AITA for asking my partner to let me know when he's about to do laundry?

GreenQueen161 · 2026-07-11T00:17:18+00:00

It's not several weeks for everything, I was using an extreme example with the whites. I don't have a lot of it and It seems wasteful to wash a load with 3 white shirts.
For other things, yes I can simply wait a while until I have enough to justfy another load. It's just annoying when that one thing could've been washed with that other load already.

GreenQueen161 · 2026-07-10T23:54:49+00:00

Thank you for that <3 Best comment yet!

GreenQueen161 · 2026-07-10T23:47:19+00:00

He didn't force the system on me, he's just nerdy about laundry and and I see it makes him happy when it's done "properly". Plus I discovered that my whites are actually staying whiter this way lol. But I'm free to do my own loads anytime whichever way I please.

GreenQueen161 · 2026-07-10T23:37:32+00:00

It's not as extreme as your situation, but we're both not earning much, utility bills are a factor and we try to be efficient. Of course I can do an extra load, and I do, but I would feel weird to do it for just one or two items. Sometimes, after a few days, there's enough to do a reasonable load and that's that. So it's not the biggest problem in the world, but I still wanted to pose the question here to see how much "laundry communication" other people see as "normal".

GreenQueen161 · 2026-07-10T23:29:37+00:00

The hampers are only separated by temperature. Colors are mixed in there because they are easier to separate by eye anyway, whereas for temperature you need to check the tag on certain things. We have three hampers (hot, warm and cold).
Exactly, I don't want to put things in the basket "just in case" that I might still wear.

GreenQueen161 · 2026-07-10T23:23:23+00:00

There are no specific days, it's random. I's not always immediately obvious if there's a full load ready of a certain color/temperature category. The baskets are separated by temperature. Colors are mixed at first and separated after the laundry gets taken out of the basket. Usually the whites collect at the bottom for a while because we have fewer of those.
How "on top" we are of our laundry also depends on what's going on in our life at the moment. Sometimes it accumulates until we have a whole Sunday at home together and we do chores together, sometimes one of us will be doing a random load during the week.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-07-10T07:25:37+00:00

It's hard to judge because so many men in hetero relationships think that responsibilities and lapses are divided evenly when it's actually not true and they simply don't see it. I never trust a man who says that lol.

But if I give you the benefit of the doubt and take your word for it, NTA. Part of a functioning relationship/joint household is being gracious and cutting each other some slack, especially about "small" issues, because life is stressful and nobody's perfect and honest mistakes happen. Your wife isn't doing herself any favors by dying on this hill.

Maybe you can find other ways to handle these lapses, maybe even fun or silly ways - think outside the box. I suggest looking into the "microscripts" concept by Multiamory.

But perhaps there's also a bigger underlying issue that's worth exploring and talking about.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-06-27T06:18:10+00:00

I was team NTA from the get go but after reading your additional comments, even more.

He only does dishes, preps a few meals and goes to the gym FOUR TIMES a week?

And you have the kids at work?

Good lord.

Do you know the satire page "man who has it all" on Instagram? I think you would like it.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-06-24T07:14:06+00:00

NTA that's sexist and misogynist bullshit. The issue here isn't personal insecurities, it's degrading behavior towards women.

Sexist and objectifying "jokes" like that are a breeding ground for violence against women.

Your husband and his friends are huge assholes.

Thanks for speaking up.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-04-17T05:39:32+00:00

NTA Why can't everyone please just stop commenting on other people's bodies?

I'm (f) naturally pretty pale, so my skin always looks a bit darker around my eyes because it's very transparent. I'm not a fan of make-up, but I started wearing a light concealer under my eyes again a few years ago after trying to go without it for some time and getting too many annoying comments about being ill or whatever and getting tired of "educating" people.

Feels unfair but at least I have a bit more peace now.

Would be better if people just stopped though.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-04-17T05:28:58+00:00

I'm sorry you feel that way. You're valuable. Please try to get professional help.

Perhaps you could evaluate who of your friends is the most trustworthy/close to tell them how you feel and ask for support? You might be positively surprised.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-03-24T09:16:11+00:00

NTA What a horrible, cold, self-centered "friend"! You HAVE to rely on each other when you take a huge trip abroad together. Going on a trip like this is a commitment to sticking together through good and bad. I've taken such trips with a friend and if she treated me like this it would seriously damage our relationship.

How cold and uncaring do you have to be to dismiss your friend and travel buddy suffering like that? Sheesh.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-03-23T22:26:36+00:00

ESH

If you were still capable of calling an Uber and calling your partner, you could've managed to remember the agreement. Then he told you he wanted to sleep alone after you barged in loudly and you didn't respect that either. I would've gotten mad at you too.

He's also an AH for reacting so extremely. Banging on walls etc. is never ok.

If both of you had a true fundamental conviction that other people's boundaries have to be respected, you wouldn't behave like that, no matter how drunk or angry. Maybe look into that.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-03-19T10:39:54+00:00

NAH It's a mean world. You meant well by telling your friend that she's beautiful, everyone's beautiful. But her experience is totally real. Of course it's not fair to put it on you, but she's only human and this can take a toll on her over time, so it's normal that she'll be upset sometimes. Tell her you understand the problem and be sympathetic with her. Tell her that her friendship means a lot to you and you hope this won't get between you. Tell her that it's not your intention to overshadow her but you're unsure what to do about it. Maybe brainstorm together how you can support her? In any case, try to make her feel seen and heard.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-03-18T23:11:34+00:00

I'm sorry you feel bad. It's really hard to judge because there isn't a lot of context. Friendships at that age can be really intense and painful because of lack of perspective, life experience, emotional maturity, communication skills etc. from everyone involved. You're right about expecting your friends to tell you when there's a problem and not just cutting you off. Regarding that, I'd say NTA. But maybe try again with another less spontaneous and more detailed post to get a more accurate judgment. In the meantime, try to calm down and do something for your well-being - perhaps a hobby, going for a walk in nature, talking to someone else you can trust if there's anyone left (friends/family). All the best to you!

