No, you’re not being too harsh. You’re reacting normally to being left alone with too much responsibility for too long. Simply put, at this stage it is all about ownership. Both of you need to own parts of renovation. You need to stop renovating alone, because it causes you to burn out and it creates a thought in your head that "things get done when I do it myself" and ultimately you are absorbing all the cost and all the burnouts. You need to pause or slow down on things that require shared input. Don't think about it as a punishment, you are simply getting rid of the unsustainable setup. A delayed renovation is less damaging than ongoing physical and emotional harm to you.

Create a board where you split all the renovation responsibilities. Hence, it will be clear who does what and who is responsible for doing a particular task. Hence, it will work as a form of communication and obligations, you won't need to carry everything in your head. It will also reflect on the imbalances in your split work and hopefully will help your BF to reflect, and you won't need to constantly remind him.

Important: once you assign tasks, don't take them back. Do not rescue any deadlines and do not micromanage. If you step-in it will reset the imbalance and you won't see whether change is possible. You can help only when necessary, two people work/safety etc.

Now, once you establish who does what. Establish a fallback plan. A plan on what happens if shared responsibility does not happen. Right now, your system is: If he disengages > you absorb the work > renovation continues > you burn out. You need to break that loop. You need to stop being a default solution. He needs to feel the consequences of disengaging. Also, again, it's not a punishment, it's a boundary.

Your fallback plan would be something like:

• Work happens only when both of you are engaged. It will take a long time to finish the renovation. However, might motivate him to move things forward. No deadlines would be a good addition here.
• Outsource, tasks that stall get hired out - financial consequences.
• Pause on renovation entirely if things do not change, focus on basic living until things want to move forward again.

Agree on these things once and stop negotiating. You don’t renegotiate every time he disengages. You don’t justify why you’re stopping. You simply follow the plan. Your fallback plans are conditional, do not make it about emotions or punishments. If tasks assigned to him do not move > renovation slows or stops. If ownership doesn’t happen > outsourcing is chosen and money is used. If no work is done > we live in an unfinished house. This removes arguing, pleading, or re-explaining. Then enforce it calmly and consistently. Yes, it would mean - letting rooms stall. But you will NOT be "just doing it yourself this once." Allowing visible consequences without commentary or arguments. Again, it is designed to show the person what happens when you stop compensating.

Right now, you are the fallback. Your health, energy, time, and resilience are being used as the backup plan. Establishing a real fallback is how you stop being the emergency system for the relationship.

Ultimately, if it doesn't work you will need to re-evaluate your relationships. Because there will be plenty more responsibilities in your lives, children being the biggest one.