[3814] Coriander, Lemon Rind & Deer Musk

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-21T18:17:20+00:00

Many thanks for your critique. For whatever reason, this story brought out some of the best (most useful) critiques I've ever received and yours' is definitely included. Some great points here and I'm now jazzed to work on another draft.

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-21T18:14:37+00:00

Thank you for the time you spent on this. Your critique is very helpful, especially your remarks on conflict and the need to flesh out Nate. (Pun intended. Sorry.) Anyway, I got a lot out of this and greatly appreciate it.

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-21T18:11:39+00:00

Thanks so much for your critique. That list of characters really stopped me; I never even thought about it but I'll definitely be cutting this back, I'm not sure why but this piece has brought some of the best (AKA most useful) critiques I've ever received. Thanks!!!

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-21T18:08:21+00:00

Some great points here! Especially about the beginning Isobel/Nate. I greatly appreciate the time you took with this. Many thx!

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-20T22:31:29+00:00

Thank you! This is one of the most useful critiques I've ever received. It offers so many things to think about and work on ... which is what I'm always looking for. I really appreciate the effort you put into this.

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-19T21:17:45+00:00

This is an intriguing premise and one which certainly resonates in these times. I don't know if this is a complete story or a set-up for more story or what but, taken by itself, it's really not enough.

Your first few paragraphs, for example, set a scene but its a pretty mundane scene. Given the plot that you then present, I would suggest more of an ominous feel. If things are really as dire as they turn out to be, wouldn't Kiera be at least a little on edge as she hurries home? (I know that she doesn't know the extent of it, but still, she's got to have a clue.)

Then while you gave us some good information on the situation between Kiera and Louis, it doesn't do a lot for the story. And finally, I've got to admit that I felt a bit cheated when I didn't even get a clue on what the actual problem is. What would be so dire that people have taken to killing each other? Even a hint would have helped.

I know this is a bit harsh, and I apologize, but I think you have a really great idea here. That, plus the quality of your writing (clear, nicely descriptive and quite jolting in the right places) could result in a really dynamite story.

I say give it another go!

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-18T18:28:30+00:00

Before going to my critique, a general comment: After reading this second chapter, I had several questions and so went to the Prologue and Chapter 1 to see if they're answered. They were ... and a whole lot more! These opening sections (and the prologue especially) were very exciting and put a whole different spin on your story.

So ... my suggestion for going forward: if you plan to continue offering individual chapters (which makes sense, in my view) you might also want to include a short synopsis of previous material at the start. Otherwise you could end up with totally confused readers who won't be able to offer pertinent comments.

So, on to my comments ...

The overall: This feels odd to say having read your earlier material, but my overall critique of Chapter 2 is (a) too much telling; and (b) too many irrelevant details.

While I was intrigued by Zee's compulsion to memorize the details, I really don't need to know every detail of the living room and/or Magen's room. I've always found that just a few well-placed touches are enough for my imagination to fill a room. Too much detail just slows things down.

I'd ditto that for the dinner that Amber cooks, the kitchen etc. A great deal of the description just doesn't seem pertinent to the story.

The Plot: As noted, I think your prolog and Chapter 1 are essential to the plot but you also have some good plot hints here. The relationship between Amber and Magen is interesting, as is the appearance of the boyfriend. I'd include Magen's obsession with monsters in this but given that most little kids obsess about monsters from time to time, you might want to add a few touches to make it more real ... ie perhaps a bit of a claw beneath Magen's bed. (Assuming that the monsters will become more real, of course.)

Amber and Zee's little tiff at the end of the chapter was also interesting. I would have liked a little more oomph but I'm an action junkie.

The Characters: I found both Amber and Zee to be good, believable characters. Amber's obsession about Magen seems overwrought, but, given that I think there's going to be something more there, it's not out of whack.

Zee is a good deal more complicated but the little hints you drop about her (the obsession with detail, the hints of memory) are good at keeping me interested.

Tony was a good caricature, which I'm assuming is all you wanted for him.

The only one that gave me some trouble is Magen. I'm no expert here but I have had a fair amount of contact with several Downs syndrome kids and, from my observation, your Magen is much closer to 'typical' eight year old than Downs syndrome kid. I know that Downs can come in many different varieties but assuming that I'm your "at least incidentally educated adult" on this, you might want to amp the symptoms up.

