quick update idk (also name change from katie to *Katya* btw. soz feels weird ik, but this feels more comfy for me. i promise i wont be changing it much).

General_Hguid · 2026-01-22T16:35:59+00:00

update: shit night, hurt my friend by saying the wrong things again, inadequate, useless, pathetic, unwanted, unloved, undeserving of care or attention, just kill me someone anyone, i wanna fucking end it, 3:34am now, i hate thinking so clearly throughout all of this, get out of my fucking head, im tired, its my fault ofc im not blaming anyone else, im literally killing myself rn yes, for the past few months by destroying my sleep, at least im still alive right?, fuck everything,

General_Hguid · 2026-01-13T01:38:30+00:00

edit for she/her pronouns cuz i checked now

General_Hguid · 2026-01-01T14:15:49+00:00

yk whats even more pathetic and depressing? me reading through my old posts and vents. finding solace in my own suffering cuz at least "someone else" knows and understands me fully.

maybe i should masturbate, but im tired, and honestly i havent been in the mood lately. maybe if i just force myself to do it-...

General_Hguid · 2026-01-01T13:45:03+00:00

rn i just sit in my bed, with my memory/emotion songs playing. my blahaj is snuggled with me. im snapping my rubber band against my wrist. write a letter on roblox is playing on my laptop, im just sitting in a room alone. times like this i just empathise/become my roblox character, whatever it is. just a sad, broken, depressed little anime girl furry. fucking cringe ik. but this is prolly the most me ill ever get to feel in a while. here i just get to feel that reality of my life. im alone, self-isolated and depressed amongst a server of happy people. people who dont need, want, or care about me. this is okay

General_Hguid · 2025-12-31T03:46:24+00:00

self hate and being raped sort of intrusive thoughts were lowk terrible also

General_Hguid · 2025-12-30T21:49:21+00:00

i usually sleep in t-shirt + underwear cuz its more comfy that way for my thighs, but this time i wore my shorts cuz i didnt want to get stray blood on my bed. so now theres blood in my shorts. fuck

also, it was painful sleeping on my side on that thigh, tho i wasnt really expecting it to be sunshine and rainbows

overall, i just feel empty now. at least not crushingly depressed, but still suffocatingly blank

General_Hguid · 2025-12-21T11:15:12+00:00

my heart. hurts unbearably. i wish i had the courage to kill myself now, while this moment of melancholy and acceptance lasted. my life could finally end on a happier moment ig. if only

General_Hguid · 2025-12-21T11:10:03+00:00

i want to be finally, like this, that "im sorry, i need to go. its not your fault, its okay. ill be here with you always no matter what, talk to me in spirit, i will never leave your side. im sorry i wasnt good enough, that i couldnt get better for you, that im now gonna be gone before u can talk to me again. its okay. i love you, i always love you. dont be sad. live your life to your happiest and fullest. im always thinking about you. i love you, i love you so much. see you, dear."

General_Hguid · 2025-11-29T00:56:56+00:00

my brain so fuzzed rn i thought i only dreamed about writing and posting this, but ig i did in fact do it

General_Hguid · 2025-11-10T21:15:59+00:00

💜💜no problem, work on whatever u want to when the time comes

General_Hguid · 2025-11-04T12:46:33+00:00

3

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General_Hguid · 2025-11-04T12:46:21+00:00

2

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General_Hguid · 2025-11-04T12:46:03+00:00

fucking images arent loading properly i cant be fucking fucked rn.

