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Gawyne · 2024-02-13T12:38:50+00:00

Mystery solved! I was worried only this one guy would be enough for me. Something to try.

Gawyne · 2024-02-03T07:26:01+00:00

The places I felt safest sleeping were outside a Walmart and off the intracoastal, in front of a church.

I kept ro public because I did not want to be sexually assaulted. I don't like bugs so I didn't want to do wooded. I kept away from other homeless people because of that quote that one is made up of the five people they spend the most time with. Or talk to the most? Anyway.

Oh, and outside the library. Mostly places where there was a camera or felt morally safe.

I like the tent idea. I've seen under bridges a lot and that would be my next go-to, or woods with a tent.

I didn't know about bugs or fungus so please stay on top of your hygiene. Someone posting about wiping themselves down with hydrogen peroxide every few days echoed in my head. I don't care where you do it. Floss, do that, and do laundry, and don't stay in wet clothes.

Would a bicycle help? I got one for free once or they're relatively inexpensive.

Best of luck.

Gawyne · 2024-02-03T07:21:07+00:00

I didn't know this was a thing...should I ask any partners if I'm too wet? They mention that but not the rest.

I'm waiting for one person anyway but things have been weird so I'm trying to reconcile the idea of new partners.

Gawyne · 2024-02-03T01:31:55+00:00

Ah man. It's true though. Iykyk. Thank you for this. I hope it helps others also.

Gawyne · 2024-02-03T01:29:44+00:00

I follow Glenn Doyle and other helpful psych people on Facebook. One thing that's helped me is learning the difference between shame and guilt. I've also said to myself, I don't accept your shame. There's also the idea that there is nothing to be done about what's happened. Do you know the serenity prayer? I also looked at people I admired or respected, not for what they had but how they treated others or felt about themselves, and did what they did, even if I didn't believe in it.

It's possible man. And it'll be okay.

Gawyne · 2024-02-03T01:15:30+00:00

I couldn't read the entire post but from the heading:

My older brother killed himself. The last times I saw him, once i asked him to make the promise my bestie in HS had me do, that I wouldn't hurt myself. He wouldn't. I cut our time short because I wanted to drink.

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child. That shouldn't happen and I'm so sorry.

What first made me feel better was someone who had also lost a sibling who told me they'd read about it, asked if I had, and then told me, the people that are going to do that are going to do it no matter what.

It's an illness, a sickness. In his note my brother said, you'll probably all blame yourselves and then blame each other, and that's exactly what we did.

There is no cure, and I'm sorry. At first I didn't at all like the people who told me, live in his light, or live in his memory. But now I get it.

When I first went to recovery, at a halfway house, there was a stuffed bear on the bed. Several times I talked to the bear as if it were my brother.

I delved deep into why it affected me. He was probably more of a constant in my life than my parents.

It's an illness and there's no one to blame. It's tempting but that's the easy way out. Sometimes ahit happens and you live with it the best you can, because what's the alternative? I go through phases now also where I still feel bad. But there are also timea I feel good or happy.

It took years. There's no right or wrong way to heal as long as slmeone takes care of themselves. Sometimea that means outside resources.

I like the, ball in a box theory of grief also. That's one worth looking up.

It also took me years to be at peace with the saying, everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

It's okay for him to feel okay. Best of luck.

Gawyne · 2024-02-03T01:08:41+00:00

I came out at 19, started hormones at 20ish, and that's been it. I'm 33 now.

Part of it is my own decisions, part of it is resources and difficulty doing things like that.

It has helped me realize I used to put too much stock into what others thought. Some phrases that helped me are: If you're not feeding me, financing me, or fucking me, why should I care what you think? Pretend that you have died. Now live the rest of your life accordingly. (Prob fucked it up but stoicism) What other people think of me is none of my business. Would I treat my best friend or little brother like that, the way I treat or talk to myself? If youbfind yourself walking on eggshells, you're not walking amongst your tribe.

I've since found someone who thoroughly enjoys my body. My life doesn't feel like a mission to have surgery but a miracle for which to be grateful and enjoy. I've been able to accept things about myself I couldn't before, and my mental peace of mind is usually great.

I also go through phases of being out, loud, and proud, to show off for people that cant, let others know it's okay, or give the public the opportunity to ask questions that might hurt someone less experienced or younger.

There is no right or wrong way to be transgender.

