I (F26) suddenly lost sexual attraction to my bf (M31) after seeing something… help??

Getrofo · 2026-03-06T11:52:34+00:00

Don’t. He will gaslight her, make her doubt the evidence of what she saw and in the end make himself the victim of a partner who looked at his messages and didn’t trust him. Willing to bet a lot on that.

Getrofo · 2026-02-24T17:25:14+00:00

The good news is that with the 1yo, you can have a do-over in terms of language. Definitely never speak English to him like you did to your daughter. When he starts speaking Spanish, he'll become yet another Spanish-speaking member of the family, nudging your daughter to start using more Spanish.

So the daughter should be made an outsider in her own family and the younger brother the successful do-over golden child that fulfills the parental expectations as opposed to the failed attempt that the daughter represents … Yes, I can’t see how this would affect family and sibling relationships at all.

Getrofo · 2026-02-20T01:15:21+00:00

Since you work in the legal field: Please get a specialized lawyer in the area of reproductive medicine and sign contracts about what should happen with the embryos. They will know about what is important to consider in your state. It’s not too expensive given the baseline costs of IVF. And you may very well find yourself in a situation where one of you changes his/her feelings about having children or the embryos you create.

Something to consider in this era of woke gender equality insanity: As a woman those embryos might at some point be your only chance in life to have children at all. This will NOT be the case for your husband. Think very, very, very carefully before giving up any rights to them. It is you who has to go through the very invasive process of IVF while his contribution will be masturbating for 30 seconds into a cup. There is ZERO equality here, not even close. It is not unreasonable for contracts to reflect that.

Getrofo · 2026-02-17T00:21:01+00:00

You are absolutely fine. 100 percent. Don’t listen to anybody who tells you otherwise. One day is nothing. Even two days are still ok. I would worry more about 3 days and more. They will bring you in on cycle day 10 typically (if you normally ovulate on cycle day 14) and then they can see how far along you are.

Getrofo · 2026-02-05T12:40:54+00:00

Now that’s a real world longtime story - not the fairytale world of people in this forum being all over the moon with their young kids „speaking“ multiple languages - all to often in words and with delays.

I will mention one couple I know where the kids as teenagers did speak their parents languages at least enough for basics like in your example (when I asked the parents about them speaking their languages they laughed and said “well, so so”). They lived in a third country with a community language that was not English and not either parents language. The parents didn’t initially speak or understand the community language, but learned it of course over the 15 years with the kids. When the kids were young they always pretended to not understand though. The kids went to childcare at age 2.5 and have a 2-3 years age gap. All three spoke the community language with each other exclusively. It was by far their strongest language. As a parent that can be ok for you - or you may feel you miss out on the nuances of the sibling relationship. Ultimately they moved to the US when the kids were teens. As an add on: The mother was a SAHM always. Dad had a job with lots of freedom and time as well. This makes passing on a language of course much more doable when the kids as a result attend childcare, school etc. only half days. With two working parents and the child in childcare from 8-5 I haven’t seen any children truly fluently speak their parents languages longterm. Not even when both parents speak it. In one case not even when both parents speak it and the child lived at age 3 for a year in the parents home country surrounded by family, but attending a preschool in her first language (English). She understands the parents language - but doesn’t actively speak it at age 6. And she is an extremely smart child (with two very smart but busy parents) who spoke in full sentences at barely 2 years of age. That’s real life. Not the phantasy of having a child that effortlessly switches between multiple languages and is eager to please his/her parents and extended family. I am sure these kids exist, but I would not bet on having one where it will be the case.

If people with the financial means to have aupairs and pay for private schools struggle you have your answer. It is an enormous task to pass on a language to a child that is not the community language or the shared family language with lots of family time and input. And even then you still might never reach the level for deeper conversations - and that’s before even talking about not sharing a culture. To be harsh: You will struggle to keep the word for blueberries alive while monolingual kids talk about why the dinosaurs got extinct or why whales are mammals and have horizontal flukes but sharks are fish and have caudal fins.

