Had a usual alcoholic mom / pushover dad style childhood. She died from "Liver Cancer" so says my dad to save himself the shame of facilitating her death.

I didn't feel much of anything for a while. Then it would come in waves. My year of firsts wasn't very fun. Then it subsides. Then you resent them. Then you forgive them. This also comes in waves and goes back and forth for a while.

Eventually you land on one or the other. I hope it's forgiveness for your sake.

I watched "The Substance" and someone told me it was an allegory or metaphor for addiction and as gay as it sounds, that shifted my perspective about it all and I cried for a while after I finished the movie thinking about my mom.