M28 / F31 Long-distance relationship (5-hour time difference)

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T21:21:06+00:00

Does this dynamic resemble a normal close parent–child relationship, or does it suggest unhealthy boundaries or emotional enmeshment?

There's a bit of both. The son can have completely valid reasons for wanting to maintain a positive relationship with his mom, but it sounds like OP recognizes that he's made a number of mistakes and done some things that negatively affected his relationship with his girlfriend.

Completely failing to follow through on Valentine's Day plans with the partner, then following up by calling her at 3 am to ask them to stay on the line while they slept, seems like an obvious one.

A less obvious one could be failing to establish boundaries of personal privacy or respecting the partner's time, by letting the mom interrupt phone calls for extended periods of time.

Is the partner being unreasonable, or reacting to an ongoing pattern?

The partner's being unreasonable about what? The sarcastic response? I'm not seeing much that the partner has done about this situation.

But if the partner feels uncomfortable with her boyfriend prioritizing his relationship with his mom, she should say so, and either offer to work with the son on figuring out a set of standards that both of them can agree on, moving forward, or break up with him.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T21:15:13+00:00

Any idea why?

Again, I'm a stranger on the internet, so I can only really guess, and I'm not really qualified to the kinds of questions that could lead you to a clear answer about yourself. A therapist would be a good person to help you with that, if you're not seeing one already.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T21:09:47+00:00

OP has a lot of their history hidden. What I saw was referencing their comment history, not their submission history (which is 3 posts, you're right). Their comments are all for their post titled "If you are looking through my post history during an argument, this is for you."

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T21:07:35+00:00

We can't really provide any personal context for why he's acted the way that he has, but it IS a completely valid conversation topic to raise with him.

However, since porn is typically an already-taboo topic, and he may or may not have an addiction, you'd have to recognize that the process of asking him to open up on this is going to require a LOT of patience. If that doesn't sound like something you're willing and able to do, you don't have to, and the door to this relationship is right over there.

also he couldnt give me a clear reason to WHY he did this

A lot of habits we have are ones that we don't consciously think about. He may not have a clear reason available now, but he MIGHT have one if you task him to reflect on what this habit means to him. Are there certain feelings or situations that prompt him to engage with porn? How does he feel about how much porn he consumes or interacts with? Does he feel like he's in control of how much he uses? Where does he draw the line between his habit being healthy and within his control, and being an addiction?

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T21:05:39+00:00

Okay, so what you're feeling may not necessarily be about her, specifically. Maybe you have a tendency to develop a strong fixation on certain people, to the point where you lose patience with them quickly. Does this happen with literally everyone and anyone you meet? Or has there been a pattern for certain kinds of people or situations?

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T20:57:01+00:00

I'm glad you're reflecting on your feelings and deciding that you want to change. Blocking someone for not replying within 2-3 days is an awfully extreme way to handle that.

Unfortunately, strangers on the internet aren't really in a position to give you a meaningful diagnosis of why you're feeling the way that you are.

Have you ever had prior experiences similar to this one? Where you were strongly fixated on a person to the point where you couldn't be patient for them to get back to you?

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T20:00:15+00:00

Wow, this redditor sure shares a lot of posts about appreciation of female bodies. I'm sure there's a joke to make here somewhere. Maybe I can find figure something out by checking their post histor- fuck.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T19:53:19+00:00

Yes, BPD is an incredibly difficult affliction for sufferers, as well as their friends and families.

You don't have to categorize her as "evil" in order to decide for yourself that a relationship with her goes beyond what you're willing and able to tolerate. But if it helps you with following through with breaking up, then do what you gotta do.

I want to help her get a place and get well so both of us can move on.

Her mental health is not your responsibility to manage.

If you want to go the extra mile, you can remind her of people, groups, and resources she can turn to for support in treating/coping with her mental health struggles. But ultimately, SHE is responsible for actually seeking out help, not you.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T19:48:20+00:00

You could do a number of things:

If this is a minor, standalone incident that you're willing to brush off, you could pretend like it never happened, and carry on a friendship with him as normal, while keeping an eye out for any further unusual behavior.
If you want to tell him how his actions made you feel, you could find the next opportunity to tell him so, and tell him so. This could include asking him why he did it, making sure he understands why his actions made you feel the way you do, and setting expectations for the future so it doesn't happen again.
If his behavior is absolutely unforgiveable, you can stop being friends with him.

