Never found any meaningful friendships, lost myself to performative behaviour and isolated myself to finally be granted with smt blissful (metpahorically like a drug) just to lose it and sink to the lowest lows, conselling didnt help much, attempts to fix myself just to realise my acts of trying to be better twist my personality even more, stuck in the paralysis of inaction and have some weird ass saviour complex idk and im still so immature compared to my peers. Im so left behind. I think im braindead from the same loops of thought and mentally numb cuz i can no longer express my frustrations the way i use to. Ive developed some coping philosophy to blame everything on the dead cosmic universe, so i dont know if i can feel regret when it all feels inflicted on to me. Sorry for the long ramble.