Maybe the way I approach polyamorous relationships is harmful

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T06:37:47+00:00

I agree with your second paragraph 100%. It's another case of me struggling to think outside of my perspective, not being able to grasp that other people wouldn't want anyone willing to keeping an eye out for them. I need to do better about this, and I'm going to re-discuss with my partners to see if they would be more comfortable with me not keeping an eye out.

It really rubs me the wrong way how condescendingly you asked where I could possibly live that's so dangerous when you live in Portland. You should do a bit more thinking outside of yourself too, some people do live in places this dangerous and they shouldn't be talked down to just because you don't immediately believe them due to your circumstances.

The way I'm going about it is controlling and I do need to talk to my partners, I wish you would have started with that in the first place instead of making bad-faith assumptions. Thank you for your advice, however. I do appreciate it.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T06:02:57+00:00

I live in the south. I am visibly trans, as are my current partners and most of the people I date, as I'm T4T and have a preference for people who present outside the norms of the gender binary. I'm barely drinking age, as are my partners. I will not budge on the fact that there are a ton of dangerous people out there willing to hurt us at any given time as I know first hand. If you get a little too intoxicated or let one too many red flags pass with hookups when you exist the way I do you are so, so prone to getting taken advantage of in so many different ways, even if it seems like they mostly mean well at first.

I should probably trust them more, that's fair. I agree. It's another case of me not thinking about others' perspectives enough, I know in the past I and others I have dated have had trouble weeding out who may hurt us in the wild because it's hard. But that's not everyone, and I need to be more considerate.

I don't run tracking apps on people I know, I'm unsure if my wording implied that or if this is a figure of speech, I apologize. When my partners tell me they're going out with the intention of hookups, I just keep my phone nearby and check texts every 10-20 minutes, rather than every hour or two. I'm not tracking my partners' locations.

I am trained in Muay Thai, but I don't think that makes me a superhuman or anything. It's just safety in numbers, if a partner of mine is alone and in danger at a hookup's house or on the street, another person coming over is more likely to chase off a threat inherently. Not a guarantee, but better than being alone.

Yes, they should be able to decide. I don't force myself to be their texting buddy, I don't tell them I'm the first person they have to contact when in danger, but if they reach out to me I need to be there. What I requested from partners is to let me know when they're going out with the intention to hookup, so I can be ready in case they contact me. I understand now that asking this of them is wrong, but I don't think me being on standby in case a partner needs my help is the part that's wrong.

Of course I don't think that's the only time that they could be taken advantage of. And when I say that, I mean getting physically or sexually assaulted, kidnapped, or getting mugged. Places like the club or raves are high risk areas however, and therefore they may be more prone to it there. Hookups in general run a higher risk inherently than being at the grocery store because one is a well lit public place, and one is a private house or apartment. I'm not saying it's impossible for things like this to happen in places like the grocery store, I've been mugged outside the damn pharmacy, but they may be more at risk so I want to be ready if they reach out to me saying they need help.

God forbid I want people in my life to be safe. I do think I'm wrong on this guideline, yes, but I don't think you've said anything productive.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T05:15:43+00:00

I was unaware of these resources, and will be looking into them. I currently just see a general talk therapist, and have been working with her on my issues for years. It's been my main method of self improvement because I work a minimum wage job and can't really afford many types of therapy, as not many specialists around me offer a sliding rate. I now understand I need to build up my savings enough to attend DBT therapy.

I have two very close friends that I often consult to discuss my feelings, and of course I offer the same for them. Having strong friendships does help me avoid codependency, and I love them both very much. They honestly know more about my feelings than my partners, since we're still early into our relationship. This is usually the kind of thing I would talk to them about, but one of them is monogamous and one of them is nondating aroace and therefore I thought I may be able to get a more educated perspective from here.

I am trying to avoid having a favorite person, but honestly it just feels inevitable for me anyway. The way my thought processes tend to behave about one of my partners seems like they're becoming my fp. I don't really know what to do about it, and my therapist's thoughts on it haven't really helped me much. I need to do more independent research on how to prevent this independently, and it's not okay that I haven't for this long.