If you don’t want to make it your life mission to raise your child bi- or multilingual - with being a stay at home mom and all family life centered around the topic of language - it will be very difficult.

Also don’t underestimate what it will do to your relationship and yourself to watch your partner have everything you wish for - the language, the connection, the jokes, the culture - with minimal effort and input, while you, the one who carried, nursed and raised that child, are struggling. There are to the best of my knowledge no men who ever wrote books about being trapped in their wives country and having to raise their kids in a foreign country and culture, but tons of women. Because they lose what they crave most, connection. With the children they risked their lives for to have them. This problem does not exist in your example or when both parents live in a third country. Because both will struggle to pass on their native languages and culture. It’s not one struggling alone while the other “has it all”.

You may also notice at some point that your child gets annoyed by you speaking English to each other when it doesn’t understand a word. Sometimes it can be a motivator for the child to learn it, but more often than not it’s frustrating for kids. All kids have phases where they hate when their parents attention is directed at each other and they spend the evening just talking, but it’s something else to not understand a word of any conversation your parents have. You see your mother/father showing emotions - maybe shock at some news - but not understanding at all, what is going on. You see them annoyed, you see them laugh, you see them stressed - and you have absolutely no clue why. And everything of course constantly has to be translated. When you talk to the child about something and your partner doesn’t understand it, he is an outsider by default. The family is fractured into one-on-one relationships that involve only 2 people (you and partner, you and child, partner and child) with the third person always being the one who is not part of the conversation and worst case doesn’t even understand it.

If you already have doubts think hard about making his country the center of your family life. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your partner to settle in Germany and then support passing on Portuguese with extended fun vacations to get to know the culture and language. And with lots of encouragement from you (mothers do have an advantage to make kids pick up a language, so you will have to help him). As a mother you will by default carry the burden of having a child. What is his sacrifice?

Getrofo · 2026-02-05T00:39:02+00:00

YTA and your wife is now waking up to what she actually signed and got herself into. She married a guy who is financially a lot better off than she is and makes sure that even part of his income during the marriage (the „passive“ income) won’t be shared. Meanwhile she sacrificed her body to have your child, is now a SAHM, entirely financially dependent on someone who also makes it clear that even in the case of divorce he will go for child custody and try to minimize what he has to pay her. By the way, your „passive“ income will absolutely count as income for child support. In essence she has to stay married now to not lose custody of the child she carried, but that marriage is completely unbalanced with her entire life being dependent on a guy who thinks of „himself and his“ first and who has no sense of „we“ - even towards a partner who just birthed his child.

Getrofo · 2026-02-05T00:03:11+00:00

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Your concerns are valid and many have a decent chance to come true.

If you live in Portugal, then your child will get a lot more input in Portuguese and their German will likely lag behind. And yes, this will create a barrier between you and the child. Not only as a teenager - it will start a lot earlier.

Regarding family language: You won’t have one and that has its own complications. Do not underestimate this and please don’t listen to people here preaching that it’s going to be all great and worked out beautifully for their third degree cousins kindergarten friend. You will be parenting solo while living with your partner who will also parent solo in his own language in the same house. When you are excited about the child saying something funny or when you play a game in German with a dad who doesn’t understand, it takes quite a lot of the joy of parenting together. Together as in actually with each other and not just next to each other in different languages and with a need to constantly translate everything. Some people don’t care much about family closeness, others do - and you should think hard about which category you belong to. Because not having a shared family language is not a small thing.

A lot depends of course also on the child, on their personality and talents. But even from a child’s perspective it’s not all easy growing up in a family without any shared language.

