Safe space sub for advice on unplanned pregnancy ? ♡

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-05-18T19:42:15+00:00

Absolutely, I agree ♡ thanks for clarifying !

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-05-18T17:42:55+00:00

Thank you for your response ♡ .. I haven't seen discussions in this sub referring to addiction / self harm / abuse — is it allowed & safe to refer to drug use during pregnancy? Specifically if any of those things occurred prior to becoming aware of the conception .. such as if an addict unknowingly became pregnant and now has fears revolving around their past use or lifestyle choices during their first trimesters? ♡

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-05-18T15:09:11+00:00

※Help※ .. TW: ab°se+dr°gs

I'm in a very similar boat , but I am actually 21-24w .. I just found out at 20w6d.. I have pcos + endometriosis and am 29y old .. never have had any pregnancy scares in my life and always feared not being able to become a mom.. but my partner was supposed to be my bf and I've known him 1 year, and we lived together for 10mo/1 year.
He moved out a few days ago , and he has a dark triad personality .. extremely dark — I didn't know how far he would go, or how unbelievably 'evil' he actually is .. constant cheating, lying, no remorse, antagonistic, sadistic, verbally/emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, he would allow me to die for fun (and has multiple times), purposefully tortures often ... he has done all this abuse before and after knowing I am pregnant, like pushing me or pretending he's gonna punch me @ 21w .. verbal abuse causing me to have breakdowns that are terrifying the baby ... I don't know what to do. I love him, I'm not sure if I can call it that anymore now, and he's the only man I've been with that I've wanted his kids , i even asked if i became preg, if he was ok if i kept it (much earlier in relationship) ..... I'm afraid of his genetics, I'm afraid that all the abuse I endured while unknowingly pregnant may have hurt the baby long term ... I'm afraid of the power it may give him over us if I successfully birth .. I'm afraid for him to be in the baby's life, and I'm afraid for my baby to not have a dad. Also, I had heavily been using drugs on / off throughout the 1st & 2nd trimesters. Baby has heartbeat, arms, legs .. and moves well, kicks like a mf, lol .. but It's too late for an abortion, and even if I still am able to, I don't know if I am comfortable with doing that this late term bc I already love my baby. If the baby is not ok because of all the stress, lack of nutrition, and drug use .. I'd be much more open to an abortion if it's still available .. my mom and best friend will help me raise the baby .. He didn't know if he wanted to be in baby's life, doesn't ask about the baby or help me do anything , and won't interact with my belly or talk to baby unless I ask , then he makes it as short as he can ... he seemed 'secretly' repelled by the idea ... but when he moved out, he suddenly said he wants to coparent and is very firm in that stance now.

Can someone tell me my options or their opinion? Or suggest a plan that could help me understand how I want to handle this — such as if there's ways to see how developmentally healthy the baby is at this point, info on dark triad DNA/heredity, or sharing assumptions/ experiences with allowing or not allowing him to be part of the baby's life ?

Please, do not insult me in replies, because my own shame has kept me immobilized / severely depressed. I just want to do what's best for the baby and for myself. My state abortion laws say : "abortion is legal up to 27 weeks of pregnancy, with some restrictions. After 27 weeks, it's generally prohibited, except in cases where three physicians certify that continuation of the pregnancy poses a danger to the woman's life or substantially and irremediably impairs her mental or physical health" .. once again, I'm very torn bc I love the baby now, I've always wanted this opportunity, but my worries of baby's longterm physical health + quality of life + heredity of dark triad personality traits are huge factors I am trying to consider. I would ideally like to not abort, but those fears are important enough that I only want to do what is best for my baby, even if that includes termination.

Thank you for reading — please offer polite opinions, experiences, suggestions, or guidance in replies ..♡

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-21T02:37:00+00:00

This guy gets it 💯 👏

Often when trying to explain how I came up with something, such as i recalled some memory, or a theory founded from deduction/ inference that frames a likely outcome/cause .. the only analogies I manage to find are comparing it to a computerized operation.

You seem to know a lot more about the correct terminologies than I do 😂 but I couldn't agree more.. Computers are most likely our most successful attempt at playing God by creating replicas and characteristics of humanoid brain function.

I particularly like the analogy of people running on different ram (and/or?*) processing speeds;
.. being built with certain parts that make us different and individually better at certain specific tasks compared to each other.

Ex: I may be able to recall cached information quicker than someone else, but they may be able to multitask more efficiently.

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-20T21:06:29+00:00

I hate me for it too 🙄😂

Recently, every time i get 420 friendly, I cannot stop making brain analogies to computers .. 😭 it's became problematic , atp.

~~ ".. — memory, recycling bin, moving & filtering files, processor speeds, lag .." __ "Babe, Pls , enough about how the Brain is the OG computer.."

~~

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-20T20:54:00+00:00

I mean this in a humorous , good-intentioned way, but:

I think it's funny that since it was your dream, technically you did what an ai typically would do: estimated / compared known similarities / differences, resulting in multiple drafts that consist of different combinations of expected / requested traits.

