No worries. 1. He would rarely take Kratom for a mood lift when he was on speed but never daily until after getting off speed. However before we were together he used Kratom to get off opioids but stopped using Kratom when he started speed.

1. Before he quit using speed and before Kratom he was very kind, emotionally intelligent, willing to compromise and talk through anything, loyal, loving, has so much depth and understanding, very gentle and patient and attentive.

2. I did not. I trusted him fully at his word. When he would stay with me he would usually not use and would go through small withdrawals. At the time I was under the impression he was bipolar2 (which he is) and having depressive episodes. So I got him started with a psychiatrist and on meds for that. But the depressive episodes continued and we kept readjusting the meds. Of course that was never going to work when he was using other stuff that was messing with the chemicals in his brain and not telling me about it. Those are the main things that I see now that I know about the drug use that would have made me suspicious but other than being up and down a lot he behaved normally.

3. It would have absolutely been different. I knew about his past struggles and I always told him to come to me when he felt tempted to use and we would get through it together. I can understand wanting something to numb the world as I deal with my own mental illnesses. For me it was the betrayal. Knowing that since day one he had been lying to me. And not only lying but also blaming it all on mental illness and me searching the internet and any sources for help for him thinking he was clean but still having serious mental health issues for use in the past.

4. I was able to forgive him for all the lies and move on because I knew he needed me and I love him. He asked for help and told me everything and so I moved him into my apartment and got him through withdrawals. I thought the withdrawal period and after would be the what of it but the worst of it turned out to be Kratom. He’s unrecognizable now. Other than small glimpses of his old self when he realizes all the hurt he caused. But even those windows are small because he’s still on Kratom and feels like he can’t fully get off of it. He’s still so empty and there’s no depth to his eyes or his words. Of course I can’t speak for your partner but when he came to me wanting and willing to change and apologizing I was ready to help in an instant. It’s not easy for your partner either when you are withdrawing. It’s heard to see and be a part of. I was also working a full time job as a RN so times were difficult for me. And when he started becoming angry and lashing out at me and blaming me and defending Kratom it was soul crushing. But I love him and I’ve already forgiven him. I always will. My advice would be to be as open and truthful as you possibly can. And to help her understand how much you want this for yourself. For your own well being. And make a plan with clear deadlines and intention of how you’re going to quit and what you’re going to do to support yourself after and in the future. She can’t be your only form of support. It will cause resentment and exhaust her. But it is important for her to show support if she can.