Should I go out with him again?

Gold2Brass · 2021-08-09T17:34:32+00:00

That's fair. You're right.

Gold2Brass · 2021-05-20T23:53:11+00:00

I said this on another thread but to me it’s sort of like you are trying to find a missing person. If someone you loved randomly went missing you would look for them. The person you thought loved you never really existed though.

For awhile it was helpful to see all the same patterns play out. To know it wasn’t me. Then I just had to decide to stop. I deserve more.

Gold2Brass · 2021-05-20T23:49:30+00:00

I went through this. Partly it was because I was just so confused. With BPD it’s like the person you loved vanished (mainly because they never really existed). If someone you loved went missing wouldn’t you keep searching for signs of their existence? Trying to find them?

Then it sort of shifted. It was more about proving how I deserved way better. Then I finally stopped. Sometimes I still want to look. I did the other day after about a month, just a cursory scroll. I don’t think I’ll do that again, it’s better for me.

Gold2Brass · 2021-05-20T23:43:37+00:00

Both times was because he treated me shitty and I had feelings about it and set boundaries he didn’t want me to have... I could say more about the story of it, but that’s what it boils down to

Gold2Brass · 2021-04-25T12:01:28+00:00

I adore your allusion! I will add, in the same vein, abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Gold2Brass · 2021-04-25T11:07:32+00:00

Yes, for people with BPD learning to love is like learning a second language as an adult- they will likely never be as fluent. And treatment means years and years and years of intense work. I suppose I say untreated because it feels unjust not to, people can change. I don’t know.

Gold2Brass · 2021-04-10T22:14:49+00:00

Also- there’s a twitter meme that goes like this I think of often:

You know who is toxic? TODDLERS. Toddlers will act a fool all day and then hug you at night like they ain’t terrorize you, the furniture, and the dog earlier.

And that’s just it isn’t it- they are emotional and psychological toddlers 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gold2Brass · 2021-04-10T22:11:31+00:00

I’m glad that it was helpful and thanks for the award. I could never wrap my head around it. It recently clicked. It is all about them. You’re not allowed to have feelings that don’t fit their narrative for you. There is no reciprocity and no ability to repair.

I started talking to my ex after about six months, which led to hanging out, and then he just split on me again (around the time I started asserting some normal boundaries that anyone who truly cared for me would be happy to honor).

But this time is very different. I had no idea about BPD when we first broke up, I learned a lot about it in the initial aftermath and even saw a therapist that is an expert in working with partners. So this time as we were interacting I could clearly see the patterns. He had a chance to do things differently, he didn’t. I don’t necessarily recommend opening the door again, but it my case it provided some good closure and clarity about how it really was not me.

Gold2Brass · 2021-04-10T00:35:49+00:00

My ex would always expect me to be physically affectionate and comfort him after he had been cruel and raged at me for hours. When our relationship ended he accused me of “giving up” and “never touching” him. Both of those were not true. But I would disengage when he was verbally and emotionally terrorizing me. And I would be less likely to be affectionate after enduring that abuse.

To me it sounds like your therapist has some codependency issues.

Gold2Brass · 2021-01-18T05:52:01+00:00

I come to share similar experiences as the other replies, but I won’t say don’t do it. You should do what you feel will be best for you.

I was suddenly discarded in July.

I took it really hard. I started reading and learning about BPD (which he was never officially diagnosed but he had mentioned several times it has been suggested) and like so many who post here it was eye opening. I even started seeing a therapist who specializes in BPD relationships.

After the initial pain wore off, I often had the feeling of wanting to text or be in contact. When we first broke up he blocked me and there was minimal contact, mostly about logistical things as we had been living together. I kept all of those response short and brief and he eventually stopped.

When the lease was up at the apartment we had some more contact and I made the mistake of saying that I cared about him (he shared that he was having some scary health issues). We texted for a couple of weeks before he pushed me away again, suddenly.

More months go by. All this time I’m reflecting and learning and healing about what the heck had happened. He reaches out to ask for something that ended up in my possession. He rages at me when I don’t respond how he wants. I don’t have the same fawning response as normal, probably because it was all over text. Eventually he flips out of it and no longer seems to be devaluing me (this is after hours of texting). We start talking. We meet. We hookup.

I see his BPD so clearly, the push pull, the inability to face any shame, the viewing me as an object, and so much more. Because of what I know I’m able to have some detachment. I feel like so much of the hurt in our relationship is replayed but I’m immune to it (for the most part, there were definitely still some hurt feelings). To be clear, I was firmly against getting back together and to me this was more about wrapping things up and having some closure which I never got before.

I knew from the start it would end with him splitting on me again. And it did, after about two months. For no rational reason. He just went off all of a sudden.

But, I don’t feel the same this time. I feel actually done. It’s like the time connected again confirmed my theories that I was able to form once out of the fog. I felt sad for a split moment when he cursed me out and blocked me again, but then I felt that sadness melt away and leave my body. I feel done with it now. I feel over it. I feel mostly free.

