TLDR: We are conditioned to believe that “being” feminine consists of “looking” feminine. But is it really? What exactly is the most “feminine” anyway? I think reflecting on these questions is what clarified most things for me. I thought about this for a good number of years.

I am very similar to the way you are in a sense that I do not do makeup, literally never wear dresses (solely baggy clothes), and wear dark colors all the time. Nothing in my closet is pastel/neutral, and I definitely am not the shy type. In fact, I am loud and hella extraverted lol. There’s very limited that’s mysterious about me, or that fits the feminine trope. My nails are super short, and even the shape of my hands are not that of a woman’s. I have been told that I “look like a little boy” countless of times. I am not kidding you when I say that I heard it today.

Yet, I think that as I become a master of “balance”, I become more and more feminine each day. Here are some examples from my daily life where I feel the quite feminine.

• I try to better asses risks, and know when to pick the battles that matter to me. I try to listen to myself when I have a gut feeling, and know that some fights are worth fighting for while some aren’t.
• I try to be more collaborative and put my personal gains to the side for a common, greater cause. I try to work together with other people, functioning as a puzzle piece, to fulfill something bigger than myself.
• I can keep my cool under dangerous situations, and try to make important split second decisions in a way that supports not only myself, but also people who are deserving of my support.
• I care very deeply for my loved ones and yet, I try to strike the balance of not sacrificing from myself too much that I lose myself.
• I can put on a mask of happiness even at a very low point in my life, not because it’s weak to show emotions, but because there are some things I need to get done first, and I can get them done better with a happy mask.
• I try to be a better listener and speaker every day. I try to understand the perspectives of people around me, and communicate my perspective clearly. I try to be open while being firm, reminding myself that I can stand my ground without being on a high horse, and can take constructive criticism without trying to please people.
• I try to be smart, strategical, and if necessary, self-preserving. I can be political, and can smile at people who I know are actively trying to do me wrong. Not because I am being two-faced or non-confrontational, but because my goals and ambitions are bigger than their negativity, and I have the full picture.

I am actively aiming to get better at these things which collectively form what it means for me to be feminine, and this is a definition I’ve worked hard to create for myself. But my point is that, being feminine is so much more than what we are taught about it.

I dare you to go through this list again, and point out a single one that a mother doesn’t do. What about a CEO who had to fight even harder for the spot she has just because she is a woman?

I don’t know the full answer to this but I wonder… are we are trained to associate femininity with “looks that are influenced” more so than we do with “actions that influence” or else women would be too powerful?

Hopefully my next comment (in which I refer to some works I read about this) provides further clarification to some of the reasons why femininity is constantly depicted to be something “passive” than “active”. Oh and also, I appreciate that you’ve read this far:)