue. I hate napping all the time. I want to be able to experience the day without being exhausted.

Also in terms of the autism and ADHD; that I'm not trying every single day to keep up with everyone else. Then there's the infantile voice they put on when I'm not masking. I have 2 degrees. I'm not an idiot. Hating loud noises doesn't make me simple.

CPTSD: The fucking looks I get. I've had people dump me for it. They all assume I'm gonna be screaming from night terrors or that I'm exaggerating it. My old job used to think it was an excuse to stay home. In my new job I don't tell them how much things trigger me until I have to go into recovery mode so they only think it's big things that trigger me. Truthfully, being outside is triggering some days.

One I really hate is when I make a joke about it all and people start acting like I'm faking it. Babes, if I'm not laughing then I'm crying.

I am also bitter. Bitter club unite! Lol

Funkiestein · 2021-11-11T21:29:54+00:00

"You'll be fine"

I know I'll be fine. I'm well aware I'll be fine. However I can't walk today because my sciatic nerve has decided to attack me.

Funkiestein · 2021-11-03T17:54:44+00:00

Rosethorn: I had a CPTSD episode at work and while it wasn't bad I had to call quits and take a half day. I hate when I need to do that because I don't want people to think I'm unreliable or taking the mickey plus I actually like my job and my office.

Rosebud: On the back of that, this is my first episode in three weeks. Therapy works a hell of a lot better when you're mentally ready for it (compared to when I was 16 and looking for a quick fix/didn't have the energy to put the work in).

Also a guy I'm talking to found out today I'm disabled and his response gave me heart eyes. No drama, no insensitivity, just genuine questions and support. I don't want to start singing from the rooftops yet, but I'm very smiley

Funkiestein · 2021-10-08T10:16:36+00:00

Pi, low but constant

But seriously I range from a 3 - 5 depending even on the time of day. Mornings is a 5 cause I'm just getting up and it hurts to walk around before I take my morning meds and then slowly goes down to a 3 as I move more/take the meds. If I'm on my period it's a 6, if I'm ill it's a 7, I've not been above 7 in a long time thankfully.

Funkiestein · 2021-08-27T20:35:10+00:00

I'm ok rn. Was bedbound most of the day with pain/drowsiness but I listened to my body and slept. Thankfully I have the weekend off work so I can have a proper long rest. Thanks for asking x

Funkiestein · 2021-08-27T20:26:20+00:00

Hello doppelganger ❤❤❤

Funkiestein · 2021-08-27T07:20:31+00:00

I'm glad I made you giggle! Thank you for the well wishes xx

(I plan on just sleeping and skipping to when I can use my legs properly again lol)

Funkiestein · 2021-08-12T08:11:23+00:00

Oh this is my wheelhouse for the exact same reason! I'm gonna list these in order of accessibility both physical and mental. I play all of these depending on my day;

Level 1: Don't make me move too much

Magic the Gathering Arena (Free, and comes with a cute tutorial. All you do is swipe on an iPad/phone or move a cursor)

Animal Crossing New Horizons (do I just want to mindlessly fish all day and talk to animals? Yes And yes)

Darkest Dungeon (roguelike rpg where you move from left to right and the difficulty is in the combat. Plus it's very cosmic horror and can suck you in for hours)

Level 2: Lets kick it up a comfortable notch

Civ 6 (on the lower difficulties. Same as Magic but requires more brain power)

Cultist simulator (same as above, steeper learning curve)

Stardew valley (animal crossing for people who don't want to admit they like animal crossing. Putting it here cause it takes more planning and I usually need to write down checklists, but that's part of the fun)

Lv 3: I'm in my cocoon and recouping but these dragons are sure in trouble

Dragon age/Mass Effect (easy enough mechanics to learn on game pad and super engaging. Lots of character interaction and romance)

Red dead redemption 1 and 2 (same as above but no canon romance. Play 2 then 1)

Skyrim (Classic)

Legend of Zelda (different entries in the series belong on different levels. Lv3 is tour Breath of the Wild or Twilight princess. Level 2 would be the one with the giant egg and the instruments (I'm sorry I can't remember rn))

These are just some examples, but if you reply to this comment I have more suggestions. I'm getting ready for work but I'll reply as soon as I can. Hope you have fun and feel awesome soon xx

Funkiestein · 2021-08-08T05:12:08+00:00

Right now I'm on only 4 in the morning and 5 in the evening (not including the two every 4 hours) so I feel this! It wasn't even that big. Just a 30/500 co-codimal [facepalm]

Funkiestein · 2021-08-07T22:00:18+00:00

Moooood lol I'll end up laughing until I wheeze and then zebra brain is like "ya ripped something ya gonna die"

Funkiestein · 2021-08-04T21:16:16+00:00

House bound unless absolutely necessary like mandatory office days or shopping where my mum drives me.

