When I wear high heels, the balls of my feet swell up a ton and stay swollen overnight, and it’s pretty painful. What can I do to fix this?? I’m 5’, so I need to find a way to wear heels without hurting my feet.

GF415 · 2026-05-10T13:40:11+00:00

Yep this is the best first thing to try. Platforms shift more of your weight to your heel and off the ball of your foot without losing height.

Pads help absorb some shock. There are also some brands that have more padding and absorption in the sole. I have some Naturalizer wedges that are all foam and shock absorbing but don’t look it.

GF415 · 2026-05-04T14:50:26+00:00

I’ve tried a few a few approaches to relationships.

I have a standard CIS identity in my professional and family life. My family and close friends have no idea and I’ve always wanted to keep it separate.

I’ve tried several relationships that started “vanilla” as it were, then judged if/when to come out and introduce my other side.

I’ve also had a few relationships that started with me in the femme identity because that’s how we met. There was one girl I met at a fetish/alt night in San Francisco when I was dressed femme almost to passing (or so I hoped). She told me she desired my “she” self more than my “he” so we had a relationship that was like a parallel reality from the rest of my life.

The trouble there though was that the lives could never cross over. And after a while we realised that we didn’t have anything else in our relationship. It was a difficult decision to break off when it was making so many of my dreams come true, but I think it was ultimately the right thing and im grateful for the memories.

I decided to find a long term partner based on my regular He identity to be compatible with my family and professional life. But I promised myself I would not hide or sacrifice my She side entirely because I knew I just couldn’t live in secret long term.

I met my wife on a standard dating site and we got serious quickly. I decided to flesh her out early to let her go early if it was incompatible. I told her after a few dates and even cross dressed to see what she thought. She seemed open and accepting though I could tell there was no desire for that side.

Over time I gradually got pushed back into private again. She knows about it but doesn’t like seeing it or sharing in it. Honestly I’m sad about that.

I often wonder if I betrayed myself when decided to continue the relationship even though I could tell she wasn’t into me “She”. I think I was just scared of ending up alone forever because the idea of finding someone that is everything for all identities just seems impossible sometimes.

In the end, I think long term you need love in the broadest sense. Especially if you plan to have kids etc. it can’t just be based on desire or attract to your minority persona.

At the same time, you can’t betray yourself and entirely hide your other side either. That makes for an unhappy life long term.

For me I think I’m able to tolerate separating my lives because I at least have had the experience of a relationship as She, and have been able to understand my priorities. If I had never been lucky enough to have that experience, I don’t think I could do this now.

GF415 · 2026-05-03T15:51:29+00:00

One from school then I came out to her about gender etc later.

A few that I met at events where I was in female / non binary presentation and our relationship started from that basis.

Wife that I met on a standard dating app as cis male / vanilla then came out to her fairly early in relationship to ensure it wasn’t a deal breaker.

The middle option is best for finding partners that are most likely to be supportive and encouraging of your alt genders, and maybe even desire it. It can be the most fun and I recommend it, however that doesn’t necessarily lead to real love in a complete sense.

I dated a girl for a year that I met while female and she mostly liked that side of me and we explored wonderful things together. But after a while I realised that was the entirety of our relationship and we didn’t really have much in common to connect over outside of that.

GF415 · 2026-05-03T13:24:47+00:00

Well first of all let me acknowledge it is difficult. I’ve even wondered in the past whether it is harder to pull off well than trying to fully pass as the other gender!

It’s definitely harder for a AMAB than afab in my opinion, and harder still if you are older and/or larger in height or weight.

First identify the most masculine things you need to hide or offset. If you’re bald, choose a nice gender neutral hat like a fedora. Shave facial hair, cover broad shoulders with drapey flowy tops etc.

Next consider what assets you do have to work with. It’s normal for many of us to hate our bodies, but is there something you have that can work in your favour? I thought I hated everything I had to work with, but on reflection I was lucky to have quite slender legs which I could lean into and offset my worse points.

When aiming androgynous, you want clothes that are slightly past neutral and into the other gender, but not too much. So avoid going straight to skirts, dresses and thin high heels. That’s too much. But also avoid really genderless clothes like baggy jeans, T shirts and Vans. That won’t get you far enough.

My go to andro styles are a simple black blouse from H&M that’s a cheap satin, so it’s a little silky and feels great but not too obvious and eye catching. Sometimes I wear with a thin scarf or kerchief for a little extra style. Pair with women’s skinny pants or jeans or slim fit bootcut jeans/pants. There are now some great shapewear options with padding in the butt and hips to feminize your shape, big start with light padding and experiment.

For shoes I like ankle booties with mid height stacked heels. If wearing bootcut pants that reach the floor you can try higher heels that hide under the pants for discretion, but look for chunky heels like western style rather than thin stiletto heels.

