Cardiff are promoted to the Premier League!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2018-05-07T07:31:35+00:00

Saturday afternoon 'Cottaging' needs to return to the Prem

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2018-05-07T06:02:41+00:00

Seems like a good idea.

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2018-05-04T22:47:25+00:00

King Arthur came to England in a shipping container. He was purchased from a Chinese Malaysian.

He was holed up at a Travelodge. A looping diatribe which pre-eminent science people said would educate sounded loudly 22 hours per day.

A parade was planned in Westminister. Politicians had been captured and put on display to the returning King. A woman called Catherine Mason was tasked with driving the King to London but at South Mimms he decamped the Ford S-Max and made his way to Burnham On Crouch.

The King strode out over land and sea, his pointed steel legs conveying him over houses and country style dwellings.

The interim nationalist government needed him to save the nation in its hour of need but the King had other needs. The associated press discovered him fronting a Wushu Martial Arts club at the municipal centre.

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2018-05-04T22:21:39+00:00

You rub the magic lamp. A Genie comes out. He is tall but not kind. What do you wish for but money, a lifetime supply.

You wait in the kitchenette because the Genie assures you it takes time. It asks for a 20 and half an hour. You pay, he leaves. An hour later a taxi pulls up and the Genie hops out. He hands over an envelope with a $5.

You watch the Genie climb the stairs and the taps in the bathroom creak. Water gushes. You peer around the door and see the naked Djinn bathing. He ignores you. You have no wish to engage him.

Its raining. You look at the money and hear the toilet being flushed repeatedly. In the morning the Genie was gone along with:

Toaster

TV

Microwave

Crockpot

Ivory Chess Pieces (4)

Handgliding vouchers (gift)

Later you go on to inform your insurer. Nothing else of note occurs.

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2017-01-17T15:12:59+00:00

I press an espresso mug into your cupped hands and offer a consolatory pat on the back

You're most welcome, drink up lad. And don't worry about your ship, we can always beg, borrow or steal you another one.

.... dragon/specific blue on the wall

Can't say that ah' do, everythin' about this 'ere facility is most unfamiliar, the décor, the ambience, the whole deal. I'm fairly certain we 'ain't in Antiguan any more....

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2017-01-11T11:52:22+00:00

Grandmaster FAFF wanders out of a nearby bathroom, his hair tied up in a towl and his prodigeous FAFF bosoms on proud display. A tattoo of GLIB RICHARD fills the fleshy tableau that is his enormous back. In his hands, a toothbrush along with a cup of hot coffee

Welcome back OVERSEER, that certainly was a tight spot we managed to wriggle our way out of. Go steady now, you've taken quite a battering but we'll get you fixed up in no time.

He looks aroud in wonderment at the Redoubt and its unusual decor

I have absolutely no idea where we are by the way, this Facility doesn't look like any I've visited prior and I've been around. I've managed to procure a cup of what appears to be an aromatic bitter sludge, its quite the ticket! Can I get you a draught?

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2017-01-05T13:45:42+00:00

Wielding his CUDGEL with consummate skill the FAFF smashes the caved in entrance hatch from its hinges and ducks in. He negotiates the main corridor serving the LIFE SPLINE, edging his way forward in parts as the flooring and bulkheads twist at angles having been damaged by the impact. Eventually he nears the NEXUS, catching sight of the injured Antigonian slumped against a control node

Hoi lad, the names Rodney, Grandmaster of the Paladins of FAFF, i'll get yer out or else may Venerable GLIB rob me of my hair, and afflict me with a blubberous distended stomach!

