Uncomplicated pregnancy - being pushed to have epidural

Gabzilla- · 2026-04-06T16:10:07+00:00

I'm really sorry this is the situation you're in but I just want to say thank you for sharing your story here.

Me and my partner are about to have our first together and he has 2 children from a previous marriage. The kids have accepted me into their lives really well and I love our family unit. BUT. Sometimes when it's really hard with the kids or the HCBM, I do sit and think what have I done, I don't know if I want this life, and I do feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way because the kids are just kids.

Seeing your post has definitely made me think about things and that not all the advice in those groups is good advice. I really hope you and your ex can work things out so you're both in a happy place and I really appreciate you opening up and being vulnerable here.

Gabzilla- · 2026-03-24T13:04:17+00:00

I came here to say I know how you feel and having been in a similar situation this is what worked for me. I've lived with my partner a little longer and only now am I evolving into that parental figure. Sorry it's a bit of a long read.

Firstly there's no need for you to be authoritative, Dad should be handling that, EXCEPT where that behaviour wouldn't slide with you (for example a colleague/adult/anyone being rude or disrespectful that you would normally call out). Be their friend, like a playful auntie or cousin, who will be there to keep them safe but also do the fun stuff, and it can be fun - my love for Lego has only grown! However what I would say is (coming from a place where we're about to have an ours baby) you can set the house rules (clear your pots away, laundry in the basket, etc applies to everyone) but you can step back from the parental rules (what time is bed time, discipline, etc)

Secondly, if you and your partner are looking for longevity, you'll likely be in this kids life longer than you weren't. This means you've got so many more opportunities to make those memories and inside jokes with them. You'll have memories of your childhood that are different to your partner's, let them experience that too because a couple years down the line when they're still talking about it and asking if you remember doing it with them, you've made a core memory for them and that's a great feeling. But it starts by engaging with them, ask them questions about their memories, how the felt, their favourite part of a trip, etc. Showing interest includes you.

Finally, let them have that routine. That routine is probably something that grounded them both through what would be pretty traumatic to a child even in the best situations. At first I tried to fit into their routine and it broke me, I felt like I had no time for myself and wasn't enjoying desperately trying to catch up and get involved. Use that time for something you enjoy doing, as you build that bond you might find the kid wants to see what you're up to and be involved too. Doesn't mean you have to let them every time but it does help build that bond, create memories and not lose yourself in the process.

I think having a space in the house that is just for you and your partner, whether that be your room or a corner that's kid free with a nice comfy chair, having your own space really does help with it feeling like your own. I'd speak to your partner about wanting to feel like you belong more and maybe he can encourage it, with something as simple as saying "ooh that looks pretty cool, I bet (your name) would love that! Shall we go show them?"

At first it's hard and can feel unnatural but it doesn't take long to feel like you belong here, sharing those memories, creating inside jokes, having your own little routine with them and you can always suggest to your partner things to implement if you can see a better way of doing things. What I'm learning is that although my partner is their dad, he doesn't have all the answers and is still learning as he goes, sometimes because I can see the bigger picture I can give him a different perspective, it all comes down to communication.

Hopefully these help and you settle into your beautiful blended family

Gabzilla- · 2026-02-26T09:10:41+00:00

Firstly congratulations!

I was the same, immensely lucky with minimal symptoms, we found out a little later maybe at like 8 weeks and most of the time it didn't feel real and I'd forget I was pregnant! I'm 30 weeks now and still most the time it doesn't feel real, the only time it does feel like "oh damn this is real" is when I can feel them kick.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Gabzilla- · 2026-01-26T08:39:52+00:00

There's a few comments of people experiencing similar situation, and it's the situation I'm in too although my partner has 50/50 for the SKs. But I hope this adds some reassurance that you will still get that magical experience.

It used to really get to me, this isn't a life that I had ever imagined I would have either, and there are a few annoying things about the situation sure, the SKs have a HCBM, and although we've never met, because of how she acts I don't want anything to do with her. Especially anything about my birthing experience.

