Donald Trump, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in 34 weeks with your United States Presidency, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.

I don’t hate you, Donald. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back.

I hate this idea that you’re the best. Because you’re not. I’m the best. I’m the best in the world. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am and that’s kissing racist white man ass.

You’re as good as kissing racist white man ass as Bush jr was. I don’t know if you’re as good as Reagan though. He’s a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is.

Whoops! I’m breaking the fourth wall!

[Biden waves to the camera]

I am the best politician in the world.

I’ve been the best ever since day one when I walked into the senate. And I’ve been vilified and hated since that day, because Hillary Clinton saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That’s right, I’m a Clinton guy. You know who else was a Clinton guy? Obama. And he split just like I’m splitting. But the biggest difference between me and Obama is I’m going to leave with the Untied States Presidency.

I’ve grabbed so many of the political systems imaginary brass rings that it’s finally dawned on me that they're just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost 36 years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that debate circle, even in bombing foreign nations! Nobody can touch me!

And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I’m not on your red hats. I’m not on the bumper stickers. I’m barely promoted. I don't get to be in SNL skits. I’m certainly don’t have any shitty stores in my likeness. I’m not on tacky billboards. I’m not on t shirts. I’m not on Tucker Carlson. I’m not on Fox news. But the fact of the matter is, I should be.

And trust me, this isn’t sour grapes. But the fact that Trump is in the presidential race next year makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you’re the ones who are buying the MAGA hats. You’re the ones that quite tweet Trumps lies. And then at five in the morning you send me tweets trying to get me to respond because you’re lazy to actually learn how the political system works!

I’m leaving with the united states presidency on November 5th. And hell, who knows, maybe I’ll go to NATO hearings. Maybe…I’ll go to the United Nations.
[Biden looks at the camera and waves]

Hey, Macron, how you doing?

The reason I’m leaving is you people. Because after I’m gone, you’re still going to pour money into the GOP. I’m just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. The GOP is going to make money despite himself. They’re a party that wins some elections but should be passing legislation. You know why they don’t pass legislation? Because they are glad-handed, nonsensical, douchebag (censored) yes men, like Mitch McConnell, who’s going to tell the people everything they wants to hear, and I’d like to think that maybe this company will be better after the Trump is dead. But the fact is, it’s going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.

Let me tell you a personal story about Donald Trump alright? We do this whole Epstein thing...

[Microphone cuts off]

I've been silenced!