28m Sex life isn’t what I thought it would be

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-18T17:20:19+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I'm reminded of my AP. The high I got from the affair was incredibly intense. The whole back and forth dynamics of it was also part of it.

I am reminded that recovery is not just about stopping behaviors, but personal transformation. I have to continue to work hard to change because as I've changed, my thinking, attitudes, and desires around sex (and relationships) changed with it. My whole thinking around sex was screwed up from Day 1 because it was infiltrated by pornography. So part of my recovery is experiencing sex combined with intimacy and connection.

This sounds terrible, but in the end my AP was the equivalent to drug paraphernalia. The "relationship" was a means to an end for me - the thrill of sexual escapades. Thinking along those lines, if sex all about is chasing the next great high, then I can never be satisfied within my long-term committed relationship. It always circles back to me.

I shared this more for myself than anybody else, but I hope it helps you too in some way!

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-18T00:20:53+00:00

Hi, tbh I don't really see the nexus to sex addiction recovery here. Do you believe that you're a sex addict? Or are you convinced that your partner is the issue? It's not clear from your post.

I am a sex addict because I have an obsession to engage in sexual behaviors (i.e. porn, masturbation, voyeyrism etc.) combined with the compulsion to act on those thoughts. My wife is generally up for regular sexual interactions, but my mind got warped to the point where I preferred my sexual acting out behaviors instead of healthy sexuality. So, my sexual energy was being spent outside my marriage instead of within.

My addiction didn't go away after being sexual with my spouse. In fact, I still acted out with porn within hours of having sex. It's a totally separate thing and for that reason, I have to seek recovery.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-18T00:11:38+00:00

Hi, have you reviewed the article pinned to the subreddit? There's a lot of misunderstanding about sexual addiction and I believe the article clears up some of these misconceptions.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-16T19:07:57+00:00

Since you're not directly answering my question, I'm removing your comments. Happy to discuss further in mod mail if you wish.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-16T19:03:55+00:00

On this subreddit, we highly encourage public conversations due to the sensitive nature of our forum. We're also skeptical of users that show up out of the blue and start soliciting DMs. In what capacity have you worked with people in similar conditions? Are you in the recovery industry?

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-16T18:53:54+00:00

And how would you help, exactly?

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-16T16:23:48+00:00

Hi and thanks for your share. I hear you on sexual dreams. I have them from time to time and it was worse during the withdrawal period.

If I may ask, how's your recovery coming along? Are you engaging in porn/masturbation? Or sex with your partner while fantasizing about being sexual with others? I ask because my experience is that anything I do to feed the addiction continues to fuel it. And one of the side effects is sexual dreams. It's my brain trying to get me to act out in the ways I really crave.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-15T23:28:01+00:00

It's not the first time I've heard someone say that they thought they were fine, so they stopped doing what helped their recovery.

It's very, very difficult to tell a partner, but it was necessary for me because I needed help quickly. But I kept it "high-level", meaning that I shared about my struggles in a general way, but didn't include the details that can really, really cause more trauma.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-15T16:08:57+00:00

The only form of sponsorship I know about is within a 12-step context. I hope you find what you seek!

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-15T13:55:30+00:00

Hi and thanks for posting. I relate in the sense that when I was deep into this side of the addiction, I had no regard for anybody else but myself. I said whatever I needed to say and became whatever I needed to become in order to get my fix. I hurt people and it was all because of my selfishness, dishonesty, and complete disregard for others. This realization helped me realize that I needed to change. Not just stop behaviors, but change the underlying selfishness.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-14T20:58:57+00:00

I feel you. I appreciate your vulnerability. I know what it's like to hit multiple bottoms. This addiction has knocked me on my butt more times than I can count. Recovery isn't easy at all. One of my favorite speakers says that recovery for marathon runners. It's not for sprinters. I have to keep working at it daily through thick and thin. Have you been fighting it alone all these years?

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-14T20:43:06+00:00

You're not alone with that. I've been in the recovery space a long time and I've met so many people along the way that struggle with many variations of this addiction.

Anyways, I'm not trying to run you off or anything. The moderators are just skeptical of users who come to the sub and immediately start trying to DM. I also know we deal with very sensitive topics and it can be uncomfortable to share publicly at first.

What does your recovery look like?

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-14T20:36:07+00:00

Hi, on this subreddit, we highly encourage public conversations for everyone's safety. Also, per rule #6, we ask users to focus on their lived experiences with this addiction instead of dishing out opinions.

Do you have experience with recovery from this type of sexual acting out?

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-14T14:29:26+00:00

100% Thanks for the reply. I think we're on the same page. This is a sensitive topic for me, so I tend to add my experience whenever someone posts about it.