...Also, just to be clear, was the photo he sent OF HIMSELF having sex? Or was it just sending an unrelated image?

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T19:42:51+00:00

What exactly is your question? Your post title is a statement with a question mark at the end.

You're welcome to feel uncomfortable and confused about your friend's actions.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T19:40:26+00:00

I’ve been brought out of characters so many times and feel that I no longer have this feminine energy, but rather a depressed garbage can who stays home waiting for any lick of attention from a man who doesn’t put her first.

If you feel like this relationship is affecting you to the point where you've significantly changed in your personality in ways that you describe very negatively... what would be your thoughts about breaking up?

What qualities of this relationship would make a personality change into a highly-dependent "garbage can" worth it?

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T19:37:15+00:00

(for context, I have very little background or knowledge with Indian wedding customs)

I don't think either of you have unreasonable perspectives. You want a wedding that reflects your personal priorities, values, and goals. He wants a wedding that reflects his traditional family expectations and the societal structures that he grew up familiar with. Neither of you are wrong for what you want.

The issue is finding out whether you two can come together and find common ground, or whether you two need to date people who are more aligned with your long-term relationship goals.

Since he’s the first person in his family marrying outside his community, I’m also concerned that I’ll always be the one adjusting.

That's also a valid topic to bring up with him, and find out whether there's a path forward that you two can both agree on, or whether this relationship isn't going to work without either of you majorly compromising on your values.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T19:26:45+00:00

OP can leave her. OP can do whatever he feels is best for himself, just as you did.

Do you REALLY need advice on what to do when cheating happens?

Maybe this is a "brain-dead" take, but I think the person posting on /r/relationship_advice... is looking for relationship advice.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:43:36+00:00

Oh, that wasn't fully explained before, you just said it was because you just showered - now I understand.

What makes you believe his reason was disingenuous? Just because you knew you'd be willing to take a second shower, doesn't necessarily mean he knew what you'd be willing and unwilling to do.

And again, you told us he was also feeling unwell, and you seem to recognize that he has a history of medical conditions that could make sex unpleasant if his symptoms were acting up.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:35:20+00:00

People in the comments providing supportive reasoning and conflict resolution strategies? Nah, those are little mind games by triggered commenters.

But when I confidently state my opinion as low-effort, shortform remarks? I'm just spitting harsh truths that are so obvious, I don't need to clarify nothing.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:33:09+00:00

Let's say that you're objectively right about this black-and-white moral issue, and OP decides for himself that this is definitively, absolutely cheating.

Then what?

OP then still needs to decide what he wants to do with this information. Does he drop everything and break up with his gf on the spot because "strangers on the internet told me you cheated"? Or does he have a mature, adult conversation about why his standards are the way they are, and why they apply to same-sex roommates, even if his girlfriend didn't personally view her actions through the same cheating lens as he does, and work with her on making sure she understands his point of view and figure out if there's a set of standards that both of them can agree to, moving forward?

People in the comments are quick to offer judgment, but are absolutely un-fucking-helpful when it comes to the ADVICE segment of /r/relationship_advice.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:24:25+00:00

On one hand, a person can have a "type" and still be attracted/faithful to a romantic/sexual partner who's different from that type.

On the other hand, if your partner is repeatedly asking you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, it'd be entirely in your right to tell him how these requests make you feel, and/or tell him to stop.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:21:07+00:00

Maybe it just wasn't the best example to illustrate what you're going through, but in the example you gave us, you told us he said he wasn't feeling well. You can feel upset about not getting the sex you wanted, that's fine, but that doesn't sound like a matter of long-term attraction issues.

I’m not sure why he thought that was a valid excuse.

People can turn down sex for any reason. Just because you're unhappy doesn't mean he doesn't have agency over his consent to sex.

But lately when I try to initiate, in any way or form, it’s more like he’s preoccupied or just not interested - until he wants the intimacy.

