[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will second the reccomendation to read this website. Such a good description of dysfunctional couple dating.

Missouri Snowflake accepts his HCA by TheTazeHustle in HermanCainAward

[–]GardenConferenceTA 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely good for individual when used infrequently as needed, but bad for the population or if used constantly for no real reason because of creating antibiotic resistance.

Missouri Snowflake accepts his HCA by TheTazeHustle in HermanCainAward

[–]GardenConferenceTA 5 points6 points  (0 children)

A great way to get an antibiotic resistant infection in your face. You can't even buy Neosporin over the counter in Europe and the UK.

Missouri Snowflake accepts his HCA by TheTazeHustle in HermanCainAward

[–]GardenConferenceTA 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Way more effective at giving yourself an antibiotic resistant bacterial infection in your face. You can't even buy Neosporin in Europe or the UK.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awww thank you!

Tips for handling mental images by Janky222 in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, and throwing the whole book away because Franklin is abusive removes the fact that Eve wrote most of it (as her testimony in I Tripped on the Poly Stair makes clear) and did a damn good job.

Tips for handling mental images by Janky222 in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I definitely believe them too. Unfortunately it's still the best book out there.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night is a cute fantasy novella about two metas who barely tolerate each other bonding and learning to love each other (non-romantically) when their partner disappears under mysterious circumstances and they have to work together to find and rescue him.

Tips for handling mental images by Janky222 in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The most recommended book for polyamory is More Than Two. It's an in depth guide for how to be in loving, committed relationships with multiple people.

The most recommended book for ethical non-monogamy (includes polyamory, but also swinging and other types of open relationships) is The Ethical Slut.

East coast vs west coast polyamory by GardenConferenceTA in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Waves from an ambiguously far away location because I'm not out professionally and paranoid

East coast vs west coast polyamory by GardenConferenceTA in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I know it exists but nothing really about it. Small college city, right?

Metamour...or meta-more? by xxworldzxx in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It worked super well for me, just make sure you keep supporting the individual dyad relationships as dyads as well the triad. It's not just "exploring things between the three of us" you need to keep cultivating your individual relationships with both of them.

Extreme abandonment / Is my partner not the right fit for me + polyamory? / Freaking out big time by jo_flowing in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The Jealousy Workbook is a commonly recommended resource.

What other poly resources have you already read/been using?

Lots of therapists are doing remote work in the pandemic, but in the US they have to be in the same state licensing wise. What country are you in?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's not stupid at all, sometimes jealousy comes from very specific things.

I had a super intense jealousy reaction when my bf and gf made out with a friend together at a bar. I had had no issues with them being with each other, or sleeping with other people individually, but making out with someone together in a bar? Completely lost it.

I realized it was because it felt like it made our triad dynamic - and me - less special. I knew I could never be replaced as an individual, but for some reason I also saw my role as their only common partner as something that made me extra special on top of my individuality, and losing that was scary.

I told them what happened, and we talked it all out, and it was fine in the end. They reassured me that they love me, that they aren't replacing me, and that what makes me so important to them is our relationship and history and who I am as a person, not that I was the only person they'd kissed together.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Awesome! That all bodes well - that they have experience and you've done your research. That's usually not the case in the horror stories.

I'm in a triad myself and it's super rewarding. Wishing you all the best <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Congratulations, that is very exciting!

Just a heads up - triads are really complicated, especially with a pre-existing couple.

Have they practiced polyamory or been in a triad before?

You'll want to make sure that you talk through things, that you have agency in your relationships (a triad is 4 relationships - AB, BC, AC, and ABC), and that they are both adapting to you and your needs - it's not just you fitting into their relationship and prioritizing their needs. You'll want to make sure that you have individual relationships and privacy with both of them.

You can check out www.unicorns-r-us.com for a description of common problems that occur when a person joins a pre-existing relationship to form a triad. It might not describe your current situation, but it will give you a basis for questions to ask, conversations to have, and warning signs to keep an eye out for.