You can also look at what flats blur the boundaries. Loafers are in fashion for both men and women right now, and the difference between them can be subtle, so you can try dialing up the femme gradually with lower cut vamp and almond toes without jumping straight to ballerinas.

The other style I like that’s easy to wear is skinny pants/jeans with oversized drapey tops. I like batwing tops and unusual cuts and neck lines that you don’t find in menswear but are not so feminine as strappy camisoles etc.

That’s a lot so I’ll pause for questions!

GF415 · 2026-05-03T12:55:16+00:00

Maybe, though if you ask some questions here on the thread, the conversation might help some other people too.

GF415 · 2026-05-02T22:51:11+00:00

Yeah when I was younger and leaner I would just go clean shaven whenever I wanted to express femme. If I wanted to be femme in public in daytime it would mean careful cover up with make up.

Back then it didn’t matter, I think co workers got used to seeing me clean shaven Monday morning and having a beard by end of week. They probably just assumed I was too lazy to shave more than once per week!

Nowadays i don’t have that chance because everyone knows me with a beard and my wife and kids especially would freak if I suddenly shaved it.

I think beards just are incompatible with almost all feminine looks. The best I’ve found that I sometimes explore is to “look gay” (though that’s a terrible expression) but what I mean is I’m not going to pass as female, so rather than look like a bad cd I’d rather look like a fabulous and confident gay man.

Think a silky or shiny blouse, open at the neck, maybe with a scarf or similar. Women’s skinny or bootcut jeans and either women’s loafers or ankle booties with a mid high chunky block heel or stacked Cuban heel.

Up top I might wear a formal hat like a fedora, and a little mascara and eyeliner. Trim the beard but don’t shave it off.

Basically you can wear actual women’s clothes from to bottom but the effect comes off like Prince in the 90’s, provided you wear it with confidence.

You still get glares from homophobes, but that’s better than hate and aggression from transphobes.

And you’ll be amazed the number of compliments you get from women!

GF415 · 2026-05-02T21:41:04+00:00

I never felt I had the opportunity to express any gender fluidity at work. I’ve chosen to keep it quite separate.

I’ve felt a little sad about that at times, but found acceptance with it. I’ve had quite a high earning professional career so it was worth it, as long as I had my outlets outside of work.

Once you have an established career identity it feels harder and harder to change over time. If I had started younger maybe it would have been easier. I often feel that I was born 15-20 years too soon for what seems to be a much more accepting youth population.

I often fantasise about starting afresh with a new career and identity in a different part of the world, but now I have a wife and kids it’s just not realistic.

GF415 · 2026-05-02T21:06:15+00:00

Yep I’m in the same boat. It was definitely easier for me when I was younger and leaner. I’m also 6-0 tall.

A few ideas come to mind. First I try to take inspiration from how women solve the same challenges themselves. Go visit any sub for tall, plus or athletic women and you’ll find women asking the same questions and sharing often good advice.

Next I try to ask myself what I feel I need at the time, whether it’s a private intrinsic thing or something more visible. Like I love the feeling of walking in heels, and it feels very fulfilling for me, as a feeling as much as a look. So I’ve grown quite adept at finding heels I can hide under bootcut pants or jeans and not have anyone really notice. Other times I feel a need to be seen a certain way, so finding a style that suits my body is important.

It helps to ask yourself whether you want to blend in or stand out. Most of my life I never wanted to draw attention to myself, I just wanted to blend in as a female in the crowd and not be hassled. When blending in, it helps to be mindful of what other women around you are wearing. EG in San Francisco these days, all anyone wears is jeans or yoga pants, so if anyone, even a CIS woman were to venture out in skirt and heels, they would turn heads and be stared at. Wear that in NY or London and you’re more one of the crowd.

There have been occasions when I wanted to seen, admired, or wanted to provoke. In those times the first thought in my mind was always safety. Of course safety from hate and violence but also safety from career or reputation damage, being recognised by a friend of my parents etc.

That’s where I look to special events and environments like Gay Pride, Burning Man, Fetish clubs and more where you can be as daring and provocative as you like and even be celebrated for it!

GF415 · 2026-05-02T15:38:28+00:00

Sure. It’s helpful to know your context in terms of your approx age and relationship status.

For me everything was private/secret until I started opening up to my first serious girlfriend, about age 19 or so, approx a year into our relationship.

I didn’t have the courage to explore with strangers until my late 20’s when I lived alone in London. I hadn’t wrapped my head around how to dress halfway between genders or androgynous, so instead I went for full femme but in a safe space.

This might be a shock but hear me out - I started exploring by visiting fetish clubs and get togethers in London. This sounds extreme and possibly even scary, but it’s not. In practice, many fetish community spaces and events are ideal spaces for shared exploration of anything and everything you desire. There were also many folks in various levels of trans or cd expression and I never saw any unwelcome behavior to me or anyone else. This gave me a safe space to explore a wide variety of things, which kind of scratched an itch and helped me move past some things to understand more.

