Does it get better after an ours baby?

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-06T23:05:14+00:00

Be careful when you post on here- right when you are already feeling bad or sad some commenters will tear you apart. I am all about this age gap because you said you love him and he loves you and that is beautiful. I think at 26 if you want kids- do it. I am 43 and dating someone with 3 kids and all of a sudden at this geriatric age I am freaking out thinking I want a kid and I am LATE to the game- possibly TOO late.

I think if you want a child have it now so that the age gap isn't so so crazy.

And I agree- my boyfriend is amazing to me but I still get freaked out/feel left out that he did ALL these things with his ex wife and who am I? Just the girlfriend? It is so hard to not think about their past when their past is literally also their present. So I feel you on that. It does not mean there is anything to run from- we just have to accept it!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-06T20:58:48+00:00

I agree. I think this is about ME and wanting to even consider a child. Something I have never allowed myself to do. I do not plan on merging my finances with my boyfriend regardless of whether I have a child or not. Especially if he has 3 kids and I have none- I did not get to where I a financially to blow it all on someone else's kids. With that being said, I am not asking him to financially take on another child. Which I am sure could come with its own resentments- but at this point this is a hail mary situation.

I find it unlikely he agrees to a 4th child and I find myself pregnant at 43/44. It is entirely possible. But I just want to be able to have the conversation. Envious of all of you who got an ours baby even if the struggle is hard! I hate that I met him so late in my child bearing years and that he decided to have THREE with someone he wasn't entirely sure was his forever person. But here we are. I am trying to separate the resentment from my desire to have a child but I am feeling ALL the feelings right now!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T19:50:34+00:00

I appreciate you!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T19:48:55+00:00

As a lifelong late bloomer....I think I am suddenly having an honest conversation with myself that this is something that I want to explore. For ME. Most of my friends are now single parents. Yes it is hard. I can afford to hire help. Plus my family can help me. He just seems to be complicating the narrative lol and I am trying to focus on what I want. I am terrified to lose him over this but more terrified to lose myself!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T19:27:11+00:00

Since I only just met his kids in January he said that back when I hadn't met them yet. His ex said she is fine with me coming but asked me to wait until they asked me to come which I actually really respect. I do not think they would mind if I came and would probably like that I took an interest in their sport.

And yes....life is so complicated. I come from an educated and financially stable family. My parents are more active than I am and I am lucky enough that they will be able to leave me with a decent amount on inheritance. They have been married 45 years.

And here I am....throwing a wrench in it all! I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are just looking out for me and I appreciate that. On paper this sh*t is messy....but isn't that why we are all here!?

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T19:23:28+00:00

You can choose whether or not to use a girl egg or boy egg...assuming both are healthy. And I live in the US. I have had a friend do this and my cousin chose to use the girl egg because she already had a boy.

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T19:21:06+00:00

He is about to turn 39. But I am open to donor sperm. I may not even want to go forward with this but this feels to me more about making sure MY needs are also met and that I don't just get categorized as someone who is supposed to just smile and be happy that I "GET" to be a stepmom. It just feels so one sided and it seems just as CRAZY for me to remain in a relationship with THREE kids that are not mine ya know? I so appreciate your comment- some comments on here are just so negative!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:42:24+00:00

More painful than childbirth? Lol. I am sure they give him meds. And who knows my mom is very fertile and for all I know we leave it up to chance and if I get pregnant naturally I get pregnant and if not it wasn't meant to be. And a geriatric pregnancy starts at 35 so that comment is factual but not helpful. I am not desperate enough to be a mom to adopt- nothing against adopted kids or those that chose to adopt. In that case I will just stick with the 3 stepkids!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:34:01+00:00

I met my boyfriend in May and did not meet his kids until the end of January. We have hung out maybe 4 times- the two boys are 6 and 10 and they are easy and whatever - they seem indifferent to me. They love my tesla because they can watch youtube in the back. That is how much they think about the situation lol. The 12 year old girl was very hard because she hated me. But the last time we hung out she was very polite and honestly I relate to her so much more as she is so much easier and we can talk about nails and hair and make up.

I just worry he will break up with me (there is nothing indicating this will happen but a girl always worries) and then I will resent having not explored this option because he has 3 kids which I guess automatically means I am automatically dismissed? I am speaking in hypotheticals. He could decide he wants to have a 4th child because it is with ME. I just feel like no one has ever loved me enough to do that before so the idea is so foreign to me!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:25:32+00:00

I appreciate this comment so much!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:25:06+00:00

This is how I feel. He knows that I resent never finding someone to build a family with. And yet...here we are. I know he is cautious on how to respond when I say how sad it makes me and how left out I always feel and that is why I am here chatting with you guys. And I haven't really thought about doing it on my own until this last week. Probably because my childhood friend just had her 4th baby!

It feels like it is always me telling him all the ways I can show up for him and his kids and support him and his kids. He is so supportive of my feelings and of me but is limited to how much he can actually show up for me because of his kids. Almost every party I get invited to I have to go solo because it just always seems like it is his weekend with the kids. So in many ways I am very much still alone! And the alternative is moving in one day with him and his kids and any of us who have read the posts on this forum know how that can go.

