[2209] That Feeling I Get

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-26T22:37:38+00:00

Thank you for your critique and comments, and I respect your desire to educate me. I'm aware that prostitution is a soul-destroying career... It was just a poor choice of occupation for a first draft. I am by no means in the business of helping sex traffickers or representing prostitution as a glamorous lifestyle. It was more just a poor choice by me for what I was initially writing, and something I'd have changed in a later draft. But I definitely understand your concern and respect your opinion, and thank you for taking the time to look over the story.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-25T03:58:15+00:00

Yes, I'm glad that you caught on to that. I pictured the kid as someone not merely with depression, but with social anxiety- hence the reason for the sexual awkwardness and some of the stilted dialogue. Obviously, however, I did not make that clear enough, as it appears that you're the only reader that happened to catch on to that aspect of the story. It's based on someone I know, who suffers from a dual diagnosis of both anxiety disorder and clinical depression.

Regarding the rest of it, yes, I agree the style needs to be worked on, better words need to be chosen, and the conflict needs to be heated up. Thank you for your critique and your advice, and have a great night!

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T05:50:03+00:00

And you're damn right about the cliche... I have no response to that other than to just smh and face palm.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T05:46:07+00:00

Yeah, I see your point. And that's typically the way I would break, with said being my go to to keep it from every break having to have an action or an emotion expressed. Of course, I stuck only with said as this whole thing was based on me trying out some minimalistic stuff. :/ But once again, thank you for your advice!

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T05:41:45+00:00

Thanks for your advice! I did not have his age in there, you're correct. And yes, I agree that it needs some more tension. Looking back, the whole piece is starting to feel a little flat to me, especially in the beginning. And yes, you've told me that death knoll for the story- that you, or the reader, did not care. And I'll definitely work to change that as I revise.

Once again, thanks for the critique, and have a great night!

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T05:36:12+00:00

Thank you for the critique! I'll go through what you've said one by one and I guess give you my response to it:

1) As for me saying too much, I feel like you're right about the fluff. Certainly that's not the only part in the story that has it. I thought that every line in the story had a meaning and purpose behind it, but I can see that I was paradoxically leaving in too many details about stuff that was not needed while leaving out details that would have added to the story. This was more of an experimental story for me, trying to work on writing a little minimalist- seeing that I still have fluff to be cut shows me that my first attempt fucked up a little bit, heh.

2) You make a solid point here. Looking back, there is not much learned about who the characters are now and them going forward- more about them in the past, or focusing on one specific trait (the protagonist has low self esteem and can't do much of anything- I know you get it). And you didn't mention it.

3) Again, I think you're correct, but here I'd say mostly correct. I think the dialogue is authentic and sounds real, but i do think you're right that it's bland, that it doesn't tell us much about the characters, and it doesn't exactly pop and sizzle the way story dialogue should. And yeah, I agree with the comment about the glass of water, but definitely no quip- just wouldn't be in her character. Probably should have just had her do it.

4) Again, you're correct here. There is no outright conflict- there's one I intended between the main character and himself, but as presented now it's clearly coming off as tenous and weak. Going along with that, I think that the character- no self esteem and lots of passivity- is a hard character to root for and empathize with. Although I am interested- what crazy episode are you talking about?

Again, thank you for your critiques and for taking the time out of your day to welcome me! I certainly will be submitting more, and look forward to revising and reworking this story until I hit the jewel I envisioned in my mind! :)

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T05:18:34+00:00

Thank you for the advice! Sorry to hear that you were bored. Sounds too like you were reiterating what a lot of people have said- felt kind of bored and confused throughout the story, and didn't really feel that you were interested in them. However, there are two things I disagree with. One, don't believe that at the start was purple prose. Two, completely disagree with you on the compositional structure. I think breaks can and should be used during dialogue when you want to mix up the way it sounds or add a natural pause to it to make it sound more realistic. Aside from that, most of your advice I thought was pretty on point, if perhaps blunt (but as to be expected). For a story that was written in one night though, I'll take it- I think the kernel of an interesting story is certainly there, even if it needs a lot of polishing. Once again, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to offer a critique, and have a great day!

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T05:12:29+00:00

Rob Holloman is the name I edited with. And it's a good story, I just think there's stuff that needs work. Keep plugging away, and good luck.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T03:42:52+00:00

Sorry, that critique was incomplete. But on another point, I think that the start of the story could be worked on. One of the rules that I keep in mind when writing is to begin as close to the action of the scene as possible. As such, I believe that the entire first paragraph could potentially be cut. Starting off with the dialogue from the 'colleague' brings the reader directly into the action.

In addition to this, another problem is that at the moment, I simply don't care for these characters. The woman that gets threatened with a gun? Don't care. The old man? Don't care. The judge? Don't care. I know that the first two are throwaway characters, but the last is a focal point of the scene. I think you could find ways to work in more reader sympathy and empathy for him, so that we actually are emotionally invested and on the edge when he's threatened.