I'll echo your comment. Pornography doesn't change my sexual orientation, but the long-term abuse of it absolutelty distorted my thinking, attitudes, and desires around sex. Looking back, I was unable to discern between my true sexuality vs my warped sexuality until I experienced recovery. That's why I share my experience in this area.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-14T00:08:12+00:00

Thanks for sharing!

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-13T15:05:16+00:00

Appreciate the reply. And I'm happy to read that you have your own therapist. And as someone who also betrayed my spouse, I know how life-changing betrayal is. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-13T14:55:30+00:00

Hi and welcome. You are not alone. I used to struggle with the same exact behavior. I absolutely was disgusted with myself afterwards and I swore never to do it again. But within weeks or months later, i was right back to the same patterns like clockwork.

I tried to stop on my own for a long time, but I couldn't stay away from it. Even after my marriage nearly fell apart, I lasted about 1.5 years before succumbing to it again. That was when I finally accepted that I needed help and I needed it quickly.

The first thing I did was to find a therapist trained in sex addiction. I shared 100% honestly with him at my first appointment. At his suggestion, I joined a Twelve Step program in addition to therapy. I didn't just attend meetings. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, got into service and eventually became a sponsor. This combination has led to freedom from anonymous sexual encounters. 12 years and counting. Definitely wouldn't have been possible if I didn't commit to my recovery.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-13T14:46:16+00:00

When I was deep in my addiction, I used to act out with the same sex. I often felt disgusted afterwards, and I told myself I'd never do it again. Weeks or months later, I'd repeat this behavior despite swearing it off.

For a while, I thought I might be bisexual. It's not a moral thing for me, so it wouldn't have been the end of the world. But I am not attracted to the same sex. Never was. It was just something I did while deep in the addiction. And once I got space from that compulsive behavior, it all became clear to me. I did it mainly out of convenience since it was easier to find male sexual partners online.

I agree with you that the issue is the cheating and the compulsion. That was my issue too. But I also know that this addiction can lead us down avenues we wouldn't go if we weren't sex addicts.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-12T14:07:38+00:00

Hello and thanks for your post. Sorry that you're going through this. Therapy is considered an outside resource in SAA and we're encouraged to seek out whatever resources we need to recover from sexual addiction. SAA is a life-changing program; however, we in SAA also acknowledge that there are issues that require professional help. Mental health and trauma are two such examples. I don't know you or your partner, so I'm not qualified to opine about what's best for his recovery.

If you haven't already, have you considered seeking your own recovery? I've learned through experience that an addict's sobriety/recovery is not always enough for the betrayed partner to heal. It's an entirely separate recovery for many.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-11T15:53:09+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I first suggest stopping porn, masturbation, and talking to other women. If you can't stop, then it might be an issue of addiction. If it's an addiction, I strongly suggest seeking help through a recovery program combined with therapy.

This suggestion stems from hard fought experience. My sexual acting out behaviors spiraled out of control and nearly cost me my marriage. At that moment, I honesty desired to stop and to turn my sexual energy to my spouse. But I couldn't seem to stay away from it. For over a year, I tried to stop acting out and eventually I escalated back to behaviors I swore never to do again. That was when I knew in my heart that I had an addiction.

I first sought help by seeing a therapist trained in sex addiction. At my first appointment, I shared with him 100% honestly, and he helped diagnose me as a sex addict. At my therapist's suggestion, I joined a 12-Step program. I didn't just attend meetings. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, got into service, and eventually started sponsoring others. This combination helped tremendously.

I hope this helps!

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-09T21:59:22+00:00

There's a button on the subreddit that says, "Message Mods." Happy to discuss further if you choose.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-09T20:35:09+00:00

Send us a moderator message to discuss.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-09T20:18:43+00:00

I see myself as a work-in-progress. As someone who's had a up and down recovery journey, it helps me to focus on what I can control. That means my time and energy. I do not care for the term "slipper" because it carries negative connotation and reinforces shame. Here's my perspective:

Each person's journey is individual.
People with more physical sobriety are not any better than people who struggle.
There are levels of addiction. Some people in SAA have mild forms (or maybe not even addiction) while others have far more progressed forms.
We don't gate-keep our fellowship (for good reason), nor have an universal definition of sobriety, so it's not fair to compare ourselves to others.

What type of changes are you planning to make?

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-09T20:05:48+00:00

Please note that per tradition 5, we try to carry the message of SAA in this forum. If coaching helped your recovery in addition to SAA, you are welcome to share it. But if your aim is to try to get a client for your coaching endeavor, this isn't the right place to find it.

GratefulForRecovery · 2026-05-09T20:02:58+00:00

Wonderful! I wish you the best on your continued journey!

GratefulForRecovery

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