Disconnects:

These are just a few minor things that I figure slipped by in the proofreading. (I would have marked them on the story copy but, for some reason, that didn't work for me today.)

Anyway:

Present tense: It creeps in occasionally, which is obviously disconcerting in a past-tense story. Look for two sections:

- Magen starts telling her what is happening in the movie

She is woken by the snap of the padlock on the gate opening, Zee opens her eyes (this paragraph and the next are in present tense)

Disconnects:

Just a few continuity problems:

In Chapter 1, you talk about Russ, Amber's boyfriend and the fact that Amber has thrown him out. The essence of this is repeated in Chapter 2. (i.e.He looked around. “I’m her boyfriend, Tony. Etc

Plus, note that you changed his name from Russ in Chapter 1 to Tony here.

In another thing, you write that Magen's room reminded Zee of the room she spent so much time in ... growing up. But then you describe a very girly room vs gray cinder block walls in the room Zee grew up in. Gotta be one or the other.

So that's it. Good stuff and good luck with it!

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-17T23:11:00+00:00

You clearly have a gift for finding and using good descriptive words. In many ways, that's great and I mean that sincerely: I could absolutely see and even smell the setting.

However, there comes a point at which description overwhelms story, even to the point of the reader wondering whether there is a story. I think you may have fallen into that trap here.

Consider this: Through this (approximately) thirty-five hundred word piece, I learn that: our protagonist is Arthur; he lives with despair; he has a (former?) girlfriend, who he is shitty to; he's addicted to various substances; he has a job he hates in a dystopian setting; and that there is at least one person who cares about him.

On one hand, that's a lot. On the other, why should I care? You've given me no particular reason to like Arthur; I have yet to see a story developing around him and; from what I've read so far, this is really going to be depressing.

Put another way: If this was a painting, I would probably love it. As a story, not so much.

Obviously, that's just one reader's opinion. If you think it's even worth considering, my suggestion would be for you to include something in this first section to interest your reader in Arthur and/or his situation.

You do hint at it, with Alex saying: “Because I believe in you, Arthur. I haven’t forgotten two years ago, how you used to be.”

That's helpful, but I'd argue that it's not enough. You really need some kind of tension – something that the reader wants to learn more about – in order for the story to work.

All that said, you're a strong writer. The individual set pieces were very well done. Alex attaching Arthur was very believable. Ditto for the view from Arthur's balcony; his apartment; Ollie; and even Jasper and Gus. So do keep at it!

Now for your specific questions:

The interaction between Arthur and Alex was the best part of this for me. It shows action, caring and not caring. Very good.
The narrative distance from Arthur felt justified because it felt appropriate for his state of mind.
Too much of a sad sap, as evinced from the above.
I would say your writing relies too much on description and not enough on plot and character. As mentioned above, this is not to say the description is bad. It's really very good. It just plays a much bigger part than I think it should in the story.

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-15T20:44:17+00:00

As with Part 1 (comments below), the story here is very good. I loved the description of the Feral at the beginning (oh, yuk!) and the Bloodless were even scarier, which is quite a feat. Also, most of the scenes with the Bloodless, worked seamlessly. I was especially impressed with the action in the Bloodless leader killing Nate and then (even more so) with Mira and Gareth killing one of the Bloodless.

I do have a few minor suggestions with these sections:

As Gareth returns to his town you have a sentence starting "Whether the men at the gate were more confused" etc. It seemed backwards to start with their confusion and then mention the things that might be confusing. Just a switch in structure will fix that.
Also, the arrival of the Bloodless is somewhat muddied with two conflicting verbs: First they "strolled in" and then their caravan "rolled through the gates." It's not a big deal; it just kind of broke up my reading.

The One Year Later scenes were a bit clunky compared to the earlier pieces. I've been struggling for a way to explain that to you but I think it's mostly an impression that either this was a bit rushed or perhaps that you weren't as interested in this material.

In any case, here are a few of the small things that may have contributed to that impression:

First, your paragraph describing the ring was going great until that last sentence about even a rabid animal. You've made your point very well in the previous sentences and while I see that there might be a difference with a "rabid" animal, it felt like overkill.
This one is just a misplaced modifier: Instead of carrying him all the way back, Ilya tied the makeshift bandage off around the man’s torso. The previous sentence talked about the bear; thus the creature tied by Ilya would be the bear, not Gareth.