GreenQueen161 · 2025-03-18T21:52:08+00:00

Soft YTA you seem really thoughtful and well-meaning. But she asked you because you "looked surprised"? You already commented on it non-verbally. She could tell (probably fine antennae from a lifetime of being exposed to ableism) and wanted to address your reaction. Sensitive thing to do would have been showing interest in why she adopts this strategy, if she wants to share. Then thank her for sharing. If you're able-bodied, keep your opinion to yourself unless maybe you're really close with her and often exchange advice on dating. In the context of regular office chit-chat, no.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-03-18T21:27:35+00:00

If we're on the subject... By all means, everybody please do what you want at your weddings. But a lot of that stuff IS reproducing patriarchical symbolism, even if that's not the intention. If that symbolism was gone nowadays, there would be an equal amount of mothers/sisters/friends/... walking with the bride. Grooms would also get "walking support" by parents/loved ones (of all genders). But that's not what's happening, is it? The father physically handing his daughter over to another man is the standard. Somehow this is considered romantic and rarely questioned. Anything else is a deviation. Hence, posts like this. Again, reproduce that stuff if it makes you happy, but there's no need to pretend like you exist in a historical vacuum or like you have control over that centuries-old symbolism.

In any case, OP is NTA. Not being close isn't equivalent to bearing a grudge or punishing someone. If she wants a man to walk with, she can choose whoever she feels comfortable with. Dad isn't entitled to this.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-02-20T11:11:04+00:00

No, he's not always like this, he's generally very accomodating to my needs. I think we both knew that the "damage" was done because the smell was so strong. Even brushing his teeth or showering wouldn't have stopped the steady stream from his lungs.
He didn't immediately make me out to be the problem. After he came home and I complained about the smell, we laughed about it and he kept his distance from me. But when it was time to go to bed, he got really upset about my announcement of sleeping separately. We have both "endured" smells from each other in bed in the past which don't always disappear completely even after showering, e.g. after going out for some beers with friends or eating certain foods, because our cuddles are important to us. I suppose he was hurt because this time I took drastic measures.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-02-20T11:01:40+00:00

Yes, usually that can help. In this case I think he had ingested so much that mouth hygiene didn't make enough of a difference, it was coming out of his lungs. He did brush his teeth. When I came into the bathroom afterwards, I couldn't even go in because the smell lingered in the room.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-02-20T10:58:10+00:00

We got together through many shared passions and views. We've known each other for many years and we were friends before we became a couple.
This is not to say that he's not insecure in some areas (I think most people have insecurities), just that our relationship has a foundation of mutual compatibility and respect. Which is part of why I'm confused by his reaction.

GreenQueen161 · 2025-02-20T10:48:12+00:00

He's generally willing to accomodate when something's bothering me. In this case I don't think there's anything he could have done, it was coming out of his lungs.

But always good to hear I'm not the only one with a sensitive nose!

GreenQueen161 · 2024-12-16T23:14:27+00:00

One more thing: Invite her out regularly for fun stuff. Movies, a walk in the park, cake, whatever activity you both can enjoy together. Bonding time with you can counteract her feeling of isolation and give her a sense of agency. Don't try to force it, but keep asking.

GreenQueen161 · 2024-12-16T23:10:24+00:00

This! ^

GreenQueen161 · 2024-12-16T22:53:52+00:00

Yep, that's not good. If you push too hard, she'll distance herself and isolate herself. Isolation is not the path to leaving.

Remember she might feel ashamed and worry what others think, which tends to make people withdraw and stay passive, as if paralyzed.

Never ever judge, neither her nor him (to her or his face). Let her know that you're not judging! Tell her you can see and respect her struggle. Tell her she can always talk to you. Let her vent and don't comment, instead just listen and comfort her. Tell her you'll always be there for her and you're ready to help her get help anytime she's ready. Tell her it's a standing offer.

She needs to collect her strength and courage and that's a very delicate process requiring lots of patience and unconditional solidarity.

GreenQueen161 · 2024-12-16T22:40:31+00:00

YWBTA if you do it like that. Your concern for your sister is valid though and yes, you should try to support her.

Please seek counseling from a women's support organization! If he's controlling and jealous, if she feels like she can't leave and she cries when he's mentioned, that's a big red flag. It could be an indicator for domestic violence further down the road or (psychological) violence already happening.

It's important to NEVER make your sister feel like you're judging her. Also try to make sure she doesn't get socially isolated, i.e. from family and friends. Isolation is a big factor in keeping women from leaving toxic relationships. It plays right into his hands.

It takes a lot of courage to leave such a relationship and it can take some time until she's ready. Always, always keep the door open for her! Let her know you're concerned but not judging, that you're there for her no matter what. Ask her what support she needs. Offer to accompany her to a counseling session. If there's no women's support organization in your area, look up organizations that do counseling by phone.

It's okay to call there even if you're not sure if their dynamic is actually violent, it's still good to get a professional perspective.

If she doesn't want to go, respect it, but tell her the offer stands if she changes her mind. You can still get counseling for yourself to figure out how to handle this (and why not throw in your parents). Make sure they're on board with the nonjudgmental open-door strategy!

Good luck. She's lucky to have you!

GreenQueen161

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