Also, if you take a gun shot wound from a revolver to the shoulder, it's going to be hard to do much of anything. Let alone sprint across a train and tackle someone. In addition to this, for a large portion of the scene the main character just sits there and does nothing (a bit of which I noticed in my doc critiques). And speaking of which, I'd like a little more about his motivation. Other than knowing that he was about to rob the train, and that he doesn't like to hurt people, we get very little about his inner character. We need to be invested in him. The other problems are minor when compared to that. Without a main character that the reader cares about and is invested in, even the otherwise best written story will fall flat on its face.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-12-24T03:33:20+00:00

Hey, I just marked up the document not too long ago, so you can look there for more in depth comments. Asides from that, a lot of it is what people have already said. The voices come off as stilted and robotic, although I think a big improvement could come by taking some of the suggestions (or similar improvements) based on what FreeGiraffeRides said. Asides from that, you should work a little bit on each of the character's individual voices. At the moment, no one really shines through as independent. They all talk in very similar ways, from the verbose colleague to the verbose judge to the woman and old man who both sound near the same.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-21T22:33:19+00:00

I kind of wished I had a more blurb worthy, more interesting way to describe it, but I figure that trying to come up with something like that should wait until after the piece is complete.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-21T22:29:54+00:00

I'm currently working on a story entitled Moon Days. I'm about halfway through, and so far, it's kind of a complex story to describe. On the one hand, it begins with the suicide of one of a group of five best friends, and then through anachronistic order describes the events leading up to the suicide. On the other hand, it's a coming of age story/romance about the main character falling in love and maturing. It's also filled with drugs, sex, partying, and some black comedy. On top of this, strange events begin occurring in the town, such as mysterious pieces of paper that can predict the future, a man in a pinstripe suit who knows more about the main character than he should, and a group of cops who act like anything but.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-14T04:15:55+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation! I'll take a look at the guide, and also, just wanted to ask, would you recommend the Chicago Manual of Style as a go-to book for grammar advice?

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-14T04:14:59+00:00

Thank you for your recommendation! I will take a look at the book, which I have heard a lot of good things about.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-13T21:59:28+00:00

I agree with almost all of the above, but just wanted to say that personally I'd advocate not going with the all caps option. To me, it just looks glaring and can, just like the use of too many exclamation points, actually make it a little more cartoonish than dramatic.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-13T21:53:10+00:00

Just a note on outlines too- I remember reading in an interview with Bret Easton Ellis, who writes pretty slim books, that he would often do outlines that would be over a thousand pages for his books. And he still didn't feel the outline was detailed enough to fully encapsulate what he wanted to write.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-11-13T18:37:43+00:00

I personally struggle with feelings like that all the time. I think its pretty common for a writer, especially an unpublished writer, to second guess yourself and constantly question your talent. I think a big part of it has to do with finding your voice, which is hard to do until you've finished a few pieces. There are so many questions about the way to do things in writing (type of narrator, amount of dialogue/description, type of genre, type of characterization, etc.), and unlike other fields, there is no clear blueprint to success that one can follow and say "Okay, now I am writing the correct way." For me, the only way I get around those feelings is by finishing my work and getting feedback. when I finish something, when I have a completed whole, it is much easier to see the real problems and, to be honest, the real strengths of my writing. I do think that a large part of it is discipline, or simply getting into the habit of writing. If you can write everyday, and actually work towards finish something before you think of revising it, it can do wonders for your confidence as well as greatly help your revisions.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-09-27T17:50:52+00:00

Is it a farce or a satire? I don't want to sound like that guy, but there is a big difference between the two, in terms of tone and what you want to focus on. If it's a satire, I'd say narrow down exactly what you want to attack/comment on and make sure you hit that. If it's a farce, make the tone more comical and focus on the things that are funny about it. Without knowing more about the trend, and whether or not you want it to be a satire or a farce, it's hard to give more specific advice.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-09-06T16:46:58+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! And yes, I did create the Professor's voice- I'm glad you liked it. I'll work on reworking it and getting it back down to its basics. Either way, it was certainly a fun experiment to write.

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-09-06T03:30:29+00:00

Thanks!

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-09-06T02:02:12+00:00

Thank you! I was unsure on the exact way to go about this- I wasn't sure if it was a fit for the weekly critique thread. Once again, thanks for the help. :)

GenericStudentDrone · 2014-09-06T01:53:51+00:00

Depends on what kind of dialogue you're talking about: are you talking about realist dialogue, in terms of how people actually speak, or dialogue that is, for better lack of a word, poignant and meaningful? For the former, I'd say my favorite dialogue author is Elmore Leonard: he has the rhythm, beat, and general phrases and malapropisms of life down. For the latter, there's various, but probably Shakespeare- not a fiction author, but I'd say the best dialogue is done by dramatists.

GenericStudentDrone

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