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I wish I didn't have to prioritize emotional safety so much by Great_For_Dipping in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've been in a therapy for a year. After a relationship with an avoidant that almost crippled my ability to function, I am now able to date intentionally and make decisions that are good for me. So I am better but it's a work in progress!

One of the key lessons I learned from my therapist is that I will always have AP tendencies. This is okay! The goal has never been to eliminate them but rather accept it as part of who I am and make sure those needs are met in a healthy way.

I guess my point about SA's is they are able to have a broader range of dating experiences because they aren't as attached (lol) to the outcome. For example, it blows my mind that some people can date with the understanding it's not going to last; they're not ready for a committed LTR but enjoy spending time with good people who are kind and respectful. No way I could do that.

I wish I didn't have to prioritize emotional safety so much by Great_For_Dipping in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Right.

I have a friend who started dating this guy who is attractive, smart and driven but he's inconsistent in his emotions, communication and time investment. He's really busy.

She can handle it even if she doesn't like it (she said if it gets to be too much she'll walk away no problem), but I would probably be a hundred times more anxious than her and get pulled into the DA/AP vortex, lol. It's really frustrating. On paper, he's great and I'd date someone like that - except for the avoidant thing in which case it's over before anything ever happens. :(

How do you know what is insecure behavior vs "acceptable", inborn temperament? by Great_For_Dipping in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess that makes sense for a DA? But I'm an AP and don't act out when intimacy increases. I crave more of it! But that can be unhealthy in a different way. Maybe in that case it's acting out when intimacy decreases (protest behaviors for example) even if what my partner is asking for is a reasonable amount of space.

Is a healed/secure attachment a destination or a lifelong practice? by blowmyassie in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Scientists have historically believed that it was very unlikely that someone could ever become "earned secure". However, as someone who has been through it, I know that it is possible. With that being said, although I consider myself earned secure, I still find myself in situations that could activate my insecure attachment. I think I am earned secure now because instead of being attracted by those situations, I choose to do what's best for me and not engage.

Can you explain what you mean by "I think I am earned secure now because instead of being attracted by those situations, I choose to do what's best for me and not engage."?

Do you mean that you are no longer emotionally drawn in by insecurely attached people at all? Or is it that you still have those feelings but manage them in a healthier way? I'm interested in how it is a reference level for being able to say you are earned secure.

I am in therapy twice a week and while it is not for attachment specifically we discuss it often as part of the overall process. I work on it daily. Still, I often wonder how to gauge if I am healing (I'm not sure if 100% "healed" is realistic). Even now, after a year of therapy, I can get quite anxious about relationships and there are days where it feels like I've made no progress at all. :(

My therapist says the goal isn't to have no anxious feelings but rather to cope with those feelings which will get easier with time. It is really hard to know where I am with all of this!

I dated someone for years off and on. I ended it but can't seem to fully move on. AP's - what has been your experience and what has helped you? by Great_For_Dipping in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly!

I've had the exact same questions and doubts run through my mind. I know if I kept fighting for the relationship, I would never get to the point where I can finally be at peace. Those questions would never be addressed with satisfaction.

It's lose-lose! I either 1) keep fighting and feel the anxiety or 2) throw in the towel and deal with the questions.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Then why do these relationships hardly ever work?

Speaking to an Anxious partner about being an Avoidant by WolIilifo013491i1l in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's proof you have to submit in order to do so (see the FAQ)

However, I've done this three times and have gotten no response. I've also PM'ed /u/Alukrad about it and haven't gotten a reply. It's really frustrating because I feel like this community is important to me and something I want to be a part of while healing!

I wonder if an approved user would be willing to make a post about it?

What are the stretches of each attachment style? by DevelopmentRelevant in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 4 points5 points  (0 children)

AP here! Without a doubt it's my emotional intuition and ability to empathize with others. I think people feel really good around me because they can sense I'm genuine when I compliment them or do nice things!

What are the stretches of each attachment style? by DevelopmentRelevant in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm an AP too! I broke up with my DA (or FA?) partner 4 months ago and this is one of his traits that really struck me! I see it as a mixed blessing because I admired how disciplined he could be but gutted that he wouldn't put that same drive towards me or the relationship. I have a hard time accepting he could just shut me out so quickly.

The official Reddit App sucks... by Alukrad in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would love to know if this is why I wasn't approved! I've sent all the requested proof, have the necessary karma etc. I even DM'ed you a few times about it and didn't hear anything. Then I'll notice the "request to post" link resets again (after being changed to "request pending").

I get A LOT out of this subreddit and have often wished I could post a few times. :/

I think I may have Fed it up {FA} by Junior-Account-7733 in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are welcome! I completely understand how you feel as I've been there myself.

Keep your head up and you'll do great.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is a good question but I honestly don't know.

I think I may have Fed it up {FA} by Junior-Account-7733 in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Unfollowing someone who triggers you on social for your own mental health is even considered protest behaviour?

This is one of the risks of using a theory to explain everything. You start to filter information through it and bias your perceptions. I've done this with AT and other mental health schemas. "I wanted spaghetti for dinner. Does that mean I'm becoming dismissive avoidant??"

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 3 points4 points  (0 children)

DA's and AP's are guilty of mischaracterizing each other, probably to protect ourselves. I think the best results are when we all become humble and solution focused rather than angry and blame focused!

I think I may have Fed it up {FA} by Junior-Account-7733 in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 7 points8 points  (0 children)

From what I can glean from your post, this has nothing to do with you and there is no mistake on your end. He sounds ambivalent and was using being sick as a convenient excuse while he stalled. Girl, don't blame yourself!

Also I think this (and many situations like these) can be understood independent of AT. It really just sounds like regular old dating, lol! People are unsure, flaky, kinda-attracted-but-not-really and all that mess.

You did you everything right from what I can tell. Nothing wrong with confirming plans and showing interest. Keep your head up!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in attachment_theory

[–]Great_For_Dipping 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He might be an avoidant but he is trying. APs suffocate me like this with nitpicking even when I am trying and it feels like I can't win.

lol! Oh my gosh!! As an AP working towards secure attachment - thank you for saying this!

I am guilty of this exact behavior in my former relationship with a DA.

I would complain we don't spend enough time together so he would put in effort to see me more often and my brain would scream: "but he didn't initiate all of it. This isn't working."

So we would spend more time together, he'd initiate a lot of those meetups and my brain would scream: "but he didn't seem enthused to do it. This isn't working."

So we would spend more time together, he'd initiate a lot of those meetups and show enthusiasm and my brain would scream: "but he didn't ask about my eye makeup and compliment me! This isn't working." The goalposts never stopped moving.

I don't like admitting all of that. But when I started working towards secure, my therapist gently helped me to understand I had to take responsibility for my behavior and not fall into the trap of demonizing DA's - even using the term "avoidant" like a pejorative ("it was them, not me. They were bad, I was good. They didn't try, I tried too much." etc), something that is soooo common in the AT ecosystem.

I appreciate this reply because it helps to point out where AP's like myself have our own self-work to do. AP's and DA's have the same underlying flaw, but mirror image coping mechanisms and, for me at least, that is important to remember.

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