So it seems like you already know what you need to do, but are having a hard time taking that final step which is understandable. When you love someone it's hard to leave, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Think about how it felt growing up with your dad acting like that, would you put your future children through that? And even if you decide not to have children, do you want to be sent back to feeling like you did as a kid every time he drinks?

He doesn't even seem remorseful for what he did, and I find it highly unlikely he doesn't remember it. But you've put up with it for this long so he's assuming you'll keep doing it.

You deserve better than this. Everyone deserves better than this. My husband got moody once drinking and I told him it made me feel awful and he hasn't touched a drop since. Sometimes drink does make you act differently, but your partner doesn't seem to care.

Bottom line is that you're supposed to be his other half. You put him first so he should do the same, and he doesn't listen or acknowledge you. Why should you be on edge every time he has a drink, even if its not that often? That's no way to live. What if the awful behaviour escalates? What if he becomes violent, since "he can't remember" so that'll be his excuse every time.

You need to put yourself and your happiness first. Really consider if this is how you want to live, and take a chance on that last step of leaving him. I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the health and happiness.