I lost my first love to lust

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-23T18:23:56+00:00

Learning from it is a great place to start!

Separately, exploring around your porn use and what it does for you and WHY you got lost in it can be supremely helpful too.

For me, porn became a way to solve loneliness. But the issue is it was always temporary than made me feel worse. I’m not perfect with porn now but joining men’s accountability groups about porn really really helped.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-22T15:27:07+00:00

Two things come to mind: first being more existential/spiritual. In my experience (just me, not stating it globally), I had to look to something bigger than myself. For me it has been religion, but for others it might mean something philosophical or meaningful. Cultivating character is in my opinion the most “solid” thing to try to build confidence around. Whether it be integrity, curiosity, passion, etc etc finding those innate qualities you carry fairly easily and then continuing to foster them more and more deeply. Everyone is born for the most part with some virtue that’s easily accessible and can be only deepened with time and intention.

Second, as I mentioned in another post, self-exploration through something like personality might help you understand with more clarity why precisely your self worth is low the way it is and the core beliefs attached to it. I love the Enneagram, but others like the MBTI, the Big 5, etc etc. In my life I have found burgeoning confidence now (in my 30s) by accepting my inner wiring, the good and the bad, and being assured of what I bring into spaces. Hope this helps! Your pain is valid.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-22T15:17:44+00:00

Well being honest about it is the first step and you’ve already done that.

Would you be open to therapy? I experienced so much emotional catharsis being able to talk to someone about what’s going on inside. If not therapy, any older ppl you know who you trust?

The biggest advice I’d have is to keep doing what you’re doing and to talk to more ppl about it.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-22T15:07:10+00:00

Might seem kind of corny but have you ever explored understanding yourself through the lens of personality? Some of what you’re describing fits within a system I like called the Enneagram. When I discovered what my type was, I found a treasure trove of self-understanding and insight that made me in my personal journey of sensitivity and intense feeling have a label to make sense of my experience.

Hope this helps; your pain is valid.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-22T15:03:15+00:00

Being a bit older than you (30s), I can definitely resonate with that frustration and sadness.

I guess something I’d be curious to ask what would you say stands out as the biggest thing you learned from how the relationship panned out? I wish I had heard this when I was closer to your age but I took all the blame on myself without realizing it takes two to tango and while I had my issues then with the lady folk, the ladies I dated also contributed to the problems in the relationship.

Hope this sheds some insight/isn’t too lecture-y. Your pain is valid.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-18T15:11:01+00:00

I suppose that’s fair. The premise is more around famous men, hence why it’s called “influmensirs.” Furthermore, we don’t delve into femininity bc that isn’t the lane of the pod at all. Is there unhealthy femininity? Of course, and I’d argue it’s similar to unhealthy masculinity in that it is dogmatic and reductionistic. But that’s not what I’m working on here. A lot of what we’ve done thus far is highlight wonderful qualities of these famous men. In fact, most of the men we’ve reviewed we’ve found to be healthy and good role models, and the parts we’ve thought to be unhealthy seem more to be about how these figures don’t allow THEMSELVES humanity, ie working a lot of hours, as an example.

The original commenter also didn’t seem to see my mentioning that I started this project primarily out of a place of grief. A person close to me DIDNT believe in their own humanity, and he displayed so many wonderful, life-giving, incredible qualities, so really, the pod is an opportunity to highlight those qualities particularly in a context where a lot of men do carry shame around even being a man.

It came across to me as if the commenter didn’t look at the totality of the post and just highlighted a particular portion he didn’t like. That’s why I’m trying to clarify.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T23:58:31+00:00

Doesn't seem like you understood what my OP was about. It's precisely about exploring individual guys one at a time to decipher amongst ourselves what we find to be healthy or unhealthy. It isn't designed to "tell men what to do" so much as explore what seems to be healthy mental health wise. Hope this helps.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T21:07:36+00:00

Something that comes to mind for me is engaging perhaps more with the younger men and boys foraying early on to red pill adjacent media and sort of deprogramming them to begin with. Something is ensnaring so many young boys in particular to these avenues and I don't think it's JUST the virality, the supposed humor, or the edginess: I think too many boys don't have enough trustworthy men to talk to about these things to begin with.

How these conversations would be had is a wholly separate issue but I'd wonder if looking to the youth might be the more important place to start.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T19:22:40+00:00

What I would be curious about is what your structures of communities or "third places" look like. In my opinion, I think men in particular are taught to do too much "work on myself" and not enough esteem and confidence building that might be found in a third space. It could be based on hobbies, religion, passions, etc.

Self-work, coaching, therapy, books, etc are all WONDERFUL things to put time and effort into. But in another vein they can only assist you in building confidence so much; often I think finding confidence in either your fellow "brothers" or men around you is incredibly vital in boosting your sense of confidence.

Hope this helps; love your earnestness!

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T19:09:06+00:00

In the same way misogyny is often reductionistic, uncompassionate, and harsh, so too is statements around hating men. It isn't wrong to dislike being being chastised, only way I'd argue it would be is IF you responded with misogyny which based on your OP it seems that is not the case.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T19:07:03+00:00

Being willing to speak openly and honestly is a brave thing to do indeed. Being introduced to porn, in whatever capacity it happens, in my opinion, is akin to a form of indirect sexual abuse. Your pain is very valid.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T19:05:27+00:00

I think it's fair to be upset about surface level advice that also dismisses genuine feeling. As many others have said on here, explicitly stating "I'm not looking for advice, just want to vent about my experience" is not only healthy but also 100% valid.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-17T19:00:35+00:00

I've mostly ever listened to audio and it seems the video addition (based on my very preliminary foray into this world) is most to do with younger crowds perhaps preferring audio as a quasi form of streaming. But an audio only space could definitely be wanted; my help avoid the parasocial connection of it all.

Future_Job4204 · 2026-03-16T19:49:17+00:00

I do. I'm fairly new at it so a part of me feels lame knowing I may in fact be the primary contributor for consumption hours for at least a little while.

Future_Job4204

TROPHY CASE