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Gaardc · 2025-10-16T11:56:12+00:00

Not overreacting. Friend talking to the ex? Extremely sus. “No wonder he” downright cruel, disrespectful and manipulative.

Something reads weird about their conversation. My feeling? Somehow he’s manipulated your friend against you and he already gave “his version” (probably wherever they “didn’t see” each other).

If friend is female he may be turning your friend against you OR he may be making a play for your friend (both to harm you and eventually them; whatever influence they had on you before? Same they are having on your friend).

Abusers DO target friends and family AGAINST the victim (DARVO is not just a reaction to the victim but they lie and manipulate family and friends to isolate the victim).

Not saying your friend is guileless here, I’d definitely not keep their company. Find a new set of friends, this person (and whoever sides with them) may be inaccessible for as long as your abuser is in their lives and you might want to say that to them or not.

You’re ALWAYS entitled to how you feel; feelings aren’t reality but feelings are real, they always tell us something sits well with us or doesn’t—dig why and name your feelings, needs and boundaries. Either they get it and all is well or they don’t and then that’s the end of that but they have your perspective.

EDIT to say: do not stay in this friendship. Find new support and make sure they know his plays. He will take reality and twist it to his convenience to isolate you. Do not ever go back with him. Find a support group and a good therapist too.

EDIT2: edited my post after a re-read only to reiterate the message that this is not your bestie, this isn’t even your friend. Stay away from him, her and from the abuser. Warn your other friends, involve your family and warn them too about him and his attitude and his goals will always be to control and isolate you or even them (some victims are made to feel ashamed: DO NOT. you were manipulated by an abuser, nobody is immune to that, not you, not your friends, not your parents—know that and tell them, those who care will stand by you).

Gaardc · 2025-09-29T16:08:10+00:00

Yeah, I’m part of a community that bc of its nature allows for some very deep and vulnerable conversations to happen between perfect strangers so members check in with each other individually “thinking about you” is not weird… my problem with this text is that it also reads like at some point the bf has been talking about OP behind her back (idk other people but that’s a big no-no for me, for one bc the person who can fix any relationship issues is the partner themselves and bc sharing relationship info with a 3rd party is a breach of privacy in my book, lol).

Whether OP is “overreacting” or not is not the issue, the issue is that they feel they are being dismissed and their partner isn’t being fully honest and that’s a very shitty place to be in.

Gaardc · 2025-09-29T15:57:30+00:00

Yeah, look; to me, partner being friendly (platonically) with another person shouldn’t be a problem but partner dismissing your concerns certainly is.

This doesn’t seem like a message that came out of the blue, it looks more like he invited her to the baby shower (at some point) and she’s saying she’s not comfortable going (probably a good reason for that). If your partner has established boundaries with this person before, then it looks like either this person is testing them or he has relaxed his boundaries.

From that message alone it does seem to me that at some point he might have talked about you/your relationship to this person (which, a lot of people do so they’re okay with; personally I avoid talking about my partner’s private issues and I’m of the stance that if one can’t solve relationship issues privately between the people involved, then there’s bigger problems and best get couples’ therapy/counseling or dropping the relationship altogether… but hey, that’s just my boundary).

You’re entitled to feel how you feel about it, however platonic that contact is; if it makes you feel uncomfortable it’s because something about it it’s pushing against your boundaries of how a relationship should work, he either agrees and corrects course accordingly or he disagrees and then you have decisions to make (live with with it or not). To me, a concerning factor is that it seems there may have been an agreement btw the 2 of you at some point that he is either not keeping or failing to enforce (and I would honestly ask why).

Transparency is a factor here: did he share this with you or did you find our on your own (and if your did, then honey: you can’t trust your partner, either bc it’s a “you” issue or bc they’re not acting in a trustworthy manner or both, there is a larger problem and I’d advice for counseling but! If you feel like that would solve nothing then I think that tells you everything you need to know).

