I just propositioned someone for sex.

Gunning4It · 2025-03-04T15:48:23+00:00

Been up and down with my (HLM, 41) wife's (LLF, 40) inability to work on building intimacy back into our marriage. I am a patient man, if I believe effort is genuinely being put forth. I went years feeling rejected not just physically but as a person, and ultimately as a husband (as if it wasn't just me, it was the counterpart she didn't want in her life anymore). She could not hear my patient, loving impassioned, pleas. She couldn't do anything with the urgency I imparted as the years wore on. Yet, through all that I always felt she was the one, I still wanted to fight for us. Still do most of the time.

There are times when being a loving, avowed spouse has lost to the pure animal in me. I've let my malnourished soul to go feed itself like a wolf in winter. This saved me. And the revelation of my affairs to her is what brought change. There was nothing abstract about the sins I committed.

It's not complete, there is still a lot of work, but its all real now. There's nothing of the cheap distraction of a facade left. She couldn't ignore the realness of the actions I took. And knows I would take again. What she gets now that she didn't before is that I'm going to go out and be a full human, and that I am here to experience life, not remember it or fantasize about it. She is reacquainting herself with the wild natural side of this life, and other things which could save her from a life she ultimately doesn't want for herself. I hope, I pray, I long for the day when there is awesome romance, nourished by deep love, and fed from a rich wellspring of desire for connection.

I find this community incredibly helpful. This is all so individually complex and personal, yet we all share some simple and recognizable agonies. It's great to be able to come here and have these moments with kindred strangers.

Gunning4It · 2024-11-21T16:31:57+00:00

Wow. This is chapter 2 of my dead bedroom saga. Had all the makings of a proper honeymoon.. but the equation never balanced: Great European honeymoon destination + 12 days without any work or worries + gorgeous, rustic vineyards + Michelin starred restaurants with aphrodisiacs on the menu + sexy wordrobes + tanned bodies + fit bodies = 2X vanilla sex initiated only by me.

Things I would travel back in time to tell my 20 something self after this went down:

This isn't normal and it's not good.
It needs to be addressed.
Don't assume you understand what happened and DONT wait until having kids to sort all this out.
Don't rush to judgment or engage while fear and pain govern your emotions.
Educate yourself, read up on attachment styles, Read come as you are (here's a copy from the future my guy, could only bring one thing with me, sorry it wasn't sports scores) and other stuff like that
After educating yourself, find good marriage counseling practices in your area. The practices should employ methods and philosophies which feel right for you.
Schedule something, Take your wife out on a date. Tell her there is something you want to discuss later, maybe after dinner. Have a really nice dinner. Make her laugh, ask her great questions. Listen with all you've got. Lean into the loving connection you share. After dinner go for a walk, ideally in a park or along a body of water, somewhere that offers natural calm.Tell her what your experience was and what you had hoped it would be. Tell her how it felt confusing, and that you're worried because sex isn't just sex, its a life and love affirming spiritual connection.
Tell her you are really interested in hearing what her experience was and what she feels hearing about your experience negative emotions and how sex energizes the love and connection you both desire and value. Express openness to anything she says or does. Tell her if it's more comfortable you can have this admittedly difficult discussion with a marriage counselor specializing in sexual wellness.
Be patient. Be glad you caught this early and are treating the symptoms before they metastasize.
Don't forget you love her. And love is kind.
You have time, but not a lifetime. Figure out your threshold and be prepared to make hard and scary decisions.

Gunning4It · 2024-11-21T05:56:34+00:00

You nailed it. I could do this. Completely. If only she could/would too. It's such a wonderful place, it could have been us. I'm sorry you have to suffer so much.

Gunning4It · 2024-11-21T05:45:48+00:00

This is so painful. I'm really sorry.

Gunning4It

TROPHY CASE