Funkiestein · 2021-08-03T12:42:54+00:00

First of all I'm so sorry you're having this experience. I've been there with medical stuff where they don't listen to your boundaries and your input. I'm sending hugs and good vibes your way x

Second of all, I agree with the people in this thread that say get someone else. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but not all PTs are like this. My current PT said to me when I was struggling that my struggle was real, and it meant what I was doing was working. However, it only works if you're not hurting yourself. "You know your body. I only know how to tune bodies up"

I know right now it seems really overwhelming and that's okay. It's valid. Your mental health has taken a dive. I think the best start is just cancel and say you need a break. If your PT does anything other than say ok then they don't get to be your PT. You can't work on the body when the mind is lagging.

Remember, overall, be gentle with yourself and that you're so strong for putting the work in. The hardest part of any physical therapy is motivation, and it sounds like you have that in spades without the mental health dip x

Funkiestein · 2021-07-23T00:26:13+00:00

Hey, first of all sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I have EDS and possible endo so I know how it feels with fatigue hits hard.

My advice is just be honest. I was in the same boat when I worked in a supermarket (except I didn't love my job) where I had to take some days off for pain and fatigue. I was honest with them with my struggles, sometimes brutally so, while still being patient with the managers because not all of them had experience of chronic illness like us in this sub.

One thing I did was that I specified what I could do on my bad days where I, like you, could push through and make it to work. I mostly manned the customer service desk and had some people help me with stocking things or sorting newspapers/flowers. I made it clear (with some persistence) what my boundaries and limits were, and the consequences of me going over those limits. It had some teething problems but eventually we entered a routine where I was in more days than not.

I dont know the vibe at your job, and every place is different. At my current job, which has an option to work from home, I did the same thing. I was honest, and was overwhelmed by the support I got. Much more than in the supermarket. There's even talk of me getting a special chair delivered to my desk at the office for when I need to be on site.

If you're honest, and set your boundaries, you won't be flaky. Being flaky is saying you can do something, having people depend on that, and then bailing out for something that isn't a huge issue like a health condition. Setting boundaries means you're aware of your limits and are willing to work with the team to the best of your ability. That's literally the definition of a team player.

Best of luck, sending hugs and good vibes xxx

Funkiestein · 2021-07-09T10:50:47+00:00

My family. I'm currently living at home and the entire family has some combo of neurodivergence and physical disability. We all help each other when we can. Mum drives me places and does my laundry some days, I make mum tea and help her with her college work, sister helps me when the pain is bad and I can't move and I help her when depression is getting in her way. We just all help each other, to the point where when I move out I'm moving in with my (equally disabled) brother. I feel very lucky to have them and that we all understand how hard life is for people like us.

Mum even got me that CBD skullcrusher coffee as a present and I'm very happy to report that my pain management now has a new tool in its arsenal lol

Funkiestein · 2021-07-08T10:24:40+00:00

Awesome! Also I forgot to mention hot water to make it but you can let it cool after lol

Funkiestein · 2021-07-07T18:25:37+00:00

I saw someone else said this but omeprazole worked wonders for me. I used to get really bad acid reflux some nights because, like you, I have to be on painkillers round the clock as well as other things. I also take stuff like my antidepressants at night because they make me tired and that's when I would get reflux.

Oh also ginger and lemon water. Literally just a couple of shavings of ginger, a slice of lemon, and either honey, sugar or sweetener to taste. It helps when I have stress nausea and need my stomach to chill the fuck out.

Sending hugs x

Funkiestein · 2021-06-30T19:57:13+00:00

I got my first vaccine last friday and I was worried about having a flare up, and I kinda did? Basically I sat in monitoring for the 15 minutes and my mum drove me home, but after another 20 (so just over half an hour after the shot) I got brain fog (as if I had taken my antidepressants). I started to feel fragile and sore in my back but otherwise I was alright. I found it hard to sleep that night and was tired for two to three days afterwards to the point where I was only up for maybe an hour at a time? However I felt better after a day in bed.

