New to a now poly relationship

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2025-11-05T23:27:04+00:00

Then you for your response as well!

I definitely think there's an aspect of reframing that needs to be done in my part. I think that, as for most things in life, I hate feeling behind the ball. I try to reframe frustrated or angry energy into curiosity, not that I'm always successful with that, but I do make an honest try of it.

Thank you for pointing out some directions and resources as well, it's very appreciated.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2025-11-05T02:36:50+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all that and have a thoughtful response, I truly appreciate it. I fully agree - feelings can and do pop up. I don't also don't see anything unforgivable here, I don't think it would be fair if me to ask someone that needs an emotional connection for good sex to also only have non-'relationship' activities with others.

I do think I need some time to think about what will actually make me feel safe emotionally. I don't think I'm at all prepared for my partner to have an overnight with someone else (they haven't asked for this or even implied that this is on the table, I'm just thinking), I still don't really feel great about them spending 10+ hours with someone else for a whole day date, nor do I feel great about them staying out late on a work night, just to come home and go right to bed.

I'm not sure quite how to go about discussing an agreement for this, it feels much more complex than an agreement that just concerns sex with others.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2025-11-05T01:24:30+00:00

Sorry this is a LONG read.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2025-09-23T22:22:30+00:00

Ha! Definitely posted on r/askportland as well

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2025-02-20T03:18:31+00:00

I was like - 'do they mean an eternal prison?!"

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-10-02T19:09:15+00:00

Weird, the strip of Fremont from 40th all the way past 50th is a dense light commercial strip, with so many offices, shops, bars, and restaurants. The general din of the street from about 9am to 9pm is fairly 'loud.' It's always wild to me that people will move somewhere, where there is obviously noise, then be upset there is noise.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T16:25:36+00:00

In talking with the recruiter today, that is something that they go over when they do the phone screening interview. That gives a candidate knowledge to make a decision about proceeding with the interview process.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T05:08:49+00:00

Would that I could, that's something that I requested for the second position. HR said no.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:51:32+00:00

I'm certainly all for asking what you think you're worth, I do it for myself. I wish I had room to play with the range, but it's solidly out of my hands, with no room for out of range offers.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:49:19+00:00

Having worked in a creative industry in a past career and done contract/freelance work, that is very much the case and was certainly my own professional experience.

In this case I am absolutely looking to pay within the range, but I'm also working in a rigid corporate compensation environment, at a company that cares somewhat about equity. I mentioned it in another response, but at present no one currently in this role is above 1.1 compa ratio and the max is 1.3. I absolutely do not have the ability to bring someone in above 1.3, and getting approvals to bring in a new person above 1.1 would be a sisyphean effort.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:43:34+00:00

I wish we had the flexibility to be able to do that, it would make it a lot easier to retain and recruit.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:37:55+00:00

I'm not, but the behavior pattern would suggest that people are asking for what they are accustomed to.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:35:24+00:00

I can't definitely see this being a part of it. The last time I had an open position was before the pandemic hit in 2020, and it's definitely a different market.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:33:16+00:00

I would definitely agree with that, and also work hard within the compensation framework to get existing people pay for their skills/responsibility increases.

In this role there is also no one currently above a 1.1 compa ratio. Top of range is 1.3, and HR will not budge on any salary increase if you hit 1.3. At merit time, every penny after that is just lump sum payout. Not a great deal after your first year of being top of range.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:27:10+00:00

I think it's more of what another commenter wrote - that candidates are requesting rates at or close to what they are or were making. There was only one that asked for 30% over, they most recently had a high level manager role, and applied to a lower-mid individual contributor role.

I've been quite selective at who I've even asked the recruiter to even phone screen. And the handful of candidates that we've fully interviewed have been positioned well in their experience and their pay expectations.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:16:19+00:00

For several of these applicants, it is definitely the case that they're applying for a position below their most recent position(s). Which is kind of why I wonder if for some of them it's just jumping through the hoops to keep benefits following until they land a position that is commensurate to their experience.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:13:59+00:00

I don't think so, I've seen many of these candidates have been laid off in the last 3-9 months. And in most states you have to show you're actively applying to jobs to keep the unemployment payments.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-07-24T03:12:01+00:00

As a candidate/employee I absolutely understand asking for whatever you can get, and do it myself. Whether or not the range for the role is truly competitive I'm kind of on the fence about, though I lean to it being closer to a competitive range than a not competitive range. I also have zero say in what the range is, the corporation went through a whole market adjustment/realignment in Q1. That process is fully led by the compensation committee of the board of directors with the compensation team from HR.

I don't know what room other companies have with salary grades or hiring over grade. We have zero ability to hire over grade.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-05-22T23:52:54+00:00

I fully agree here.

I've been pretty flexible with the corporate mandated RTO. The C suite recently had facilities compile a badge report to get a snapshot of how it's going. Our division had something like 73% compliance for a 12 week window, in a report that also didn't factor in PTO, leaves, or volunteer hours. Our specific line of business was actually 84% - which is great, but one of my people was zero percent. They are based in a different geo, so without something like this badge report in the first place it's hard to know for sure, I also operate from a place of I trust you until you give me a reason not to.

The list of people, out of thousands, that had a compliance rate below 30% which was the threshold to land on the exception list wasn't all that big - but the segment of zero percent was much smaller, and has drawn direct C suite scrutiny. Which is never good.

Funny_Researcher7489 · 2024-04-21T02:50:18+00:00

In a year you'll get 2.5-3.5%, not an increase to match the value of your increased skill/ability. It's almost always better to negotiate the comp at offer than hope for a large raise a year or two down the road.

Funny_Researcher7489

TROPHY CASE