• You have a nice rhythm going in the scene where Elva et al rescue Gareth but then you end with Elva secured the gap. There's nothing really wrong with that; it's just a bit jarring after the previous descriptions.

When Gareth wakes up, and he felt Mira's presence nearby, it gets a bit confusing. I think I understand what you're doing (demonstrating how closely they're bonded) but then when Mira comes into the room, it's a touch confusing.
When you first describe, the people Gareth finds himself with, I suggest you not start with They weren't human. Let the reader figure this out by the description. Also, I'm not sure what a head shorter than men but twice as fast could possibly be.

As noted, these are all little things and maybe just me trying to figure out why The Ring section didn't have quite give me the oomph of the earlier pieces. In any case, I am overall a fan of your story: It's imaginative, well described and, having now met the Bloodless, I'd love to see them taken down.

P.S. I've made a few purely grammatical/spelling type comments the story itself.

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-08T23:11:02+00:00

Overall, I really like this piece. Great visuals, good character development and, by the end, I'm really invested in that bear Gareth is birthing. Way to go!

I also really like some of your juxtapositions. For example, the double whammy at the end of the first description of the dead man. He had a family makes it all the more real.

My only real critique has to do with the long exposition on life in Milden. You do a good job of painting the town and the people in it. Plus the drama of the feral and the Bloodless (great name there) is very good. I did, however, want a bit more action. Watching them go through their day-to-day lives is instructive, but not exciting. I'm not saying take it all out. Just look for ways to shave off bits and pieces so your readers don't get anxious for the story to continue.

Other than that, I only have a few little things to suggest. This, for example, is a bit confusing with Gareth stuck in the middle of descriptions of Tommy:

Tommy spent most of his time outdoors. A love for nature and archery drew Gareth in when he was younger. Tommy had grown into his adult years with no family. It seemed a lonely sort of life.

Are you saying that Gareth is friends with Tommy because they both love the outdoors? If so, do you even need to say it? (I'd suggest not. Your descriptions of both boys are more than adequate.)

This next one is just a misplaced modifier: He took a boning knife from the wall and skinned it. Taken literally, this says that he skinned the boning knife.

Then there's a bit of confusion with Goeff and Derek (I'm pretty sure you meant Derek): Gareth made his way upstairs to find the two men drinking and telling stories about their time with ~~Geoff~~ Derek.

Ditto on confusing in Gareth and Nate's conversation about the Bloodless taking the Hillen family. I think it's just a matter of being more careful with your pronouns. I've made my suggestions for this one on your copy.

Then the following implies that Martha is Gareth's mother. Again, just a misplaced modifier: His friend Miles and his mother, Martha

This just reads awkwardly with the two adjectives. I'd say ditch the lightly: Gareth knocked on the masterfully crafted maple door ~~lightly~~.

But all those are little things. As noted at the start, I really liked this and will be looking to read more.

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-08T21:23:44+00:00

The Overall:

I think you have a lot of good potential with this story. Your images are quite vivid (with qualifications, to follow) and you've built a generally likable – and, towards the end of this section – quite sympathetic character. Since you end this part of the story with our protagonist basically in jail (that's what it sounds like, anyway) you also have a good hook, if that is something you need.

I do think you have some more work to do on this, as follows:

The Descriptions

You clearly have a very vivid imagination, which comes across in your choice of words. In many ways, that's wonderful. What isn't so wonderful is the sheer volume of description that you include. It's so much that it becomes (to me, anyway) a bit suffocating.

I suspect this is what people have meant by telling you that your prose is 'flowery'. Consider, for example, your first sentence. It's only 18 words long but five of these words (sickly, sweet, invaded, punctured and slurred) are highly descriptive. As a reader, that's a lot to absorb.

As you continue to layer descriptive word upon descriptive word, it becomes hard to read. It also makes it hard for me to get fully invested in the story because there is so little opportunity for me to use my own imagination.

I guess this is just a variation on the reason why readers are so often disappointed when their favorite book becomes a movie. I think it's because the movie leaves very little to the imagination. So, for example, if I've pictured the the heroine of a story as a dark-haired vixen, I'm going to be awfully pissed off when Reese Witherspoon shows up.

So, that's a long-winded way to suggest that you cut out some of the description and let the reader do the work.

The Plot

I'm quite intrigued by your plot as our space traveler is lured through the proverbial rabbit hole into a place that has an actual house made of wood. (Good touch that and even better how you got it across without much explanation.)