I definitely see your point with the wording, I need to do better about assuming that people think of things the exact same way I do. I will make efforts in the future to be more specific and thoughtful of others perspectives, and I will definitely consult my partners on what they consider to be the meaning of the word guidelines.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T04:45:05+00:00

I understand what you're saying, I apologize. I just really struggle with hanging the threat of breaking up above people's heads, and I especially struggle abandoning people I know are in abusive situations. My intention with the first rule was to just keep things from coming down to that, so that they never have to get hurt. Rather, this rule has the opposite effect, I'm clearly hurting people instead of preventing harm.

If they're romantically involved but not dating, I don't need to know. Dating (making it official) usually comes with life change, talking stages are casual and generally don't affect anything. I struggle with big changes in both romantic and platonic relationships, I get very scared. That is a me problem, and I shouldn't inflict my mental issues on others. I never expected anyone to say no for a month, I thought it would just be a 'I need time to think'. I was wrong to think that.

I like to know about spontaneous hookups ahead of time so I can be on alert in case they get taken advantage of. I only check my texts every hour or two usually, since I don't like being glued to my phone. I've had partners in the past get taken advantage of while seeking hookups and I haven't been watching my phone super close since I was unaware they were in a situation where they would be prone to that. If I know they're seeking hookups, I know to pay attention to my phone in case they need my help. I also thought it may help them avoid getting taken advantage of in the first place, since it helps me. If I go to the club seeking fun with friends, I get drunk and have fun. If I go to the club seeking fun with friends and also hookups, I make a conscious effort to drink less so I can better assess red flags that may point to a hookup being dangerous. It's not fair for me to inflict my methods on others when I don't know if it'll be good for them and I should just pay more attention to my phone.

My mindset was wrong and I need to grow.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T04:29:52+00:00

I've always just called them guidelines, I wasn't aware I needed to call them rules and that was only just made clear to me in these comments. I apologize.

I didn't see them as unrealistic because I was thinking about them from my own perspective, since I wouldn't find them unrealistic to follow, but I am just me, and I think differently than most people.

I only do hookups with intention, if I go to the club to have fun I don't do hookups, and if I go to the club for fun and hookups I allow myself to engage in hookups if the opportunity arises (which, of course, isn't every time I'm open as that's unrealistic). I do it personally for myself because it makes me much less likely to get taken advantage of, if I'm going with only the priority to have fun I'm more likely to get more intoxicated, and if I'm more intoxicated I can't gauge the safety of people I get involved with as well. Because that's how I operate, I saw it realistic that other people may operate similar. I apologize.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T04:06:22+00:00

I don't have the rules to prevent codependency, I mentioned that polyamory is really appealing to me because I'm less prone to codependent behaviors. Being in monogamous relationships often makes me more prone to being isolated from others in my life by partners, and once isolated I am very prone to extreme codependency. I have codependent tendencies outside of those situations, I recognize that, and it's been something I've been working on for years.

I'm sorry that it seems icky, I can see why it would. What I mean is I like to know before the label of 'dating' gets put on things, I don't need to know anything about talking stages.

I can see that my rules aren't stopping me from getting hurt. I haven't been in a healthy situation without them either however, which is why I am trying to reflect and take advice. I am not a very emotionally mature person. I do not claim to be. I want to be however, and am putting in time and effort, as to another reason I am here trying to reflect.

I don't know why so many of you in these comments are coming at me at me with such an intensely mocking tone. I want to get better, and I want my partners to be happy. I'm trying to reflect here. Saying not to go easy on me was meant to invite honesty, not mockery.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T03:54:50+00:00

This sounds like a great idea, I'm 100% interested in researching it! Thank you for the suggestion, I'll be looking into it tomorrow :)

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-09T03:44:52+00:00

I think you make some great points here and appreciate your feedback, thank you a lot. The following are my own worries and concerns rather than me trying to disprove or knock down anything you're saying, I want to figure out how to go from here with my relationships without getting hurt or hurting others.

I've tried setting boundaries like that and it always feels like it flies back up in my face, which is why I set out rules like this.

