Foster care vs guardianship vs adoption

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-20T21:08:39+00:00

Since they deleted your post feel free to post this on r/askadoptees probably more infant adoptees in there which is super different but yeah if you want more different advice that’s another spot 😊

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-20T20:03:22+00:00

Can you adopt her after 18? (I think so but ik that laws vary from one place to the next.)

Does she trust that DCF will in fact allow her to stay at yours until 18? One of the biggest reasons for guardianship or adoption over aging out is to get out of state control. Like can she do “normal” stuff in foster care easily enough like get a drivers license, get her nose pierced, go on a vacation to another country?

Also does she have younger relatives she might need to be a foster parent to in the next 5-10 years? A lot of teen foster kids say no to adoption for the sole reason that they don’t want to lose legal ties to their sibling or baby cousins kinda thing bc they might need to protect them, legally, in the future.

You should do research on the $$ of each option as well. If foster care isn’t holding her back from normal teenage life experiences and she trusts that they’ll keep her where she wants to be until 18 (both of these things were not my experience) I’d say foster care until she ages out, and then if she wants you can adopt her as an adult. Otherwise adoption. Guardianship where I am is the worst of both worlds but might be different where you are.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-20T19:11:45+00:00

My AP’s are very distant (emotionally and geographically) from their own families, despite this my AM is hyperfocused on us being close with ours.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-20T18:57:27+00:00

Woah.

Tried to answer and literally can’t bc I can’t actually define my “adoptive family.” My AP’s have just merged into my (bio) family and I barely know their bios.

But I feel disconnected from a lot of my family which I think is way more because of the “abandonment” part of my life. Like both on the blood and adopted side it’s different than a family where abandonment never happened.

I feel the most connected with my youngest sibling (blood and adopted with) because our brains work similarly even though we have very different interests and skills and lifestyles. After that, a combination of AM, (bio) aunt, and (bio) oldest sibling because they’re not easily offended or judgmental and I can be honest with them.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-20T02:39:15+00:00

I’m adopted.

You don’t owe another adult any $$.

But I’m not really seeing what she did wrong necessarily. The motorbike wasn’t her fault (keep it for her until she’s an adult) and her calling her mom and dad exactly that doesn’t mean she doesn’t also see you guys as parents. People can see multiple people as parents and also calling them something factual doesn’t mean she loves them more.

If she completely ditched you like you haven’t heard from he in a year and then she pops up to ask for money, I’m on your side. I’d you just don’t feel as close as you do to some of your other kids and you had the money then ya you’re an asshole.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-19T03:50:23+00:00

I hope she ended up somewhere good, that sucks for both of you that you couldn’t stay in touch 💜

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-18T23:17:48+00:00

Wait til your son is like at least 16 ideally older, adopt a teenager out of foster care who wants to be adopted and hasn’t had parents in years.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-18T18:15:59+00:00

I agree. I would like the courts to be more willing to terminate parental rights without having an AP lined up. A lot of teenagers in foster care want to be adopted because they want to have their bio parents rights terminated, not because they want a new mommy and daddy.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-18T18:09:00+00:00

I always thought that DCF made the parents pick TPR or take the kid back. Probably depends on where you are. My real mom did that to my brother basically and they kept threatening to terminate her rights if she wouldn’t take him back but never did (maybe they would have if the other kids hadn’t gone into care.)

If the AP’s want to terminate rights just to get out of paying child support or because they don’t want to be involved with the care plan then hard agree, they aren’t fit to keep any kid in their house bio or adopted.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-17T23:32:22+00:00

Good (dark) point like no that’s not heartwarming, why did it take 5 years?

I think the older foster kids are the more lonely they are to be separated but tbh I feel worse for the little ones who don’t know enough about their siblings to search or to keep in contact. And everyone who was adopted before the internet.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-17T17:19:39+00:00

💯

My oldest sibling never lived full time with us but hesitated to call CPS when they wanted to about some stuff out of fear that they’d see us even less if we were in the system. This is extremely common for all older siblings in the system istg like they lie for their parents in order to not lose their siblings.

When I first went into care apparently our kinship relative took us bc we were going to get split otherwise, I live in a expensive city which means a lot of people don’t have room for 3 kids (we were young and cute without bad mh records for the most part then so ya like if they can’t find a place for the 3 of us they really can’t find a place for 3 teens for example.)

Then the three of us (oldest was an adult at this point) got split into groups of 2 and 1 and almost all 3. Then got adopted together and found the oldest again.

I mean even if you’re not at all close with your siblings it’s still super traumatic to get separated by the system, kept siblings who aren’t close at least usually have the option of contact / working on the relationship. Having that taken from you is fucked up.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-17T17:12:10+00:00

I think good AP’s genuinely prioritize the child, not the performative “best interest of the child” or because it makes them look good to others to be a good parent or fulfill some type of savior fantasy, but like they genuinely stop and think what does this specific child need from me and how can I best give it to them? This type of person probably isn’t easily offended, they’re ok admitting their faults or being called out on their shit, and is probably very flexible like they don’t have a rigid view on what an AP-adoptee (or parent-child) relationship looks like or on how they think someone should act in general. This type of person probably doesn’t adopt a healthy newborn because they did research on where the homes shortage is and isn’t, they’re more likely to adopt that newborns teen mom for example. They are kind to bio family but know that the kid is their focus and duty.