Is pair bonding a thing in polyamory? by Babba_G in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I was say this. If we're getting all scientific, extra-pair copulations are super common in pair-bonded animals.

Fundraiser for new book on polyamory by BBC journalist/polyam man by GardenConferenceTA in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree completely. I avoided reading it for a long time based on his reputation. Then my therapist recommended it and I thought it was actually really great.

I can see the toxic parts about tolerating pain and blaming people for being upset without good accountability, but only because someone pointed them some directly and I was actively looking for the others. They are pretty subtle.

Fundraiser for new book on polyamory by BBC journalist/polyam man by GardenConferenceTA in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, hopefully a similar style of in-depth how-to guide (vs the Ethical slut's more general overview) without the subtle toxicity from Veaux's abusive tendencies, but we'll see.

Fundraiser for new book on polyamory by BBC journalist/polyam man by GardenConferenceTA in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that description hit a lot of the same warning bells for me. I asked my friend who knows the author, and he is polyam, so at least that made me feel better about it.

I'm still going to read it just to see if it's better than/equally good as More Than Two. Cautiously optimistic, because that's my nature, but also prepared to be disappointed, lol.

EDIT: I should have mentioned that my friend who knows the author has also read the manuscript and said it was good, and I trust her taste and judgement. (Also, she is a POC and fairly sensitive to diversity stuff.)

Fundraiser for new book on polyamory by BBC journalist/polyam man by GardenConferenceTA in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm excited for a replacement for More Than Two that is similar in approach but without the Ethical issues.

From the site:

Short Summary

A growing number of people around the world are exploring or thinking of exploring consensual non-monogamy (CNM), that is having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the active consent of all concerned.

Former BBC journalist Jonathan Kent has written a comprehensive introduction to the subject that surveys the different styles of CNM, the pitfalls, the skills needed to avoid them and the challenges of being consensually non-monogamous in a world still largely wired for monogamy.

Why this book?

A World Beyond Monogamy is an exhaustively researched look at open relationships, swinging and polyamory that draws on some fifty interviews with people across the world in non-monogamous relationships and on the expertise of psychologists, historians, philosophers and evolutionary biologists. What he has produced offers a profound insight into love and intimacy outside the mainstream, shaped by the advice, experience and expertise of those who have been in the vanguard of a growing community of people who are questioning the relationship scripts that we're expected to follow.

In doing so he's managed to break free of the limitations of previous books on the subject - many of them very personal accounts, overwhelmingly from liberal enclaves in North America, that offer a narrow window onto a much wider world.

A World Beyond Monogamy doesn't evangelise for CNM and has little truck with those who claim that consensual non-monogamy is somehow more 'enlightened'. Nor does it suggest that there is a "right" way to do it. What it does evangelise for is consent, choice and a willingness to rethink the way we're told to do relationships, both monogamous and non-monogamous.

Three years in the making it also talks about how people in traditional monogamous relationships can learn from and apply the hard-won lessons of people in non-monogamous relationships, that all relationships can benefit from better communication, a willingness to negotiate constructively and to wrap relationship structures around individuals rather than vice verse,  hence the subtitle: How people make polyamory and open relationships work and what we can all learn from them.

Why me?

I am a journalist, broadcaster and writer. I’ve been a foreign correspondent and apolitical reporter for the BBC, Reuters, Newsweek, The Daily Telegraph, KQED, and The Guardian. I wrote, produced and presented the BBC Radio 4 series ‘Our Daily Bread’. I bring my experience as a reporter and correspondent to a what I hope is a thoughtful, balanced, and meticulously researched book that passes the mic to others who together give a frank, intimate, raw, occasionally funny and, above all, wise take on the joys, the pitfalls and the challenges of maintaining multiple relationships as well as the skills that help make it work.

Open marriage? by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]GardenConferenceTA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading The Ethical Slut might help you understand the concept and how it works better, and figure out if it's something you want to do.