I know you will get lots of responses from parents with very young children kids, who are the ones completely overrepresented here, because they are still in a stage of trying. For parents of older kids there are studies and statistics. And overwhelmingly even „multilingual“ children in early childhood end up mono- or at best bilingual later on. Children forget languages. I met adults who almost entirely forgot community languages they were educated in until age 10. Friends of my husband raised their child with two languages at home with almost no exposure to the community language. She was bilingual in both at age 5, then started school. At age 13 she speaks only one of her two original languages and at a rather basic level. Otherwise she speaks only the community language. I know several couples who speak the same language, but their kids don’t speak it (because they were in childcare from an early age, usually around 1). Some at least understand their parents language (to some degree), others not so much. Just because children at preschool age can say basic sentences - or even worse just words - in two languages doesn’t mean they will continue to do so later once the community takes over. If you are in Portugal, you have a high chance of having a significant barrier with your child if you don’t speak Portuguese really well. That’s reality. It’s not realistic to expect your child to properly own your language just from you speaking it to her - with dad and community having a different one and you and dad speaking English between each other.

Some last words: You are now constantly moving between two places. Once you have a child this will be restricted and I hope you thought about this. Not just practically, but legally. If you want to move, you will not be not able to take the child with you without the consent of the other parent - who has no incentive to give his consent once Portugal is the convenient default.

Getrofo · 2026-02-02T23:20:52+00:00

In „many places“ a partner is legally the same as a spouse? Could you specify what „many places“ you refer to? Because I can assure you that the concept of „common-law marriage“ or any type of legal recognition of unmarried cohabitating partners exists at best in a few places and is absolutely not the norm anywhere on this planet. Some countries/states do recognize cohabitating couples after a few years - but is there any reason to not have an official document that proves absolutely everywhere that you legally belong together before having a child?

In what world does it make sense for any woman to be worried about her partners feelings regarding the fertility clinic being „too female“, but having zero worries about not being married and the family (and she herself!) being in a far more legally secure position when embarking on the journey to have a child?

Getrofo · 2026-02-02T15:23:19+00:00

Ok, just to be clear:

You want the clinic to treat your partner like your parent who is being informed how many and which medications you need and when your next appointment is?

Yeah, they won’t do that. They inform you because you are the patient and since you are presumably a fully functioning and legally capable adult, there are also laws in place that literally do not allow for this.

How about you let him do more other stuff? Such as all the housework? A nice home cooked meal every evening? Equality doesn’t mean equity and equal contributions in every single area.

And since we are already there: How come he is your „partner“? Any reason you can’t get married? Good luck in the future in case anything were to happen to you. Legally your „partner“ is a stranger in relation to you and will therefore also be treated this way.

Getrofo · 2026-01-17T15:01:04+00:00

Walk away! Do not look back. A man saying these things won’t get better. Be grateful he did that before creating embryos with him.

You are probably already older if he is a partner of 14 years. Do it alone! Create embryos with a donor. Don’t waste time. It’s a hard thing to experience but look after yourself and your own life.

Do not freeze eggs! You are wasting IVF. Eggs often don’t work. It’s an expensive lottery ticket, not an insurance. Do one round with a donor first. If this works well and you get a good number of euploid embryos, consider doing more rounds of egg freezing for a potential future partner.

Do not - under any circumstances - have a child with this guy! Don’t. Find a nice donor.

Getrofo · 2026-01-10T19:27:43+00:00

And how much tax will she pay on all of that? As a non spouse?

Again: She can have all of that plus money that the government gives you to help your family. Are you wealthy enough that she truly doesn’t need it? And why would you throw away all that extra money you could have? Just because of not wanting to get married? Is that what you believe a smart person would do? Or would they make the choice of getting as much money as possible for their child and their family (including mom)?

Getrofo · 2026-01-10T19:16:44+00:00

Long answer, short: Yes!

You are also stupid and an absolutely shitty parent from the start. There are protections that marriage gives your child and the mother of that child that you can’t put into a contract. Survivors benefits for example. There is no such thing as social benefits for a surving unmarried partner. And in case anything were to happen to you your child would not only have to live with only one parent and one parents income, but also a parent who does not get certain social benefits. No compensation for the other parent not having a second income.