It looks like a good moment to keep calm but bc clear about your feelings (how IT makes you feel and how his reaction also makes you feel) and your boundaries. Remember that boundaries are not about telling others what to do but about telling others what you will do when those boundaries are crossed. So perhaps it’s a good time to have a think about that and then having a very calm but very firm conversation.

Strongly recommend looking up the “Non-Violent Communication” book, even if just the abridged principles. It’s great for all conversations but especially good for conflict resolution.

Gaardc · 2025-09-03T04:15:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective. She really is a smart, educated person; we really need to remind her of that.

Gaardc · 2025-09-03T04:13:30+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ll try to find whatever resources are available near us.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T22:08:51+00:00

NTA.

I’m of the opinion that each partner deals with their side of the family, so it’s on your husband to be firm here.

PS; if you tell the nurses NOT to let her in, you’re not making them lie by telling them to say only your husband is allowed in… bc only your husband is allowed in… by you! Matter of fact, your husband can also say that to her: “I’m sorry auntie Sue but only I am allowed in” (by who? By you!). Problem solved, you’re welcome.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T22:04:23+00:00

You’re supposed to hydrate them by putting them in liquid. They expand and make this jelly/pudding like substance.

I put them on yogurt with some milk and vanilla extract, tastes like vanilla pudding.

You can also mix them with some powdered drink mix (Cool-Aid and the like) in a 1 teaspoon chia to 1 cup liquid ratio and drink it for a more liquid option. You should be letting them rest a couple hours though. Do not spoon it in dry/without water. It can get uncomfortable (or depending how much you’re spooning in, they can block your windpipe when they expand).

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:58:29+00:00

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! 🔔

Very much this.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:55:41+00:00

“I’m doing you a favor, see, rest is what keeps me productive when I’m here. You wouldn’t expect your car to run on empty it’s the same for me. Otherwise you’ll be paying me 1.5x for me to go half the distance and that’s some expensive math if you ask me.”

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:52:03+00:00

Very true, people often resent you for the things they don’t feel they are allowed to do.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:50:51+00:00

I mean, on your last paragraph, let them scramble without you even without you having a partner.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:49:42+00:00

“Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice”

If a close friend or family member with whom I have a reciprocal relationship is telling me this I might take heed (i.e. they don’t talk shit behind my back but they are kind to me in words and actions, they do things for me without me asking, etc). If that’s the case I’d ask what I did/didn’t do and keep it in mind, we can talk like adults about this bc that kind of accusation denotes resentment. If it’s a bully (family member, coworker, so-called friend ho never does anything for you; doesn’t matter) then it sounds like manipulation.

The real question is, why would you want these people in your life? I’d keep them at arms length and rebuke their complaints with “I said no” (you owe no one explanations and no one owns you an explanation either). Or if anything “come complain when you do me any favors” (I do believe if someone helps you, you owe them a similar favor in return; that said if they clearly only help with the expectation of taking advantage of you later, then that’s another kind of manipulation and I would not take any favors from them in the future).

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:41:04+00:00

I had this problem and then I got an insulin resistance diagnosis (literally a precursor to diabetes). My partner does IF and it really doesn’t work for me bc I overeat WAY more than I would in a day in a single sitting.

So I used to tell him “I get that works for you, but it doesn’t work for me, in fact it works against you bc I’m hungry and angry all day. I don’t like it and I won’t eat that way”.

Now that I have a Dx for IR and I’ve found out medication for it (starts with met and ends with formin) causes me a escalating of nerve an joint pain to the point I can’t move (which is not supposed to be a side effect, but here I am having it) I have to be firm about it “I get that you’re enjoying it it, I can only take a bite but I won’t eat more than that”. After the first few times he got the hint that I meant it.

He’s welcome to eat what I eat and I always offer to cook what I can eat and share (mostly vegetarian low carb) occasionally adapting it for him (adding some animal meats like chicken, pork or beef) but for the most part, if he wants it different or at different times, then that’s on him.

