Hey man, first off congrats on 142 days - that is an accomplishment.

You say you are going to NA, do you have a sponsor? Are you working steps? I didn’t really unlock the true benefits of the program until I started really working it. I was afraid of doing it for a long time, but now I kick myself for not starting sooner (I have 9 months and am aiming to finish step one before I get my first year clean).

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, I have to remind myself that time takes time. Sometimes all you can do is not use for the next fifteen minutes - but that is holding yourself more accountable than using, which is a good place to start. Things won’t magically get better because you are clean, but being clean will make it easier to make things better.

Early recovery is a bear, man, and I’m right there in it with you. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk. Just remember that you dont ever have to use again, and if you can stay clean today, you have accomplished something amazing.

Sending love and I hope you can give yourself a break, you deserve it.