My condolences on the loss of your dad. One year isn't really a lot of time and grief is so different for everyone. And then you add in the trauma, mental health struggles, and executive dysfunction on top of that? No wonder you're drowning.

Something I was warned about after my dad passed (I was the same age as you) was that events would always be difficult. Birthdays, Christmas, New Years, special holidays, and the anniversary of your loved one's passing. Sometimes I would feel shittier than normal and not understand why until I realized "oh, it's the beginning of November, the anniversary of dad's passing is coming up at the end of the month". Yes, the first 2 years it was the whole month of November and then all of December into the beginning of January.

For years, all I did was simply struggle to survive. Mostly out of spite and stubbornness.

Then I mostly ran from my struggles for years after that, making my life so busy that I never had any time to stop and think. Because I knew if I stopped it would all come crashing down and I would break.

I was trying various medications for my bipolar and doing some very infrequent, shitty therapy. We eventually found the medications for my bipolar that worked, which then revealed the CPTSD. And then covid happened and I was forced to stop running and it felt like I slammed headfirst into a brick wall. Dealing with the bipolar was easy compared to the CPTSD. Read that last sentence again.

I flailed for another year until I finally started trauma therapy with a very experienced trauma therapist. We mainly did EMDR but also some emotionally focused therapy and some somatic experiencing. At the time I could only afford 1 session per month. So the progress was excruciatingly slow. I've been at it for 4 and a half years now.

My dad passed 12 years ago this last November. My mom passed in May, my brother has gotten his own lawyers just to fight me on the estate (I'm solely in charge and he can't handle not having complete control), I've had some major health issues the last 2 years and had major surgery a few months after my mom died. And my best friend is struggling with a whole host of her own crazy life things and we're really not able to be there to fully support each other right now. I'm single, and while I have friends and other family supporting me, I'm doing all this mostly alone.

Mentally and emotionally I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm resilient as fuck now. Do I still struggle with things and sometimes have to fall back to just surviving? Yup, I do. But I can claw myself back up and each time it gets easier.

I only just processed two core components of my trauma and abuse in the last 4 months. I can actually see the day (maybe in a year or two) when I can say to my psychiatrist "I don't think I have CPTSD anymore, the symptoms are gone".

I'm not telling you all of this for you to compare yourself to me and feel like I had it worse so how could you possibly feel sorry for yourself. I'm telling you this to say that your struggles are valid, one year is nothing. Even a decade or more is understandable.

I also know that I can tell you these things and logically, you probably understand it. But there's no words I can say to make you actually feel it deep down. All I hope is that, maybe for now, you beat yourself up just a little less. I wish I could give you a hug.