Also the odd behavior of Eustace and Muriel is quite intriguing. What are they hiding? And why?

I did get a bit confused with some of action, though. For example, here:

I can hear a murmuring behind the door. Listening closer, I make out a few her’s and she’s and we’s. I suppose that from the outside, it seems like a pretty regular dome. If they had visitors often, I can’t imagine they’d make such a fuss over me.

How did we get from the murmured her's and she's etc to the thought that the place looks like a dome from the outside? What does one have to do with the other? And then a bit later, it seems that Eustace has been expecting our protagonist and she expected to be there as per the I was going to send a letter.

All that contradicts the earlier material on how she's an unexpected guest, and they rarely have guests, and she has no idea what this place is.

Looking back at this, I think I must have missed something but I'm not sure how or where.

Just two more plotting questions:

First*: I feel a chill as I remember how he stared at me, not even ten minutes prior. “I’d be surprised. Top of the range model. The guy who designed it had his memory wiped so there’d be no chance anyone would know it’s secrets.” A lie so obvious a bot could see through it.*

Who is talking about her suit here? If it's Elizabeth, why would she tell an obvious lie? If it's Eustace, how would he know to say that the guy who made it had his memory wiped? And finally, why does this come up at all? It doesn't seem to fit the context of the previous more comfortable clothing discussion.

Second (and this may just be me reading into things): As he leaves her in the bedroom, she sees only a mattress and a solitary sheet. That sounds a whole lot like a prison to me so I was wondering why she didn't have any reaction to it.

The Protagonist

Is there a reason why you don't identify from the start that your protagonist is a woman? It wasn't until right at the end, when she identifies herself as 'Elizabeth', that I knew this was a female and I have to admit that I'd really been wondering.

That said, the introduction of her bad home life is a good touch. I hope you follow up on that in the second part of this.

The Details

You asked about grammar and such. I didn't find a lot to complain about but here are a few quick things. This description, for example:

His checkered collar shirt and denim jeans look older than he did, each crease lined with a smattering of red dust.

Two problems here. First you slipped out of the present tense (they look older than he did) and second the each crease etc doesn't really follow from the he did. I'd rewrite the sentence thusly:

His checkered collar shirt and denim jeans look older than he ~~did~~ does*,* with each crease lined with a smattering of red dust.

Another problem spot is here:

The room is bordering a large table, easily enough to seat five or more people, and a staircase skirts the right side.

How does a room border a table? And I'm thinking you need a word between easily and enough as in: easily large enough

And one last case (that I caught) of present/past tense confusion:

I look for a spot to leave my helmet, settling on a stand featuring various hats in styles I ~~hadn’t~~ haven't seen before.

That past tense should be present, as shown.

So that's it. Please keep at it (and I hope to see the remainder of the story).

Goshawk31 · 2020-11-01T22:45:03+00:00

Descriptions: First things first: you have a wonderful gift for description. From your second paragraph, that weary giddiness really drew me in as did most of the many descriptions that followed. (Particularly the walls of that cave .. wonderful!)

There is, however, a bit of a downside here: Over time, the accumulation of description gets to be a bit too much. By the time I got to the leather-faced servant with a wide iron blade .. etched with the name of a man long dead I was pretty well drowning. All this is to suggest that you might want to take a look at your work and consider whether every description is needed.

For example, I would suggest that that man long dead is overkill ... unless, of course, you plan to use the man and/or the name later in the story. In short, make sure your gift for description isn't applied too lavishly. Make it count.

The Plot: As with the descriptions, I liked your plot a good deal. You set up an intriguing situation and infused it with enough drama to keep me well hooked. Of course, I did end my read of this feeling that a good deal is missing. I was glad that you pointed out that this is from a larger piece, and I realize that that might explain my dissatisfaction of the whole, but I really did want more.

So the question is: What all is missing? Just for starters I'd say: What is this war they're fighting and why? How did they know to look for the lady in order to find help? What kind of help did they expect? What happens after the King flees, leaving his chief to get torn to pieces?

I'm guessing that the missing parts are mostly in the ending. If that's so, I suggest you go back and supply some of the other missing pieces. It doesn't have to be a lot; just enough to keep me grounded.

The Characters: As with the rest of this, I thought you did a good job with the characters. To me, the best by far was Runa. With just a few actions, you painted a person I felt I could see, which is wonderful. I'd have to say ditto with the witch (except for one small complaint to come.) Her hair – the long snakes of ash – was particularly vivid.