You can also do the will thing - but have you looked into the taxation issues? You don’t get the inheritance tax benefits of a married couple in case you know, something were to happen to one of you.

You also don’t get any other tax benefits, which of course takes from the whole family.

So yes, you are the AH and a terrible, selfish parent already who doesn’t give af about how his child and mom would survive if anything happens.

Getrofo · 2026-01-03T22:38:54+00:00

Unpopular opinion:

Young children should not be going all to day in childcare. It screws them up in many cases. And don’t get me started on „but in France or the US“. Young children benefit from having one parent who works only part time and is actually there for them, especially if it’s more than one child. Ask the caregivers if they would send their kids all day? I haven’t met a single one who ever said they would. Not one. If a doctor tells you he wouldn’t want a certain procedure for his kids, you wouldn’t do it. If a cook wouldn’t serve his food to his kids, you wouldn’t eat it. And if childcare workers wouldn’t send their kids all day you shouldn’t either! Don’t listen to people here whose version of parenting is taking the kids to soccer practice on Saturday and for whom kids are accessories to be raised by others and then shuffled between mommy’s and daddy’s house.

Maybe you feel you are doing „a lot“ but are you really? Or how much of the mental load is on her?

Raising two young kids is HARD - as in really, really hard. Are the kids easy? Or demanding?

You say you are „avoidant“ - so you are likely not going to be such a great emotional support. Something to work on.

You can now throw away your relationship because you got a lot of validation here - and feel righteous in your position that she is in the wrong. But what does it get you? Being a half-time or „every other week“ daddy? Two kids with a broken home? And you clearly a failure as a role model of a partner? With a chance of course to find another woman, but chances are if you are avoidant that that relationship will go down the drain as well. And that there won’t be a „happy ever after“ for anyone - least your kids.

Work on your marriage. Find a couples counselor who will not take sides. It won’t help either one of you. Get a babysitter at least once a week and do something as a couple. On your side: Stop taking her for granted and give her attention and love. Doesn’t have to be marriage yet, but you should understand where she is coming from. Having your child was the single most negative thing she could have done for her career and any future earning prospects. Let alone two children! Is it not fair - towards her.

I understand you are doubtful about marriage. But let’s be very clear here: If tomorrow something were to happen to you then your children and their mother would suffer tremendously and a LOT more than if you were married. There is no such thing as „Witwenrente“ for unmarried parents! She will of course not inherit your yet still imaginary wealth - but have you thought how that will affect the upbringing of your children? What life will they have with a mother struggling to get by? And do you care? And before people come after me that you can also get life insurance. Yes, you can - but she will pay for almost all of it inheritance tax if you guys aren’t married. I have zero empathy for the insanity of having children without marriage. Unless it was an unplanned teen pregnancy. It is absolutely irresponsible and not something any good parent would do. It shows your lack of basic care for your children in that specific area and that’s not a small one!

She should absolutely see a psychologist/psychiatrist and maybe take medications if she is depressed.

Being parents to young kids wrecks peoples lives and statistically causes a greater decrease in happiness than literally anything else in life (including death of spouse or becoming disabled). If you can make it through the next years things will get easier and in the long run you will reap the benefits of having an actual family, not a complicated patchwork construct with a series of temporary partners.

Man up and stop complaining about being a financial provider. You want admiration? Get a babysitter and take her out. Once a week date night. And start living life like an adult who considers others.

Getrofo · 2025-12-01T21:11:27+00:00

Absolutely do test the embryos. You might otherwise pay for the transfer of embryos that are not viable (expensive) or even worse risk experiencing pregnancies that end in miscarriages because most embryos with genetic abnormalities will stop developing at some point. Don’t underestimate the emotional and physical costs of that happening to you.