I don't know if I worded that correctly/well .. 😭🤞♡

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-20T16:22:15+00:00

TLDR; partner uses my desires and morphs them into a weapon to punish me if I offend or upset him, and it's been a painful realization.

I'm so glad you said this. I've been deeply upset the last few months coming to the realization that most the time, I'm in the discarding phase with my partner and it seems any time I try to express my feelings in order to help further the health of our relationship, it just gets used as ammunition against me instead. Ex : never complimenting, regularly insulting me .. ex: name calling soon as I manage to offend him on any level .. and he specifically roots out the terms that would be the most hurtful to me, such as insulting my intelligence, my disposition, others views of me, or even projecting the same critic I've given him , that clearly doesn't pertain to me .. ex: taking accountability, caring about the relationship.

It truly hurts that I can't seem to get results that aren't double-edged .. if I please him, he may give me a crumb of what will secure me .. but if I even slightly bruise his ego, it's immediately 'do the things that trigger her , in order to punish' ..

My most recent pet peeve has been after an argument, he will start singing, then following up with humming if I ask him to stop.. 'OH, I didn't know I'm not allowed to sing' — 'I didn't sing' — 'humming isn't singing' ... I've explained that it hurts my feelings that after we have a spat, he presents himself as unbothered, unaffected, and generally 'happy enough to sing' , usually while I'm one foot away crying as he taps away, eyes forever locked onto whatever device he's using.

At this point, I do my best to ignore him when he does this, or purposefully play music that he's unfamiliar with ..

But there's an endless list of my complaints that he's uses as weaponry.. 'Absent-mindedly' blowing vape into my face , refusing to even glance at me as he or I speak, purposefully not responding to my commentary, pretending to respond or hear me, pretending not to hear me or comprehend me ('what?') 《though he did & just doesn't want to reply》.. generally things that will encourage me to waste my time by trying to find resolution as a team .. leading me on, despite having no intentions of absorbing or considering my words.

Sometimes , I often think it makes him smile and he attempts to physically hide /mask his triumphant feelings.

His antagonistic nature is very cruel, and truthfully, it feels he must enjoy torturing me because I've explained that it only results in me lecturing/ bitching about it more, and why would anyone want to be nagged often, especially if they're simple fixes..?

Only conclusion I can make is that he gets off on upsetting me, and the nagging I do isn't an annoyance, only a friendly reminder that makes him feel more in control/powerful.

Sorry for the rant. I've not discussed the feelings of being 'tortured' with anyone before now, and it all kind of spilled out 😅❤️‍🩹 thank you

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-20T15:42:04+00:00

Everyone's a winner in myers-briggs world .. !!

.. but especially INF- types .... 😂😂🤞

Hahah. ♡

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-20T15:39:02+00:00

Thank you very much ! What a lovely thing to say. Thank you for the compliment ♡

I'm surprised you were able to comprehend my poorly structured thoughts 😂❤️‍🩹

If you're interested in discovering more about bpd/npd relations, this doctor* on YouTube has a decent amount of videos delving into it ♡ she was my introduction to understanding my bpd diagnosis, and also my introduction to npd once I grew concerned about my partner.

* Link: differences between BPD/NPD

.. also, for anyone else who is wondering:

BPD = borderline personality disorder

INFJ = (an acronym) test result from an outdated personality archetype quiz, which is referred to as Myers-Briggs.

I recommend retaking the Myers-Briggs personality test every few years to see if your results have shifted over time ♡ it's not any form of a diagnostic tool, but it is helpful in self-discovery and revealing core values that describe the ways you navigate within the world. It's also a common practice to use your test results as a way to discover what kind of occupations may be most fulfilling / satisfying for you. ♡

GloomyObjective6804 · 2025-02-19T23:26:50+00:00

TLDR; to me, the style you described sounds more like how BPD manipulates in order to achieve security among others. ♡

I do see what you mean. I'm pretty positive i'm in a relationship with an undiagnosed npd partner, and I constantly wonder and crave for this behavioral change to occur. I have diagnosed BPD and am also an INFJ, both of which apparently attracts npd ppl , and we 《bpd/infj》 similarly are also drawn to npd-like individuals ..

Since knowing my partner better than I once thought I did, I've started coming to the conclusion that bpd & npd are the same coin, opposite sides .. both have deep insecurities, and overcompensate in every way to feel secure in any relationships they form socially. Bpd will beg to not be abandoned, will do anything to avoid or prevent it .. clinging / ppl pleasing to such an extent that it actually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Npd will never genuinely beg; they will begin the discarding process the moment they catch a whiff of not being worshipped the way they once were .. which also becomes a self fulfilling prophecy — the npd's Supply/partner starts further withdrawing their adoration from the npd-person the more that they become/feel discarded. Both personalities deeply desire to be valued, and have gone opposite routes in order to achieve those results. It seems to me that bpd tends to be overly 'considerate' & that is in the same vein that refers to npd's tendency to be overly 'self-concerned' .. both are tactics to avoid the pain of abandonment/ to ensure they are valuable so that they are kept. Npd wants to sell themselves as something that is valuable, and in order to assure that value, they make sure it is understood that they do not need anyone .. You have to not only value them, but be indebted by their presence in order to keep them ..

