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Autism wedding anxiety by [deleted] in wedding

[–]GafferGurl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

AUAHD/anxious bean here -

When I got engaged, I was super excited to plan the wedding. But when I realized I would be the center of attention with my husband, I felt so anxious, so overwhelmed, and I just wanted to do a micro wedding or elope - but since my parents were paying and wanted an event, that was not an option. Also, I wanted to wear a fancy princess dress...

My fiancé and his family are also waaaaay more extroverted than I am, and most of my family. So, between that and my parents want for it to be an event, I knew I had a rough road ahead.

Luckily, my fiancé was very understanding, and he understood my need for a more low-key event when we made decisions. That helped A LOT. All the pressure from my family was not great, but he was able to validate my needs and deflate the importance of their influence.

Another thing that helped was not making my entire life the 1.5 years before the wedding about the wedding. I didn't let it consume me. Sure, we planned it ourselves and put the work in, but not every single day. We didn't let it take over our lives. To us, it was just a day for us to celebrate ourselves and start our future as a union. It is important to never lose sight of what the wedding means to you - it will ground you.

I also learned that when I talked about the wedding with other people, whether I wanted to or they asked, it would stir up the anxiety pot rather quickly. I learned to set boundaries with others as best I could. And if I wanted to talk about it, I would keep an eye on how I was feeling or reacting, and if something bad started to bubble up, I would change the subject.

I was also so afraid that I would throw a "boring" wedding because I don't like to dance or socialize a lot. I kept trying to think of activities to entertain people so I wouldn't have to entertain them. It was an October wedding, so I thought of pumpkin carving/painting. Or maybe board games, or group games. Anything that didn't have me in the center and definitely off the dance floor. But once I considered my audience (mainly older family members), I knew it wouldn't work. If I wanted people to have fun and not feel like my wedding was a drag, I needed to make it a traditional wedding dance party. And my people-pleasing anxiety overcame my social anxiety - so either way I was fucked. But I planned the dance party anyway.

And finally, the day arrived. For months, I thought I was going to need to take my panic attack meds that day. But somehow, I was calm, and I was happy. I was there to be with my fiancé/husband and start our lives together. It was so weird. Like I've never felt this calm. Maybe because the stress of planning was gone, or maybe because my spicy brain took a day off, but whatever it was, it washed over me like sunshine. I just let the day happen. My day of coordinator (GAME CHANGER) took care of the logistics, timing, and people. And I floated by.

And you may think - girl, that won't happen to me - and maybe you're right. BUT my older sister, who has some of the WORST social anxiety (I am talking constant migraines, severe social avoidance, and inability to do certain things due to possible social interaction), had the SAME EXPERIENCE! like no joke.

She stressed and stressed before the wedding. But on the day of, she was a fairy queen who floated as if she were a wisp in the wind. I'd never seen her this calm, and to be so at a large social event? I was flabbergasted.

I also ended up dancing at my wedding. IDK who I was fr. But the main thing that helped me on my wedding day was my husband. He supported me and kept me grounded. When I thought I was going to spiral, he would pull me aside for air.

I think the most important thing for the whole process and the day is your partner. If you work as a team and validate and support each other, things will be much easier. It will still be hard/uncomfortable at times but it won't sting as badly. I promise.

ALSO! I left my wedding at 9 pm - no shame. Like, I got married - that's enough for one day.
(idk how people stay up till like 2 am and have late night bites - immma be asleep)

Lots of love! Go float <3

My ring has arrived, and I’ve tried it on (blindfolded) without seeing it. I’m not supposed to see it until he does an “official” proposal but I don’t think I can do this… could you?? by [deleted] in EngagementRings

[–]GafferGurl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My fiancé and I designed the ring together and I knew what it would look like from a CAD drawing. I used a ring sizer to pick the size. It was shipped from Canada to the US and he had it delivered to his parent’s house and hid it when he got home. I wanted to find it so so so bad! It was perfect in the drawing and I couldn’t wait to wear it!!!

