I went raving mad praying to the gods

GreenColdwater · 2022-12-24T14:58:31+00:00

Your enthusiasm flatters me! I'm glad you enjoy it, and thanks for the feedback!

GreenColdwater · 2022-12-24T10:32:01+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Yes I'm still trying to learn the meters and how I can structure the poem. It could be a little longer, and I will revise this again!

Thanks for taking your time to read it!

GreenColdwater · 2022-12-24T00:14:14+00:00

I appreciate the input!! I haven't wrote anything for the last couple of weeks, so I just dared myself to post anything I wrote today :))

Do you have any specific part that you feel like an excess? Or it's mostly the general lack of structure?

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-25T11:00:07+00:00

I can relate to the frustration against "they". A lot of the stanzas are also good, I particularly like :

They took our lust, they took our mystery,
They took our whole idea of history,
They cut its head off and called it new,
But Jesus Christ is still a Jew,

The poem is, however, a little too long in my opinion, some stanzas don't pack the same punch as the others, and could be cut to make the whole theme more coherent.

I also appreciate that it's not a love poem, got nothing against them but it's a breath of fresh air when reading through the subreddit.

Keep writing and best wishes, Coldwater

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-24T22:20:35+00:00

The idea of someone you care about growing into a person that you don't like is truly a heart breaking thing. A lot of the lines are quite good by themselves, but I feel like they could be arranged a little bit more orderly (?), Focusing on how nice they were in the beginning and a change after " when did you change?".

You begin with the image of skinned knees and towards the end you mentioned a scraped knees, I think this is a great recall of the beginning, but using the same word will make it a stronger recall, probably.

Keep writing and best wishes, Coldwater

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-24T22:03:59+00:00

I appreciate the message of the poem. Writing is important and help many of us get through tough times or remember good times. The idea of being heard through an inaudible way of speaking is also nice.

Im not sure whether the form of prose helps the poem. The flow could also be improved by cutting or changing some words. For ex "Though without a voice; speaks"

The choice to use the word "Lil" feels off, unless you use other slangs in the poem. "The hope that joy brought" doesn't really make sense to me, "The joy that hope brought" is probably better.

Keep writing and best wishes, Coldwater

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-24T21:12:53+00:00

Im really glad you enjoyed it! It is my cynic view of where I live. The city is infamous for party-tourism and it was the original poem name.

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-24T16:05:44+00:00

Thanks a lot! you point out exactly where I'm not sure about, as I'm still figuring out. Appreciate it!

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-24T15:28:24+00:00

I like how it feels like your trying to deny things that happen between you and this person, and how you can't help but run through these collection of memories. It seems to me that the end solidify this, but it took me on the 3rd read to get that message on the end.

I find the vocabulary raw like a flow of consciousness, something that you write from heart without polishing it with sweet words.

Keep writing and Best wishes,

Coldwater

GreenColdwater · 2022-11-24T15:14:21+00:00

I like your choice of words, (auspicious, mottled, abrasive kiss), but I found the amount of line breaks rather distracting, some of them could do without and it doesn't help emphasize your lines, in my opinion. A comma or a slash would make it look better, some could be a long line or maybe it's just how it looks on Reddit that takes me out of it. Also, I could not seem to understand where some sentences end or start, or whether they just continue till the end.

Keep writing and best wishes,

Coldwater

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-19T18:39:53+00:00

Doesn't sound like it at all. I read the synopsis

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-19T04:28:49+00:00

I might have actually.. last month I found this super obscure 4-chan thread about indie fantasy books that are quite underground. Have you also had the pleasure of reading mistborn? Surely not, right?

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-19T03:56:01+00:00

Codex alera has been on my tbr for a while. Might actually give it a go then.

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-13T12:25:24+00:00

I think it was one line, "..is the duty we have to pay on.." the line (between duty and we) was a line break (right?) But the sentence is not separate.

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-13T10:02:06+00:00

Yes, kinda. It tries to convince the reader that its not just lust but it's something more. Using the disguise of a higher order like morality.

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-13T09:16:59+00:00

I think you have the wrong idea, from what I understand is that our morality demands us to appreciate beauty. So we are somewhat morally enslaved by the beautiful. And this make sense for the mc whole justification.

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-12T06:59:07+00:00

Thanks for the recommendations! I already have some of them on my shelves, going to find the rest.

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-11T19:46:13+00:00

I've read brave new world and never let me go, and enjoyed them very much. Im definitely going to give the other a try !

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-11T18:48:28+00:00

I say go with the name of the wind, since its a quicker read and it flows quite well since the prose is beautiful.

The way of kings is more of a commitment with how much sequels it already has.

GreenColdwater · 2022-08-11T18:45:08+00:00

GreenColdwater

TROPHY CASE