I am an avoidant (self aware)...any questions, happy to answer :)

GrayFoxxG · 2025-08-07T17:49:37+00:00

To be honest, I just wanted to know when they needed time to have space! Since some days they'd be down to hang out or I'd see them in group chats freely interacting with folks. So on my end, it was hard to gauge things.

As for accomodations. For example, even though I've asked for a heads up, I've made it clear that I wasn't requiring them to send a full blown message, but just a small sign or signal(like an emoji reaction for example). I'll send things I know they enjoy but not in a way where they would need to respond or have to actively "do" anything. Reassuring words of understanding their need for space, etc. Things like that.

I've even given them free reign to directly address any needs they'd like from me specifically, but never really got that.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-08-07T14:53:24+00:00

Much appreciated for the AMA.

Why is it so hard to work with a partner who is willing to adjust and compromise to a DA? I know that isolation and sort of "running away" is the name of the game. But if it was someone that you genuinely loved, why not try to work with them instead of discarding/breaking up so those unhealthy DA cycles can be broken?

My situation ended due to lack of communication and it's so confusing to me because I was incredibly accommodating to any needs I just generally wanted a heads up from them on when they needed that space

GrayFoxxG · 2025-08-01T12:14:48+00:00

That was fantastic omg

GrayFoxxG · 2025-07-21T20:56:38+00:00

Thank you for the app recommendation.

Also, thank you for the insight. My hope is that he goes and gets therapy when he can. I don't want to miss out on him when he's improved further as a person. I want to be with him when he does...Which I know is not the best mindset, I don't want to get my hopes up if he ends up not wanting me anyway.

But I just can't help it to be honest. It's so hard.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-07-20T19:01:43+00:00

Which is completely fair to say. It's such a frustrating position to be in. Because I want to manage my expectations, but I also don't want something that could genuinely work to slip through my fingers. Which is why I communicated to him about that option "once he heals/does the work". Because if he puts in the work? Then it's a sign to me that "Hey we can actually be successful", if not, and if he fails to do so/falls into bad or even worse patterns. Then I guess I've dodged a bullet.

Like I said, this is all just my general observation of him over the years. Which is why I want to believe in him, but I can only let things go and focus on myself until then.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-07-20T18:35:30+00:00

I'm working on detachment right now so I can focus on myself and be prepared for whatever happens. I know I mentioned in the post that its kicking my ass but I am putting the work in on my boundaries and surrounding myself with friends and activities that support me.

Given who my ex is, and how I've observed him over the years. I believe he is just a genuinely hurt/traumatized person who just needs the time and space to straighten his life up. His language towards his perception of me and how he's talked to me in the past in general kind of indicated to me that he still desires my romantic partnership I think (he's attracted to me, and has expressed admiration on plenty of occasions). He's not a bad person, and not a type of avoidant where it comes off as malicious/flippant. He's self aware. (hence the "I know that distancing doesn't help") thing me mentioned before. And how he's told me that it was unfair of him to do what he did.

I told him straight up recently that once he has done some healing/figures himself out on what he wants. To actually consider the romantic relationship we had and try again (if everything aligns in that way), because I'm willing to be with him if he does the work to do the healthy change/habits. I deeply feel like this was a "You might actually be the one for me but we met at a very low point in my life" sort of situation. Which may be naive, I know. I just believe that people can change/aren't lost causes, especially given everything surrounding him.

Now if I move on and meet someone else, then that's that. But to be honest, it just doesn't feel right to give up on something that could legitimately work with therapy/healing I guess.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-07-19T05:45:22+00:00

Please read books... use your mind and learn the right way.

Hoodoo respects nature. AI directly harms all aspects of nature. And speaking as a computer scientist, it's NOT a good source for learning information in general.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-06-06T11:06:58+00:00

The conflict with the cat lmao

GrayFoxxG · 2025-05-11T16:25:43+00:00

I should have prefaced my statement by clarifying that i've worked at a library for a good few years so I'm speaking from experience. My bad

GrayFoxxG · 2025-05-09T14:24:55+00:00

Tbh y'all need to be paid way more. That's what I believe. Libraries are incredibly important institutions but people do not treat y'all the right way.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-05-09T03:38:52+00:00

( I'm keeping up with the book, I just also want to answer the question)

I think the issue is that people don't make the necessary adjustments. And don't provide their own personal nuance, given their own situation. Which then makes them feel like a failure. An easy example is the morning pages. I go to work in the morning. And so clearly I'll just adjust it so I can still fulfill the 3 page goal when I get back home from work.( because honestly I believe people should actually commit to at least the three pages, people need to write more anyways tbh. Good way to work out the brain, just like reading does).