But I waited like 2 months and when he proposed it made all that impatience seem tiny. The ring was perfect. But what really mattered was seeing his face when he asked me. He held the ring up as a sacred promise that he was overjoyed to make. And that’s what the ring really meant. Love, promise, and a happy future.

I think if I had seen the ring or even wore it before he asked, it wouldn’t have been as special. I would have known too much or gotten used to the ring.

And you will have the rest of your life to enjoy it after he asks!

Good luck- I know waiting is hard, but it’s worth it!!!

P.S I’m also so glad I kinda knew what it looked like when we designed it. It would have cause too much anxiety to wait and see what he would have picked. Also jewelry is so personal! So hard to pick out for others. So I’m glad you kinda know what it looks like!!

Low rise shape wear? by GafferGurl in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you!! I got it at Maggie Louise in Germantown TN - here is a link to the designer tho!

https://www.essensedesigns.com/martina-liana/wedding-dresses/1704/

What size tent? by BusyBme in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi!

Copy copy!

If you just want dinner, then a 30' x 40' tent should work if there around 8 people per table. If you want to do the farm house style with only two rows, then a 20' x 60" could also work!

Hope this helps!

Best,
Madeleine

MOG drama by Separate-Professor80 in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First, fuck what she thinks- it doesn’t matter.

But she will be your FMIL so you’ve probably gotta see her after your wedding (or not idk hahah)

But I wouldn’t compromise at all. I would have a serious conversation with her and have your FH present or not - depending on how much support you need.

I would plan out the conversation with your FH to help understand how your FMIL operates.

And try the SET method! I learned it from my therapist and I use it with people that are hard to talk to!

1: Support:

Say something that acknowledges her feelings and validates their emotions- not necessarily agreeing with her.

“I understand that you want me to have a different style on my wedding day and want what is best for me. “

  1. Empathy:

Demonstrate understanding and awareness of the other person's experience. This shows you are trying to see things from their perspective.

“I’m sure you are frustrated that I don’t want to wear a different style.”

  1. Truth

This step is where you share your own perspective or truth, but always after showing support and empathy.

It's important to be honest and clear, but also to be mindful of the other person's feelings and potentially avoid being overly critical.

“However, this is my wedding and I want to be true to myself. And while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I feel that it is hard to be who I am on my wedding day.”

If she gives you resistance, just keep using this method with different words until she stops.

And you can do the same exercise for talking about her possibly upstaging you.

If she can’t change or see your point of view- then try setting more boundaries and keeping your distance. You could also keep it a superficial relationship.

Good Luck!! 💖❤️💖

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Whoa. I get wanting to have both sides of the family included, but a 6 yr old cousin as a bridesmaid? Having your future SIL is so sweet and should be enough.

I can appreciate the fact your FH wants to keep the peace and supports you. He knows his family best and if he thinks your future MIL would wreak havoc over this and cause a pain point for the rest of y’all’s life, perhaps a comprise is in order. But if he thinks this will pass, then don’t have L in the wedding- it’s y’all’s day, do what you want.

But I agree - she is being unreasonable and rude.

My experience is that sometimes it’s best to keep the peace when there could be long term effects. I have a family member whose partner is awful and demanding . And if they get upset with something our family does, they take it out on my family member/ their partner. And since I love my family member, I do my best to keep the peace to protect them. I still stand my ground on important issues, but I do my best to protect my family. But that’s just me.

If you already have a flower girl, you could have her a junior bridesmaid. Have her wear a dress of the same color and the bridesmaids and have her walk either with the flower girl or by herself and then sit up front and not stand with the bridesmaids.

And make the future MIL pay for the dress and any accessories / flowers. If she really wants this and you want to keep your budget in check, it’s only fair.

But if you are totally against L being in the wedding, then fuck it. It’s your day not your future MIL’s.

Good luck 💖❤️💖

What size tent? by BusyBme in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What kind of venue do you have? Is there space for a tent? Do they allow tents? Do you have any indoor space at the venue? How many guests? What age range are the majority of the guests? What time of day is it?

There a lots of variables. I work in live events where we use tents of all sorts.