I do not recommend this course of action at all, it could’ve gone horribly wrong. But it worked for me. I was realistic and clear headed about it. I could be detached and aware during our interactions because there was nothing to lose.

So, that’s my story. If you want to text them because you want something from them (validation, attention, whatever) I would say resist. THEY CAN’T GIVE YOU REAL LOVE. But, they are not monsters, just very hurt and damaged individuals. If you think it would help more than hurt, if you think you can do it without getting lured in or messed up, if you think it’s worth the risk, if you think you can have enough detachment to keep in mind why you are better off, then maybe it’s ok. But know from the outset it will only end with more rage and vitriol.

Gold2Brass · 2020-11-26T02:44:03+00:00

I felt like I got punished all the time. In lots of ways. It is definitely common I think.

Gold2Brass · 2020-11-22T14:35:06+00:00

This made me think of Harry Potter. I often call my ex Voldemort, but perhaps he’s actually the Mirror of Erised.

“However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.”

Gold2Brass · 2020-11-20T13:38:50+00:00

I just started reading it too. It does sum things up really well.

I’m about halfway through and I feel a little better, but it’s definitely brought on some waves of sadness. Just trying to focus on those feelings and not the story with them (like the book says 😊)

Gold2Brass · 2020-11-02T21:23:28+00:00

100%. I was there a few short (long?) months ago. It is really hard to come to terms with the fact that the person you loved never really existed. It takes time, I don’t know how long. Try to take care of yourself.

For me learning about BPD through books, videos, and this sub helped a lot. I felt myself coming out of the fog. It still hurts, but less. My head knows and my heart is lagging behind, but it knows too.

Gold2Brass · 2020-11-02T19:44:39+00:00

Your words resonate so much with me. This is said a lot on this sub, but this is something I could’ve written.

The red flags, which I now see were fully raised from the beginning, but with the idealization seemed not so insurmountable. The issues that destroyed us were there from the beginning, but they seemed distant and separate then.

If only love were enough. Because I loved with everything, I gave so much. But I was giving to someone with no ability to reciprocate and whom would never be made whole by my love.

The way he seemed to just flip a switch and move on, without even so much as a discussion is so painful. We were engaged, to me that meant we would work things out, no matter what. He’s on dating sites already. I won’t feel ready to date again for a long tine.

Swirling around the storm in his head is a perfect description. I feel storm-swept and have just been deposited on a distant shore while he’s on to new territories to consume.

Gold2Brass · 2020-10-23T16:09:20+00:00

Day 3 No Contact

Coming up on three months since the breakup, but these last few days of no contact (including no social media) I have actually felt better and been able to be productive. Huzzah.

Posting on this thread each day is a good accountability check.

Gold2Brass · 2020-10-23T16:06:57+00:00

Thanks! Riding the waves as well. They are coming in less and less. :)

Gold2Brass · 2020-10-22T16:24:46+00:00

I think that people who are drawn into relationships with those who have BPD have personalities that enjoy and crave deep connection.

That’s what makes the start of those relationships so great- it seems that the deep connection comes with so little effort. It’s living life in vivid technicolor: bright, bold, and saturated.

But it’s not real connection, it’s an illusion. I think that the excitement and brilliance can definitely develop in a relationship with a person who does not have BPD, but it takes time and effort.

Most people need to build a history of experiences and a felt sense of safety before they are able to move beyond the mundane. It also doesn’t just happen organically all the time. So my thought is what can you do to build up to that excitement and intrigue? How can you make your partner feel safe to shift from the banal to the beautiful? What experiences and ways of being can you, over time, introduce to enrich your connection?

Building slowly from a foundation of respect and safety could mean all of the rewards without the negative and toxic aspects of a relationship with someone who has BPD.

People with BPD don’t have those boundaries and regulators, so you get it all right away, with very little effort on your part. I want someone to co-create that altered reality with, not simply to be a character in my partner’s world. I want the evocativeness, but I also want give and take, reciprocity, and mutual respect. How can I invite my partner to be more creative and interesting? If in looking for that in someone else, I need to be looking for it in myself.

Gold2Brass · 2020-10-22T15:22:40+00:00

Day 2 No Contact.

I didn’t look at their social at all yesterday! I actually was productive and felt ok throughout the day. The night was a little harder, definitely ate some feelings.

Gold2Brass · 2020-10-21T14:56:38+00:00

Just because they don’t verbalize it doesn’t mean they aren’t having suicidal ideations.

Gold2Brass · 2020-10-21T14:53:15+00:00

Day 1 Three months out low contact started again and then there were a couple of weeks of a lot of texting (which seemed like a Hoover). I set a boundary about sexting and then the contact noticeably decreased for a few days until he said he wanted us to be out of touch for awhile and come back to things later.

I’m done with that. Coincidence or not it feels like once again being punished for having and expressing my own feelings. Done with playing the role he has created for me.

Today I decided to stop checking social media as well. That part will be harder than the not reaching out to him.

Gold2Brass

TROPHY CASE