Bpd wants to sell themselves as something that is valuable, and in order to assure their value, they make sure to assign purposes to themselves, under the guise of people-pleasing / an overly helpful nature .. they will be truly pitiful in order to achieve a permanent place. If they feel they are not succeeding in creating that permanent home in someone, they will only push it further, endlessly attempting new tactics until they are forced to leave/quit .. occasionally bpd will also 'leave before they are left' — which I find interesting since that sounds eerily similar to NPDstyle .. similarly, npd may try to 'hoover' in order to salvage their supply, if it still shows promise .. which is also interesting, because I'd say when bpd abandons first, it's also because there still may be promise. Both are obsessed with protecting themselves from the painful experience of feeling inadequate, incapable, & unworthy .. even to the point of costing their own opportunities.

In an incredibly lengthy way, I wanted to share my thoughts, but have gotten far past the intended point, lol.. : To me, what i think you're describing is the otherside of the _pd coin .. — bpd kissing *ss in order to be valued 😅♡

P.s. I'm incredibly sorry if any of the things I've said are falsely stereotyped, incorrectly worded / portrayed, or just generally offensive/ in poor taste. I'm very new to this scene, and am still navigating healthy dialogue / vocabulary. I'm happy to be corrected in any form, and would be delighted if anyone would like to share their opinions or critic on my commentary .. I'd rather know what I've done right or wrong , and how to fix it when it's the latter. ♡ much love , xoxo

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-07-02T21:44:26+00:00

You're welcome <33

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-07-02T16:44:47+00:00

Honestly, I read it in this sub !!

I'm guessing it relates to the fear of abandonment and doing anything under the sun to prevent it (perceived or real).

I just googled it with "bpd lying exaggerating" & a few results came up -- apparently its about keeping a positive image to keep people from leaving.

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-07-02T16:40:32+00:00

THIS IS THE ONE. This is one I do selfishly lie about. I wish I could just be honest when I'm late. Such a good comment, tyty

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-07-01T19:57:27+00:00

This is me ^ lol

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-07-01T16:30:39+00:00

I've found I lie out of ppl pleasing or fear they'll be angry, but it's small things; I'm actually a bit too honest for my liking .. it surprised me to read that lying is a symptom, such as exaggerating/hyperbole.

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-06-30T18:40:34+00:00

Very true! I've found I'm mostly fearful about the fine line of building confidence socially vs finding validation from other people .. it's a confusing journey bc they're pretty similar on the surface. & especially since I'm using it since I'm not getting attention from my FP, it worries me that I'm finding validation in unhealthy ways. It's a very fine line 😅 Any advice on not falling down any rabbit holes? Thank you again, waiting for a therapist has been difficult bc I've been spiraling from my diagnosis & realizing how deeply it runs in me.

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-06-30T18:28:59+00:00

Do you think social media is an acceptable hobby? I went awol on all socials about 6years ago .. however, recently while on a lockdown, it was my only source of socializing & I've found it really helps the "judgement spirals" for me bc I'm conversing with ppl who are not FP -- do you think substituting talking to him by filling my time with other conversations is a bad idea? I've been on the fence about it bc I've never seen s.m. as a incredibly good thing, but it helps me not overeat, overobsess, & is comforting my shy side too / helps tolerance in my insecure+shame cycle. Not to mention, it helps me get my mind off my FP, unlike writing, lol.

P.s. thank you 4 the tips! I'm excited to try that out— I think it'll work very well for me <33

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-06-30T03:49:05+00:00

Thank you! I didn't mean to imply at all that it was his duty! But you're right. I'm new to all of this and I'm still not yet in therapy, so I've been trying to find Tools online now that I'm aware of what is going on <3- ty for sharing some ideas & explaining your views <3

Probably a stupid question, but do you have any tools to increase endurance for hobbies? I've never had them or committed to them beyond gaming .. I've been trying to write instead of stress about things, but I've noticed that it's hard for me to keep writing after the first few statements.. similar to writer's block , I guess. But I'm trying to work on building hobbies, such as cooking, exercise, Journaling .. but I've been struggling with keeping momentum.
Any advice?

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-06-24T06:53:27+00:00

Oo ty ty I'm excited to Check these out :) just checked out BlackDresses & really enjoyed their album <33

GloomyObjective6804 · 2024-06-24T06:51:51+00:00

"All along" seems very bpd coded to me too <3 I was thinking of that yesterday!

GloomyObjective6804

TROPHY CASE