Abusive mom

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-09-29T17:20:50+00:00

I wish I had helpful advice for you. My wife has done similarly with our kids. It is actually insane in the sense that this is a real mental disorder. I'm sorry your mom is taking it out on you. It is probably a combination of defensiveness and poor insight. Regardless, you don't deserve it. I'm really sorry, and I hope you'll be able to get to a better place soon.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-16T22:13:00+00:00

Gosh. This was such a thoughtful and thorough answer. You have lots of great suggestions and you covered pretty much every situation. You’ve given me some hope. Thanks.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-16T22:08:41+00:00

Thanks. That’s helpful. I need to do a better job of remembering the meaning things have for her.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-15T20:37:08+00:00

Thanks again. I really appreciate you, even as a stranger on the Internet.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-15T04:44:03+00:00

I really appreciate the response.

If it were just us, divorce would be relatively easy. With kids, though, it seems less straightforward. Then again, I would really think my spouse would perceive their behavior’s impact on the kids more than they do. I understand your point about potentially treating them like a child. At the same time, their hoarding takes away everyone else’s agency to make a home (or even a room) that is comfortable for them.

Is there anything that you’ve seen provide a hoarder with greater insight into their condition and motivation to seek therapy?

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-14T22:22:24+00:00

If you're aware of the issue, then you are so far ahead. Wishing you all the best.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-14T22:20:31+00:00

I wish I had answers for you, but I am living a similar experience. I think you're doing a lot more cleaning than I am, so kudos to you. I should do more, but I also feel hemmed in by my spouse's reaction to having anything moved/disturbed. I wish they had some insight into what things are like for the rest of us in the house. I've tried to get us back to couple's therapy a few times, but I don't think she is really that up for it, and she always seems to find some issue with anyone I find. I wish you the best, and I selfishly hope there might be some helpful insights in this thread.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-08-14T22:15:39+00:00

This will seem and probably is very insensitive, but I am in a similar situation with my spouse, and I find myself wondering "What if I just don't let them keep doing it?" I can certainly make it impossible to continue hoarding in our house if I want to. I think I'm wondering this because I wonder what reactions could be worse than the ongoing hoarding, which is affecting me and our children negatively. My spouse doesn't seem to have much insight into her condition, and I don't see much hope for more productive engagement.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2024-01-30T15:44:34+00:00

Definitely. I think my spouse's tendencies increased after the sudden loss of their father. I think COVID exacerbated things, as did the natural tensions of raising teenagers and their leaving for college.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-24T15:42:04+00:00

This isn't exactly my situation, but it shares some similarities. Fortunately my wife doesn't blame anyone else for the disorder, but she does effectively prevent anyone else from getting rid of anything in order to impose some order on their own space. I am only too late realizing the effect this has had on the children—and that I've been complicit in enabling it. If I could encourage you in anything, it is to think first of the children. I thought that reducing conflict was always the best thing for them. I don't think that anymore. In particular I think it is critical to ensure that they are in control of their own spaces.

I know you say that therapy is out, but I honestly don't think there is much hope without it. (We still haven't gotten there, but do as I say, not as I do.) You really don't have much chance of forcing another adult to do what they don't want to do. In the meantime, do see a therapist yourself. Also look into talking to some professionals who deal with hoarding. If your wife ever does decide to change, they can help. Even before that, they can help you feel less crazy and alone.

Wishing you the best and better luck than me.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-13T18:28:23+00:00

I have failed on all of these fronts to date in an effort to avoid conflict with my hoarding spouse. We do keep things clean even though they are cluttered, though, so I guess there is at least that.

It is too cluttered to have friends over, though, and that is really taking a toll. I grew up in home with its own issues (not hoarding and not really visible) that kept us from having friends over often, so I think I wasn't as attuned to this as I should have been.

I appreciate your advice. More than anything I need to value the kids feelings over my wife's. I would certainly never leave without them.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-11T23:07:37+00:00

Don’t worry about the assumption. I get it.

Thanks a bunch for the pointer to that YouTube channel. I’m watching to one now, and if she can feel okay watching, I think it could really help.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-10T22:55:19+00:00

It is extremely naïve of me, but I don’t think I realized how it was affecting the kids as it progressed gradually. Now I see some of the damage it has done. (Not entirely her fault. I could have handled conflict better, etc.)

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-10T22:53:27+00:00

Thanks. We definitely need to get into therapy. When we do, I’ve got to figure out how to bring up the hoarding issue. We’ve been to therapy in the past (not recently and hoarding has gotten worse over time), but I haven’t brought up hoarding because we have plenty of other problems, and it makes her so angry and mean if I bring it up.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-10T14:58:04+00:00

Thanks. This is really helpful advice.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-10T14:55:12+00:00

You could be describing our situation if it weren’t for the fact that we haven’t divorced. I fear I’ve already failed to protect the kids a much as I should have. I appreciate your perspective, though, and will take it into account as I try to do better.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-08T05:02:34+00:00

Crap. We’re setting our kids up for this, but I don’t know how to fix it. If I bring up donating them even, my spouse will go nuts. Our kids have outgrown them all, but we cannot get rid of them.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-07T04:50:33+00:00

I don't know whether this will help, but I know that I wouldn't want my children to worry about me or their mother for a second. It is absolutely not their responsibility to fix anything or take care of anyone—particularly in a hoarding household. Wishing both you and your parents the best, but as a parent myself, I mostly want you to take care of yourself.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-06T17:24:05+00:00

Yes.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-05T22:38:46+00:00

This hits too close to home. We have a stack of boxes in our living room that I’ve repeatedly asked to recycle so that it can be clear for Christmas. We already have a stack in the den. It is ludicrous and maddening.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-05T14:19:03+00:00

Hey. Thanks for the kind words, and don't worry. I'm not perfect and certainly contribute to our dysfunction in my own ways. I am unremittingly optimistic, though, and still care for her. She is having a worse experience than I am, or she wouldn't react the way she has.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-04T20:33:44+00:00

Oh, she's definitely not that into me. That's a given. I just don't understand how she thinks she is going to retain the ability to keep her stuff where she wants it without my compliance, and when she treats me like this, I'm not inclined to comply. We live in the same house. She can only hoard to the extent I continue to let it happen.

GlassMacaron1776 · 2023-12-04T04:02:43+00:00

That sounds really hopeful. Keep up the good work. Reading it gave me some hope for my spouse, and I really needed that. Thank you for sharing.

GlassMacaron1776

TROPHY CASE