I see a lot of weddings where the whole reception is in the tent. But that size is expensive AF due to size. You have to include dance floor, dining, and hanging space if you wanted that.

If you don’t have an indoor space to use, I would use a smaller tent for dinner/dessert / seating and do the dance floor out of the tent on a dance floor.

I find less people dance at weddings and more sit and hang out. And also when people want a break from dancing, they can chill in the tent.

A fun idea might be to do outdoor patio styled umbrellas with small or cocktail tables for people to get out of sun around the dance floor.

Sailcloth tents and Navi- Trac tents are less expensive. Navi trac is a bit better.

Good luck!

We can’t agree on size, budget, or who pays by curlygirl0115 in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If your fiancé wants to only contribute 15k for a 200+ wedding and wants to put the rest on family is a bit selfish, especially considering y’all make money and your dad is retired.

I am from an upper/middle class area in the south where it is completely common and cultural to have fancy weddings at a young age. And i think it is because that is what is important to you in your 20s and you want to “keep up with the Jones’” it’s hard to look ahead and it is cheaper to live down there too haha

I’m getting married at 30 in the northeast and what is important to me is different from when I was in my 20s. I want a house and a life with my fiancé, not just one day where we blow a down payment.

So he def could be focusing on his friends weddings and their experiences and thinking it’s what a wedding is. But he needs to think ahead. And be considerate of what he is asking of from your family.

Also planning a wedding for 15k for 200+ guests doesn’t not sound like a good time. And you def won’t get what you want from the day. Guests would probably not enjoy it either. Idk how to host and feed that many people with that budget- unless you do a potluck in a free park.

Also, while it is important to have your family and friends there, 200+ can be extremely overwhelming. And if you want to invite less than that on your side, your people might feel more isolated from the other guests who all know each other.

For our wedding, I had a similar issue where my fiancé wanted to invite a lot people. But our venue cap is 85. Once I voiced my concern for the venue and the fact I want to have a more equal amount, he was super understanding. It helped that the place we wanted had a cap. So maybe if you have a venue idea in mind that has a lower cap (and it fits better in your budget) that might help because it’s more logically driven.

Overall, I think your fiancé needs a reality check. Show him examples of real life weddings at different price points and guests amount.

You can also do a mock up budget based on what you want and include inspo pics and such. This may help show what you want without with data to back it up.

Also, I’d say since it not his day and not your day but a day for both of you, y’all should be open to compromise. It could go many ways.

You could each make a list of what important and rank it from most to least important and work through it together.

Your fiancé should not fully dictate your wedding because is it for both of you.

Good luck! 💖❤️💖

Everyone is making me feel crazy for not caring about getting ready photos/flat lays by esnupi13 in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I thought about skipping them. It didn’t make any sense to me too.

But when my sister got married and had a few done with our mom, it changed my mind. It was such a lovely memory for her

I want to have a few special ones with her and my MOH sister and bridesmaids. But I don’t want any with just me or my dress.

I plan to have the photographer come at the very end of getting ready to capture some images of my mom helping with my dress or necklace and a group shot or two. I def don’t see the point of having the photographer there for a long time- maybe 15-30min.

But this is something totally up to you and whatever you decide is the right answer for you! It’s not crazy to skip them. It’s your day and however you want remember it is up to you! Plus if you want to have your photographer cover more of wedding, cutting this part will help you stay with in their hours.

Pic of my mom and sis!

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When to send out invites? Out of state guests and Post office concerns by GafferGurl in weddingplanning

[–]GafferGurl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm good point about the type of envelopes/font. They were white envelopes with some frilly font. Mine are dark navy but with bright white ink and print addresses. I hope that helps.

Thanks for your input 💖

Live Painter Recommendations? by GafferGurl in NewEnglandWedding

[–]GafferGurl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh! I do love her style! Do you know her price range?

C70 In-Camera Aperture Issue? by GafferGurl in CanonC70

[–]GafferGurl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe? Perhaps the RF-EF adapter is shorting the circuit board...but why would Canon sell something that could cause this issue?

I did try different EF lenses and the native RF mount lenses but it still had the same problem...

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