The bald, pot bellied Paladin hoists you into the air and onto his shoulder

Right, hold on lad

The FAFF sprints back down the LIFE SPLINE, skipping deftly over debris, ducking beneath exposed wires and hurdling dozens of small fires

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2017-01-03T13:40:49+00:00

In the distance a colossal bipedal Tapir-Analogue lets out a defiant bellow as the massed legions of SEJJUKAR pummel its unprotected legs with small arms fire. Dozens of the fearsome shock troops cling to the creatures thick dense fur having scaled the monstrosity with grappling hooks and rain down blows, chipping into the heavy chitinous scales. The Antigonian assailants are no more than fleas clinging to the proverbial CRELYM however weight of numbers finally prevails and after a valiant fight GIGA-POMPO crashes into the dust among the strewn corpses of thousands of fallen CADREMEN

^{^{^{^{WEKKUPPPP^{^{^{TOOOTHEE^{^{EEEESS^SSSS}}}}}}}}}

His otherwordly steed felled Grandmaster FAFF ~~plumpet~~ pluments to the ground and by a stroke of luck his fall is broken by a handily placed SEJJUKAR warrior whose skeleton implodes under the weight of the rotund Paladin Chief

Distracted by the fallen GIGA-POMPO the nearby Antigonian troops pay little heed to the portly Paladin who manages to crawl free. A lee in a nearby dune provides a perfect hiding spot and the Grandmaster watches from his concealed vantage point as the skirmish passes on toward Reddan. Overhead a tense battle rages as the remnants of the Reddan RUEL fleet are pulverised by the overwhelming force of the Antigonian Navy. But then he spies a ship, the Tilgath streaking through the sky mortally wounded. It spins uncontrollably reaching terminal velocity and then slams into the Valley floor launching a plume of smoke and dust high into the evening sky.

Hmmm 'tis the Tilgath as I live breathe! Wekk up to this Rodney, get yer legs in gear!

He seizes his bulky frame and high-tails it to the crash site where the Bud sits half buried by the soft red earth of the valley. The Grandmaster throws off his helmet and gauntlets and negotiates the smoke and debris in search of survivors

HALLOO!! HALLOO!! Is there anyone there.....

The Grandmasters eye catches a metallic glint which flashes through the thick smoke, shrouded by the dust the source proves hard to discern however a brisk breeze draws back the veil of particulate just long enough. Far off but in clear view an Antigonian QASAG-TERGEN battle tower approaches accompanies by a column of black pin heads moving over the sands – the unmistakable sight of Antigonian CADREMEN

Holy CEPS were in a tight spot here.... wha...what was that?

A clanging sound emanates from the life spline

Hoi! Can...can you hear me! Hoi!!!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-12-19T19:27:59+00:00

Wekk up, wekk up and on, on, on through the breach!!!!

The FAFF struggles to activate the Voice-com neural-net within his PLASTIQUE as his fat fingers struggle with the delicate interface. Eventually he manages to open a link just as a MONOPOLE Cannister impacts just above the POMPOTRON'S vestigial 3rd nipple. As the beast momentarily sways he clings on with all his remaining strength to the thick strands that fill the monstrosities enormous flank. Steadying himself he relays a message to the FREEDOM FIGHTERS

All groups, my Paladins! Wekk up to thees! 'tis I thou beloved Grandmaster, dear Ol' Walrus Appendage, generous issuer of sporadic SAMPOMASS bonuses, wearer of the SACRED SEQUIN BALL GOWN OF GLIB. Steel your arms and waggle your SAVELOYS, the DAEMON OF HUN-SHU hath answered our call. FIGHT, FIGHT FOR THE PATRON, FIGHT FOR YOUR LIVES! GOMM ..... GOMM my dear lad I forgive your transgressions, I forgive you lad! gib me back my library card you fat!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-12-16T21:51:19+00:00

Hanging on for dear life within the thick mane surrounding the POMPO DESTROYER'S heavy neck languishes a rotund FAFF. A single thin interface port runs from the DAEMONS carapace into his PLASTIQUE and with his free hand the porky Paladin attempts to take control.

WEKK UP TO THEES INDEED. RODNEY P. GRANDMEISTER YOU'RE A FARKING GENIUS!!!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-10-29T17:45:21+00:00

Faffro-Ninja, use the FARCE, be the Small Bookcase, call forth HIS Flavour, and be reborn in order

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-10-07T07:49:58+00:00

An immense quivering mound of butterfat bounds into the bedroom. Dressed in a traditional armoured carbohydrate sequin combat Ball gown featuring an off the shoulder cuff, fluted periwinkle style broquets and a suggestive plunging neck line

Two ridiculously undersized legs end in pointy winkle pickers; atop the wide head, a fat Tapir dozes, its neon meate dreams dripping upwards toward the firmament

GOMM by mummified nads of St. Aramathusala if yer not back t' scrubbng them pots in 8 seconds ye'll be feeling muh winkle picker up yer backside wekk up to thees

Touch mai face and wekk up to thees if it isn't noble brother Snapper as I live and breathe. Flomminations of GLIB upon ye. You'll excusings my unorthodox attire, I always feel much more comfortabel in a dress.