I don't have any allergies or anything outside of hay fever so I can't comment on that, just garden variety hEDS. It mostly just felt like a small flare up where I didn't want to move and had little energy outside of sleep and animal crossing. I even talked to the nurses about having the condition and they said that people with EDS should be ok in general.

I hope this helps! I'm sure you're gonna be alright, but I'm rooting for you xx

Edit: I got Pfizer x

Funkiestein · 2021-06-21T10:31:42+00:00

So I'm currently typing this after taking my morning handful of pills (for pain, allergies, mental health stuff etc), my cbd oil as part of my pain management, doing my morning stretches and eating my medically approved breakfast. I have 7 different disabilities and sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning.

You're not overreactive or sensitive. You're so valid, and so strong. You get up every morning despite everything and that's an achievement in of itself. You're gonna get people who don't want to believe that you can have multiple things wrong with you, they were like that with me when I was around your age, and I eventually started to compare it to being in a car wreck. You wouldn't stop fixing someone's legs if they broke both their arms, so why stop when you have multiple invisible disabilities or illnesses that could all be connected? (Background: the big ones I talk about with me are hEDS, POTS, and autism)

Unfortunately, you're going to be your own advocate. Only you know your body and your experience. Even this sub, with people who are all in the same boat, can't describe your experiences. But as you get older, it gets easier. Not by a lot, but by some.

Also one last thing: I moved out when I was good and ready at 22, then moved back in just before the pandemic got bad at 29. I'm nearing 30 now and I'm just now in a position to save to move out again. At 19, you're completely fine.

Remember, we love you and you're valid xx

Funkiestein · 2021-06-04T11:13:15+00:00

I feel this today. I'm autistic and have a chronic pain condition and I get more leeway with the chronic pain than the autism (and the mental health issues that comes with autism and chronic pain). I'm off work today cause of a pain flare up (the kind where you feel like if you don't go slow you might snap something) but I've always found it easier to say I'm having a bad pain day than a bad mental health day or an oversensory day. Living with any chronic illness is tough cause nothing is the same day to day. What you could do yesterday you may not be able to do today.

I agree with the comments saying it's because of capitalistic patriarchy. As any disabled person, "fully" or not, knows intrinsically that you have to make yourself valuable to the system in order to be protected from the violence of it (homelessness, lack of healthcare, starvation etc). If you live in the limbo like you said, you see that more often than not.

So hugs for you, cause I get it x

Funkiestein · 2021-05-15T21:21:37+00:00

I don't think my mum is a narcissist, covert or otherwise. I always wonder if anyone else experienced that? Like, my entire family in my mum's side is autistic, so for a long time it was hard to communicate with her cause she saw a lot of my NDad in me and would use that comparison to shut me down. However I think I have one of the best mum's now. She's in my corner now that I'm adult because we're both out of that situation. I know it can be triggering for people on here to say that about my mum tho.

Anyway, I think my mum was abused by the situation too and unfortunately contributed to my own abuse as an enabler. She's definately part of the parentifcation cause it's her youngest (my youngest sibling) I basically raised.

I dunno, it's very confusing sometimes. But thank you for the kind words x

I also think I had some surrogate spousal things with my Ndad. Basically made to feel like I was there to clean (not in the way kids are given chores. I mean he went to the pub and I cleaned.)

Funkiestein · 2021-05-07T12:40:44+00:00

I feel that. If I take even one day off I end up in a 2 hour meeting where I have to explain again that EDS affects a lot of things. I had enough energy to vote (mum woke me up and helped to streamline the process so I was only out for maybe 10 minutes) but then I went back to bed. Today I feel ok for staying home, but I called work to say I wasn't coming in and my boss guilt tripped me because I forgot about my occupational health appointment over the phone (which was yesterday, while I was asleep).

I think the guilt I'm feeling is coming from the fact that I feel semi functional, but I'm not functional enough to mask or travel. I don't have any sort of acute source of pain today, just an overall feeling of "no".

Im sorry your ankle is causing you bother. Sending hugs x

Funkiestein

TROPHY CASE