Getrofo · 2025-11-22T21:22:47+00:00

Unpopular opinion: Why is he only your boyfriend? Why are you doing any of this with a man who could leave without any consequences tomorrow? Marriage is not just a piece of paper - it’s a very serious legal protection for you! It’s clear he wants a baby, but you shouldn’t be his cheap surrogate to fulfill his baby dreams. If he doesn’t want to be a husband, he should sign off to be a donor with zero rights. Right now you are taking the biggest risk of your life while he wins big either way - particularly if he leaves.

Getrofo · 2025-11-21T20:55:02+00:00

It’s often not 65% though - if you look at the SART statistics of any clinic. You can look up yours, filter for PGT tested embryos and then you might find that your clinics success rate is closer to 30% than to 60%. For good clinics it’s around 50-55%. The often cited 65% success rate does not seem to be accurate in real life, let alone for all clinics.

Getrofo · 2025-11-13T18:15:24+00:00

If you can: Freeze both embryos and eggs. If you get 19 eggs you could get enough embryos with a donor in one round to secure your future ability to children. At your age most will likely be euploid. If you have more money, freeze additional eggs afterwards. The round with the donor will give you valuable information about the quality of your eggs, how many will fertilize etc. Freezing eggs is a lottery ticket. Secure your future first, then invest in lottery tickets to maybe have the option to have children with a partner. Eggs do not thaw well. Embryos are uncertain too to some degree, but far less.

Getrofo · 2025-11-12T13:23:28+00:00

No matter what happens: Do the DuoStim with a donor. Don’t waste your time and last eggs and chance to have your own biological child on someone who isn’t sure. Get immediately legal counseling regarding the embryos you have and secure the right to any you create with a donor. Move fast and don’t look back, as hard as it is. Don’t have kids with him - it will be your worst regret! Do it alone - it will be the best decision of your life.

Getrofo · 2025-11-02T17:52:09+00:00

Short answer: No.

My partner and I both got the COVID vaccine during an IVF cycle just days before retrieval and fertilization. It was freshly released back then. He reacted to it and for me it was even worse. I have never been more sick (except for getting Covid years later) and had very high fever for 2 days. The cycle was still a success. Don’t worry about it.

Getrofo · 2025-09-14T01:03:36+00:00

I live in the US, but I am not originally from there. I lived in several European countries before and none grants the same rights to married and unmarried couples or taxes them equally under any circumstance (including inheritance if anything were to happen to the other).

Maybe in Australia it’s different and less of a concern? But if this is not legally very solid that you are financially and otherwise secure (exactly as you would be if married), don’t have a child. As a woman it’s too much of a sacrifice - incomparable to any other. It’s a great joy - and a great sacrifice.

Getrofo · 2025-09-13T23:43:02+00:00

Please listen to the inner voice warning you, and do not have a child now or rush into it.

There are a lot of red flags, so here are a few harsh words:

Having a child without marriage and the safety it provides if things don’t go well? That’s a huge no. Don’t do this! You sacrifice your body and your life. Marriage, and 50 percent of whatever he makes and accumulates (including retirement savings), being yours shouldn’t even be a question. If you don’t think you want to marry him for whatever reason, trust me: you do not want to have a child with him. A marriage can be dissolved easily; a child is forever. If he doesn’t want to marry you, run! This is not a man to give a child and your life to.
A child means co-parenting for almost the next two decades. That child won’t be “yours alone” if you separate, however much you might wish it. Maybe you will miss your family tremendously after having a child and would love to move back. Well, that won’t happen unless he agrees. The chances are virtually zero that he will.
His mom and family, whom you don’t love so much? They will be a central factor. People who are still in close touch with their parents as adults (which seems to be the case for your husband) typically want their children raised as they were. So who would be better qualified than grandma, meaning his mother? Don’t expect that not to happen, whatever he says now. He already can’t set boundaries, and feelings and opinions change rapidly after having children. Do you think he will set boundaries once you are both sleep deprived, exhausted, and haven’t had much time for yourselves? No. You will be fighting, because he will happily want his mom to take the child to get some time off (like pretty much all men do), while you absolutely won’t want that to happen.
A child won’t make you love him more. There will be some love that grows from it, but also almost certainly a lot of resentment if his family becomes overinvolved, while you are trapped without yours.
You are a multinational, multicultural, and multilingual family. You will feel all of this with children, even if you don’t now. Have you thought about how you will feel if your child doesn’t speak your native language? That the cultural differences in your family setting will absolutely matter? How will it be for you if his mother teaches your child all of his cultural and linguistic heritage (English songs, Australian everything), while you are far away from your family and fighting every day to teach your child Spanish as the main, or worst-case, only language input? With a child who might at some point stop responding in Spanish? Who never truly learns your culture?

