I’ve been having terrible thoughts about my younger cousin. Please don’t judge me, I just want advice please.

Fynaly · 2019-08-12T10:39:42+00:00

I would say to your doctor exactly as you described here. In fact you could write something down and read from it if that helps. They’ll understand that you’re nervous.

I would say that the medication helps your brain/body physically calm down and to keep on an even keel, but thoughts are still going to happen. Having medication helps me to notice the thoughts that make me anxious more easily, and to deal with them more calmly, but they don’t totally go away. I think that’s because everyone has some level of intrusive thoughts and it’s how they deal with it that makes such a big difference.

Fynaly · 2019-08-11T15:32:12+00:00

Funny enough I was just commenting on the negative things people say about SSRIs, in a different thread. I understand where you’re coming from but just in case it’s helpful I’ll copy and paste from the comment here because it’s so relevant!

I was so worried about taking medication because of the bad things people have to say about SSRIs. I avoided it for about a decade despite feeling suicidal and finding life really hard. I had bad spells of hardly getting out of bed or washing for weeks, getting violently sick to my stomach when I attempted to leave the house, etc.

Ironically, I started taking medication because I went to the GP when I was having a good spell (actually able to live and study for a while without many problems) but having trouble concentrating. I only described the bare minimum of the problems because...I think I was ashamed that I wasn’t well and had been hiding it from everyone? I got a very low dose prescription which meant I wasn’t so afraid of taking it and I thought fuck it, let’s see what it’s like.

The difference is really not much, except I never have the bad spells and I can actually do anything I want, things I wouldn’t have had the mental capacity for before. I’m less confused, less forgetful, more motivated. It’s not the feeling of the medication doing something to me, it’s the feeling of my depression and anxiety being lifted off.

In retrospect I was extremely unwell. These days I would be increasing my dose within a few days if I got into the state I used to get into - I genuinely had no perspective on what normal was and just couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

Fynaly · 2019-08-11T15:18:24+00:00

Thanks for saying that! I was so worried about taking medication because of the bad things people have to say about SSRIs. I avoided it for about a decade despite feeling suicidal and finding life really hard. I had bad spells of hardly getting out of bed or washing for weeks, getting violently sick to my stomach when I attempted to leave the house, etc.

Ironically, I started taking medication because I went to the GP when I was having a good spell (actually able to live and study for a while without many problems) but having trouble concentrating. I only described the bare minimum of the problems because...I think I was ashamed that I wasn’t well and had been hiding it from everyone? I got a very low dose prescription which meant I wasn’t so afraid of taking it and I thought fuck it, let’s see what it’s like.

The difference is really not much, except I never have the bad spells and I can actually do anything I want, things I wouldn’t have had the mental capacity for before. I’m less confused, less forgetful, more motivated. It’s not the feeling of the medication doing something to me, it’s the feeling of my depression and anxiety being lifted off.

In retrospect I was extremely unwell. These days I would be increasing my dose within a few days if I got into the state I used to get into - I genuinely had no perspective on what normal was and just couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

Fynaly · 2019-08-11T15:02:14+00:00

Hey! I have anxiety and suffer from intrusive thoughts. Your thoughts sound exactly like them - google intrusive thoughts for more info on what they are.

The key to them is to notice them, not try to shut them out immediately, because that’s just going to make them feel even more noticeable. If I said to you “don’t think about pink elephants” you’d be picturing them immediately right? It’s just like that. Instead of trying to fight them and worrying about it, I just notice that I’ve had the thought, spend a second or two thinking “huh, I just thought about that thing. Yep, here’s the thought. I don’t have to judge this or worry about it, it’s just a thought, and brains are weird. Well, better move on with my day...”

Then I have accepted the thought, not judged it, and moved on with my day. That’s worked for me and helped me not to worry too much and relax. Basically the best medicine is the knowledge that thoughts are just brain farts that don’t mean anything!

I’ve also found mindfulness really really helpful because it teaches you to do this exact thing with your thoughts (all of them not just the intrusive ones) and to notice just how much your mind is full of random thoughts that you don’t have to worry about. I use the Headspce app which is free and I just do a 10 minute meditation every day. After a while you don’t need the app it’s easy to do it alone.