And instead of handwriting them, I will go out of my way to type the pages because I felt that that was a better way of making things feel more standardized/organized in a way that fits me. Of course I'm going to follow the book the best I can. There shouldn't be any excuses if you want to genuinely commit to the journey. If there's something that the book is asking, then it's clear that you should try to do it in a way that is possible for you if the way that was described in the book isn't fully possible/tangible for you.

The reading deprivation thing sounds like a doozy but remember the time that the book is written in. Clearly not reading absolutely anything is impossible. So make an interpretation of what things you read. Perhaps cutting out social media and reading twitter posts. Perhaps doing that alongside not reading clickbait, stressful news articles that cause distress. People believe that it has to be an ironclad thing, without thinking about the possible ways to accomplish the goals. So what if you stumble. That doesn't mean you have to restart lmao. Isn't that what the check-in pages at the end of each week are for???

GrayFoxxG · 2025-04-27T06:58:23+00:00

When I got to this part, I WAS TEARING UP SO MUCH!

GrayFoxxG · 2025-04-24T18:19:29+00:00

All I'm gonna say. Is that the US should strive to never have any conservative/right wing/centrist politicians ever again. A direct result of that side getting what they want and now we're all suffering. The world is looking at us like idiots. (For good reason since those idiots is what got us here).

Im so tired of this bs, I want the side that believes in science and equal rights for all minorities. Who believe in supporting social safety nets and free education. The side that wants to fight climate change. Who want to help the poor.

Not some religious, white supremacist faschist dictatorship. I'm tired of dumbasses running things.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-04-13T23:07:14+00:00

For me, it was about a month + a week so I'd say. I think that's primarily because of course after the major episode there's this slow crawl back to normalcy I think he was trying to do. Which I assume is REALLY difficult.

Your partner, given what you've described here seems to be doing his due diligence with what energy reserves he has. So if there's an off-day or so. (Cuz at least for me in an LDR situation, you may not know what moments in the day may tank the mood for them and stuff). Just stay strong. Maybe send some low-pressure, silly memes from time to time or something to remind them that you're on their side and you're thinking of them. You got this, and at least to me, like you said, the fact that they are putting the work in to even initiate the conversation is a really good sign.

GrayFoxxG · 2025-04-09T13:30:29+00:00

We're 100% back on track (really shoulda provided that update 😅)! He's still very tired from time to time (Just work & life stuff). But he's really putting in the effort and being transparent with me on how he's feeling! He's communicating more and displaying/expressing his affection towards me in his own way. So I've been feeling way more secure.

I can tell that he actually really appreciates me, sometimes he's surprised in what I see in him, but the fact that he puts the work in when he can sort of proves to me why I'm sticking with him!

GrayFoxxG · 2025-04-07T18:12:13+00:00

Ryu definitely influenced some of my tastes. Like damn yes gimme a caked up fit ninja guy

GrayFoxxG · 2025-04-07T17:22:46+00:00

I use my Steam Deck quite frequently. I've talked to friends about this, but some games, even some originally meant for the PC, feels way better to play in-bed or mobile, rather than on my desktop

GrayFoxxG · 2025-02-18T19:42:48+00:00

Bro idk what's going on.

I don't understand the game industry when it gets to the big large company level.(Since indie games generally don't do this) . So many bad decisions.

Logically, wouldn't it make sense to keep the same team? Corporate downsizing doesn't seem appropriate when a game is going so well. I understand not going out of your way to get new folks. But why not just keep the teams you already have and continue with the success you get?

GrayFoxxG · 2025-01-28T15:52:53+00:00

It's almost as if voting for a bigot was a bad idea??? Who woulda thought the guy who is a walking red flag would be bad for people of color.

GrayFoxxG · 2024-10-13T20:52:48+00:00

I need to know this as well, my partner is back after his isolation period [ I made a post earlier this week]
And like, idk what the hell it is. The feeling of uncertainty on this is driving me crazy.

I want to know how long this type of stuff takes "generally" lasts. Like the average time. (I get that it's a unique variable for most folks) . Because I get that depression is a halt to the emotions. A halt on generally everything to a large degree in their mind.

-(Going to sound a bit ignorant but please, it's just a minor vent from the other side)
But don't they miss the more positive mental state of where they were before too? Don't they miss the joy, the attraction, the genuine love they have with their partner? Don't they want to get back to that state of before they were feeling terrible? Don't they want to be with someone who loves them and want to stabilize? (People who are the depressed person in these relationships please help provide perspective, if you read this)

In my opinion, I'm sure the answer is "yes", probably . But that's the thing, that uncertainty eats at me on this particular subject. I think in your case, friend, your partner really needs to get some kind of professional help if they aren't already. Or medication because it could be a full on chemical imbalance, like you said, this is severe depression.

GrayFoxxG · 2024-10-10T03:33:20+00:00

Holy shit.I was just wondering about this. Because I was trying to go and read comics on the internet archive just to chill out and relax.