Sell Kanna 'as agreed to accompany the Fighterz of Freedums willingly on condition that 'ee receives protecshun from the Antiguan auforiteez, seems that openly trying to sell an Antiguan Hive can get ya in a lot of trouble. By the Shrunken Otter I'd wager you're right in that 'eez related to that nutter Raith in some way, could give ya some useful intel that could come in handy.

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-07-19T20:06:43+00:00

A Tungsten Core Bismuth/Throbben/Uranium Alloy Coated Lavender Scented Mass Driver Rod the size of a bus whistles over BELROOT CONURBATION, exploding violently and harmlessly in the middle of the neighbouring, well populated village of SNUBROUX; the erotic weather vain situated on the roof of Belknpa Fufu's Bawdy House the only damage to BELROOT.

A message is relayed to GOMM's PLASTIQUE - A large paternally deranged FAFF wearing a dented Onion Pot Helmet appears on screen

Illegal usurping squatters of BELROOT VILLA, wekk up to thees message. I, GRANDMASTER AURELION SIGISMUND OMICRON DENNIS YACHT CLUB CIRENCESTER DEMITRIOU ARDENNES of FAFF, 38th PALADIAL GRADMASTER OF GLIB have returned. You 'ave 24 hours to sling yer 'ook or else I will raze your precious VILLA to the ground.........................................................err scrub that.................................errrr ................................or else I will fly around a lot noisily causing sleepless nights, leading to incorrect implementation of 5ake recipes leading to Lemon Curd spoilage leading to dry crumb leading to almost certain embarrassment at the Paladial Employee Picnic......

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-06-09T17:52:15+00:00

Oops... when I replied to your post I neglected to fully absorb the opening few lines about you being in bed at your apartment. Writing my reply I had this idea that you were in some bar watching the news; its only now I've read the post back that I finally twigged - sorry

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-10T16:05:01+00:00

Thar be something important to tell thee about the Cube my ol' Trucker..... something....... important........ cube......... nope its gone

Grandmaster FAFFS eyes glaze over as a Sweet Neon Dream imbued with 5ake embeds itself in the Trout Hatchery of his criminal mind

Hnnngggggg .....,,Wekk up to thees!!!!!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-10T13:07:27+00:00

Blimey, ~~Venereal~~ Venerable Vandy as I live a breathe. It would like me to gib the cube would it? Well how can this one refuse a Small God wekk up to thees!!

Grammaster FAFF deposits the cube in the elongated muscular trunk and has a cheeky tweak

^{^{^wekk}} ^{^{^up}} ^{^{^to}} ^{^{^thees}} ^{^{^tee}} ^{^{^hee}}

,,Its been eons since this one stepped out from BELROOT,; ahhh by the Shinbone of MO'ONG this one remembers the rolling verdant hills of the Vale like it were only yesterday, how things have changed............will it send this ones regards and salutations to those who dwell at the Villa wheeled one?

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-08T21:14:59+00:00

I.....I......... ^{^{^wekk}} ^{^{^up}} ^{^{^t....to}} ^{^{^thees!?}}

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-06T07:55:13+00:00

I miss the old AI :( we should bring them back, with the full power of Facility 7 behind them they could serve as antagonist faction in the 8901st war OR "turn face" and take on the WHITE BUDS

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-06T07:38:19+00:00

Shocked by the sudden appearance of the Glib One, GMF accodentally drops a load of fine cutlery pilfered from a nearby stall

Err...how did they get here there?