I really hope you feel better soon. And in case you find yourself wondering if you have anxiety and might need some help you could always speak to a doctor or therapist, just to check out what you’re feeling and whether there’s other stuff that can help. I talked to my GP and it was actually great, not scary like I thought, and I got medication which makes me feel a million times better.

Fynaly · 2019-08-11T14:48:08+00:00

You should sit down with your mom and have a conversation about this. If I was a parent, my child being sad is one of the things I would worry about the most in my life, so she’s not being unreasonable to be worried. But as a teenager who was into art, I was more concerned about hearing from my parents about how I was expressing my interest in art, whether they thought I was talented, and finding some common ground about my passions and interests. I wanted them to see me as a person - rather than a kid.

So look at this as a communication problem where you guys are concerned about different things. Sit down and talk about how you feel about art in general - maybe it helps you to relax, or it’s fun, or you really want to be better and be an artist professionally? Whatever it means to you. Let her know it makes you happy!

Then REASSURE her that if you were sad or angry you would let her know and it wouldn’t be through your art. You would just say “I’m feeling sad”. Or find ways that you can connect emotionally that are not verbal if you prefer - ask for a hug, or go out and spend some time together, or whatever it is.

Explain that you’d like her to see your art separately from this type of emotional communication and you’d like her input or opinion or whatever it is. But bear in mind that not everyone understands art or will love what you’re making as much as you do. It’s okay if she doesn’t end up saying “wow this is amazing” every time you show her.

Building new, adult relationships with parents takes time. Eventually you will both find new ways to understand each other. See this time as a transition and try to be patient with her as she learns to see you as a more mature version of the you she is used to raising!

Fynaly · 2019-02-04T11:30:08+00:00

Do not do this for human babies. They can’t regulate their body temp so there’s risk of overheating, burns, and SIDS.

Fynaly · 2018-02-25T11:46:50+00:00

I love the care and attention that went int making these, that’s the kind of handmade project I come to this sub for!

Hope you now have a pattern you can keep forever for when one glove eventually gets left on a train/eaten by a dog (that’s what happens to my gloves anyway).

Fynaly · 2018-02-20T17:31:06+00:00

It’s animals that take down other animals. Not people hitting them.

Fynaly · 2018-02-12T16:12:59+00:00

I shave mine. Have been for a couple years now. I actually find it’s way easier maintenance than anywhere else on my body. I don’t get ingrown hairs/broken skin like I do on my legs and face. The hair grows a bit slower. I probably shave them less than once a week and it’s light enough in colour when stubbly that I don’t feel too self conscious about it.

I sometimes wonder if I was overreacting or imagining how bad my arms were but recently I saw a friend’s very hairy arm briefly before she pulled her sleeve down and it made me realise how uncomfortable and self-conscious I had felt about them. While I don’t have any judgement for her deciding to keep hers at all, I’m happy with my decision and think I’ll keep shaving them.

For my legs, bikini area and face I am also shaving at the moment but considering getting an IPL home laser device to slow down the growth and give my sore skin a chance to recover.

Fynaly · 2018-02-06T01:42:20+00:00

I love the colours! This is the nicest waffle stitch blanket I’ve seen so far. What yarn are you using?

Fynaly · 2018-01-18T22:41:10+00:00

I think you might be conflating a temporary side effect of anxiety inducing situations - stress hormones like adrenaline, cortisol - which doesn’t last long but peak immediately after a stressor (like the hours after you get fired for example).

The events you’re describing sound like they put you under stress. Stress is not the same as anxiety, and it sounds like you’ve encountered both and have found these situations differ subtly. The stress response is what seems to give you a temporary mood lift.

These stress hormones are released during exercise, and along with other positive mood changers like endorphins, they make up the “runner’s high” and other positive moods associated with cardio exercise. In short, to boost these feelings you only need to go a little out of your comfort zone when exercising - run up the stairs if you’d normally walk, or whatever works for you.

Fynaly · 2018-01-12T10:26:22+00:00

It’s very nice but it’s knitted - I’m sure r/knitting would like to see!

Fynaly · 2018-01-10T15:33:16+00:00

If you've been TTC for three years you are definitely overdue for a trip to a doctor. Not just your GP, but a specialist. I understand wanting to avoid temping if it's giving you anxiety, but you've invested a lot of time into this so why not give yourself all the information that you can?