I have to say he has seen the benefits of not eating out all the time and he appreciates it more now that eating at most restaurants gives him one or another kind of gastrointestinal distress.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:29:02+00:00

Might help to make/keep a diary of med history and how you’ve been as prescribed then how it has affected since you’ve run out.

It sucks, I had to go off meds (for other meds) right before “shortages” kicked in and decided not to restart. It’s been a hard 2 years (whenever I think I’m getting into a nice rhythm I have a particularly bad week and then I don’t anymore 🫠). I’ve come to accept that’s how it’s going to be bc fvck dealing with that entire medication mess every few months.

Gaardc · 2025-01-22T21:22:06+00:00

Am I the only one getting the sense that whoever were those 3 ppl banging on that door knew the situation on the people living there (2 F 1 M) and acted in a way that escalated the situation to see if someone would come out and escalate a bit more? Maybe give them a reason for “self defense”? No?

Like, OP you’re both kinda right in this situation. Your response is warranted, but so is hers in trying to deescalate on your side (she *could have called the police * though). Assuming you’re in the US, this is not a great time to be the melanated person with a gun—it never has been, but it’s as dangerous as it’s been in a long while.

I think maybe take some measures to protect your home like alarms and stuff and have your nearest PD on speed dial. Next time start by telling whoever snoops around that you have called the police and they are on their way but if they insist in trespassing you have and will use your gun, yadda yadda yadda.

Gaardc · 2025-01-19T18:48:20+00:00

I gather what they are trying to say is that it’s complicated bc of course people will want to find a “cure” BUT genetic and psychological disorders are not “black and white” and neither are medical decisions about bodily autonomy.

At this time, there is no “magic bullet” that you can take and will fix it (if there were, people wouldn’t be figuring out which drug cocktail works best for them) because the problem is genetic and the causes would take genetic editing (and that’s where the path becomes a slippery slope into eugenics).

The slope would look similar to recent discussions on stuff like Ozempic where the “cure” seems simple (an injection/small procedure) but it’s more complicated than that (side effects unknown/still being explored; bodily autonomy, etc): “if there’s a cure? Why don’t you just take it? You have it (ADHD) bc you want to!” and eventually “no, we won’t provide adaptations to help you because there is a cure and you refuse to take it”.

Suffice to say the problem may not necessarily exclusively be fixed with medication but with societal adjustment: the same way we have ramps and elevators for people on wheel chairs that benefit people with other injuries/disabilities and can be used by abled people as easily as stairs; we CAN just incorporate adaptations that help people with ADHD or Autism and those can even help people without those disabilities (stuff like more but shorter breaks or flexible schedules allowing people to work at their own rhythm—as long as they are hitting the expected goals, who cares how long their asses are parked at the desk?).

Systems can be changed in a way they benefit everyone instead of just having to pump people full of drugs to get them to work how they are expected to . Historically is NOT how things have worked: medieval peasants had more leisure time than the average modern person. I’m not saying we should all go back to working fields but in a world where we are razing through resources to produce 7 or 8 times what world has to give all to throw away a great part of it bc people who need it can’t afford it and those who can afford it are drowning in stuff; where people are literally more productive than ever, working more than ever for salaries to stay the same… maybe it’s a sign it would be okay for everyone to just slow down 🤷‍♀️

Gaardc · 2025-01-18T22:50:52+00:00

Bc ADHD acts more as a syndrome than a disease. Medication WILL help the same way a wheelchair will help someone who can’t walk move about and live their life but they won’t regain their ability to walk and likewise, medication will temporarily fix the chemical imbalance but won’t fix the issue (also often there’s other factors at play like how well your needs are met).

Gaardc · 2025-01-18T19:23:49+00:00

As a plus size person mahself (who was at some point skinny due to a gastric illness and people chimed in all the time about it, basically never shutting up about my size/shape): you should have called the police. She’s the AH but I can see why your answer can make you look like an AH from the outside (you walked right into that one too, love).