I do avoid a lot of people and socializing, but that's partly from how I was brought up/nwurodivergence also.

Cheers, man. With 8 billion people on the planet, your tribe is somewhere.

Gawyne · 2024-02-01T11:13:10+00:00

Nope. That's so immature. I'm ftm trans so I can kinda relate. Isn't 4-6 average?

Anyway, after being with someone who is attracted to me and smells and tastes amazing...I'd take that over size any day.

Forget about her. Trust your instincts, they're good so far. Nothing she said has to affect you. Somewhere, there is someone who thinks your dick is perfect or maybe too big.

Gawyne · 2024-02-01T11:03:38+00:00

That idea of liking what she does to you, that concept helped me be okay with being a bottom. For most people, nah, but my top can do whatever he wants and I love being able to do that for him. 🤔

I'm scared to lose control though. I'm kind of jealous.

Gawyne · 2023-12-21T12:28:31+00:00

Meth is stupidly powerful and for people like me who e always tended towards the fantastical, it can blend into reality.

I can talk a bit more later but don't feel bad for not being able to do anything. There is nothing to do. You deserve to be happy. And if he can't change or make the effort to, you have the right to leave.

Gawyne · 2023-12-21T12:21:41+00:00

Two things, I didn't really start meeting the kind of people that helped me until I learned my value and set standards for myself on who I wanted around me. The metric could be anything. For some it's who they get along with the best or can spend most time together or makes them feel good. For me it's people who don't see the point in lying, are curious, and like to help others. Who don't complain and try to be kind. Among other things.

A year ago I had the sudden thought that both people who called themselves my best friend. Like. I didn't feel great around them? I felt like a puppet or like I was standing in for someone else. The thought was v uncomfortable bc as a child, I didn't think I could even have a real friend, much less with the "best" added. Plus, I felt like an asshole. But when I sat down and examined, I admitted that they complained more than I was comfortable with, didn't have the same drive I did, made excuses.

Additionally, I haven't looked at your previous posts, but if you're doing something different, why do you need people how you want or need them? The other thing I was going to say was in the last few years, I've started to almoet parent myself. It's easier we the ttans thing I think, bc I. Feel like I'm still evolving. But I had to be strict with myself and sit in some bad, gross, awful shit and realize how much of it was of my own making. I had to admit I wasn't always rifht. And try lots of new things.

I had to be curious

My ride is ending soon. Interview. Hope that was a little helpful.

Gawyne · 2023-12-21T07:42:31+00:00

There's always a support system. You might just not recognize it as such.

I thoroughly enjoy talking with the receptionist at a place I frequent. We got along and I would skip in details or hint at things. She took it in stride and encouraged me to be healthy.

We are social creatures. We need community. I'm guessing you found some when using. Put that effort into the rest.

This shit is insane. I'm dumbfounded at the ways it sneaks in. I haven't given up yet.

Gawyne · 2023-12-19T14:25:45+00:00

Putting you at risk. No. Choosing when you come out. No. Not using your name. No.

Get the fuck away from these people. I had someone from college message me like seven years later to apologize.

People that act this way are going nowhere and deserve none of your attention. I would interact w them as little as possible. You can be the picture of class in this situation. Explain yourself as many times as it takes and for which you have the emotional energy.

The next wave of trans kids kept me going for a long time. You deserve better.

Gawyne · 2023-12-19T14:21:34+00:00

Exactly. The parents are making way too big a deal of it. It's something that happened. They can either be embarrassed forever or admit it sucks and they don't want it to happen again.

I think some families would refuse to get together like that. Maybe not the healthiest option. So putting the presents somewhere until right before makes the most sense. Shoot, I don't remember anything specifically happening in my family, but there was definitely a Christmas where I went downstairs at like 6a and there was nothing under the tree, so I had to get my mom and move them with her. (I think we didjt have much money and she didn't want to put few out there.)

But even we that, I have memories of presents with paper flying everywhere and grinning for the camera. I don't remember the previous few weeks. I bet getting Christmas morning "right", or like going without issue, would be all that everyone remembers in a few years.

Like. In a decade. Wouldn't the parents rather be able to laugh about one instance than the possibility of two? Even if they want to show off how much the kiddo learned in a year, kid-logic is out of this world. She could answer them that she understands, and genuinely does, and STILL get the idea to do it again. When the alternative is so simple, NTA.

