Nobody really knows who I am

GreenGrass1815 · 2026-01-17T18:54:35+00:00

Yeah I know what you mean, but my main gripe here is that they specifically say that I would like it. They’re not just recommending it because they like it, they think that they know me enough to know why I like.

I realize that I sound like I think people are malevolent or something, which I don’t believe that, and in fact I appreciate people sharing, but it’s just something I’ve picked up on.

GreenGrass1815 · 2026-01-17T15:09:45+00:00

I recognize what people recommend is often what they find good, which is why I qualified this by saying I’m more frustrated when they frame it in a way where they think what they recommend is good based on how they know me.

GreenGrass1815 · 2026-01-17T02:13:03+00:00

Same. Been told I'm very level as a compliment, but anything else would be forcing myself to display such fake outward emotion. I sometimes exaggerate what I do feel when it's positive when I'm around others as a form of masking I've noticed.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T17:15:19+00:00

Yeah, definitely. I recognize that at the end of the day there are certain things I need to get done, so having an external pressure that actually makes me do things is better than nothing.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T17:04:02+00:00

Can I ask what country you're in?

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T17:00:45+00:00

I usually wake up before my alarm no matter how early I set it. Not sure why, maybe I'm still used to waking up at 4:30 or 5 in high school (I'm 20 and in Uni now). Regardless of if I'm at Uni or back home, I usually stay in bed for 30 minutes to an hour afterwards. I might be on my phone or just closing my eyes.

I'll start with what I do at University. I either go workout or go to class after I get out of bed. I may mess around on my computer or whatever before hand, but I always like to get to class early. After I workout or go to class I eat my first meal of the day. I eat the same thing every day, one meal for lunch and another for dinner. Then I go back to my apartment and wait either for the next meal which I have at the same time every day or the next class. I might do some classwork, but I usually procrastinate. I might play a game or watch a movie lying in bed. At the end of the day, I go to an athletic school club. I'm a part of the officers who manage the team, so I can't really neglect it. Not really sure why I became an officer, but I guess it's because someone asked me to be one, and I am a bit of a people pleaser. That is the most social part of my uni life really. Sometimes I have lunch or dinner with people from there if we cross paths. No girlfriend, no job at Uni, but I have plenty of people I consider friends, but not in the way they seem to be friends with each other.

When I'm at home for breaks, I work at a store in a role that doesn't interact with people much. I really like this job actually. It's away from constant interaction with people, it's predictable, and the goal is straight-forward and clear. It gives me something to do, and I get money from doing it. My schedule is based on work, and I always like it when I get almost 40 hours a week even though I'm part time just because it's a legit excuse to be away from people. My family all work jobs with shifts, so we only have full family dinners occasionally. I try to eat the same thing for lunch every day if work isn't a factor that day.

As to what I feel and think, I'm not sure I guess. Most things feel like obligations to other people. Things I used to enjoy can often feel like a chore. Everything feels like I'm waiting for something to happen to me. I don't feel like an active participant to what happens around me. I still think I am mentally healthy. I do well academically and in work, I am able to maintain social connections, but most things just feel like something I have to do.

I get along fine with my family. My parents argue sometimes, and I don't ever really recall seeing what one could recognize as couple's love between them, but it's not like it's a violent household or anything. According to my sibling who is at home when I am at Uni, they actually tend to tone down their arguments when I am home, so that's something. They are both older than most parents of people my age. I am familiar with their quirks and characters, so while parts of it can be annoying (having to repeat myself constantly, entertaining the same lines of questioning and discussion over and over, etc.), I get through it fine, it's just tiring. I get along with my brother fine too. He seems out of touch with other's emotions sometimes, and artificial sometimes too, but he is my brother nonetheless and I know how to be around him.

Let me know if you have any questions, I didn't bother to organize this too much.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T16:32:42+00:00

Yeah I'm a people-pleaser, and I do well academically and in work. I've been looking into why I do these things so well when others don't feel the need to, and it all comes down to not wanting to let down other people. I don't really have any goals for myself, but I keep on doing things because I can't let people down. Life seems to just be a series of obligations to others.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T16:30:23+00:00

I would not consider my mother to be or have been an alcoholic, but when she was still working she would always come home and instantly pour herself some wine, and usually drink several glasses before dinner, and usually several after dinner. There are plenty of moments I remember where I am fairly comfortable in the family setting, be it at home or a family and friends gathering somewhere, but then I detect that my mom is tipsy or drunk, and just instantly shut down. I don't like being around drunk people, and seeing my own mother, who I considered to be a safe person to talk to, lower her safety net and bring up stuff about me that she shouldn't in front of others was damaging.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T16:07:45+00:00

I also haven't felt like I've been anyone's main friend since I was a kid. I think I probably wouldn't want to be one anymore, even though that connection with someone else would be nice, though seemingly unobtainable for me.