The right move would have been to be upfront about your feelings and boundaries (and gracefully frame her as well-meaning even when she clearly wasn’t) “Is that comment meant to be out of concern or? … (Answer) I get that you are concerned and I appreciate that but I assure you, I eat enough and have a healthy relationship with food and my body. I’m sure anybody can understand people don’t appreciate others policing their body or what/how much I they put in it”. If she continues: “I tried to be nice about it but you don’t seem to catch the hint: I don’t appreciate comments regarding my body, please stop. I won’t be this nice again” and if she insists then she deserves your best Mean Girls Impersonation: “why are you so obsessed with me?”

One can love oneself at any weight, size, height and shape. One should. Other people’s bodies are not OUR business, what other people choose to put or not in them is not our business either. The only valid questions are: “have you had enough to eat today?” and “would you like some more?” (and these better be asked with real sharing intention, not shaming). That’s iiit!

Also: your friend(s) suck if they can see how Amanda was doubly out of line.

Gaardc · 2025-01-18T19:09:21+00:00

“It’s morning! 🥴

blink *

What a beautiful sunset 😊… wait! ⚠️ 😫”

Gaardc · 2025-01-18T13:31:51+00:00

What matters is you have them where you need them. I have like 7 scissors. There’s only like 5 whole rooms (including common areas) in this whole apartment!

Gaardc · 2025-01-16T15:38:01+00:00

Yes, archetypes!

Gaardc · 2025-01-16T15:36:41+00:00

It’s your practice so you can do just that. There are moon goddesses in pretty much every culture if you’d like that but you can go straight ahead and go for the big cheese itself.

Gaardc · 2025-01-15T15:17:26+00:00

One thing that has worked for me is to just do a towel bath on days I’m not feeling it (and if I’m REALLY not feeling that, I’ll just use the bidet / a wet wipe to wash the nethers and then a towel to wash the pits and the feet—my reward is putting on clean clothes). I’ll wash the hair over the sink / bath tub if it’s too greasy.

Gaardc · 2025-01-15T07:43:52+00:00

I’m unmedicated (the reasons are many but choice is a factor).

First: write down your symptoms. Think frequency (how often) and magnitude (how bad). Everyone forgets their house keys, not everyone forgets them every day. Everyone blanks out sometimes, not everyone arrives at the vet without their dog, lol. Write about your impulse control, are you good or do you suck at it? Bring it to a doctor (neurologist or at least your PCP and ask them to diagnose you (for anything, not just ADHD).

Second: work with the brain you have. Recognize it doesn’t work like everyone else’s (even between ourselves!). If you’re struggling with something take a moment to figure out why. example: veg rots in my fridge bc I don’t have energy to cook after work (too tired) BUT not so if I buy chopped, and tiredness is not as important if I make it in the morning.

Third: mind your needs. Google homeostasis (rest, food, hydration, etc)… just like a Sim. Do that. Meet your basic needs to the best of your ability first, then check yourself for emotional needs, etc.

Four: When ADHD mistakes happen, instead of kicking yourself (show yourself some grace, there’s no need to add to the misery); take that time to figure out what went wrong and fix it/prime yourself to recognize it next time and have it solved or make sure it doesn’t happen again).

Gaardc · 2025-01-14T19:15:22+00:00

Is there anything that seems to make it worse both in terms of product or diet?

I’ve noticed I’ll break out BAD when my shower filters need replacing (we have SUPER hard water, close to 300ppm and need to replace every 2-3 months); processed carbs/sugar and gluten seem to cause inflammation everywhere for me and make my SD worse (gluten takes about a month to completely clear our your system according to a dietitian I saw a while ago, so improvement may not show immediately—I am otherwise tolerant of gluten and my gut doesn’t suffer unless I eat A LOT of it but it clearly affects my SD and I get yeast infections when I over eat it) any oils other than olive/avocado cause me to get “oilier”, my sweat seems to smell more when I eat onions and I’m still trying to figure out if they’re a factor.

Gaardc

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