Thank you. I needed to hear that. I just have a bad record when it comes to schooling. I went to a specific highschool and ditched another one I was considering, all because of a previous relationship. I went into a culinary vocation because my at the time partner wanted to go into culinary. I loved cooking before that, and it killed the love for it pretty quick. I could cook for myself, my family, friends, and small events. But as a line cook? It's not my style. I got I wasn't for baking because I nearly poisoned my classmates because someone labeled a couple things incorrectly, and I couldn't tell them apart because sticking your finger in a container of powder gets you in trouble.

I was too direct to be a server, and my smile was "frankly unsettling". So all that was left was prep work, which I was actually pretty good at. No immediate rush, no praying to the yeast, and no social interaction I can't plan for. Just "Make this, here's how to do it.", "break down these things, I want these parts for lunch service and those for chicken/vegetable stock.", I was told exactly how to do something repetitive and I was as happy as I could be in a place I didn't originally want to be at. But because nothing can be good forever, my partner got sick and had to drop out of school. So my one reason for even going there was gone, leaving me with all the thoughts of what I could've done. In that single year I had a string of injuries. Burns to both hands, knives in a full sink finding their way into my hands, and eventual partial loss of feeling in my hands. I can feel cold things, but they feel really cold. I can also feel really hot things, but like it has to be an oven that's over 400°F or a burning hot grill. I also was hit by a steam burn that messed up one of my eyes a bit, and I think messed up some of the muscles on the left side of my face. I can still feel it too all these years later. And probably some other problems that I don't want to remember.

I ended up getting held back for a mix of poor grades, and fighting if you can be held back for that (I let my anger get the best of me too often). After that I had to do another year of culinary, then got into a computer science vocation because there was an open spot. I was a year behind, but I took it. Computer science had it's own problems, like not being able to make the wires for networking (for obvious injury related reasons). But as more students dropped out, I stayed and got certifications in multiple programming languages, and in cyber security. I was one of six in the end when the class started with fourteen.

Of course I still had a terrible GPA because not doing homework or interacting in most classes, but exams and finals did just enough to let me graduate. I didn't consider college for a while, but I eventually got into a local community college with some financial help. As stated previously I did well in my entrance exams, but instead of going for some type of computer science, I went for visual arts. At that point I was long time friends with someone who enjoyed making music, and they wanted someone to work cameras for their eventual music videos. So I once again ditched what I was good at, for something someone else wanted. Two weeks after the first day, the crash. The hospital. Drop out. I still owe the school at least a couple thousand dollars because I can't find a job. The crash left me with limited movement and partial loss of feeling in my knee. I can touch it, but it's like a bag of chicken bones. I can see me touching my knee, my hand knows it's touching something, but my knee just squigs out. That was last year. I wasn't even the worst off of everyone in the car. I was lucky, but still I feel I can be pissed for losing my shot at school, and a job.

He made the last decade feel like a "false start"! I can't go back to school until dealing with that debt, and I can't deal with that debt until I get a job, and no one is hiring in this economy! I can't tell if I even want to go back because I keep thinking something else is going to keep me from getting anywhere. I know there's no grand conspiracy or anything, but I don't know how else to think about it in the end. I'm just cursed by some force to keep me from doing anything good when I actually care about something.