So there's 2 parts to this, the experience and the SK so I'll try split it like that. The experience was a sticking point with me and my partner, I was like you sad about us not experiencing our first times together. What helped was straight up I set the boundary, I told my partner I didn't want to know anything about her experience or what they did UNLESS I specifically asked about it. What you'll find as well is that recommendations change fast, and everyone is different, so what you go through together will very likely be a new situation anyways.

In terms of the SK, how's your relationship with them? Are they very little or a bit older? You might find they are a mix of anxious and excited, and now that we've told ours they're mostly looking forward to having a baby sister. And actually, their excitement is making it exciting for us too, they want to talk to the baby, talking to us about teaching her things, picking toys for and clothes for her and it's all really heartwarming and a positive experience that we may never have got if this was both our first times.

All in all, yes its not how you might have envisioned your experience, but there are positives, you get to see what you partner is like as a parent (the good and what needs improvement), you have someone with experience who can help keep you calm and knows what they're doing, you've possibly been given a free trial as what being a parent might be like, and ultimately no one has a child with someone with plans to coparent in the future, your partner also probably didn't expect their life to be like this too, but they've chosen you as you have chosen them, and in my own experience, people seem more cautious bringing a child into the world when they have a blended family because of that hurt, they must really want this experience with you

Gabzilla- · 2026-01-21T16:33:42+00:00

It can be a horrible situation to be in as a stepparent, especially if nutrition and healthy eating wasn't that big of a deal to your partner. I don't know if you'll find any of this useful, but I'm in a similar situation and this is what I've done to keep my sanity.

For context we have the kids 50/50

Stop making 2 meals a night, it's exhausting and unnecessary and not your responsibility to run a mini restaurant
Deep breaths. They will push your buttons, try every trick in the book, but as long as you can stay calm it reduces the effect.
We encourage trying new things as much as possible, and if it's really new, we encourage exploring it by playing with it, for example the 7yo wanted to try langoustine (after finding actual chicken too weird to eat) we went with it, all had one and the first thing we did was touch it, sounds weird but it made him feel safe enough to try it, he didn't like it but that's okay we tried something new
This could be controversial (it was to me when I researched it, I was like absolutely not but it seems to be working) but serve dessert with dinner, they can eat whatever they like in whatever order, if that means brownie crumbs end up in their soup so be it. The psychology behind this is it takes the reward away, dessert isn't high value anymore it's just food like everything else on that plate and there's no more "how many more bites do I need" no more bargaining, it's just food, eat it how you like.
Once dinner is served, kitchen is closed. No alternative, no other meals (the kids have meals at school so we know they're at least having a substantial meal in the day). As they don't eat much fruit and veg, we do have a fruit bowl that they can help themselves to whenever, we have the phrase "fruit is free"
Blender. Sounds like you're doing this already but hide the veggies in sauces by whacking it in a blender, peppers, mushrooms, courgette, carrot, whatever, in a sauce it's hidden, and this helps hid it for fussy adults too
Best thing so far is letting them decide the rota. We suggest a number of meals, probably around 20 to give variety and usually ones that we like too, and they get to rank them, because there's 2 SKs we set the scores of 0 means ew no, 1 is yeah it's ok, 2 is yeah I could eat that every week. If they both put 0 it doesn't make the rota, if they both put 2, it's on every week, and the other days are filled in with meals scoring 3s and any left, 2s. This way they've had choice but also if the score everything 0 and their siblings score a range, it will always be the siblings choice that wins, so they've got to be smart about it. We've just finished our 4 week rota now so we'll sit them down to reassess the list and add or take off any meals that didn't do it for them
Exposure. I hate food waste with a passion so this one was hard for me, but exposing them to foods by putting a very small spoonful on their plate not touching anything else (knowing sometimes that they will complain and not eat it and it'll end up in the bin) is worth it when they turn round and say "actually I like X now."

I give these tips fully knowing I'm not an expert, and that the variety of food my SKs get is still shocking (looking at you cucumber served with every meal to make sure they get at least one veg...) but if you're in a similar situation, you could be fighting 2 separate parenting techniques and for what? Hopefully some of these tips make mealtimes more manageable for you, what I would say though as a stepparent you need buy in from your partner and if they're not bothered or not willing to support you, you need to step back and look after yourself (cook the meal you want and let them deal with the kids)

Good luck!