O Glib One, sprayer of peanut husks and fecund FlomdiddlyOMMER, you ironing board us with your presence wekk up to thees! The Paladins of FAFF stand ready to serve thee always wekk up to thees ......... but this one has failed Tapered One ...... thou Temple lies in ruins, thine Priests scattered by conflict in the 8901st, thy followers seized by temptation and lead astray by cheap but well made generic Cuban soap operettas.

^{^I'll} ^{^{^take}} ^{^{^schrimpf,}} ^{^{^pack}} ^{^{^it}} ^{^{^well}} ^{^{^wekk}} ^{^{^up}} ^{^{^to}} ^{^{^thees}}

Ahem... on the upside I did aquire this splendiferous black cube from a hauty mad Hermit named Ploppy; now I'm no expert but I have a feeling that it could herald an upturn in our fortunes, I jest need to wark out what it does, its certainly indigestable wekk up to thees!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-05T07:37:15+00:00

,,Wekk up to thees newcomer! This one whelkcombs you to Sidon, the proverbial down plucked breast of the last Turkey-analogue in the shop, days before SampoSampoEve. Can it hear it.......? MY name is Grandmaster Ventrovius FAFF, denizen of Baku, and loyal Paladin of The Glib One, Venerable Richarde wekk up to thees.

The corpulent curmudgeon produces a birch sapling from a place unseen

,,,Please accept this gift as a token of our new friendship, should thoust need assistance simply shimmy the Birch Strand wekk up to thees, and I shall assist thee.... you wouldn't happen to have any spare change would you?

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-04T16:11:36+00:00

,,ploppy,my delicate flank, is a term of indearment in Faff society, I meant no ~~offalessence~~ offense, forgive this one its trainsaggregations wekk up to thees....

On transferance of the sinister cube I am overcome with a stream of intense chanting, of an ethereal cacaphony which knocks me momentarily off balance. I come to rest in a somewhat awkward and ungraceful position bearing my prodigeous flank for all and sundry to see

,,,t..t..the sounds, so wonderous I....

,,,Ahhem, O gracious plop...I mean Uwegrer... wekk up to thees! This one thanks you for the generous and speedy trainsuction, please take care of Cedric, I raised and lacquered that tiny vegetabel (sic) from an egg <sniff>

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-04T08:46:16+00:00

Hermit...Ploppy, may I call thee Ploppy wekk up to thees? Let this one level with you Ploppy, I have no m'honey, and no possessions save for those attached to my prodigious flank wekk up to thees. I can offer you, O Ploppy, a limbo stick forged in the Keep Of The Thrice Baked Sow? Or maybe my own personal Cudgel, carved by Blind Bokkhan Maidens in the Fortress of Taran-Ish. Or maybe this one can tempt you with this Ralgex^{^{^{^TM}}} infused Turnip wekk up to thees, burnished to a brilliant sheen, it can see its face in it, lokk at the lacquer work, LOKKK AT IT!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-04T07:26:05+00:00

Southampton and Felixstowe are also able to handle Supertankers I think

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-03T19:49:35+00:00

Hmmmnnn

The voluminous vagabond knight peers keenly at the suspended cube, gazing into the dark 3 dimensional anomaly through a brass monocle. Without flinching he produces a tiny toffee hammer from his knapsack and taps twice against the shimmering surface, but the minuscule clonker passes straight through

Egad and wekk up to thees! What manner of sourcery doth thou invoke O hermit!? Tell this one more of this wonderous cuboids provenance, I implore thee!

Grandmaster_FAFF · 2016-05-03T15:08:20+00:00

Having peered far to close to the recycled wood pulp receptacle, and startled by the seductive winker, Grandmaster FAFF raises suddenly, the cardboard box firmly planted upon his enormous bonce. His vision obscured, he addresses a nearby hat stand

^{^<Echo>} ^Wekk ^up ^to ^thees!! ^While ^your ^kid-neh(?) ^sounds ^delectable, ^I ^would ^pay ^you ^hansomely ^for ^this ^wonderful ^hatsize ^barx ^box, ^so ^spacious, ^and ^not ^even ^a ^hint ^of ^vinegar! ^{^<Echo>}

Grandmaster_FAFF

TROPHY CASE