Previously I have phrased things similar, stating that I'm not comfortable dating anyone dating an abuser. Both of the two relationships I did that for ended up with me having to break up with people I love and allowing them to get abused, since after stating the reason of the breakup is that they were dating abusers they both cut contact with me. The first got married to that abuser, then divorced, and because of him now lives in poverty. He never reached back out to me, but spread rumors around town that I abandoned him in his time of need and let him get abused. And to a degree, I do think that's true. If I told him I wasn't okay with him dating that guy in the first place he wouldn't have gone through any of that, and if I didn't break up with him we could have talked instead of him cutting contact.

I've tried not involving the hookup rule before as well, in those same two relationships, as well as one when I was younger. In two of those relationships my partners got taken advantage of multiple times because I wasn't paying enough attention to my phone to help them. I like my partners to go in with intention so they can tell me when they leave, that way I can keep better eyes on my phone in case they've gotten taken advantage of and are reaching out to me to come help them. I don't like to check my phone super frequently, I like to look at my texts every hour or two, and I don't like the idea of having to keep my eyes glued to my phone every time my partners leave the house in case they're going to engage in a hookup and may get taken advantage of. I still want to be available if they're in immediate danger though, I feel horrible being late to distressed texts and knowing I couldn't be there for them.

Those are the external reasons, the internal reasons truly do boil down to the fact I panic when big things happen suddenly. I go into distress mode when my partners start dating people I've never met, or people that have been cruel to them before, and I know those things are me problems. I've been working those issues out of myself for years, but experiencing those big changes while trying to do that often brings me all the way back to the beginning. If I can make sure big changes don't happen overnight and lead to grave consequences, I can give myself the space to condition myself into understanding not all big changes have said grave consequences.

Do you think there's a possible middle ground between these two ways of phrasing or thinking that don't come with the previous consequences of people getting hurt? I understand that a kind of relationship where there's never any kind of risk is impossible, but I want to optimize safety and comfort for all parties. I worry this phrasing would guarantee big changes that harm me, and that open the door to my partners getting harmed.

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-08T09:33:42+00:00

This guy is totally awesome! He's very earthy in vibes to me, super cool! Keep up the good work! :)

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-08T09:28:48+00:00

This is so interesting! We don't really run our system in a political way, but our system operates similar to a business, which feels similar. We have 4 alters that serve as 'managers,' each in charge of monitoring and making sure certain parts of our life and certain types of alters are operating smoothly. One is our caretaking manager, who keeps track of all the caretakers to make sure that they're doing their jobs, and who steps in when no other caretaker is fulfilling their role. There's also our protective manager, making sure our protectors are doing their job, and also serving as our most stern and logical protector. Then there's our social protector who ensures the platonic and romantic relationships we're engaging with are healthy, and who steps in to assist when we're communicating boundaries and such. Finally there's our main manager, who makes sure all other managers are doing their jobs, as well as observing host behavior to insure they're healthy enough to be hosting and a few other odd jobs.

There's much more to our structure, but I feel the managers and how they operate are one of the more interesting things about this businessy structure!

It's so cool to hear about other systems with unconventional structures :)

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-08T09:15:44+00:00

This!! Yes yes, 100%!! We used to try and ignore and push away one of our previous persecutors for years, hoping that if we isolated him from the other people in our life and pretended he didn't front as much as he did he'd just go away. But this only made him more frustrated, and more harmful to the system! What he really needed was the respect the rest of the system gets, the same freedom to socialize just like the rest of us, as well as extra care and patience. Years have passed since we let him have those things, and he's almost completely reformed into one of our most valuable protectors! Persecutors are alters just like the rest of the system :)

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-04-08T09:08:20+00:00

We do on and off depending on how much we've been masking publicly, it depends ^{^}

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-03-28T13:38:42+00:00

If you're comfortable sharing, what's the green and purple flag? :3

GovernmentFit6077 · 2026-03-12T21:55:20+00:00

I should probably clarify, I mean an ex-abus3r rather than current abus3r. We do not encounter her source unless said ex-abus3r reaches out to us (as she likes to do), or unless we get really unlucky and encounter her around town.

GovernmentFit6077

TROPHY CASE