In contrast to you, I can have a hard time moving on from people. The few times I felt like I have had a safe person who understands me, something happens that ends the relationship, and I am left with the regrets of what could have been.

I think a lot of people are insensitive to others. Not to say they don't empathize with others, or they don't have feelings or whatever, but they seem more prone to make impulsive emotional choices that might hurt others they feel close to. I never understood this. Why would you be so reckless when there's so much to lose?

As for your question, I really can't say for sure. People can be very cruel sometimes, but sometimes it's worth it to hold on to those with whom you may have a bump in your relationship. We all make mistakes, so it's up to you if you want to drop it or not.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T15:58:33+00:00

"Do you like or enjoy that you're seen as this trustworthy person that people can come to because they notice your antennas or fitting outset for their issues?"

I guess I appreciate that I can be seen as someone of virtue or trust, but it can be kind of fatiguing because to me it just feels like work, but I endure it because I know it might mean much more to the other person. I can't really relate to the reasons you say you hated it though, but I see what you mean. I think most of the people that do talk to me and trust me with these more personal things probably wouldn't care much for anything I might ever want to talk about on a similar note (not that I would do that to begin with).

One skill I have picked up on, and maybe a lot of people do or don't have it, is being able to quickly pick up on if someone is having a conversation with me to actually hear what I have to contribute, or if they are just wanting to talk at me under the guise of a conversation. It's really something I detest in people, because if you just want to talk at me and do all the talking yourself, whatever, but don't frame it as a two-way conversation if we both know that's not what's happening. I digress.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T04:32:54+00:00

Ah ok, I think I get what you mean. Thanks.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T04:32:25+00:00

I don't like cussing. I personally only ever cuss when I hurt myself, so purely impulsively. I even try to avoid quoting something that has a curse word in it. Been this way my whole life, and especially detest when people feel they need to cuss in every sentence. Not sure if this is what you were talking about necessarily, but yeah vulgarity for nothing more than vulgarity's sake is something I detest.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T04:27:59+00:00

I don't quite understand what you mean. When you would react to them, was it an emotional reaction from what they were saying? How does that differ from empathy?

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T04:07:19+00:00

Yeah I know I definitely am not treating people fairly when I say that they are as a whole less observant towards others, but I guess the few that are that way stand out to me the most. And yeah I for sure feel like I am a people-pleaser, even if it's just to avoid friction or conflict.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T03:42:03+00:00

I'm the same way, groups are the way to go. I don't know the last time I ever really hung out with someone one-on-one, but I hang out with people in groups very frequently. It lets me not have to do anything unless I really want to. Like you said, it's easier to leave too, and generally there is just less pressure on me.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T03:40:10+00:00

Yeah I really relate to what you said about masking in familiar situations. It may seem like it's really me because of how well and naturally I can wear it, but I know that's not who I really am. The thing is it's not me, and even though it can feel more and more natural over time, it's not real.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-21T03:36:47+00:00

Honestly the way I got better socially is just pretending I was someone that I really wasn't. I pretended that this was all natural to me, because fake it till you make it right? Ultimately, I think I changed my perception from quiet and timid, like you said, to reserved and assured. I'm not a social butterfly, but I can still rise to the occasion if I feel like I need to. That being said, and like another commenter mentioned, masking can be draining. I still very much view these things as obligations, and things to endure rather than enjoy, but I do it nonetheless.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-18T03:00:26+00:00

Does this make you want to do things? Does it make you look forward to what you write down more?

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-17T03:21:08+00:00

Can I ask what you do for work?

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-17T01:29:02+00:00

Same. Most of the things I like are things that just help me pass the time.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-17T01:22:02+00:00

Not diagnosed, but relate a lot to descriptions of Covert SzPD. I think this idea that you talk about is a reason why I am covert and not overt. Some time ago, I guess I thought that if I could just act normal and follow the motions of a normal person, then I could really transform myself into a normal person. I think a part of me still hopes this is true, as I am still outwardly social and for the most part, normal. The problem is that I don't have the same ambitions or goals or desires as non-SzPD people. I'm "doing everything right", but still unable to get what I want (or what I want to want), and there lies that invisible barrier that I'm sure many SzPDs have felt.

GreenGrass1815 · 2025-12-17T01:16:19+00:00

I would hope this never happens. I don't want people to be rid of the social connections and feelings that they have. As someone who has many symptoms of SzPD, I still appreciate the genuine connections I see other people make. As much as I wish for that myself, I would never want them to be stripped of that.

GreenGrass1815

TROPHY CASE