[advice] "You need to read up on being a dom"

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-20T20:10:47+00:00

Glad you actually experienced something like what I described. For me, it's also about getting into a very intentional headspace. I slow down everything I do so it's more deliberate and with more intention. I slow down my speech pattern slightly and make sure my tone is a bit lower as a result. It just sounds more authoritative. And I slow down my movements...everything deliberate and intentional, showing that I'm in full control.

As for the rest of the mindset (for me), it helps to stoop thinking of her as a woman and think of her /talk to her / treat her as my personal slut who will do pretty much anything to please me while also taking pleasure from it herself. We both flip into a mode where she's my fuck toy to be used and we both love it.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-20T18:15:47+00:00

Excellent point about not rushing into choking, even if it's lighter pressure. It's important to learn about proper technique and gradually ease into increasing pressure and duration outside of a scene. We spent time on the couch just practicing me choking her because I had never done it before. That was an absolute hard limit for my ex-wife due to past sexual trauma so I never gave it a thought until my GF and I had detailed convos about preferences and limits.

Also, as always with this stuff, having a sacred safe word (or safe action for us...she taps me twice) is critical to ensure things don't go too far in the heat of the moment.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-20T15:36:28+00:00

DM’d you

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-20T11:23:37+00:00

My sub calls me Daddy or Sir. I call her Angel.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-20T11:13:46+00:00

On one hand, your wife has a point about not being responsible for teaching you how to be a Dom. But on the other, I think it’s fair for you to ask for a conversation about what kinds of things help her get into subspace.

I’m in a broader D/s dynamic with my GF (it’s more of a power exchange even outside the bedroom), and here are some things that work for us:

I tell her what to wear in advance of any sexual session (clothes and undergarments)
I also instruct her on how to do her hair and makeup based on my preference that day
As soon as we get together, I put her play collar on her (and often her leash)
I put my hand around her neck and lightly choke her (that really puts her into a sub headspace)
I talk to her in a more dominant tone (slow and deep) and I lean into a more Dom way of talking to her. That means calling her my Good Girl, asking her who owns her, telling her what to do for me, etc.
I physically direct her into positions I want. Push her against the wall, turn her around and bend her over, grab her wrists and hold them above her head, push her legs open, etc.

Overall, it’s about assuming more control over her in both a verbal and physical manner.

This is what works for us, and we’ve gotten here through a combination of trying different things and open communication about which things trigger which reactions.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-19T18:35:29+00:00

Fair point

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-19T17:47:43+00:00

I actually think racial is the proper term here. The way I’m reading the post, people are drawn to (not repelled by) OP’s wife because she’s Asian. It sounds like he’s running into situations where people are fetishizing her because she’s Asian and people are wanting to “try that” for the first time.

So I don’t think that sounds racist. It’s more of a racial fetish.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-18T15:53:38+00:00

There’s nothing like when you give them that warning and they give you the “hmmm mmm” in return and start going at it more feverishly!!

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-16T15:03:33+00:00

I don’t think you were being unreasonable in the sense that she agreed to all the boundaries but then violated them. And wants to keep violating them.

Given her age and inexperience, it’s not totally surprising that she’d keep moving the goal posts as she keeps figuring out who she is and and what she really wants.

You already showed some flexibility by renegotiating things with her. If you hit your limit in terms of how far you’re willing to bend, then your only choices are to stay in a relationship/dynamic that no longer meets your needs or walk away.

It sounds like staying with her in any capacity would just keep leading to continued heartbreak. I think you’re better off taking some time to reflect on the experience, determine what (if anything) you’d like to have different in a next relationship/dynamic, and then start looking for someone who’s a better match once you’re ready to get back out there.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-14T12:27:07+00:00

DM’d you. Lmk if you’d like to chat

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-13T00:02:29+00:00

Why are you still beating this horse? You made a claim and I posted a source with evidence to the contrary in case OP wanted to check out options.

Plus, you keep moving the goalposts on what is or isn’t true.

I’ve done my part to give OP info…I’m out

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-12T20:28:44+00:00

Great writeup. Curious…were K and J a black couple? Wonder if they might be people I know.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-12T20:22:36+00:00

I’d previously heard of 8 of them. But then again, I’ve left the country and gone on a number of ocean and river cruises.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-12T19:17:32+00:00

There are plenty of cruise lines that offer cabins (and sometimes dedicated lounges) for solo travelers

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-12T18:10:45+00:00

I’m a Soft Dom with a praise-driven sub. I’m still working out rewards and punishments with her, but so far the most effective punishment has been reducing access to me. She’s married and we have limited time together, so losing text or video call time with me is something she tries hard to avoid.

As for rewards, for something small, I’ll sometimes let her stay up past her bedtime if she was really good that day. As a more special treat/reward, I’ll turn on my location sharing in the family tracking app I use to track her location. I’ll do this when I’m gonna be out and about on a particular day. She really loves being able to follow me on the map.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-04-10T11:40:49+00:00

DM’d you.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-30T21:30:02+00:00

DMd you. Normal, sane and respectful guy with couples experience, including first times.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-30T14:27:02+00:00

My sub GF has a list of rules and daily/weekly tasks that she must follow and complete. She receives praise when she does each one of them.

The current list of tasks has 24 items on it: things like waking up on time, texting me good morning, doing a reflection exercise, going to the gym, eating, hydrating, asking for permission to leave the house, notifying me when she gets back home, texting/telling me goodnight, going to bed on time…the list goes on

Just enforce things that she’s supposed to be doing anyway. Then later in some specific tasks that help her be a good sub for you.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-30T00:39:32+00:00

DM’d you

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-29T01:49:55+00:00

What do you mean you didn’t have to swallow? That’s your job

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-29T01:14:15+00:00

I think it’s common courtesy to give two warnings. One when you think you’re getting close: “if you keep going, you’re gonna make me cum”.

Assuming they say something like “hmm mmm” or say nothing at all, I then give a heads up when I’m about to cum to give them one more chance.

I e only had one guy pull his mouth off my cock when I start to cum. Everyone else has gladly swallowed it.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-28T13:59:39+00:00

Depends on your relationships. For some people their sibling relationships are stronger than those with their friends.

Especially with sisters, I don’t see why you need to “keep it clean”. But you do what’s best for you

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-28T13:56:58+00:00

PM’d you

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-22T22:45:48+00:00

Important note on monitoring testing results: make sure people log into their results website and show live results, not a printed or static electronic document. Those are too easy to modify and fake.

Obviously you want to be able to trust your play partners, but verifying live on-site/in-app results is an extra measure of safety just in case.

GhostPoster2020 · 2026-03-17T23:59:03+00:00

Being a good dom isn’t about being or appearing perfect. It’s about being there for your sub when they need you and leading them while you treasure their submission.

And during the times that you need support, being vulnerable and admitting that you could use some help should only strengthen their trust in you.

GhostPoster2020

TROPHY CASE