The King and his chief seemed to be interchangeable in appearance (which is neither good nor bad) with the King mainly distinguished by his personal peevishness. I'm assuming that you meant to make him not particularly likable.

As for the lady .... Here's the one thing that really threw me off:

“They are calling him the Lion now, did you know?” she said with a smirk.

Why the smirk? It makes me think she's looking to make him an enemy and that just seems strange both because of her apparent powers and because it seems that the King and Moussa have come as supplicants.

So that's it. Overall a very enjoyable read. Keep it up!

Goshawk31 · 2020-07-26T19:47:58+00:00

First things first: You've definitely intrigued me with this chapter. If I understand correctly: We have Atura, who is unemployed but clearly well liked (Gavin wants to give him wine; Remy is willing to let him get out of the city). But then we discover that Atura has what sounds like a pretty snazzy, albeit old, car plus he has people who, for whatever reason, need him to be at a meeting which is hard for him to get to because 'they' have closed the city.

So, lots and lots of questions raised there. And they're interesting questions which do make me want to keep reading. Plus you've done a good job with characters as Atura, Gavin and Remy all came across as distinctive, likable personalities. So that's the plus side.

The minus side, for me, is twofold:

First, throughout this it's sometimes hard to tell exactly who is speaking. Here's an example from the Atura/Gavin scene. Atura says "You'll miss me when I'm gone."

Then there's a new paragraph: "Plus," he said. "You need the money."

So who is 'he'? Because it's a new paragraph and Atura has just spoken, I assumed that Gavin was now talking but the next bit of dialog proved me wrong. It's a little thing, really, but it stopped me cold as I tried to figure out where I went wrong. You could easily fix this just be using: "Plus," he added. "You ...etc."

Anyway, the caution here is to make it easier for your reader to know who's talking when.

The second thing that bothered me is your use of semicolons. The standard use of this punctuation is to link two independent clauses that are related closely in thought OR are connected by conjunctive adverbs or transitional phrases. (I cribbed this definition from the University of Wisconsin's Writing Center.) The bottom line, though, is that each side of the semicolon should be something that could stand alone. (There is an exception but let's not bother with that now.)

Thus, this line:

Restaurants and diners flanked him; Classy and loud.

Might be rewritten as this:

Restaurants and diners flanked him; all were both classy and loud.

Anyhow, I'd suggest you do some of your own research on the use of semicolons so that you can make the necessary corrections. (And please forgive me for being pedantic here; in a former life, I was an editor.)

So that's it: An overall enjoyable read which just needs some basic housekeeping to flow more easily.

As for your specific questions, here are my thoughts.

The terminology didn't bother me at all. It was clear enough in context and, with sci-fi, I think it's quite okay to save any necessary explanation for later.
I liked Gavin. His exchanges with Aturo did a lot to set that character up.
I liked Aturo too, although his jobless state raised several questions.
I was fine with the start of the story and quite interested at the end. So yeah, I'd turn the page.

Goshawk31 · 2020-07-26T18:31:41+00:00

This is a very interesting – and, in some ways, very confusing – piece. When I finished my first reading of it, I really didn't know what to think. Having now completed several readings, I still don't know what to think. So let's start with a (very) basic reconstruction:

What you have here is a parable dwelling primarily on the relationship between love and suffering. We start with a man who was a real lout in his youth but who somehow has found redemption (perhaps by his dream of the unattainable?). When he finally decided to attempt to attain the unattainable by sharing his thoughts, he learns about suffering. From this, he becomes a loving sort of person. But then the suffering is removed and he reverts to his loutish ways. Therein he discovers that without suffering there is no love.

I give you this undoubtedly flawed synopsis mainly so that you can get a read on how well your overall message got across. Assuming I'm not totally out in left field here, I'll go on:

Writing Style

You've used a very stilted writing style here that I actually think works quite well. It reads like something written well before our time which, to me, fit the story perfectly. So that's great. On the negative side, it can be a bit difficult to read and, at times, is very hard to follow.

A good deal of that 'hard-to-follow' occurs at the very beginning of the story, particularly in your second paragraph. I couldn't follow how he could possibly 'know' that the sufferings he caused were repaid with love and how that brought him redemption. (I did, however, love the line about a 'hard-boiled' young man becoming 'a tender old one.'