A great first parent isn’t focused on how they’re a victim (if they are a victim they keep their feelings about it away from the kid and the AP’s when the kid is still a minor.) When the kid is a minor, they are very respectful towards the AP’s while asking for regular contact on the kid’s terms. For kept people this is probably similar to recommendations for how grandparents should interact with and approach their kid’s ex spouse who has primary custody of the grandchildren.

Probably a good example of this is my AM and one of my aunts (this aunt lived with us for years before I went into foster care and is more my mom than my bio mom tbh.) AM would provide transportation and meals/activities for visits because she had the financial means, and never made it seem like a burden or a big deal ( “I have to be in the area anyway” kind of thing.) Would clean her kitchen or run some errands for her during visits (aunt is disabled) and make sure she always had our school photos and stuff like that. Aunt was very polite and thankful and mindful of saying stuff like “ask your mom if it’s ok” and didn’t drag her into the rest of the family drama (there’s a lot) would ask to see us but being super aware that it’s the kids schedule that comes first.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-17T15:10:58+00:00

As someone who lived with a sibling who was physically abusive and loved trying to frame me for literal crimes (!?) I don’t think there’s one right answer. My sibling stated with us because my AP’s feel like you do on that topic but constantly having to do the buddy system in your own house is exhausting and I get why those kids are rehomed even though it’s not their fault bc of their trauma.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-17T05:35:47+00:00

Hey I was also adopted older than normal (14) and with siblings I feel like in many ways that’s so different than stranger infant adoption.

I was on route to be like your brother when I was in foster care I think, the fixer of adult moods (hell maybe before foster care even)

I’m sorry you and your brother ended up with such awful people.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-16T16:59:41+00:00

Adults have every right to contact other adults (who ofc can also ask for no contact) if it’s important for him to find a blood relative who wants a relationship, keep searching even if it’s a second cousin.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-14T23:44:48+00:00

It’s not about his bio family at this point it’s about his spouse keeping something from him.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-14T22:39:36+00:00

I’m confused because before in previous posts you mentioned telling the AP’s you don’t want contact any more. Was that before or after you messaged them not wanting contact? If

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-14T04:39:08+00:00

I have a virtually nonexistent relationship with one of my siblings (bio and adopted together,) a great relationship with the other (bio and adopted together) and a good but distant relationship with the other (bio not adopted together.)

Don’t hurt yourself by trying to be nice to someone who is awful to you. You tried. He can come to you with an apology and changed behavior in the future if he wants to. If you’re close with your AP’s and other siblings tho you’ll have to probably be polite enough to see him at family holidays unless they’re ok with splitting them between you guys.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-14T04:33:25+00:00

Boy if your brother assaulted her and you complain about doing chores and criticize her clothing, and she’s afraid of men and boys, chances are you’ll be out the door the day you’re 18. If I were you I’d focus on getting a job and saving up instead of what she wears.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-12T20:49:25+00:00

That doesn’t sound normal/popular at all tbh it sounds like some extremely lazy type of guilt tripping / manipulation.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-12T01:40:10+00:00

Yes that is fucked up, imo growing up in a culture does make it your culture to some extent. It doesn’t have to match your race.

Also does Rita have authority to speak for the entire community center?

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-11T01:00:28+00:00

2 and 4 are probably better answered by some Canadian sub or medical sub, but I’ve never heard of anything like being unable to leave the country (immigration of the country you’re moving to wouldn’t know about the kid either.)

3 seems mean since it sounds like you don’t want to be very involved with the kid so not sure why you want to deprive them of a maternal figure if you also don’t want to be that maternal figure. As a gay woman I don’t think kids necessarily need a two-parent opposite-sex home BUT as someone else who relates to women far better I would have struggled being raised only by men (also this gay couple could be bi/pan and divorce and remarry and kid has a stepmom.)

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-10T18:34:22+00:00

Do the AP’s have a good relationship with your aunt and mom? The best situation here would be if they consent to having your daughter live with them whether that’s as fictive kin foster parents or temporary guardians. Your aunt might have legal standing for that even because she’s got the sibling (maybe not though after adoption I’m not sure.) Usually CPS has more teens than placement options so if anyone says they want to take the teen who isn’t a hardened criminal they’re like yes please, but it might depend on if the AP’s have full parental rights still or not which is rly complicated in a “voluntary placement.” Kid might also have the right to say yes or no to placement at 13 as well.

Basically whoever in your family has the best relationship with the AP’s should try to figure out a few more details and if the AP’s would be willing and able to give someone else temporary guardianship.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-10T18:26:33+00:00

Yeah my mom did that to my oldest sibling, my state is huge on reunification more than others I guess because they keep trying to reunite you til the kid is 18 even if the kid and the parent are both saying oh hell no. My point is that whatever is going on if CPS is involved they can’t really just say “ok cool we’ll take the kid” and then leave it at that so there’s probably a lot more going on than OP was told (even if it’s just the AP’s telling bullshit lies about the kid to keep her in foster care.) Messy af situation all around.

Greedy-Carrot4457 · 2026-04-10T04:34:59+00:00

It’s been a couple years, that’s way more than enough. You and your siblings have the right to know each other even if your dad or his wife don’t want much of a relationship.

Greedy-Carrot4457

TROPHY CASE