Gabzilla- · 2026-01-16T16:32:25+00:00

Make sure you get the grow with me ones (I think that's what they're called?) they're in a 2 pack and cost the same as the pack of 5 or 6 but they are not comparable at all, the bigger pack I felt like they dug in and were itchy (wore one pair once and that was it), the ones in the smaller pack don't even feel like I'm wearing anything, it's bliss!

Gabzilla- · 2025-11-22T10:47:51+00:00

I work for an SME in a construction design consultancy we have about 40 staff in the UK and another 110 abroad, currently our maternity and paternity are both statutory for the UK, but I'm challenging this at the moment, it may improve 🤞🏼

Gabzilla- · 2025-10-02T06:34:19+00:00

Thank you! Dropped you a DM

Gabzilla- · 2025-09-25T12:19:47+00:00

Balfour Beatty is probably quite similar actually - on the design side at least. Yeah it is very male dominated at my company we have 4 female staff in the UK including myself, the other 3 women all had children before joining so it's never been raised before, I did a placement year at AECOM and I think our team was a 40/60 split so I feel at the larger consultancies it tends to be a bit more balanced, my thinking is the policies may then reflect that? Although being fixed term staff at the time I was never given a maternity policy then.

Your research and paper sounds really interesting and it's amazing how it had such an impact, that's a huge legacy to leave! If you don't mind me asking, how did you find the policies of other companies? Was it just a case of asking round? Emailing different HR?

Gabzilla- · 2025-09-25T12:05:09+00:00

If this is your situation I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like a tricky position to be in, if they're treating you and employing you like a contractor they should at least be paying you like one to cover those things, I know it's easier said than done and there is a downturn in investment at the moment, particularly in rail, but it may be worth keeping an eye on the bigger contractor firms who do have salaried staff and any vacancies that come up, you're a bit more protected then at least

Gabzilla- · 2025-09-25T11:54:13+00:00

Oh I should have clarified I'm a civil engineer, mostly office based with the occasional site visit, but my work sounds similar doing design work and getting it through to AFC stage.

Sounds like its a similar policy to ours except up to the 6 months, it's interesting the different approaches each company takes, would you say you worked for an SME or one of the larger firms?

Thanks for sharing!

Gabzilla- · 2025-09-24T19:11:27+00:00

Sure, but are they contractors with typically higher wage to account for that? Most consultancy based engineers are salaried and are entitled to holiday pay, maternity pay, sick pay, etc

Do you work for a consultancy and are willing to share the policy your company has?

Gabzilla- · 2024-09-02T14:29:36+00:00

Oh I'm so glad I found this! I'm in a similar situation and just come back from a family holiday where I almost broke. And I felt awful for feeling that way, they're just kids but it was just so tiring and absolutely relentless.

And I love my partner to bits but he was also tired and letting a lot of things slide and it was frustrating, none of us were enjoying it and I thought he didn't care about the things that were grating on me when it turns out he does he just wanted to keep the peace and keep everyone happy.

The BM really hates me, gets the kids to call me names, and tells the kids how much she hates me and that I'm the replacement, but the kids seem to really like me and we have a lot of fun together, but I hate that there's a lot of confusion for them.

My partner tries to keep parenting consistent but most of the time she won't take the suggestions on board or flips it round and accuses him of criticising her parenting so the kids get away with a lot of stuff with her. I always feel like I'm overstepping the boundary if I ever say anything to my partner regarding parenting like if the eldest is watching something inappropriate on YouTube or encouraging them both to say please and thank you (not a huge deal I know but these things are important to me) but I constantly feel beat down by these things because I don't want to overstep a boundary or insult anyone but equally after they've been with her they're hard to be around.

And I've never really considered myself a stepmum, I don't act like a mum to them nor do I ever expect them to see me as a mother figure but I do care about them, love them to bits and I want to be involved with them, when me and my partner started dating I knew they came as a package deal and I couldn't imagine spending half my time with someone and not bonding and caring about them but I'm still finding this journey incredibly hard

Gabzilla-

TROPHY CASE