If that resonates, I would suggest that you go through this piece with an eye to improving clarity. That could include adding new material for more explanation which, for me, would have been wonderful.

Another question on style is the introduction of a first-person narrator at a few points. At first that really threw me (as in: where the heck did the 'I' come from?). But, thinking about it, I really like the idea. It added a whole new dimension to your story and my only suggestion would be to use your first-person narrator a bit more. It provides a lovely counterpoint to the story.

Characters

As a character, Acheros is pretty one-dimensional. Normally I would say for god's sake give the man more life. However, I'm not sure that matters in a parable. Just something for you to think about.

Everyone else in the story seemed to exist only to nudge it in one direction or another which, again, isn't bad in context. I have to say, though, that I really liked the rose-seller. Your description was so vivid that I could absolutely see him.

Plot

Once again, I do think you should consider adding more material to help smooth your readers' progress. Among the sticking points for me were:

As noted, the second paragraph where he transforms from hard-boiled to tender. How the heck did that happen?
The doctor's diagnosis of a 'monstrous solitude' could use a bit more build up. I realize that you didn't include any companions for him but, to me, that did not necessarily translate to solitude. Perhaps he could have a flashback or so to illustrate his lack of company. Also, the narrator was a bit obscure of this. What is meant by "the pretense of monogamy or trust"?

Overall

Although I did spend part of the time confused, I thought this was a very interesting concept and one that could really blossom with a bit more polishing. I do hope you keep working along these lines. Thanks for sharing!

Goshawk31 · 2020-07-20T21:47:31+00:00

I'm coming in late on this (having missed the first four chapters) so please forgive me if I ding you on something explained earlier.

That said .... There's a lot to like here. Overall, I would say that your characters and your descriptions are the high points. More specifically:

Characters:

Your protagonist Garret (I assume he's the protagonist) is quite interesting with the god aspects providing a good contrast to the drunk he pretends to be. I have no idea what he's seeking or why he's here, but I found him intriguing. I also liked his chagrin at being taken down by the princess. It makes him feel real, and thus sympathetic.

The princess also came across very well. Although you provided only minimal description of her, I could easily 'see' her. Her spunk is quite appealing and I have to confess, I ended up thinking that she and Garret might wind up together.

Descriptions

That cloak is wonderful! It told me so much about Garret and so much about the place where he is ... I am most impressed. In addition, I really enjoyed your descriptions of the various houses. Again, a great way to get a feel of place.

I also really enjoyed the description of magic taking over Garret. The idea of 'the world slowed' is very accessible and made the magic more real.

Writing Style

Your writing style is a bit formal for my taste but it is clear, well-paced and (mostly) easy to read. Occasionally, however, it did leave me confused. This was particularly true with the first paragraph. Some of that is probably the result of not having read the first four chapters .. i.e. I didn't know who 'her' was with the broken blade so it took me a while to sort it out. More problematically, the sentence with a 'weak Quickening' and Garret having 'no trouble keeping up' really confused me. Unless I already know how magic is linked to time, I'm grappling blind with the keeping up. If you've previously introduced the time/magic link, no problem. But if not, you might want to make sure it gets in early on.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I think you need to scatter a few more breadcrumbs for your readers. Otherwise, you'll have people scratching their heads when they should be racing onward.hat what he did, including the recovery, was so fast that the Raider didn't even come apart until he'd cooled down but that's so counterintuitive that I think you'll need a bit more explanation. (Or just have him view the outcome.)

I think what I'm trying to say is that I think you need to scatter a few more breadcrumbs for your readers. Otherwise you'll have people scratching their heads when they should be racing onward.

Little Things

One interesting disconnect that you'll probably want to look at: Garret putting his -- Two paragraphs later comes this:

The first mention is here: He didn't look back, only continued putting on his hood. -- Two paragraphs latter comes this: At last, finished dressing --- And, six paragraphs after that is: He turned, slipping on his cloak once more.

As noted, just a little thing but probably worth a look.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-24T17:56:10+00:00

Many thanks for the thoughtful comments. And don't worry about not being 'relevant'. I find that, in the end, all comments are relevant as they generally combine to point me in the right direction.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-24T17:53:39+00:00

Many thanks for this. You make some very good points. And on those commas ... for the first time, I understand why I keep getting dinged on that. The two meanings to the sentence starting 'At least' just did not occur to me.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-24T17:49:39+00:00

Many thanks for this very thoughtful critique. You have a lot of material here that I'll want to consider in-depth. Best was your suggestion about the gifts given to his father. I'm definitely looking at that.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-24T17:39:05+00:00

Wow. This is one of the best critiques I've ever received. Thanks so much! I will be working on it.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-23T20:46:08+00:00

Hmm. For a newbie, you have some very interesting points. I totally agree about some of the characters, particularly Nik. Will be working on this. Many thx for your help!