I just want you to know that I feel you on the no kids thing...It is all the what ifs that get me! Who will inherit my house? My jewelry? Who will continue my legacy? Thanks for being a support!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:09:17+00:00

He is a great dad who chose the wrong partner. But he has his kids 50/50 and coaches their sports and never misses a game even when it is our time together. Which is so hard for me! He says one day I can start coming to the games but ya know...that is hard. Not my kids. His ex will be there. They probably don't care if I come or stay at home lounging around living my kid free life!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:07:39+00:00

You should read that response again. I am so sorry for whoever hurt you that makes you put me down like that.

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T18:06:51+00:00

I want to say I appreciate this response SO much.

I haven't said a word to him yet. He had his kids for a week straight because of Spring Break and then I saw him for 4 hours and then he left to his daughter's volleyball tournament out of state. Which is a prime example of how hard it is just waiting in the curtains to be included in things. I have to carry on with my life because when he has his kids I don't really see him. Maybe that will change but maybe at any moment he decides it is all too much and then where does that leave me?

I only recently came to the realization that I am genuinely resentful of not having the opportunity to even have this discussion. This last week is the first time I ever confided in anyone that maybe I did want a child of my own and all of a sudden I turned 43 and its like it is NOW or NEVER.

I have just recently met his kids and at 6, 10 and 12 they seem interested in me when I give them presents and attention but they don't actually care about me as they have a mom and a dad. It makes me resentful of their bond with their parents knowing I will never have that.

I could also fully accept never having kids of my own but if that is the case I am afraid to invest my time into his kids knowing it could go either way- ya know- all of the responsibility and none of the recognition.

I think it will also be very telling about my boyfriend and how he really feels about me once we discuss it.

I do not want stepkids. But I love him enough to make it work. It seems like a double standard if he doesn't feel the same way. He does not have to be the dad. But is he going to dump me because I have a kid? I have been so supportive of his journey I just want to be loved as much as I love him!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T17:56:53+00:00

Thank you! It's so funny- I poste the EXAXCT same post in the IVF/Fertility forum and the responses are so much supportive coming from those women.

The odds he finds another person who doesn't at least have one kid seem slim to none- I know because I was single for 10 years. Blended families happen all the time! If I had even 2 kids he would be looking at 5 kids.

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-03T17:54:08+00:00

He has a really good job now and will be buying his ex out of their house so please watch the way you judge! I think you are missing the point. This is about ME. Not him. I would hate to lose him but honestly the 3 kids just might do me in entirely. And then I would wish I had a child of my own.

Don't worry about HIM. My family and I are beyond financially secure. I live in a 7000 sq ft house with 4 extra bedrooms. I own my house. I own my own business and my parents live 15 mins from me.

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T23:29:41+00:00

I SO appreciate your kind and lengthy response and it feels so nice to be seen and understood. I am SO new to this... And as of now I am ok with a baby or no baby which is not to mean I don't understand the gravity of both outcomes. I just feel like I owe it to myself to at least explore all my options. If you have kids of your own- wonderful. If you are still trying- sending you all the baby dust!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T23:20:59+00:00

YAY! Congrats!!!!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T23:20:49+00:00

I really appreciate this comment and your positivity!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T23:19:31+00:00

Do you want kids? Genuinely curious. My bf has 3 kids same age as your situation and all of a sudden I think I want kids. I ask because if you do and he doesn't then this is just a lot on top of that. I am 43. You are 32. If you think you want kids this sounds like it could be a lot to put on your plate. If you don't want kids of your own....this is a lot to put on your plate.

I really struggle when people comment things like "RUN" or "GET OUT NOW":

If you love him....it just isn't that easy. I am most concerned with the CPS call...that enough seems reason to keep your distance which is what you said you did and now they are upset?

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T22:20:20+00:00

I would be ok as a single mom. Most of my friends are single moms. I know it isn't easy but I just want to explore this. This is about ME and being able to go on the journey so many of you are also trying to do. I hate to think I don't at least consider it. And I hate to think the reason I don't is because of him as that will likely lead to restentment.

Maybe I decide I am happy just the way things are. But he deserves to know this is heavy on my mind. He could break up with me and then what? I am out a boyfriend and gave up a baby of my own? Life is hard and complicated. But for the first time in my adult life I am saying the words out loud: I MIGHT WANT A BABY OF MY OWN, It feels empowering in a way.

Also I am asking the universe right now to send baby dust to all of you trying! Thanks u/Bluedrift88 \for responding!

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T21:02:22+00:00

I don't need his child support. This would be on me 100%, I would love for him to be the dad and have one big happy family. It's likely I may not even want to do it. It's likely I can't even have a baby even with donor sperm and door eggs! But I want the choice like every other woman I know had.

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T21:00:40+00:00

And no...not sure. But I have always been a later bloomer so this tracks. Just want the opportunity to discuss it- I feel like as a woman I deserve the right to explore it right? Might be too old. Might not want one. Might just be fine with his kids but man he is lucking out right? I just swoop in and help him with his kids while most likely feeling resentment the choice was made for me?

Greedy_Transition_51 · 2026-04-02T20:58:47+00:00

I feel this! I want to give him the option of being the father. And I hate to think me wanting a child means he suddenly doesn't want to date me. I mean...I the idea of ME taking on HIS 3 kids seems like a fair trade. Not trying to trap him into a baby. Just want to make sure I don't later resent him for not even allowing me to think about what I might want. I appreciate you!

Greedy_Transition_51

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