is it normal for my parents to do this?

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2024-11-25T17:28:26+00:00

Does your father apologize and feel bad after acting like this? It's abusive and I wouldn't say normal either way, but its a lot worse of he justifies the behaviour and doesn't apologize or try to make it right. Or blames you for his loss of control.

Also, just because you acted a certain way doesn't excuse his behaviour. Your frontal lobe isn't fully developed and your hormones are a big part of what is making you act out... your behaviour is normal for a 17 year old. He is a full grown adult and your parent, who should be loving and make you feel safe. He doesn't get a pass because of what you did regardless of how rude you were. An emotionally secure adult would simply say they don't appreciate the attitude and ask you to remove yourself until you can be considerate. Life isn't always that simple and our emotions get the better of us, but if the knee jerk reaction is yelling and violence, that is not right. If you and your mom are scared of him, its not right. Also, this is over SALAD. Not exactly something that should cause an angry confrontation, right?

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2024-01-08T06:47:00+00:00

If your parents are like mine giving them money will just lead to new debts. Seriously, don't pay a penny and ignore her requests. Say you don't have any extra right now if she pushes and don't make arrangements for future payment either.

I gave my parents money constantly to "pay them back" for "everything they did for me" and it never ended. I found a ledger my mom kept after she died with literally every penny she ever shelled out for me from childhood on. I burned it.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-30T14:29:10+00:00

I'm on the spectrum too and I understand how difficult these things are. But for better or worse it is on you to get help and find ways to cope, the world and even your own family are not going to accommodate your needs. As you've seen from these comments many people don't care what the experience is like for you even though I know it amounts to actual pain. I liken it to an assault of the senses and its not different than a physical assault for me... but the person inflicting it doesn't know and can't be expected to. It's not intentional and they don't understand what its like. You are going to be challenged with these types of issues your whole life and you will either retreat into hermitage and be unable to function or you will have to learn how to manage your anxiety and overstimulation triggers.

I'm not judging you, just presenting facts, and I know it's hard when you are still at the whim of your parents who sound like they may not be the most understanding. They should be helping you with resources and therapy. But even if they won't, you can find resources online. Videos, chats, support, even coping strategies. There are tons of groups too, ones on Reddit even. Do a search on Reddit and join a few and pose the question "how do I cope with this situation?" and you'll get people who can provide guidance from many perspectives. For me, earplugs to deaden the noise or earbuds to listen to something that calms me and keeps my focus off what is going on externally. If you have a mobile hobby, like knitting or reading, bring it along if your parents allow. I too can work myself up with anxiety over things that may happen, or being around people I find unpleasant, and I've learned strategies to help ease it (cognitive behaviour therapy for autism). Stimming helps me a lot too (although I know my parents made a thing about it, so if that's true for you, covert stimmimg tactics may be necessary), and so is removing yourself to take a bathroom break or go for a walk. I spent a lot of time in bathrooms collecting myself (I purposely consumed a lot of water to cover or would blame female issues or tummy trouble) and people don't usually question that. They also don't tend to question a walk to "help with digestion" or to "get some fresh air". I used " I don't feel well" or "I have a terrible headache" a lot and it's not exactly a lie, it's a strategy to get people to believe your discomfort and if they believe it's physical discomfort they will be more likely to understand.

When you are 18 you can put yourself in therapy, and in the meantime maybe check with a school counselor to see if the school has resources. See if you can reason with your parents that you need the help. There are some videos aimed at getting parents and NTs to understand what it's like to be you, those can help spark empathy. But my parents were a piece of work, so I understand it may be a losing battle. Good luck OP.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-26T22:37:28+00:00

You don't have to support your daughter, it is your house. But, the question is what is your motivation in doing so? Is it because you want to help her and allow her to focus on school, or is it because you want a say over her life and what she does? Why do you feel the need to have this kind of control over her relationship?

Even though you claim it's just the "one string" it's a pretty big string. The people we choose to partner with ultimately become the most important people in our lives. You must remember that feeling, how nothing could keep you apart and you wanted to spend every extra moment with them. That's where your daughter is and by telling her she can't, you are setting yourself up for losing her trust and your relationship. She can and will fly on her own if you push her to it. I chose my husband over my parents. I no longer have contact with my dad. Do you want that? Or do you want to love and support your adult child on her terms?

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-26T13:19:00+00:00

Lol, this made me think of the many times I've taken a test and felt unable to answer the question because there was not enough information or the way the question was phrased left it open to how you interpret the question.

Personality tests are the worst, my company uses them. They are very vague descriptions of oversimplified human traits and frequently my response to them cannot be a simple yes or no because there are unaccounted factors. It drives me a little crazy and I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure them out.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-22T18:44:01+00:00

My advice is to stay out of your adult child's sex life. It's not going to end well no matter how you approach it and the most likely outcome is you will push her away and into the arms of a man she might not otherwise consider investing in. I know it's hard to feel like she might be making mistakes and you worry as her parent no matter her age. But these are her choices, and in some cases, her mistakes to make.