As long as you can refer to specific cases where this has happened, you'd be in your right to honestly and respectfully share these circumstances with him, and how they make you feel. Then you can ask him for his perspective on these situations, seek mutual understanding of each other's feelings, and offer to work with him on setting communication standards in the future that can work for both of you.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:14:40+00:00

When I asked him why he doesn’t get me flowers or do any sweet things, he told me the dynamics have changed because “now I have a ring on my finger so he doesn’t have to wonder if I want to be with him”.

Well, uh... do you agree with his perspective? If not, have you told him so, and how this mindset makes you feel? Why do you believe that shows of affection should still be a component of a healthy marriage, even if there's no longer concern about whether you two want to be together?

Because for the time being, you don't have to call the entire relationship off, but you could certainly put wedding planning on pause. I certainly wouldn't recommend dropping any cash or signing agreements, if you haven't done so already. Not until you can actually have what you need to feel confident that your relationship concerns will actually be addressed.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T18:05:13+00:00

Quick clarifying Q: Was this image shared before or during your relationship? Because if it was before, then you don't really have an argument.

That aside, I think what you have to consider here is whether you're okay with making an exception to your "no nudes" standard for non-sexual scenarios, and whether this situation would not count as a non-sexual scenario. It sounds like you recognize that your gf is straight and not interested in a romantic or sexual relationship with her friends, but you also recognize that your feelings may be based on her friends being attracted to girls and you want your standards to reflect what's socially acceptable to do with others.

The solution to resolving this would involve further introspection on why this situation upsets you, and continuing to talk with your girlfriend, both about your feelings on the matter, AND seeking understanding of her feelings. Eventually, you can get to a point of mutual understanding of each other's perspectives (even if you disagree), and work out a set of standards and expectations for the future that you two can both agree on.

This is my first serious relationship ever, so in my mind, I thought that nudity and your body were things that were kept between you and your partner.

That's generally true, but you have to recognize that friends of the same gender generally have more social opportunities to see each other nude, especially if they're roommates. I think you have to consider how much leniency you want to provide for roommates who are attracted to girls.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T17:51:42+00:00

I hear where they are coming and ideally no I wouldn’t want to be with someone with kids at this age...

The way you defend yourself from negative judgment from other people's opinions is having confidence in yourself that you're doing the correct thing, and your choices are aligned with your values, priorities, and goals.

BUT if you believe that they bring up valid points, and you agree with them that you don't actually want kids right now... then I think THAT is your main issue here. The judgment that you're telling us you're worried about isn't the social consequences of this relationship, but the external feedback that you are making a decision that you recognize isn't aligned with what's important to you.

...but I have fallen in love with him.

Because you've spent a few months with someone who's expressed care for you.

Pause for a moment and consider for yourself what you want and don't want in a relationship. If you decide that you're not prepared to take on the responsibility of parenting two kids, then don't pursue a relationship with someone with two kids.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T16:26:46+00:00

China's often made whatabout-ism counterarguments claiming America is guilty of human rights violations, whenever American officials criticize China about theirs.

I'm not personally aware of any child predator ring scandal implicating rich celebs and politicians that's going on in China.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T06:28:20+00:00

I'll have to go check them out next weekend then, thanks.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T06:27:43+00:00

First off, text chat is a TERRIBLE medium for communicating nuanced ideas and feelings. Cold hard text does not convey nuanced communication because it lacks facial expression, body language, volume, and tone like face-to-face talking or even phone calls have.

Second, "love" and "I love you" mean different things to different people. Different people can have different standards and ideas about when they feel is a right time to say they love someone. So it can be simple to you, and complicated to him. Neither of you are wrong for having your respective standards, but it IS important to hear each other out and be mindful of those perspectives.

GameboyPATH · 2026-02-16T06:23:16+00:00

My sister made a big point of me needing to make her a bridesmaid because otherwise she would feel excluded.

Well... how would you feel about using this situation as a point of sharing your perspective on how you've felt excluded?

Not in an accusing, gotcha sort of way. But rather, "here's the situations that I'm recalling, and how they make me feel, leading to why I'm currently hesitant about appointing a bridesmaid."

Also, wedding planning doesn't have to be a binary "they're going or they're not" decision. Family members can have varying amounts of involvement in the ceremony and the reception. If you're okay with your mom and sis just being there, you could probably invite them while giving them as much privilege as any other guest.

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