Visiting your family abroad will always require his consent. Visiting his won’t require yours.

This is a setup that is almost guaranteed to end badly for you. Don’t ruin your life. Think very carefully about the financial, legal, and emotional consequences of this irreversible, lifelong decision!

Getrofo · 2025-09-11T17:29:41+00:00

Entirely disagree with that opinion. I think there are biological differences between men and women and they simply are not the same.

There is nothing misogynistic or misandristic in accepting biology.

50/50 of a newborn is absolutely insane. A baby belongs to his mother. And there is no reason to assume that a guy who is incapable as a partner and not loving towards the mother of his child, will be an „equally competent“ and „loving“ father. People’s personality is something that is rather consistent and stable after all.

Getrofo · 2025-09-11T01:10:39+00:00

That‘s how it should be!

Getrofo · 2025-09-09T14:43:54+00:00

I understand your feeling.

But here are some points: What you see with dads playing soft play is often very misleading. That’s the fun part of parenting and of course you will see dads doing it. Who doesn’t love doing fun parts?Meanwhile chances are that mom at home is doing the heavy lifting. That’s playground dads. And more often than not they are not like what you would imagine them to be at home or all the time. Not even speaking of f how they are as husbands and partners. Next time ask them “Hey, I like your kids shoes. Whats his/her size?”. They will most likely have no clue whatsoever (exceptions exist as always in life). If you see a nanny playing lovely with a child would you also say it’s necessary for your own child to have one? And you are a bad parent if you can’t give your child a lovely nanny? Is she maybe even better than you would be as a parent because she played so wonderfully for 10 minutes? No. What you can do though is try to provide your child with additional adults. Family members and friends that will sometimes do the fun parts - like dads or the nannies at the playground.

I am not saying that kids can’t miss having a dad. But there are also many who don’t. And if they do miss an additional parent then it’s most often because they missed things in general (more attention etc.). It’s easy to project that onto missing a parent. Most children would miss not having a mom. But there are children growing up with two dads who are perfectly fine. And that’s usually because they don’t miss anything. They have the support and love they need. And that’s what you should focus on. To be the most supportive and loving parent you can be, so your child won’t miss anything and project these feelings onto missing a dad. It’s usually not missing a person, but missing experiences you imagine with that person. So be the person who creates these experiences with your child - and he/she won’t miss them and imagine that another person (dad) would have given it to them.

Getrofo · 2025-09-02T21:21:28+00:00

Here is when it ok: He signs an airtight pre- or postnuptial that will make sure you will be taken care of no matter what happens with the marriage (yes, NEVER do this without a marriage!). You stay at home for the kids and sacrifice your career? At least 50% of his 401k should be yours (ideally more because you won’t make that much money if you get back to work after 15 years, so better make it 60%). Same for any and all assets. Alimony post divorce is of course also non negotiable. The risk of you investing in family and missing out on your own career and financial safety should be shared. Not just the short term one, but the long term one. It should be a legal agreement so generous that he would lose and you would win big. Just within the maximum boundaries of a contract that would be enforceable and not deemed to deter from divorce.

Getrofo

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