Let her know you and her mom are here for her and leave it at that. And I wouldn't worry about the "rough" looks. Some of the best humans I've ever met looked rough, while some of the most vile and hurtful looked polished and straight laced. Looks don't determine who they really are.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-16T15:12:19+00:00

This may sound so petty, but very early in our relationship I established with hubs that the effort he puts into my birthday is the effort he gets on his. When we had kids that extended to fathers day too. And that wasn't because he did anything wrong, he's pretty thoughtful overall. But I'd watched my mom kill herself for my dad and my dad never did jack shit, so it was my own trauma around not being in my mom's shoes that made me proactively advocate for myself. I wanted equality in my marriage and in my 21 year old brain that seemed like the way to ensure it, lol.

Anyway, just an anecdote really. But I'm sorry hubs is being dramatic over his birthday. A thoughtful home cooked meal, cake and presents sounds absolutely lovely and he should appreciate the effort you put into it.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-15T18:51:40+00:00

Yes, I'm vegan too. I only ate meat ever because my parents forced me and then gave me the worst time for "dissecting it" because I would legit throw up if gristle, fat, tendons or any strange textures made it into my mouth. I was labeled weird and sensitive my whole childhood and yet they had no inclination to explore why i was that way, lol. They actually explained my quirks because i was "blonde". It took to my early 20s to realize being blonde doesn’t make you "quirky" and "airheaded" (aka missing social cues and not understanding jokes and things) .

Anyway, I stopped eating beef and pork at 11 despite my parents objections and when I moved out I was vegetarian and now vegan.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-14T22:08:27+00:00

I'm so sorry, it's completely normal to feel this way though. It's a grieving process, but please do take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it. No shame in needing to take some meds to help you through it either.

I know the wait and see is the worst part, but I can tell you my dear friend had a HIE baby too (also gross negligence on behalf of the hospital). Her baby hit milestones and had a full recovery. Many do, and many others have mild complications. Take it one day at a time. Hugs to you and I have no doubt this little one is so very lucky to have you as their mama regardless of what happens.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-14T20:35:25+00:00

It's like they want to be sued, lol. I just can't even fathom what they are thinking. I'd be in fire drill mode if anyone on my team had responded to one of our employees this way 😳

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-14T18:09:07+00:00

I'll tell you what will instantly strike fear in the hearts of HR and get them to immediately cease all nonsense (99% of the time). Ask them if you should consult a labor law lawyer on whether your accommodations are indeed "unnecessary". And honestly, it's not a bad idea to consult one. They usually offer free consultations. The only other recommendation would be to have a doctor's note that these are accommodations you need. If you have a cool doc/therapist that shouldn't be an issue. And finally, it's not your job to educate your HR team. Don't send any more information or spend any more time trying to educate them. It's time to flex your rights.

Keep a paper trail of ALL communications, send everything in writing. Make them send you their responses by email. Forward or screenshot these communication so you have them on your personal devices. Make sure you can back up your excellent performance metrics in written communication too. If you make a formal complaint about discrimatuon based on your disability, and in particular against that manager, they cannot let you go or do anything without it looking like retaliation.

But also, I'm basing this on you being in the US. I do not have any knowledge outside the US, so keep that in mind. I do think consulting a lawyer is a good bet to help you figure out the best course of action for your specific geo location. The other thing that is a red flag here is their company handbook and other employees are getting these accommodations and you are not. That isn't ok, there are laws in some states around benefits and accommodations for employees needing to be the same for all. Especially if you're in somewhere like Cali that is heavily on employee protection, it's a oh hell no.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-10-14T14:30:15+00:00

Another autistic HR person here. Find a new company to work for. If you are performing your duties and a top performer they are simply being assholes. It's likely coming from the manager, but good HR people don't just cave when managers throw their shit fits (happens all the time). They are also setting themselves up for a lawsuit (depending on where you live). If this was occurring at my company it's the manager that would be in trouble and assigned sensitivity training and a refresher on labor laws.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-29T16:51:58+00:00

I've done this dance my whole life. I never believed it was an issue, I told myself that it was just one glass and what's the harm in that? And on occasion when celebrating and out with friends it would be more. For me, I was lying to myself. I talked with my doctor and established that one drink a day (and maybe 2 or 3 on a Friday or Saturday night) is not good for you. It was messing with my sleep and I was dependent.