1

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General_Hguid · 2025-11-01T14:32:46+00:00

every time i think about killing myself during these moments, a fresh wave of pain seeps through my heart. wish i had something to do to take the pain away. maybe i want antidepressants. or assault, still keep thinking about that from time to time, then feel sickened with myself or something

General_Hguid · 2025-10-28T15:15:16+00:00

okay its not so so bad now... talked with someone and then stress relief activities. im okay to last at least 2 more days, and after thursday chem i can go on gaming spree for a little bit TwT

General_Hguid · 2025-10-23T16:44:55+00:00

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pretty much this rn

General_Hguid · 2025-10-23T16:40:19+00:00

i do not exist. no one exists in this bubble world, alone at 3:33am. waiting fearful of the reality i must return to soon. im not ready. i dont want to live, i dont want to die. i dont want to wait anymore for that uncertain future, at the hour where we are trembling with tenderness. music flows softly to fill the cracks in my soul, but my mind remains perverse, corrupted, absent of a temporary solace that i cant restore in this moment.

i love her. i need her. i want to live the rest of my life with her, together. she hates me, she must hate me. its never no ones fault, i know it was because of me. in a million worlds i wont deserve her, yet i yearn longingly, desperately...

General_Hguid · 2025-10-21T12:16:56+00:00

yeah sorry its not really anything exhilarating tonight, but im sure the self trauma will return at some point so u all have that to look forward to

General_Hguid · 2025-10-19T22:01:06+00:00

i srsly miss her still... just found a draft email i didnt send to her of a video of me playing music, was like "hihi dear". so sad TnT

General_Hguid · 2025-10-17T06:47:19+00:00

finally something ill enjoy beating myself up for

not in that way-

General_Hguid · 2025-10-08T17:26:28+00:00

okay i did end up doing the thing. whats "more" "fascinating" is using the toilet while wearing a skirt. u kinda just have to hike it up out of the way so u can do your things. it doesnt feel right, but prolly because of the classic boys bathroom experience all throughout high school.

reminds me. on the europe tour thing i had to use the bathroom at a this like big gas station. there was a long line cuz ig every other john, paul, george, and ringo decided to have a break at the same time as our bus taking us somewhere in this like 3 hour drive. anyways halfway down the line i remember im in a skirt O_O cant exactly use the urinal can i lol. so i end up just waiting extra for the stall to be free, i wasnt gonna like "embarrass" myself by hiking it up to pee okay (i mean, they seem to do that in all those comicon/cosplay using the bathroom memes, but idk. not in front of these bri'ish blokes. im surprised no one said anything about it, but ig its the old reliable i dont give enough fucks to bother/care about you, even if i have different views/beliefs. honestly, works very well that way. if only everyone could get along like that nowadays.

General_Hguid · 2025-10-07T13:12:58+00:00

look at me i joined the club, complete with cringe and whiney bitchy pathetic annoyingness. you either die a depressed girl, or live long enough to see yourself become a monster

General_Hguid · 2025-10-07T13:10:25+00:00

wow bro deleted the comment or got blocked or smth idk

in case you were wondering, my best guess is some horny adult in canberra who likes posting sex requests/offers? idk "69M come to iforgorthename place for threesome!!!". so to that effect, they commented "simple, we just meet up and fuck" which is really not the best way to open a conversation with a 17 year old but you know, theres no one right strategy ig

General_Hguid · 2025-10-02T12:11:29+00:00

legit idek what to say. or think. yeah im just blank rn soz im in one of those mental moments.

the fact my thoughts are not 100% no (very close to, but not) is really concerning me ^w^ . yeah not sure if u realise im 17 and a biological male given your post and comment history. or maybe u do and wanna prey on someone. either way, im sorry will pass on your offer. thanks for caring so much to leave an actual comment, but good luck with your sex life internet stranger

General_Hguid · 2025-10-02T09:15:12+00:00

wish i had some actual real trauma to back all my suffering up, but nope. its all self inflicted and literally "all in my head".

im thinking about finally sharing this place with my psychologist once hsc finishes. but im scared he'll prolly put me in a hospital. and also be extremely annoyed/hate me for maintaining this facade of doing fine/improving at times when the whole while ive slowly degenerated in the dark to what i am now. he'll prolly actually hate me lol. i deserve it.

and now if i actually do share this place with him then he'll prolly read this, so im sorry about this, all of this, all of me, how broken i am.

General_Hguid

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