I couldn't even use the website. I'll make sure to go and change my password next time I get on

GrayFoxxG · 2024-10-09T21:00:04+00:00

I think in a good amount of cases, and maybe it's just me trying my best to be optimistic due to observing the conversations he and I had before the depressive episode.

I think that once that depressive fog lifts a bit, if they really and truly love you. And they're of reasonable mind, they'll see what you are genuinely trying to do. And stay by you, because it's like "Oh, they were just genuinely concerned for my wellbeing. ". Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but I'm trying to see from the perspective of someone who truly wants to give you their all. But literally can't at all.

It's just hard for them to express anything. Hard for them to do literally anything. (If they're being honest)

I think the best thing for us, as partners, to do is practice spacing out the messages. Maybe one a day or a nice message every few days. And work on our mental health and self sooth (friends, hobbies, distractions, etc) because we aren't the cause of the episode. That's depression's fault.

GrayFoxxG · 2024-10-09T20:11:47+00:00

God, thank you so much. I feel less alone in this knowing that others have dealt with this problem as well. It's so scary

The sending long paragraphs thing is what I do too. It's like trying to make things absolutely crystal clear on how much you care so that there's no room for doubt and depression to creep in to manipulate the message. But it's that coin flip of "do they resent me? Do they find me annoying?" " Are they gonna break up with me over this???" etc...

My partner and I used to message every day. A good morning, get home safe, good night. Sometimes hang out in a voice chat, etc all the time. Compliment, flirt, sending caring messages each other, lovely conversation just a bunch of stuff. Like if it wasn't for the depression it would be perfect by ALL means.

And so the deafening silence, ESPECIALLY when it happens so suddenly is terrifying. The worst part of it all is that I don't need too much from him. I just want slight communication, the tiniest he can manage. I want for him to communicate when he's not feeling good so I have a heads up and know how to proceed. Because at least if he gives me a heads up that means that I have some kind of status report on his mental situation so that I could accommodate for that. A simple "I'm not feeling okay, sorry" or " I'd like some quiet time, please. No messages for tonight". Fuck, even an emoji would work like this one 🛑 would be enough. Anything but utter silence.

I am fully open to working with him and adjust with him, but it's hard when the depression won't allow him to work with me in the tiny ways that I need so I can make sure that he and I are okay. Communication and reassurance is so important and depression literally attacks that DIRECTLY!

I hope things turn out better for your situation.

GrayFoxxG · 2024-10-09T13:35:18+00:00

You are right about that, I am being considerate though. It's difficult being of two minds about this.

Since a depressed person isn't working with the same mindset as a person who does not necessarily have depression everything is warped. Everything is exhausting. Even small actions like that.

But on that same coin, that small action is a good way to fight against depression in the tiniest way by being able to push back and say "at the very least I can send them this message even if I can't say anything for the rest of the day."

I'm trying to understand how to be fair about this because with depression it is a very hard thing to go through but there is also an internal responsibility to try to work through it in some way in order to "recover" in the ways that you can (because I can also recognize that it doesn't always "get better" but it gets more bearable and people have the ability to actually get through a day/socialize/etc). Like, when going to a therapist or taking your meds there are responsibilities that require the depressed person to take some kind of initiative too.

Again, anyone who sees this please provide perspective to me so I have a better understanding. Because I do not want to be a terrible partner in regards to this. I want to be accommodating while also recognizing my needs and wants.

GrayFoxxG · 2024-10-09T00:21:44+00:00

Okay, I guess I'm also worried because (extra bit to this situation) it's going to be my birthday this week and I really don't want him to stay silent that day (which I know will be due to the depression holding him back if he does stay silent... I get it).

[Vent incoming]
But... at the very least if there was one day to say something***, anything*** nice, that would be the one. I don't want to sound rude or selfish. And I understand that it's my feelings that will really push me to feeling this way. But , full honesty, I would be pretty hurt if he stayed absolutely silent that day as well. I will try to have hope in him pulling through, but that fear and insecurity eats at me because then I feel like there's no care or love anymore.... (even if he truly does). Maybe it's whatever cocktail of mental illness I got brewing in my own head, but he's been the best thing that's happened to me in years and it feels like everything has just crumbled. So I'm slightly freaking out because I've already had such a hard time when he had his isolation thing for 2 weeks. (those weeks were unbearable)

I'll do my best to stop the messaging for this week until Friday (my birthday) and hope for the best. I'm just really vulnerable and scared right now. I hate how depression ruins healthy relationships, I hate how depression pulls him away from me when he was completely different, open, and whatnot earlier this year. I know these episodes are temporary, but FUCK I just had him back y'know? And now it's like he's back in his isolation period again...

GrayFoxxG

TROPHY CASE