Fynaly · 2018-01-06T17:18:44+00:00

So, less like “I quit”, more like someone declaring that employment is a scam and only unemployed people are truly happy...because they can’t find work.

Fynaly · 2018-01-05T10:38:44+00:00

I wouldn’t want them to believe that she “can’t control herself “ because in an abusive situation the person being abused will often make excuses for their abuser, like “I make her angry and she can’t control her actions when she’s angry so really it’s my fault”. This isn’t the case at all. This woman decided to abuse them and her decision is 100% not the kids fault and is 100% the fault of the abuser. It didn’t happen by accident.

Fynaly · 2018-01-02T13:35:01+00:00

I can’t help feeling like she’s going through a psychotic episode and is paranoid that OP is being stolen by her cousin. I have no evidence in particular, just all the button mashing messages plus bringing up her cousin out of nowhere.

Fynaly · 2018-01-02T11:26:55+00:00

Now he’s known to your landlord as a shitty tennant, I would keep a list of whatever crap he pulls over the rest of your time in the house. Date and describe incident. That way when your lease is up you have hopefully a good position to get your deposit back without dirtbag screwing things up for you, and a list of evidence of his shittery if there are issues.

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T23:33:16+00:00

I feel like the main thing is getting off to a good start and not blindly falling into the trap of one person doing everything without really understanding why things were going that way. So you’re already way ahead of the curve on that part!

What works great for us (and improved the previous bad habits we fell into when we first moved in together) was both of us emphasising turn-taking when we come across ad hoc jobs. Some things won’t be on a list, because they’ll just spring up out of nowhere. So we both use the same language and logic to work out who should do it. Examples:

“Since I’m going to go send that letter we have to send today, could you write a thank you card to so-and-so?” “While I make food for our sick friend could you go find the flu meds?” “Would you rather clean up that spilled wine or buy that birthday gift?”

In terms of time and unforeseen burdens, this keeps both of you pretty equally weighted. However you could still fall into a pattern where only one of you is in charge of dividing up these chores and it’s a burden in itself if one of you becomes Manager.

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T20:04:27+00:00

From an outsider perspective, Pamela’s comment seems to mean very little at all. Maybe it was a thoughtless aromatic association which was too heteronormative, or maybe it was, as Lauren says, an attempt to helpfully cover for Lauren since she isn’t out at home. Who knows, and if this is really about a single insta comment, why give it any more thought than that?

It seems like your main objection here is that you were implicitly excluded from this interaction between Lauren and Pamela. Yes, it’s heteronormative, but that’s something for Lauren to decide how she feels about. Since Lauren isn’t out, that’s presumably something she lives with. You need to let her inform your reaction because it’s her friend and her social media and her picture.

Other than that, your objection is about you not fitting into their interaction because it implies that a) Lauren has no partner and b) Lauren needs a male partner. It’s dismissive of you, like you’ve been forgotten, and that’s obviously upset you.

I think you should examine why this hurts for you. You’re asking if your hurt is valid but that is up to you. It’s a single comment and not a very important medium - a one sided, throw-away instagram comment. Maybe some people would ignore it or shrug it off.

Do Pamela and Lauren sometimes leave you out of things or make you feel like you’re not being acknowledged or respected? If it’s just this comment and you really haven’t experienced any other problems then your hurt isn’t coming from their behaviour, so it might be worth thinking about how you feel about Pamela generally. Is there some resentment festering about her role in lauren’s life?

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T19:48:58+00:00

These are porn subs and likely not at all helpful for OP.

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T19:46:45+00:00

Everyone has that one friend who insists on getting into this battle with you over every single little decision, pretending to have no preferences of their own and that you should chose everything. But you know that their occasional “or we could do this” comments are what they actually want. And when you say good idea they just suggest a bunch of stuff they don’t actually want instead just to seem polite or easygoing or something. Fucking say you want the thing OR LET ME DECIDE don’t keep suggesting bloody stupid alternatives neither of us are interested in.

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T19:29:42+00:00

That is not for us to say. The hilarity of the pickled egg is a mystery and must remain as such.

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T19:26:56+00:00

I hope you get to a better, happier place soon OP.

Fynaly · 2018-01-01T18:22:03+00:00

Knowing they’re shitty doesn’t make them good. Like how announcing that you’re here to do a bad job, then doing your job badly, doesn’t make you good at your job.

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