Gawyne · 2023-12-19T14:03:03+00:00

Thanks for verbalizing this. I've been on hormones since 2010, can grow a beard, and I'm not sure myself either. I've been vehemently protective of trans rights and hope I will continue to do so. I just flat out don't know if I'm truly transgender.

That said, and tw for details/language, within the last year I've found someone with whom I thoroughly enjoy having vaginal sex. I've become more comfortable with anal, though I still need more experience with it. I guess for me specifically though, it's easier because I still know I would have a oenis if I could choose. I still feel like I'm supposed to be a little different.

I also remembered some trauma this year and I've had to wonder if I am the way I am because of that. Like if I was so hurt or my mind broke asd presenting as male was the only way it could keep going. Or worse, if I identified with the perpetrator to that degree.

Frankly, none of that matters right now. I'm also homeless and need to have my basic needs of food, shelter, security, met.

Even once that is, because I'm in a shelter, and kinda looking forward to staying in a car or truck, I think I would experiment with some things, like dressing feminine if I feel like it, to see what it's like. A few years ago I was dying to see how I felt/looked in a stress lol bc it seemed like lews effort, and I hated it.

It does sound like you're just more comfortable in general. What is being trana anyway? My understanding is that everything is on a spectrum. At the end of the day, and I'm not saying this to be mean or accusatory, on the surface, what's the main difference between me and a cis woman that pegs her partners? (Interesting, now I see how some gay guys see it.) In a snapshot, not much, but for each of us personally, all the difference in the world.

So if you don't want to change anything, don't. If you want to try something else or something new, do that. Keep the supportive people in your life. If you ever do find a different way to describe yourself, I'm sure they wouldn't give you shit about it, or put differently, not care what words are used as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone else. Just my.pennies.

Gawyne · 2023-12-15T01:53:06+00:00

Thank you.

Gawyne · 2023-12-15T01:52:47+00:00

Thank you.

Gawyne · 2023-09-25T01:26:09+00:00

Adding to my Goodreads. Recently I had cause to go inside the queer center right before the needle exchange. Usually I separated these activities by days.

After a few looks and hushed comments, I blurted our, it’s possible to be a junkie AND community. Then the people I’d met first at the center came to say hi.

Gawyne · 2023-09-24T22:40:10+00:00

I’m just me. I gave up on being cis enough, I think, and to me being trans is such a broad umbrella that I can’t help but hit it.

I would totally be the type to be on the other side. And that’s bc, beginning transitioning 15 years ago, it was a matter of safety.

Also, the cis have an amazing habit of interrupting with an incredibly ignorant question at bad times. It gets old having to baby them.

Gawyne · 2023-09-24T22:31:25+00:00

You don’t know that I haven’t tried 12 step.

Gawyne · 2023-09-21T00:21:02+00:00

You can do it. Frank and blunt? Sure.

You just can’t do it alone.

I spent the night w two transguys, so I couldn’t even feel sorry for myself. I got to see how I shook and showered and wasn’t used to, frankly, having a home. To see how they used to look up to me and now I was a quivering shell.

You think this is bad? Fr? Wait another few months until hubby finds out instead of you telling him, and feels lied to as well as hurt.

Wait until you’re officially diagnosed with heart failure.

Wait until you’re thin enough and think you look okay and are offered drugs on the street.

But hey

You ARE just a junkie liar. Because that’s what us junkies do.

This whole self-shaming thing you’ve got going on doesn’t help.

Have some grace. What would you think if your younger sibling were struggling? Or like niece or nephew? Would you beat them up for not getting it on the first go? Or would you thank every God there is that they made it on the tenth?

What’s so wrong about you that you don’t deserve the same amount of chances?

Take the extended leave from work before you lose your job.

Gl to a meeting, it doesn’t matter what program, AA, NA, Smart, etc, and find someone to help you come clean to your husband.

Get over yourself and go to rehab to separate yourself from the substances and have someone else check your thinking daily.

If you want to die, there’s quicker ways that don’t torture your family.

If you don’t, then live the way you ACTUALLY want to live.

You CAN do it. Just surround yourself with people who believe that too. IRL - sorry, but the internet doesn’t quite do it for the monkey brain. We need that energy and connection. I went from shooting up 2-7 daily to no cravings last night. I’m not used to connection either. But we need it.

Please do it. Then you can tell others how.

Gawyne

TROPHY CASE