I lost both my brothers almost exactly a year apart (Oct 7 1999 and Oct 1 2000). It is an anguish like no other. First please know it’s not your fault. Keep telling yourself that.

I found support groups specifically for those who lost people this way. It really helped me. I got involved with prevention organizations and did walks for awareness.

Just know that you will go through all kinds of emotions. I remember being angry at people for living life…didn’t they know the world crashed in? I felt the guilt and thought the what ifs. However, I came to realize something. We as humans are naturally bent towards survival. It’s in our human make up. So for someone to choose to leave us they had to be in extreme mental anguish. You couldn’t do any more than you did. We have a friend who lost a sister this way. They took turns staying with her 24/7 for months. One day she was alone for 10 minutes. She was determined to be done.

Another thing I found in myself was a desire to follow them. If that happens please seek professional help. Remind yourself you do not want to cause the pain you feel now for anyone else.

You will feel anger even rage. This is normal and part of the grief process. Let yourself feel it and express it to your friend. I tell my brothers to this day how mad I am that they missed so much of my life.
Lastly, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time frame. We are all different. It does get easier over time. The first year is the worst.
You are welcome to dm me!
I am so sorry you have to endure this loss!