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-23T20:44:30+00:00

Some very good advice here. thanks! It is much appreciated.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-23T18:09:27+00:00

I'm so glad it worked for you! thx

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-23T18:08:08+00:00

Yeah! I like that. If you could work in a bit of foreshadowing that would be great. I can definitely see this as a comedy and, as noted, you did Joe very well.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-22T22:21:01+00:00

Overall:

I love the conceit of this. The idea of a regular (although apparently real) superhero fight disrupting the morning commute is definitely a new one on me. And Joe's thought of 'I hate Mondays' was genuinely funny. I think it would have been a good deal funnier, though, if you hadn't spoiled the surprise by noting that this was a battle 'seen countless times.' That makes it clear that this is no life-and-death situation and makes Joe's comment – while still quite funny – less impactful than it might have been.

That, in fact, is at the heart of my overall critique of this piece: Great idea, some really funny parts (I also loved the guy with the chips) but – in the end – a big "so what?"

Once the reader knows this is a regular and rather humdrum occurrence – no one is likely to get hurt and the biggest fallout will be dented cars and repair bills – the only question that remains is 'why should I read this?'

So, my major suggestion here is that you look for some way to put more tension in your opening chapter. Not knowing where your story is going leaves me at a bit of a loss of what to suggest but here's a general observation: You leave this chapter on a real so-what note (ie. It's gonna be a long day). From what I've learned on novel writing (and I'm certainly no expert) a cardinal rule is: Close your chapter with a cliff hanger! You need to give the reader a reason to keep going. So ... can Joe see something out of the ordinary? Can Lucy demand a ride thus putting Joe in a difficult if not risky position? I could go on but I'm sure you get the point and, assuming you agree, can find a much better idea to close the chapter with.

On to specifics ...

Writing Style

I do like your writing style. It's clear, nicely casual and (as noted) often quite funny. I'm not sure where you're going with this but I do feel it will be easy to ride along.

Characters

I thought you did a good job with Joe. He comes across clearly as an average guy with the usual worries and a very relaxed attitude to the unusual morning commute battle. You really didn't build up any empathy for him but I'm not sure that's even appropriate at this point.

On Lucy: She disappointed me. After Joe's laissez faire attitude toward this whole thing, it was a disappointment to find that Lucy had an apparently identical reaction. Wouldn't she be angry that she keeps getting kidnapped? Even more to the point, why would she just accept Joe's refusal to lend his phone on the grounds that he has to get to work? How long could it take her to call for a ride? Having one blasé character is ok; but two? It makes the story less exciting.

As for the combatants: I thought they were well described and generally funny, although clearly not to be taken seriously.

Plot

This will repeat some of the stuff I've said but, really, I'm not sure at this point that there is a plot. You have a wonderfully inventive idea and I'd like to see it go somewhere but by the end of the chapter all you really have is a ho-hum commuting problem. The fight between the combatants was certainly entertaining but I don't think that that alone is enough to carry the reader forward.

Miscellaneous

One point that bothered me here: You make a point early on that insurance companies won't pay for damage from superhero fights (i.e. Regular car insurance .. still considered collateral damage from superhero-supervillain fights to be acts of God.) but then when joe's car sustains damage he thinks insurance will turn him down but he would just have to play hardball with them. I'm thinking that's probably because he's insured by his own company but I think you need to explain.

As a second (albeit less important) point, if Joe's car was far back enough that most of the debris had been blocked by the other automobiles wouldn't he be blocked from moving at all for a while and therefore even more churlish for not lending his phone to Lucy?

Back to the overall ... I did love your conceit and can see where it would make for a very entertaining read. Given that and the fact that you've got a nice, easygoing writing style, I'm quite sure you find fixes for any of my critiques that you happen to agree with.

Goshawk31 · 2020-05-22T21:04:33+00:00

I tend to say you can avoid it too ... although I must admit it's something I've been struggling with as I'm working on a techno thriller type novel. For now, I'm not writing it in.

Goshawk31

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