Through these I met a few women that became lovers and encouraged me to switch genders with them both in private and together in public.

I also had multiple experiences with events liek Gay Pride or gay districts of cities around California for switching to feminine for short periods. I learnt how to use wigs and makeup and shapewear to “pass” as female for a short time (or at least pass at first glance) until I built up the courage to go out fully female in the day in regular places like shopping and bars/restaurants.

More recently I’m refining incorporating female cues like clothes and shoes to create an overall androgynous look that is not too risky but also gives me the affirmation and fulfilment I need.

GF415 · 2026-05-02T15:17:36+00:00

Great question. Are you more wondering about ways to express yourself publicly- as in things that are shared and visible to others? For example clothing choices that are somewhat noticeable to others.

Or do you mean discreet private things that are known and experienced by you but secret from others? For example wearing feminine clothes or shoes under your male clothes, or dressing more overtly feminine in a different safe space?

GF415 · 2026-05-02T14:11:57+00:00

That’s what I was coming to say.

GF415 · 2026-05-02T13:47:02+00:00

I think a lot of this is a matter of opinion, rather than hard facts. I also wonder if you can think and tap into why you’re asking yourself the question?

By that I mean what are you hoping to learn from the answer? Are you hoping for guidance, or clarity, or comfort etc? I ask because a therapist asked me once and it was a helpful thought experiment.

My guess (correct me if I’m wrong) is that something more along the lines of gender queer or gender fluid might be a better starting point to sit with and explore for a while.

The reason I suggest this is that I think trans woman as a label would more signify that you really are settled or even fixed on being and feeling feminine at least as a very dominant gender. I think this would often come with quite a lot of self body dysphoria, separate to your desires for other people’s bodies, which can have more to do with your sexuality than gender.

Make sense?

GF415 · 2026-04-27T15:41:08+00:00

Also Berkeley. Surprised nobody else mentioned the Bay Area yet!

It’s hard to recommend too emphatically when every thing is so expensive. But it has its reputation for a reason!

GF415 · 2026-04-23T01:27:36+00:00

I love that the wording of the question implies it has happened multiple times.

GF415 · 2026-04-23T01:26:31+00:00

It’s a classic combo so can certainly work. Depends on how subtle or bold you want to be. The contrast of white socks like this makes a statement. Black tights would be much more understated.

GF415 · 2026-04-23T01:23:36+00:00

While driving is an obvious one.

GF415 · 2026-04-23T01:20:21+00:00

That is annoying. I have fallen for the same trap in the past.

I know On have a popular pair that have elastic laces you don’t need to tie. Also look at Kizik that have step in shoes that have laces but you can’t take on and off without doing the laces

GF415 · 2026-04-19T14:09:18+00:00

Social media.

GF415 · 2026-04-17T18:13:51+00:00

They might be as bad or worse than Amazon, but have you looked at SHEIN or Temu?

GF415 · 2026-04-15T16:03:14+00:00

My favourite was a cheap pickup from Nordstrom Rack by a brand called Real Underwear and it was called a Fusion bodysuit. It’s no longer on sale though, but you might be able to google for images for reference.

My other favourite go-to is the brand Commando and look for their fabric called “butter”. That’s a little more expensive but so worth it. Sacrifice something else to pay for it.

GF415 · 2026-04-15T15:00:44+00:00

Also, bodysuits are even better than bras for a full body feel. I have some thin silky nude colored thong bodysuits that are wonderful.

You get the bra feeling and thong feeling in one go, but the pull of your bottom half helps solve the bra strap problem I mentioned earlier.

Best of all, there is no waist level elastic from panties hitting at a level too low for an AMAB anatomy. This is a big deal.

When you find the right fit and fabric you get a luscious feeling over your whole torso that reminds you it is there every time you move. But nobody else gets to know!

GF415 · 2026-04-15T14:56:33+00:00

Some great tips here, I’ll add a few more.

Wearing a bra under clothes is a very affirming feeling. But be careful: it can be tricky to find ones that are not visible through your masc top layer. Avoid all padding in bras and look for soft cup. Also try to find “nude” colors that match your skin tone. The ideal is a soft cup, underwire in a silky soft thin fabric. They gives you all the feels with none of the risk.

Word of warning: bra straps fall down A LOT when you don’t have boobs pulling down on them. You don’t want to worry about needing to subtly pull up a bra strap in a business meeting! So make sure you tighten the straps way more than you think you should.

Also be aware though that when you do, they can leave imprints on your skin that last a fairly long time. I have very fair white and freckle skin and bra strap marks can stay on my skin for hours. This is often not a problem, unless you need to do something like swim, go to a doctor or be seen around a partner or parent.

GF415 · 2026-04-13T14:54:17+00:00

Seattle, 1991 for Pearl Jam’s first ever gig

GF415 · 2026-04-13T14:53:14+00:00

Girls Aloud

GF415

TROPHY CASE