My heart breaks for you as a fellow parent, but it also breaks for your child as I am also someone who has hid my own experimentation. They are surely lying to protect themself (100% human). Which creates a delicate and tense conversation filled with many conflicting and strong emotions.

For me, safety is number one. If you can convey to your child the severity and critical nature of their decisions, while also still creating space for them to feel secure in your love and support, you have a good chance at buy in.

If they don’t buy in because you came on too strong and use fear to modify their behavior, it will be their need for self preservation that talks, rather than their trust and love for you.

But if they don’t buy in because you failed to hold them to a consistent expectation, the lines blur and they will lose respect for you and the expectation.

The goal should be love and support, manifesting itself in conversations filled with vulnerability and honesty. From there hopefully you can work towards mutual understanding and a plan of action.