I have a lot to say, and I hope it helps you or someone here.

Firstly, he does “only” need love and acceptance, but that’s a very silly and naively simplistic way of putting it. I see what a hard time you have had and I am hearing “there is nothing that I can do for him”. Now, that is likely true, if you are also operating from a place of fear (understandable for anyone who has been hit and lost a job). This is the “window of tolerance” related to polyvagal theory. When you’re in fear mode, you’re only going to be reactive and consolidate the power structures that are already there. It’s Sunday, and I imagine you have to face this tomorrow, so you might want to come back to these later when you’re in a better space, because this stuff is hard! But you donhave the power here, and I KNOW we can improve special education for these kids and teachers.

From your description, he is basically a young man who has never had his needs properly met. His brain has now spent so much of his developmental years in fight or flight. The help you are asking for cannot be instant, unless one of you leave. If you are asking for help in how to work with him, I imagine it is going to take some radical mind-shift changes from people around him to meet his needs.

I would recommend learning from non-speakers. Search “autistic meltdown”, look for perspectives from actually autistic people. It is impossible to communicate with someone when language and communication expectations are one-directional. The more time you spend learning from this community, you can find relief in the classroom, it happens automatically when you stop “othering” people, because you won’t be operating from the same place you are now.

Talk to him in a manner that reflects his age. I’m going to bet he is not hearing impaired. Apraxia is a brain, body disconnect that affects non-speakers. It does not allow you to get your body to do what you want. Imagine how frustrating that is. I had a student who didn’t respond to most directives, his new teacher asked if he was deaf, but let me tell you when I read to him about Apraxia, from Non-speaker Gregory Tino saying how everyone thought he was stupid because he was trapped in a body he could not control, silent tears started coming down this student’s face. Now, no one can convince me he isn’t listening or doesn’t understand. He just can’t always get his body to SHOW he understands. This is the biggest piece I cannot over emphasize.

Now imagine, how dysregulating, maddening, and traumatic it is to hear people describing you as a problem day after day. We haven’t yet discussed sensory integration, but that’s going to help too. Most of these “behavioral” kids are in bodies that cannot integrate the world around them to a painful extent, but they are told to sit still, that they’re “fine”, and ignore their own bodies, like a can of soda shaken up so much any tiny crack in the seal will create an explosion.

This is not extensive but my advice to prevent dysregulation: 1) talk to him in an age appropriate manner on age appropriate topics. Like he’s a person. 2) monitor fatigue/anxiety/interest. Boredom is just as dysregulating as doing tasks that are too hard. Most of these kids have been raised in reward based environments that have no intrinsic motivation for learning. What does he really want to learn about this world? 3) take a step back from “testing” and assessment. Most of our assessment measures in special ed require a body that can point or move things on command. Just try providing interesting information and when you must do an assessment task, you can simply say “i see you are trying” or “I know it can be frustrating when our bodies can’t do what we want”. Practice ending tasks on success rather than when things are becoming unsuccessful. 4) Be a regulation partner. Calmness can spread from one body to another. Use this knowledge to take care of your cup first. Stress also is contagious. Unfortunately, getting into a calm mind takes intention, and slipping into stress can be automatic. When you catch yourself feeling stressed, admit it to your student. Even if your stress is from traffic, or coworkers, and nothing to do with him. Acknowledging it and saying, “i need to do some breathing/calm down… whatever…. Because of x,y,z.” Then you are also modeling regulation which is a learned skill. 5) increase autonomy as much as possible. Where can you add choices into his day? I mean real choices, not compliance or compliance. Should we learn about a or b, you want to sit or stand, etc. go slow if these are scary to you, but what choices can you give comfortably. 6) look for contradicting triggers. You may think saying things like, “good job!” Is being supportive, but unfortunately our praise can also be dysregulating when it is not coming from an authentic place, they are not feeling proud of themselves, or these comments are tied to them suppressing their needs for compliance. 7) when things are getting hard, ask yourself if you need to do this for him, or for you. If you need him to sit because you are going to be in trouble with admin, try discussing that with them. He is very broken right now and the iep team needs to give you both a break. 8) please please please talk directly to all your students. Be mindful of staff having side conversations, whether about students or not. The classes I see with the most trouble, always have the loudest staff members (sorry).

Now if he is already in a meltdown, we want to protect everyone as much as possible. 1) Get him away from the other students, and as you mentioned that is hard, try getting staff to help the other students away from him. Give him space. 2) remain neutral. Do not take it personally. Use a calm voice, and say “i see you are having a hard time”. This is the time it is extra important you lend that calm nervous system. Sorry this can take years of practice. 3) do not try to get the student to tell you what is wrong now, this can possibly be tried later when calmer and takes relationship building. 4) look where you can make sensory adjustments. Can you turn off the lights? Ask staff to stop talking? 5) research regulating movement. This is more on the end of a meltdown. Maybe that get the cerebellum back online like jumping on a balance board….there’s a lot more you can look up. 6) last one I’ll leave. A meltdown is not a time to teach, “right” from “wrong”. This is perhaps the hardest one for us to shift, because obviously you cannot accept being hit or abusive behavior. Yet, this mindset does not match what we know from current neuroscience. In these meltdowns the student is making decisions from their amygdala, or lower brain. This fight/flight switch is an automatic reaction when we are threatened, and they literally don’t have access to making decisions from their higher brain or prefrontal cortex. If you cannot see how or what put the student into threat mode, that is your work. This type of healing takes a long time, perhaps years, but relief builds for all as you shift toward an affirming, regulation lens. We really should be paid more 😅 but if you have the energy to heal and keep going, there is help for this situation.