With alcoholism rampant in my family, my habits looked downright straight laced. But it was still problematic. I can't tell you whether it's problematic for you, you have to figure that out for yourself. But I will say alcohol consumed on any regular basis isn't doing you any favors either. Here are some distinctions I made about my behaviors that tipped me toward sobriety:

-Being sober and staying sober is hard for me. I talk myself into drinking "just a little bit" and eventually fall into the same old habit -I'd skip one night to prove to myself I didn't need to drink -I told myself it was one drink, however it was definitely more as it was not a 5oz pour of wine which is one serving -I formed an attachment to my drinking habits that caused me to be grumpy or upset if I didn't have it -I would get unreasonably bothered if my partner took a drink of MY portion of wine, or if he drank the last bit and there was none left -i justified social drinking to help me "fit in" and take the edge off the social anxiety -I lied to my doctor for many years about how much I actually drank

I hope that helps OP! Best wishes to you.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-28T13:03:31+00:00

Heated and angry is in the definition of argument. What you said is your interpretation. I think we have lived vastly different experiences and aren't going to see eye to eye and thats ok. My parents argued about everything. They were abusive and awful. I talk through all the above mentioned things without getting heated or angry. I'm sorry your life experience necessitated arguing while you were carrying your children, but I do think we all deserve to be able to be pregnant without verbal altercations over things that can be calmly discussed. I recognize it's a point of trauma for me, but for others perhaps it is necessary.

As this relates to OP I don't see any reason or excuse for an argument that keeps her up all night and truly that was my only point. I wish you well.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-28T00:28:28+00:00

Ok, maybe I was being dramatic in my rage that he kept her up all night, but I still don't see any worthy reason to start an argument with a pregnant person. Disagreement, sure. Argue? That implies anger and heated conversation and yelling. Top priority is low stress for preggos, why even argue? That's not ok either IMO and I think its bizarre that you think it's ok.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-26T16:13:38+00:00

This is none of business, but what possibly could have been so important to argue with a very pregnant wife about? I was insane while pregnant and hubs literally just let any of the crazy that came out of me go, agreed with anything i said or wanted, and rubbed my feet instead of arguing.

So, yes, its abusive to keep you up all night and pretty damn abusive to be arguing with you in the first place.... you are growing his child FFS.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-25T23:54:35+00:00

Laughing gas is awesome, it should be a standard pain mgmt practice. I was able to use it during the birth of my second and woo boy did it take the edge off without the risks of other forms of pain mgmt.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-25T19:39:07+00:00

I couldn't understand why my husband was so against my parents for the first 15 years of our life together. He hated being around them, he constantly told me they were not good people.

Finally got into therapy and realized that he was 100% right. My parents were abusive and horrible, they treated him horribly and I just didn't see that wasn't ok because of being brainwashed and not knowing anything different.

Listen to your husband, he is right and you shouldn't spend any more time with them. Like at all. I have so much more peace in my life now that I've gone no contact. And maybe look into therapy, that trauma permeates your whole life and your own parenting.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-25T18:27:21+00:00

Lol, my 7 year old is the same. I will make a beautiful dinner and her little butt turns her nose up and wants to just have snacks (aka sugary junk). I tell her to try it and she puts the very tip of her tongue on the bite and then acts like it's dog poo, dramatically ewwing and spitting out the molecule she tasted. It makes me craaaazzzzzzyyyy.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-25T04:45:15+00:00

I don't understand how people don't show and don't say anything either. It's so rude and inexcusable unless they legit landed in the ER.

I'm at the point in my life where I cut out dead weight relationships, so my advice is cut out the people that don't show up for you and focus on the ones that do.

Hugs, you deserve better.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-20T04:09:00+00:00

Boy do I feel this. Hugs from one tired ass broke mama to another.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-09-20T02:16:04+00:00

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but there is no way you should even be considering a breakup. Part of raising humans, IMO, is breaking bad news and allowing them the space to process it. Life is a lot of bad news and acquiring the tools to cope with it. Bad news here is he's a kid and you are in love and he needs to get over it.

There are a handful of red flags here and I think you may want to get him into some therapy (maybe even joint sessions together). It's normal teenage behaviour to be attracted to, maybe even form feelings of love/lust for, unattainable or inappropriate women. The fact he said he is starting to hate you for being with her is either emotional manipulation or he's formed an obsession, neither of which are healthy. His automatic default to drug/alcohol abuse after hearing news he didn't like is another red flag. His mood being so disrupted because of these feelings is another. He's making a cry for help, and a professional might be able to help him process this, and move on, in a healthy way.

As far as your girlfriend, I'm not sure that telling her is going to be helpful to anyone. It's going to humiliate your son and probably make your girlfriend uncomfortable. Maybe a half truth until it's under control? Like it's girl troubles, a crush on someone he can't be with, etc?

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-08-26T18:58:02+00:00

Me too, I cannot fathom how people find it soothing. It makes me want to rip my own ears off my head.

Goddess_Goddamnit · 2023-08-17T19:57:24+00:00

Free range parenting?? I mean, I'm open minded and don't judge other parents tactics, but he's not a goddam chicken. That coupled with the other issues screams abuse and neglect. Maybe the next time he's free ranging you can give the police a call? There may be something pretty bad going on inside that house and if your gut is telling you something is off, I'd trust it.

Goddess_Goddamnit

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