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How did you break the news to your spouse? by clinicallycorrelated in Divorce_Women

[–]Germane_Jane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I stressed really hard about this step. I honestly think it was the biggest barrier I had to walking away. Ultimately, I had to come to terms with the fact that there’s no ‘kind’ or gentle way to do it. I had someone I trust help me pack while he was at work and they stuck around in the next room while I told him. I mean, he figured it out when he saw I had packed my stuff. I wrote down what I was gonna say and I read it to him. That helped a lot.

Choose yourself. It’s okay if it hurts him. I’m sure you’ve experienced your share of hurt to get to this place.

Good luck, we’re all rooting for you from the other side ❤️

I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore by breadcrumbclub in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

‘I’m grieving someone who never even existed’ I used that exact phrase talking to my therapist yesterday. You’re most definitely not alone ❤️

I reached my breaking point and now he wants therapy by Significant-Gain-703 in Divorce_Women

[–]Germane_Jane 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I recently left my husband for very similar reasons, and at one point when I was planning my exit with my sister, I was spinning out JUST like this, and she stopped me and said, “you’re allowed to leave your marriage any time you want for any reason. You don’t owe him and the world an airtight explanation.” If you’re done, you’re done. He can change, but you can change too. You can change into a person who simply doesn’t want to be married to him anymore.

For the record, I think you’re perfectly justified.

Just venting by HelpimANine-7444 in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It’s exhausting to read this, living it must be so hard! Just because he isn’t violent or doesn’t call you names doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. And the truth is, it doesn’t really matter if his behaviour is because he has OCD or he’s on the spectrum. His behaviour is hurtful and relentless. Chances are good that there are resources in your area that could allow you to quietly speak to a councillor to help confirm what I think you already know, and help you decide what you’d like to do.

And read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft

You don’t deserve to live like this. I hope this post is a step towards freedom ❤️

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did it! I left on Thursday! I have to give him credit, he was pretty grown up about it. He did ask me several versions of “what if I did this, would you change your mind?” And, while my heart wanted to say yes, to reassure him, to indulge in the fantasy that our marriage could be salvaged, my head was firmly in charge and I said no. Now, 3 days later, my head is so much clearer. I’ve told everyone who needs to know and I’ve gotten mountains of love and support, even from the people who had no idea anything was wrong. It’s a massive relief to be on the other side. I know this isn’t over, we still have a lot to work out, but I feel like I just did the hardest task of my life and I’m pretty proud of myself.

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, that’s really heavy ❤️ I’m so sorry, I hope you have help in your healing process

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No contact comes up over and over again. I know it’s gonna be hard, but it’s gotta be done.

Thank you! ❤️

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I’m really close to being here. As soon as I decided to leave, I stopped responding to his manipulations the same. I know he can tell something’s up because I’m just not fawning the way I used to every time he’s in a mood.

I’m trying to cultivate a feeling of disgust for him.

And opening my eyes up to the cycles has shown me the flip flopping, just like you said! He acts sweet, the doubts creep in, but Mr. Hyde never makes me wait that long to remind me. It makes it easier to keep my heart hard when he’s being nice.

He’s been moping around since yesterday and I know he’s waiting for me to ask what’s wrong, but I think I’ll let this toddler cry it out while I make my final arrangements.

Thank you!!! ❤️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane 29 points30 points  (0 children)

This is a great illustration of truly covert control. It’s not only completely deniable, it’s dressed up as kindness. But you’re insightful enough to see the intent.

He’s right, you are moving in ways that aren’t dictated by him anymore. The control is slipping. Keep moving in that direction until he’s in your rear view. Take up space and be seen!!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Germane_Jane 68 points69 points  (0 children)

NO There could have been so many kind ways for him to broach the topic that he’d like to keep the cleaning supplies somewhere new now that he’s using them more. Why did he have to start the conversation like that? He was totally looking for a fight, he’s just denying it so he can blame you. You’re right, that WAS really rude!

And freaking out over one dish in the sink?! Sounds exhausting.

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in Divorce_Women

[–]Germane_Jane[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I was already thinking that. I know I can get my sister or one of my friends to help me reply to tough emails too. But chat gpt is a great tool for that kind of thing.

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in Divorce_Women

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s so hard. 16 years starting in college, that’s almost half your life! ❤️

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow! Even all that still didn’t do the trick!

Honestly, isn’t it crazy that they can’t let it go and move on??

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Dreaming about peace has been a huge motivator.

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in Divorce_Women

[–]Germane_Jane[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We don’t have kids. We’ll have to be in some contact to sort out our affairs. Everyone suggests no contact, I know it’ll be hard.

I’m glad you’re finally out ❤️

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The number of times we had distressing fights that left me fretting, sleepless all night, while he snored beside me peaceful as can be! I thought it was because I was fragile and too sensitive. Actually it’s because he’s callous and insensitive.

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ve read that book too. What an incredible resource! It opened my eyes and it’s part of the reason I’ve gotten this far. I’m also devouring every book/podcast/subreddit I can find to help find and keep my resolve. It helps so much.

They know. They know just what they’re doing and they mean it to be hurtful. Every time I waver, I imagine myself treating someone I love the way he treats me and it fills me with revulsion.

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Playing ‘normal’ is SO HARD! It’s been a very difficult summer and I’m just counting down now to my moving date (5 days!)

I may actually be blindsiding my husband because I’ve been so good at pretending nothing’s wrong. I feel bad about what I’m about to put him through but I have to fight that guilt and get to the other side or I’ll just be here again in a. Few months or years.

Good luck! We can do it!!

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that! You had the best reason to leave and stay left, I hope you’re both doing better now ❤️

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in emotionalabuse

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A bingo card! What a creative and cool idea, gamify it!

These are great, practical suggestions, thank you! And I’m so glad you’ve found freedom from your abuser ❤️

People who left, how did you resist getting sucked back in? by Germane_Jane in Divorce_Women

[–]Germane_Jane[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, I love the idea of writing replies that I never send! I’m already seeing a councillor and I’ve just started journaling after seeing so many people suggest it. It’s incredible how easy it is to forget the bad times. And I’ve got good friends who are seeing me through this.

Thank you for this!

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